A few questions for those women whose husbands work away from home.

[bramblina]

My dh works away for about 5 days and is home about 2 per week, usually. We have a ds who is 15 months and we're considering no. 2 now, but I'm just wondering how hard it will all be- from pregnancy to babyhood and toddlerdom, I know it's all very different for everyone but I'm just trying to get an insight.
Ds is and has always been a very good baby, on the whole. My pregnancy was pretty good, but when I really think I wonder how I'll manage with the morning sickness and tiredness etc. Then when we do have a baby and a toddler and it's just me, how hard or easy will it be?
PIL live close but I don't like to rely on anyone, it's our job so I don't ever ask anyone to look after ds. Dh is pretty good, but when he's home there's always plenty for him to catch up on so time always seems limited. I could go on and on but I know I'm starting to think too much already, and I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to ask...

Personal situations please...?

well dh doesn't work "away" as such BUT works long hours and is our of the home from around 5.30am-8pm so all the care for dd is done by me during the week. DD is 18 months old and when I got pregnant dd was around 11/12 months old so things seemed ideal. BUT since then dd has gained so much more confidence, is so adventerous,outgoing and independant..typical toddler I guess..!

At first it was hard as I suffered from m/s and tiredness but suppose dd was at an age that she wasn't an issue. I just rested and slept when she did. Something I still do now. Now being 31 weeks and the size of a large whale I am finding it hard to keep up with dd and at times I do feel guilty when I miss baby gym one week becuase I can't face running around a hall after her iykwim.

BUT i still try and do what I can and that includes soft play arears (more confined), baby music,shopping, walks etc so I guess she does get out and about and suppose it won't be for long.

I do suffer from spd and sciatica and yes I can ask my parents and pil for help BUT pil work full time and tbh I don't want to rely on anyone..very similar to you brambilina.

DH is self employed and this contract is due to end the end of jan which gives me help for a month or so before ds2b arrives BUT he has been asked to stay on longer..part of me says yes for the money so dh can stay off a couple of months aftre the arrival BUT the other part says NO as I would like the help and support now and I also worry about giving birth without him . BTW housework is also becoming an issue and its easy to say leave it but I'm to houseproud .

So to answer your question.................Yes it is hard and tiring BUT I think its only for a short while although being pregnant seems like an eternity..The other thing is once the new baby arrives..Mmmm now sure how things will be then BUT dh promises me that we will all move to where the work is and contracts will try to be sought after that are local.

HTH..??!! x

BTW forgot to say...DH does help out at weekends which is a godsend. Allows me time to rest.

I don't think it's acceptsable for one of a couple to work apart in the week and any career sacrifice is worth avoiding that. Also never to the middle of nowhere particularly if you have children. So move to a town and get back to work and have another baby may be,

BTW just read some of the thread..I am the only one (along with dh) who looks after dd and I don't feel guilty for it.
I do attend groups that allow he to interact with others etc but I don't feel the need for her to stay alone with gp. Yeah sure they have baby sat and she has been in bed but thats all.They also visit every few weeks or we visit them but I wouldn't want to leave her alone with them. I don't think she misses out on anything.
At w/e's its our time as a family so neither dh or I would want to leave her with family to gives us time alone.
I wouldn't feel guilty bramblina, its all personal choice.

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving dd alone with anyone else... end of..!!

min travels abroad with work in the hteady world of software.

i dont mind it.

he llieks it less the mroe he does it
if he worked at homhe woudlne be backt ill 8 pm so whats the difference

xenia, sometimes (in the case of my dh anyway) you have to work away and to go where the work is. DH gets around owrking so far from home by commuting everyday. A total of a 5-6 hours travelling time BUT at least he sleeps in the same bed as me at night and we do have time to chat as a couple. If he's home early he will help out with dd ie putting to bed/bath etc but w/e's are mostly time when he takes over.Daddy time he likes to call it.!!

