DH visiting escort sites

[nickimonach]

NC as I've been on here previously with issues regarding my marriage and us taking each other for granted, him sniping and putting me down, my alleged 'aggression', him not backing down in arguments. As I write these I'm now questioning why we are together.

Last night was the cherry on the top...I was checking his phone and found he'd been visiting escort websites. Straight away he admitted and said he was looking at them for 'titilation' as his usual porn sites have been blocked .

Our relationship has had its moments as I have stated above but this has floored me...he says he wasn't actually going to visit an escort/prostitute but even looking at those sites still makes me sick, I reminded him that is someone's daughter and how would he feel someone oggling our DD? We've both took a day off work to talk and although it hurts really badly, I want us to stay together, perhaps out of fear of the unknown, but also because I love him despite his faults. He is very contrite and burst out crying, it's given him a wake up call.

I'm not in bits, yet, crying as I don't feel like I can but I'm devastated. Am I that awful/ unattractive that he feels he needs to view that filth?

I've put it out on here but I cannot discuss with anyone in RL, it's horrifying.

Straight away he admitted and said he was looking at them for 'titilation' as his usual porn sites have been blocked shock

Bollocks. There's porn everywhere on the net, if he couldn't get on one site he'd go to another.

He snipes and puts you down, does he have any pluses?

Thank you for your reply Twinkle. He is a good dad, very funny and has supported me through some huge MH issues.

I still don't understand why he needed to visit those types of sites. He just keeps saying he is sorry and he is angry at himself for jeopardising our marriage as seeing me upset (no tears, but I did say my heart feels shattered) has given him the wake up call.

He has used prodtitutes. Face it.

I still don't understand why he needed to visit those types of sites.

Because that's the easiest way to arrange to see prostitutes.

He cried cos he got caught.

A google search of 'free porn' will produce 260,000,000+ results. As it's unlikely he's been 'blocked' from accessing any/all of them, it could be that he uses pay to view sites and hasn't topped up his membership fees.

There's nothing particularly titillating about escort sites unless, of course, the intention is to fulfill the fantasy in real life or re-live a previous session and, as LP has said, the chances are he's been and continues to be, a punter regular customer.

I agree with Helena; he's cried --crocodile tears- because you've caught him and the question now is what you're going to do about it, bearing in mind that you are best advised to cease having sex with him and get yourself checked for stis at your nearest GUM clinic.

Contrition is easy to fake and as for him having had a "wake-up call", if you don't take heed of the alarm the chances are he'll continue to deceive you.

Fwiw, it's not you that's awful/unattractive - it's him.

To visit one independent escort's web page, you need to have done your research too. You don't just stumble upon them, he would have gone through punternet
, adultworks and all of these horrific sites to access prostituted women.

Titillation my arse.

Well his tears ad show of contrition worked then, didn't they? He's completely thrown you off the scent. Or at least you're so willing to believe it that you'll take it.

As someone else said, the reason he goes on escort sites is because, er, that's an easy and convenient way to book a prostitute.

He's sending you some pretty clear signals with his behaviour. He's worried he's pushed you too far this time, hence the crocodile tears etc.

Who or what has blocked his favourite porn sites?

I get that you want to believe him and that this is indeed a wake up call but his favoured porn sites being blocked, pull the other one.

He either is already visiting prostitutes, or he was seriously contemplating doing so.

His reasons for looking don't stack up. AT ALL.

Oh love this isn't a 'wake up call'. It's really not. Unless the wake up call is to be more discreet with his sex workers in future.
Nobody looks at escort sites unless they are considering booking an escort. So much shit gets swallowed by women whose partners get caught on escort sites, with booking in their email etc. No. If he's looking, he's thinking about buying if he hasn't done already.

I also wouldn't believe this. At some point he had to type into a search engine 'escorts in X area' or similar - if he was just looking for more porn, he could have easily found it. This would be a deal breaker for me.

So much shit gets swallowed by women whose partners get caught on escort sites

Or just generally. I am astonished that so many women consider their husbands/partners to be such half soaked, passive participants in their own lives that they believe they accidentally find themselves having done this or similar.

How many women have found their husband secretly sponsoring a child or something who claimed that they'd just happened upon it without knowing how/what it was/what it would look like. None. That's how many.

What a horrible discovery. Sorry for you. I found an ex had been on local escorts sites numerous times.
Fortunately we hadn't been together too long and hadn't built a life together. Altho we had been good friends for decades.
As soon as I found out I dumped his ass. He still doesn't know to this day why I ended it. I just never want to see or speak to him again I went for sti tests, fortunately I was clean. Repulsive little man.

