A few questions for those women whose husbands work away from home.

[bramblina]

My dh works away for about 5 days and is home about 2 per week, usually. We have a ds who is 15 months and we're considering no. 2 now, but I'm just wondering how hard it will all be- from pregnancy to babyhood and toddlerdom, I know it's all very different for everyone but I'm just trying to get an insight.
Ds is and has always been a very good baby, on the whole. My pregnancy was pretty good, but when I really think I wonder how I'll manage with the morning sickness and tiredness etc. Then when we do have a baby and a toddler and it's just me, how hard or easy will it be?
PIL live close but I don't like to rely on anyone, it's our job so I don't ever ask anyone to look after ds. Dh is pretty good, but when he's home there's always plenty for him to catch up on so time always seems limited. I could go on and on but I know I'm starting to think too much already, and I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to ask...

Personal situations please...?

yes agree SOME time but bnot full tioem n nursery imo

yes d3 does go in the mornings
he is 4 in march

i think my salvation is mn
my parents and lioving in a close community wher i KNOW i will see neighbours nad mates veery day

Disagree Cod.
dont mind the ferrying around all the time as long as I dont have them glued to me 24/7.

Drop them off at basketweaving or whatever and go sit have coffee/drink somewhere while waiting.

Noah,are you sad for me or you??

My life is great now.

I help at school,with Sunday school and kids' club.

I swim and ride with the children every week.

I go to the gym a lot.

I live my MSc.

I go abroad a lot to see my dh (with the kids)

I live in a small village where everyone knows everyone.

Occasionally I do try to get dd early from the childminder but she loves her and tells me to clear off until it's picking up time.

I have to agree with cod (re your PILs) bramblina

if they are there and willing to help, then let them!

there's no shame in letting them help and it's good for ds to spend some time in the company of other adults

my goodness, if I'd had willing, sane ILs or even parents around when mine were little, I would have jumped at the chance to get them involved!

The hardest thing for me was when they were really little as I have a bad back and shoulder.
The carrying was (and still is) crippling.

that is tough moondog (bad back) - really debilitating

I haven't found it that much easier as they've got older (in terms of when dh is away) but at least now, I get a little break from them as my youngest is in part time school

I also tend to be on MN alot in the evenings when dh is away

Dont know who I am sad for ......

I'm actually now thinking I was lucky in a way that DS had whooping cough and was admitted to hospital when very small when DH was working away. I was in a position where we'd gone into hospital as I thought for tests and wound up with him being admitted, I didn't have anything with us (nappies, clothes, etc.) for that, and to really put the icing on the cake DS had projectile vomited all down my front and into my cleavage (mmm... nice) a couple of times while we were in the middle of the tests, so everything I was wearing was soaked with baby vomit. I more or less had to ask for help, and my MIL was truly fantastic. And having had to rely on her so much at that time, it's seemed silly not to involve her since then (not that I overdo it, but if MIL doing something would be a big help and it sounds to me like the sort of thing that wouldn't put her out too much then I'll make tentative enquiries).

DS is 22 months now and we're considering #2 -- I know that if/when we go for it I'm going to rely on MIL (and my mother to a lesser extent, but her health isn't so good) far more than I did for #1. I've gradually come to see that what I see as potentially me imposing on her she is champing at the bit to be allowed to do (but trying not to be pushy), so in many cases it's a win-win situation. Plus DS is absolutely devoted to her and I know where his vote would go...

Wonder of you can plot when my DH is home from lack of evening MN activity...

I also live in a village and have cultivated a group of mutually supportive friends. It was a friend who collected me and took me to pick up dd3 from playgroup after i trashed the car on monday - and her dh who has leant me one of his company's pool cars till I get sorted. Invaluable.

Ooops - meant to add that as PIL are in mid to late 70's (but fairly local) and my parents are also in their 70's (live 1 hour and 3 hours drive away) I don't feel quite as able to call on them for emergency/stressful help as perhaps I would've done.

They do tell me to phone if I need any help (they do actually 'babysit' so I can sometimes walk the dog without having to drag all the dds out with me in the cold and wet) but as they are quite private people, I never really know if i am inconveniencing them or not...

How old are your PIL Bramblina? It does make a difference as does how honest and open you feel you can be with each other.

lol emmylou i am the same - my evening is either spent with mumsnet or dh

bad backs and ear ache shoudl eb available as mitgation fro murder

How would you feel Bramblina if your ds's wife in years to come wouldn't let you see your Grandchildren on your own because it was "her job"?

