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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't get it ...

115 replies

Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 16:00

Im writing about a male friend of mine. Well I say friend ive known him for 4 years and ive slept with him twice.
I admit that I do like him and he likes me but he isn't single. In fact he has had relationship after relationship, often overlapping ones that often only last 6 months to 2 years max. To give some back ground info he's early 50s with secondary school age children. Im early 30s with one child. Ive often thought he might have something wrong with him he can ignore messages for days on end and then message back , often out of the blue as if nothing's happened. It doesn't end there though. He's told me he couldn't be in a relationship with me as he only dates women who are over say size 14 and are below attractiveness in looks. Ive seen a couple of his exes and they are all a Miranda hart type, but smaller in height. He is good looking and I am above average looks wise and size 8. please bear with me on this this is not a wind up I promise, I wish it were ....He also only dates those that have older grown up sons and work in a certain job role. I mean there is no deviation from this mould. I only slept with him as I had no idea he wasn't single, but im confused as hell as to why he did as im not what he's looking for obviously !! Ive thought maybe he has a mental health issue or something but I suppose deep down im just wondering what is it I can't give him .. Im single after a lt relationship that failed a while ago, ive only been in one relationship so people like this confuse hell out of me !
Ok well any input much appreciated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 17:28

He sent me a photo of him in bath, and there was some yellow around his private parts.. Not lots but some... I know he has a weak bladder so maybe that it ... Lol

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/09/2015 17:33

Saying you're above average looking and look 10 years younger is not a fact it's an opinion. Saying about wee in the bath? This is a wind up!

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 17:37

Okay well im not going to post a picture but I am conventionally pretty. As for wee in the bath well it's true I have the evidence. There is no wind up here, as ive said I wish it were.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/09/2015 17:40

Let's see the pic then I'm up for a laugh miss pretty!

BoskyCat · 18/09/2015 17:44

If this is true, when a man sends you a pic of himself in a pool of his own wee, why on earth would you continue with the "waaah why doesn't he like me?" train of thought?

So he doesn't like you, you're not his type... erm, hooray?

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 17:44

Im not posting a picture, I guess you will have to take my word for it

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 17:47

I don't know boskycat, ive said up thread I dont often have sexual feelings, but yes im taking the advice and im going to move on.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/09/2015 17:51

Weird post!

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 18:51

I agree in a way. Im a young woman with a lot ahead of me and im wasting time on him. Id love to meet someone as I think that would be the catalyst for me to get completely over him. I briefly tried old with no success.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 18/09/2015 19:31

There are certain rules on here, op. You've inadvertently crossed a few of them. Plus people seem to be a bit snippy on here at the mo...

He unavailable. Perhaps that's how you've got hooked in - it's a very seductive dynamic.

But unhook you must - for your mental and emotional health. He's not going to become available, he will always be just out of reach. Torture.

He sounds like a complete dick btw. There are no deep and meaningfuls - or if there are they're for him to address if he can be bothered (which I doubt). You're not going to get him to love/want you. As enticing as the challenge is. He'll just screw you over, as he has done to all the women in his life.

Next! You deserve better. Someone who wants you would be a start.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 18/09/2015 21:48

Your post is spot on, springy.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 19/09/2015 10:20

Lol, wees the bath.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/09/2015 14:42

I can't for the life of me understand why you care. You've discovered that he slept with you while not single, and that he never ever dates women who are like you.

I think you don't actually like him or particularly want him, you're just bothered by the fact you can't seem to get him despite being young, slim and good looking. You're actually entertaining the fact that he might be mentally ill based on nothing more than his not wanting to date you.

I mean seriously. Just move on if you're such a catch.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 19/09/2015 15:10

You're actually entertaining the fact that he might be mentally ill based on nothing more than his not wanting to date you.

Grin

As for why he slept with you, OP, when he wasn't interested in dating you, well the answer is obvious. He was feeling horny and you were there and willing. That's it.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 19/09/2015 17:42

Ok look, I did not for one minute suggest he has a mental illlness and that is why he's not dating me - he displays some rather odd behaviour that id rather not go into on here - so you know if you havent got anything nice to say, etc etc .

OP posts:
Alexjoy · 19/09/2015 18:00

Hilarious. Only on MN.

God bless you, OP.

mumofthemonsters808 · 19/09/2015 18:11

Walk away from him, he sounds a real knobhead. I hate to say this, but he's just using you for sex. Don't waste your time and energy trying to fathom out his motivates, likes, dislikes etc, he does not deserve to be given head space.

StickyProblem · 19/09/2015 18:19

Kimberley, I'm sure you could find someone better. Good luck.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 19/09/2015 19:07

Thank you mumofthemonsters and sticky x

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 19/09/2015 22:16

Well Kimberley, if you don't tell us there's more to it then don't expect any of us to take that into account when reading the situation.

Saying "I only slept with him as I had no idea he wasn't single, but im confused as hell as to why he did as im not what he's looking for obviously !! Ive thought maybe he has a mental health issue or something but I suppose deep down im just wondering what is it I can't give him" definitely gives the impression that you think not dating you is clinically diagnosable.

At any rate, I still don't understand why you care. He's unavailable, slept with you while committed elsewhere, and has explicitly told you he doesn't date women like you.

I am sorry to say it, but no matter how young, slim and gorgeous you are, there will always be some people who just aren't interested in you. You could lose a lot of time and energy if you spend all your time wondering why there might be a man somewhere who goes for a different type.

So I can't see why you care, unless you just don't like the idea of there being a man you can't get despite being so attractive. If that's the case, you have to sort yourself out rather than pursue a man who's made it clear you're just an option to him when the bed is cold.

Don't know what else you want from us, tbh.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 20/09/2015 11:33

Ok. Im willing to divulge some of the behaviour of this man, although it may out me, but I need a second opinion on this as for the last 12 months I feel so confused and not sure if its typical or not.
His marital/family home was repossessed last year and he told me he didn't care. I for one would of been crapping it over the financial implications, and also the fact it's your home, your kids home and their safe place. Another thing is the lies. He swore on his kids life, he hasn't done something it was really really trivial but I knew that he had, it's almost like he's detatched from reality and believes his own lies to some extent. Something else is the sex... He was very rough with his hands and it went on for quite some time , I couldnt walk for two days after.

OP posts:
SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 20/09/2015 11:40

Why are you bothered about him?! Why not just cut contact? Is it the drama you like?

beaglesaresweet · 20/09/2015 12:22

how the HECK can you find him attractive, OP? I think you need to work on your choice of men very seriously.

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/09/2015 12:22

Kimberley, you are missing the point.

This man has made it clear he's not interested in you, that he goes exclusively for women who are very different to you, and that his only use for you is convenient sex (while still committed elsewhere, and clearly has no interest in your pleasure while doing it).

I don't know what it is you can't give him, but I don't care and neither should you. You should be thanking God that you couldn't get into a relationship with this vile man even if you tried. And you should not be trying.

The point is not whether he's mentally ill, or why he doesn't go for you, why you can't get him despite being so stunning (which I think is the real issue here, and that attitude will get you nowhere except obsessing online over a revolting scumbag who doesn't want you), what his personal financial situation is, why he lies, etc etc etc.

The point is, he is both disgusting and disinterested, and you should not be giving him any of your thoughts or energy. Be thankful you dodged the bullet and just move the hell on without thinking about him.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 20/09/2015 13:58

As for him telling you that he didn't care about his family home, maybe he just didn't want to discuss it with you.

There are things about me that absolutely nobody else knows and I regularly have to deflect questions about it because people ask but, frankly, it's none of their business!

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