How many more humiliating sources of contempt for you and your marriage must you witness or uncover, for you to start joining the dots? It's time to stop 'putting out fires' (dealing with unacceptable issues as isolated incidents).

I spent years hanging onto my last relationship by my fingernails, that I'd not realised or calculated the cost of surrendering so much power. Fortunately, my hand was forced by the most traumatic moment of mine and DD's lives but it did prove to be the catalyst for action.

Handwringing is a passive occupation that won't lead to improvement.

Thanks for your replies, I'm so confused, still dumstruck.

His reason for going on escort websites was curiosity and titilation, some backstory to this though - one of his mates has been caught out actually visiting escorts, it's been the talk of the group and he wanted to see what they were about. I have said exactly what you have said in that I thought looking, then visiting is the next step but he has repeatedly said he would never actually visit or have sex. He reckons he has a destructive characteristic which is why he has done this alongside his drinking, manipulation and now wants to get help.

I'm hesistant and confused, feeling very weak willed in all this, I wish I had the confidence and self esteem that you all want me to have but it has been knocked out of me (not literally)again.

Sorry to hear what happened to you isetan I hope all is good for you now. For me at the moment, I am too confused and unsure as I love him deep down but feel like I'm being disrepectd.

He reckons he has a destructive characteristic

That's very passive isn't it? I'm an abusive bastard because I have a 'characteristic' that is just part of me, not because I made choices to behave in those ways.

Don't let him bullshit you.

I see what you are saying obsidian.I feel like he is truly sorry and scared that we may finally break up because of his behaviour. I'm really scared of that too as a) I love him despite him being a selfish pig b) DC and the impact of a broken family. I am going to look into support and how we can work through this, I know that sounds so weak from me but I'm scared of being alone and I'm feeling so emotionally fragile and confused at the moment.

I appreciate everyone supportive words and encouragement but it is so hard.

No he is not sorry; he is only sorry because he has been caught out. He is the root cause of your overall confusion.

What is there still to love about this man?. I would also think that your relationship is not one of love but of co-dependency instead. It makes me also wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up as well.

Do you not think that you and your H would now be better off apart; its not doing your children any favours at all to be seeing one of their parents embark on their own private war against the other. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that this is to be their norm too?.

Far better to be apart and happier, these children are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying. They will instead despise you for doing so and call you daft because in their eyes you have put him before them.

Ah, so none ofit is his faukt eh?

It's because he has a character flaw

It's becuse of his friend

Nothing to do with him being an arsehole then?

I hate when people always just instantly decide that the worst case scenario is definitely what's happened!

I've looked at stuff like that before. Not because I actually want to meet an escort/cheat on my wife or any of that rubbish. Simply because it's a different fantasy to watching porn because you know you could meet that woman if you wanted. It's probably more a silly male ego thing than anything else but the point is that just because someone has looked at such a site it DOES NOT automatically mean they've seen a prostitute or even intend to. Jesus Christ.

It makes me sad as a man that other men have damaged some of you so badly that you can't see anything but the worst :(

Do I enjoy porn? Of course I do. Would I rather look at that than be with my wife? No way!

OP I hope you manage to figure this out. I'm not defending him or saying that he's innocent, I'm just saying don't discount the possibility just because of other peoples' cynicism.

His reason for going on escort websites was curiosity and titilation, some backstory to this though - one of his mates has been caught out actually visiting escorts, it's been the talk of the group and he wanted to see what they were about

I have heard this exact excuse before. To the letter. Who doesn't know what escort sites are about?

I'm inclined to believe the tears are genuine - for this reason - they're totally incommensurate with being caught innocently looking at a random website.
If he's crying he's got likely something bigger in his conscience and a great deal to lose.

Feeling sick and my head is going haywire, I can see the LTB views but I want to work through this, my first ever relationship was based on cheating and emotional abuse, this isn't that. But maybe I'm being a fool and you're all right, he is an arse and I'm destroying my DC childhood.

theenemy good to hear a man's perspective, I do believe he hasn't cheated but I can't understand why men need to view those kind of sites. So disrespectful.

TheEnemy

Given that 1 in 10 men have used prostitutes, it's actually fairly common.

I'm not remotely damaged by men, but I'm wordly wise and I know perfectly well what some men get up to.

The sex industry, in all its forms, is a massive lure.

From the OP's PoV, she has to work from worst case scenario to protect herself physically - by having STI tests - and emotionally in case he has been using and does it again.

Far better that than naively to swallow a whole spiel which turns out to be bullshit.

He's already given her 2 different excuses - porn sites were down which is an obvious lie - no actually he was looking because of a friend. There's no evidence that he's used escorts yet, but there's evidence that he's lying about being on the site.

OP needs to go through his phone, emails, Internet history and credit cards to suss out what's being going on.