Agree with cod totally on this thread - you'd be barmy not to relax your approach just a little. How on earth could it be a bad thing for your DCs to spend a little time each week or so with people who love them unconditionally??

zog adn cod bond in a three letter moment

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cod}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

faark orf

Thanks all for some wonderful posts.
Mil is 52, works 6am-1pm, looks after her dad (87), horse, various other animals and is also alone for the most part as fil (54) works a similar job as dh, away most of the week.
It's not that I stop them from having ds, I just don't ask them to take him. Then again, they never offer. They visit lots, fil dotes on him, he plays, spoils him, has a coffee then goes home. Mil comes over, has a coffee, usually brings something for ds (forever buying him carity shop finds, food, free toys from magazines etc!), has a gossip and then goes home! They have once offered to take him for a walk, then the weather turned. They live in the same (small) village, a 5 mins walk away. But perhaps my approach makes them think I would not let them have him. Must think about this one.
Moondog I do live in the middle of nowhere! 10 miles form nearest shop, dr, library etc, and 75 from nearest 24hr Tesco!
Seudonim, I would easily rely on pil for emergencies, they really are good in those situations, but things just need to be spelled out for them.
Mrsnoah I agree about the wine...gulp.
Cod, sorry, can barely make out what you're saying! Too much wine perhaps? Not enough!?
Runnyhabbit, no chance of a job closer to home and us being able to afford to eat...
Emmylou, you're right about "coping", got to strike a balance.
Cantsleepwontsleep . Hope you're not describing your dc with that name!
Foxinsocks, willing, yes, just have to be asked. Also they are very critical people, and if I'm honest I also worry about them thinking how they are not here to make my life easier, IYSWIM> That's a bit harsh, but I know Mil thinks it's a bit unfair that her sister looks after her gc 1 day a week while her daughter works. Also, I had a bad time with my SI joint in late pg and for a year after, this really worries me, being the only one here with that again, and a heavy toddler. However in answer to your other statement, I would probably get a lot more done if it weren't for MN! So all I need to do is get rid of the computer!
Lemonaid and southsea
Zog, what a valid point, . As I said, I certainly don't stop them, they just never offer. Whereas my Mum who is 62, works full time, lives an hour away, offers everytime I'm there, to look after him while I do Tesco or other errands, and she's disabled! Now if MIL were like that I would jump at it but I'm just not sure she sees it as her place, IYSWIM. We get on really well, they're just not "giving" people. When I was pg, Mil and her good friend used to say that they would take the baby on a Wednesday, her day off, but that's the last I've heard of it. But she is busy, I do realise.

Oh god am I making too much of this?!?!

Ask them. Don't forget, they're your in-laws and may well be treading v carefully with you - it's different with your own parents. If you ask and they don't want to do it, that's different, but my own wonderful MIL wouldn't offer, she waits to be asked (because I'm scarey )

Bramblina - I can see how your MIL is very busy and also why you haven't approached her about helping before. TBH, I'm not sure if I would feel able to ask her BUT, I would probably suggest to my DHthat he could ask, quite directly (but not in my presence) so that MIL would feel able to answer honestly. After all, he knows her better and would be able to guage response better.

Is there anyway you could offer to do something for her - maybe a Tesco shop (when you do make that awfully long trip...and obviously not when heavily pg etc) or feed animals/sit with elderly father?

I would say that you should try to get your PILs more involved. They would probably love it. I struggled when my second child was born, and was very reluctant to ask my mum for hlep. In the end DP, who works away 4 or 5 days a week, insisted that I ask my Mum to look after DS for a day each week. She was so pleased and excited that I wished I'd done it sooner. It completely transformed my life, as it gave me something to look forward to in the dark hurs of thenight when DS had been crying for hours... Traditionally, and in many other cultures, looking after the children would be a job for the family and extended family,not jus the mother, so don't think you have to do it all. No one will think any less of you for it.

not sure if this is right topic to be posting this but What makes you truly happy and content? For me it is seeing my two kids fast asleep in bed!!! overwhelming love but celebration that they are sound asleep some time for me? wine and mumsnet again this is becoming a habit with d/h away!!

oops meant to be a new conversation !!!

sorry bramblina my d/h is away alot with work and it is tough but would give my right arm for family nearby. Cut yourself some slack girl. Two kids is demanding but so worthwhile but don't think too much about it otherwise,well you know what i mean. lol

I have 4 kids, a dh who travels lots and we live in the middle of nowhere. Don't particularly get help from mil (though she'll help if I ask). She no longer has her own car and we're not accessible by walking. In some ways it's easier now three of them are older but I drive miles and miles a week to take them to dancing, scouts, youth club etc. Often hard to drag the others around in the car for no good reason. Feeling really tied at the moment - dd has pre-school 2 mornings a week and it isn't long enough for me to get to a decent town/facilities. Living in a town would certainly make my life easier. It's very lonely not really living in a community.
Maybe you've just got me on a bad day! I'm rebelling today - sick of running round after everyone! At least bedtimes/feeding isn't a problem now they are older. Had 3 under 3 and dh abroad for a while and that was tough!