BTW this current contract has always been on a short term basis. Its to allow us to have money aside to ensure bills can be paid when baby arrives and dh has a few months off work. Not all fathers get that opportunity esp in a permenant job.

cod, dh is also in IT and he to hates it BUT it pays the bills.!! Ho hum..!!

I on the other hand hate my dh working away and even though he isn't home till around 8pm I would rather him sleep with me than stay in some hotel (he's of the same views btw).

Oh the irony. Working too close to home should carry a marriage/parenting warning. My dh's work is five mins drive away on the edge of our village but the nature of the work is that for large public events he HAS to be away/abroad for long stretches.

He's spent way over 6 months abroad this year, but I drive passed the offices/workshops just about everyday on my way in and out of the village.

He also feels obliged when not working abroad to be the one to go in on Saturday/Sunday as required to supervise what's going on. I have plans afoot to stamp this out. Have had ENOUGH.

I was just going to say that on the whole, during the week we generally tick along fine, but with dd1 now at secondary school, I can see just how much she needs another adult to be around. Just when I manage to start a conversation with her about her day etc, there is a bottom to be wiped or a LO who needs help eating their tea etc. She is CONSTANTLY short changed by dh's absence.

TBH, I've been shocked in the past year just how much it has affected my relationship with DD1. Although YOU need your dh's presence when they are little, in my experience, THEY need him about more when they are older.

Shh, that's true. It's just I think I'd have avoided marrying someone in the army or in one of those jobs when I knew we'd be apart a lot as they're so hard to adjust to - the being there and not being there. Also the other thread under returning to work on women away on business trips shows this is an issue on both sides too and fairly gender neutral. Occasionally when I work away it's even harder as I'm on my own and their father has chosen to absent himself from their lives.

My dh works away usually 3-4 nights a week. We have 2 girls and yes, it's a slog, particularly as he never seems to be off over the weekend and tbh I find them very, very lonely. There are lots of things he has missed, including the birth of his second daughter, family chrismtasses and the like and although we are used to it I can't pretend it's ideal.

We are considering reducing his hours to part-time which will obviously mean a drop in income but to us it will, hopefully, be worth a lot more.

My sons bitterly resent the fact that dh was never there when they were small. It was hard.

Oh dear god, seem to have opened up a can of worms here! Last week I was rather chuffed I began a successful thread with over 40 messages, now am very confused where it's going!
Emmylou, I would be absolutely fine asking mil for help or anything, she's very willing but I'm just unsure in myself if I feel I could- as I just feel why did I have ds if I can't bring him up- sort of thing. I just can't relax the view in my head. I think it's because I have lots of peers who have children and rarely care for them, I said I would never do that. They are farmed off most weekends while the parents go out, weeks at a time while they go on hols without them, all day all week while they work (unnecessarily), just because it's easier. I just don't want to be one of them but I can't even begin to find a happy approach as it's just not me. Very interseting insight you gave about teenage years.
Surprise, interesting story. I should think more about that!
Shhh, good to hear. You sound like you cope well.
Xenia, acceptability is nothing to do with it, neither is choosing to marry someone who works away. Love is. The only choice in this is...work away=the bills get paid, work at home=they don't. Yes we could sell our beautiful house that we spent 4 years building, at quite a pretty profit...then we'd be in even more debt finding one somewherre else as we live in an area where most people are being priced out of the market. It isn't about choices. Why do you say get back to work and have another baby?? Why have a baby if I'm going to be at work all day and pay someone else to raise it???

Agree with bramblina when she says why have another baby than pay for someone else to raise it. Exactely, whats the point of that you are quite right, though do leave my ds with gps one day a week and a couple of hours at the weekend about once a month, but they are his family and his blood and love him soo much, couldnt leave him with anyone else though

Agree with bramblina when she says why have another baby than pay for someone else to raise it. Exactely, whats the point of that you are quite right, though do leave my ds with gps one day a week and a couple of hours at the weekend about once a month, but they are his family and his blood and love him soo much, couldnt leave him with anyone else though