DH visiting escort sites

[nickimonach]

NC as I've been on here previously with issues regarding my marriage and us taking each other for granted, him sniping and putting me down, my alleged 'aggression', him not backing down in arguments. As I write these I'm now questioning why we are together.

Last night was the cherry on the top...I was checking his phone and found he'd been visiting escort websites. Straight away he admitted and said he was looking at them for 'titilation' as his usual porn sites have been blocked .

Our relationship has had its moments as I have stated above but this has floored me...he says he wasn't actually going to visit an escort/prostitute but even looking at those sites still makes me sick, I reminded him that is someone's daughter and how would he feel someone oggling our DD? We've both took a day off work to talk and although it hurts really badly, I want us to stay together, perhaps out of fear of the unknown, but also because I love him despite his faults. He is very contrite and burst out crying, it's given him a wake up call.

I'm not in bits, yet, crying as I don't feel like I can but I'm devastated. Am I that awful/ unattractive that he feels he needs to view that filth?

I've put it out on here but I cannot discuss with anyone in RL, it's horrifying.

OK its quite likely that he has looked at escort sites. However actually going to see one is another matter, it's a boundary he might or not have crossed as yet. Yes they exist and have done so for aeons, prostitutes that is and the net and mobile phones have made them more accessible than ever before. A few years ago we had one at the end of our street!, and we live in a nice respectable area 3 girls were working there and a few local men were found out!, quite a surprise it was too for the neighbours.

Right. Now the question is why has he done that if he actuality has it does seem that these ladies have two main types of client younger ones who either can't or don't or haven't time to get a girlfriend they just want an experience and that's that. The other is the married man. He might just need some physical sex he might just want to spend time with a woman he can talk to and as he's paying then she will listen.

Now i bet there are a lot of the former men who just want a shag, their there for many reasons they probably don't get it at home they more then likely do not want an affair they have a relationship, they do not want another they just need the shag that's not there at home anymore for whatever reason and or reasons and are quite content with that.

OK sure howls of bastards and the like and yes, accepted in the main.

But it seems to me that your OH is in the just wants to speak to one camp OK he might be shagging her might not but either way is a very big indicator that alls not well at home, so no real surprise there.

So what do you do?. Suggestions are relate, counselling confront him divorce him the choice is not easy and its bl**dy hard whatever you might do. If this is or might be a one off and there was an underlying reason then you might just forgive him and rebuild that trust but if he's a serial bastard anyway and you really have had enough then perhaps the best is divorce.

It seems to me reading these threads that a lot of women want the marriage to hold together they want this problem to go away, they want their man back loving them. The real question is do you want him back only you can decide is its just a one off and i don't mean that "just" lightly at all or is it just him being the bastard and i think that most women come to realise that they are landed with one and thankfully do end it and are the better for it. Only you can decide by communicating with him if there are other reasons whatever they might be if he can admit to them and is truly sorry then you might just be able to rebuild it.

The only underlying reason someone looks up a local prostitute is that they are thinking of arranging sex with a local prostitute.

Listen, its very simple, if he was only looking at the website out of curiosity because of his friend, he would have no problem in telling you, but as he was found out, its the "tears" that say everything, he is as guilty as hell, he knows he has been found out, the tears are to deflect you and also the fear and humiliation he is going to get once his ass is dumped because you found out he was visiting escorts and all his friends will know what he has been up to, its all about self preservation for him.

It's a terrible thing to find out, the last thing you want to believe is that your dh could ever do such a thing, but that's entirely up to you!

If he'd done it out of curiosity with no intent, then why is he saying it is a 'catastrophic error,'

I appreciate all the views and advice. I know my DH and I know when he is lying (I know you will disagree), he is very remorseful and has said he would do anything to reverse the last few weeks of sheer stupidity. He has not been unfaithful in visiting a prost directly, he has looked at the website for a thrill, a stupid thrill. It has also dawned on him that he cannot behave like this anymore, he has assured me he will change his arrogant behaviour, he was terrified of losing me and the family and is going to get help for his behaviour.

We are not perfect but I think we can get through this, some of you think I am foolish but I do believe we can work this out, he wouldn't be unfaithful in the RW, I have no need to get STD tests as if he had done that, he would not be under the same roof as his family.

I have asked him why, but he promises me it was curiosity after his mate incident.

Just be careful. Many don't change they just get more adept at covering their tracks. Be ready for the worst and hope for the best.

Good luck

Do you know what. I'm old and a woman and looked at porn and escort sites- just for curiosity.

My ex looked at escort sites "out of curiosity", funny how that curiosity could only be satisfied by looking at local sites rather than by checking out one across the the side of the country for instance.

He cried too despite never showing emotion. It was all self-pitying bollocks of course.

Thing is, if I'd looked out of curiosity, I'd be laughing and saying, "oh god, no, you've got the wrong end of the stick. Understandably of course..."

It's not that his explanation is unfeasible. It's his reaction that makes it unbelievable.

But, you know, there's none so blind as those who will not see.

If you believed him, you wouldn't have posted. You were hoping that a) we would have validated his story and reassured you of his innocence or b) in aiming to convince us of his innocence, you would also be convincing yourself.

I have no need to get STD tests as if he had done that, he would not be under the same roof as his family

As you are relying on a proven liar to be honest now that you have discovered his hitherto clandestine activities, the fact of the matter is that you cannot be certain whether or not he has paid for sexual services from the young women he has been looking at on local escort sites.

Given the possibility that he is continuing to lie to you, it is in your best interests to ensure that your health has not been compromised by any extra marital sexual relationships he may have engaged in with other women.

This is no more than sensible advice of the kind that would be given to any woman who finds herself in your situation as some stds do not announce their presence with noticeable symptoms and, if left untreated, they can be exceedingly damaging in the longer term.

Visiting a prostitute shopping site to pick up a prostitute is a reasonable explanation for his actions. Visiting the site out of curiosity when the idea cropped up in his life is also a reasonable explanation. Only you know which is more likely in this case. Anyone telling you it's black and white is misguided.

As a male, I can confirm that I have knocked one out looking at escort sites on several occasions, but have never used a prostitute and don't have any intention of doing so. I imagine there's plenty of other men that have looked without thinking of acting on it.

Whether that's the same for the OP's DH , I obviously have no idea, but it's certainly possible and I don't find it too hard to believe.

I'd be feeling very much insecure if I was in the OP's position, but I wouldn't 'LTB' over it unless you're sure.

As a male, I can confirm that I have knocked one out looking at escort sites on several occasions, but have never used a prostitute and don't have any intention of doing so.

Boak

What lucky lady managed to bag you?

Bathtime Funkster - A very content one that I know has checked out similar websites herself.

Feel free to judge me (or her), but as someone who rarely posts on here I thought I'd take the time to bare something private so that the OP, who may have important life decisions to make, has honest opinions from different perspectives to weigh up.

Did you choose only local sites dybil?

I appreciate hearing the male perspective on this thread as I don't know what is going on in DH head.

I'm not going to LTB as I feel we can work through this. As I said earlier I'm thinking of my mental health and also my DC, breaking up would be not the right thing to do.

You've all helped clarify my thinking, thanks. I have put the points across to him that we've discussed on this thread, he accepts I could leave him but has assured me he will change, the escort sites were a big mistake that he regrets and it has been a wake up to change his attitude. Only time will tell and then you can all tell me I told you so if it goes horribly wrong.

Twinklestein - Yes actually. For one, you generally have to search by area and I guess your area will be the first that springs to mind (I think one some sites you might even have to put in a postcode, makes sense to use your own).

Plus I suppose the fantasy is that they are women that are sexually available to you - if they are the other end of the country I suppose you lose that.

And I guess there's always the possibility that you might recognise one of the local ones too!

Ok I find some escort sites amusing in a sort of morbidly fascinating way. The SAAGE board is pretty funny for mundane observations about the practicalities of having sex for 8 hours a day. I haven't looked at any for years and I've never found it exciting- more interesting/funny.

Maybe it's me being a straight girl but I certainly wouldn't be crying if someone found me. I've shown funny bits to most people I know. The tears seem a bit guilty to me.

he will change

What is it specifically that he will change? If looking at those sites was innocent then what need is there to change?

Umm, fastsdaytears I think you must mean this one the SAAGE board is relating to a global education entity;! LOL!.

www.saafe.info/

OP, can I just throw a few questions to you? I have had the misfortune of being in a similar situation as you (similar, but can never be the same).

Did your DH ever explain to you the reasons why he lied? Was it because he knew that..

a) the first lie was so poor, that you would find out? (being blocked from every porn site in the world is quite impressive

b) his explanation that a friend within his group was 'caught' visiting a prostitute, and therefore he had to look to 'see' what it was all about? Exactly how old is he- 12years?

c) there is NEVER any reason for any man/woman (especially) within a relationship, to feel that he has the RIGHT, to view (if that's all???) another person for the purpose of paying them for their body, is downright disgusting.

I agree that everthing is easily more available via the Internet, but does that mean that we all succumb to it and use that as an excuse for I fuck ups?

I truely feel for you OP. If you decide to stay, then Please be prepared for a life of uncertainty and for your self esteem to diminish.. X

Justaboy oh my god. Yes I doubt the SAAGE board has much about lube. Sorry!

Hmmmmmn. This is exactly what my dh said when found out. I insisted on checking phone and bank records and found out that it had been going on for years.

Think you should ask him to prove it. ATM withdrawals etc.

You are being wilfully naive. He's as guilty as hell or he wouldn't have cried.

You should leave him before he feeds you anymore bullshit.