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Original poster

DH visiting escort sites

73 replies

nickimonach · 16/09/2015 21:56

NC as I've been on here previously with issues regarding my marriage and us taking each other for granted, him sniping and putting me down, my alleged 'aggression', him not backing down in arguments. As I write these I'm now questioning why we are together.

Last night was the cherry on the top...I was checking his phone and found he'd been visiting escort websites. Straight away he admitted and said he was looking at them for 'titilation' as his usual porn sites have been blocked Shock.

Our relationship has had its moments as I have stated above but this has floored me...he says he wasn't actually going to visit an escort/prostitute but even looking at those sites still makes me sick, I reminded him that is someone's daughter and how would he feel someone oggling our DD? We've both took a day off work to talk and although it hurts really badly, I want us to stay together, perhaps out of fear of the unknown, but also because I love him despite his faults. He is very contrite and burst out crying, it's given him a wake up call.

I'm not in bits, yet, crying as I don't feel like I can but I'm devastated. Am I that awful/ unattractive that he feels he needs to view that filth?

I've put it out on here but I cannot discuss with anyone in RL, it's horrifying.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 11:43

my first ever relationship was based on cheating and emotional abuse, this isn't that

I'm really sorry to hear that but given the sniping, the put downs, the potential use of escorts it sounds like you're in a relationship that's fairly similar to your first. It might not be as bad, but that's not saying much is it?

pocketsaviour · 17/09/2015 11:50

OP I would ask him which friend of his was "caught" and ask to speak to this friend and/or his partner. I would also ask to see emails or text messages supporting this story, ones dated in the past, to be looked at by yourself on the phone or laptop/tablet/PC, not one that's been printed out (it's very easy to photoshop dates.)

I wouldn't immediately assume he's actually seen a sex worker, but the fact he tried out a lie about porn first and then came up with another excuse when that was disbelieved makes me dubious. I'm afraid I think he was certainly interested in making a booking, although he may not have done so yet.

TheEnemy123 · 17/09/2015 11:56

I think that we (men) have a different idea of what is and isn't respectful in many cases. I don't know many men who wouldn't think "what's the harm in looking at a website" to be honest. There wouldn't be any deliberate malice or disrespect in that.

Not saying that's always the case, mind.

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 12:11

Why do male posters on here always presume to speak for all men?

Original poster
nickimonach · 17/09/2015 12:15

He keeps ringing me and has said that he would never, ever use a prostitute/ escort, be unfaithful, I've believed him on this. I think we need to work out where we want to go with this marriage.

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 17/09/2015 12:18

TheEnemy123 LOL at us being damaged because we think that the reason men go on prostitute sites is that they want to book a prostitute!

TheEnemy123 · 17/09/2015 12:24

Twinklestein, I'm not doing that. I'm just going on my own experiences either of myself or friends/family. It's a decent enough cross section to make a generalisation from. Nothing anyone says is ever applicable to everyone.

DarkNavyBlue, you clearly missed my point. Some people on here are screwed up and have a very warped perspective. I'm sorry if you want to disagree with me.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 17/09/2015 12:24

Looking at an escort website isn't disrespectful? If my partner did this I would think it's very disrespectful!!

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 12:27

I think you need to hold off from believing him until you've done some research OP. It's possible he's telling the truth, but you need to know for sure - or rather to the best of your abilities in this case.

Otherwise the trust issue will undermine your relationship. Every time he's late or deletes his history you're going to be wondering if he's up to snuff.

And if he has been using he will know he can carry on.

TheEnemy123 · 17/09/2015 12:29

Also Twinklestein , I'm not saying you're definitely wrong. I'd just hate to see a marriage break up because someone states as fact that something has definitely happened without actually knowing.

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 12:31

Enemy You said men have a different idea of what's respectful.

You're now trying to change it to friends and family.

What people think respectful depends so much on intelligence, education, background, culture and individual character that you simply cannot generalise from your mates.

LovelyFriend · 17/09/2015 12:31

ahh ha! Brilliant.

So escort websites exist for men to get titillated from the safety of their own phone - nothing to do with running a business where money exchanges hands for sex.

Glad that is sorted then

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 12:33

Presumably the OP has the intelligent to know that no-one here knows for sure what happened, given that she doesn't.

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 12:34

Intelligence ^

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2015 12:55

Op is ask him to sign into his account on these sites right there in front of me so I can have a look. See what his reaction is to that

Jan45 · 17/09/2015 13:28

He sounds horrible, put downs, porn sites, escorts, do you really think any of it will stop, he will just hide it better so you don't find out again.

What is there to work on, your acceptance of him showing you nothing but disrespect, the relationship sounds shit so why not use this latest indiscretion to actually change your life, you don't have to live with a man who has one foot out the door, there are actually men out there who will respect you and treat you as their equal.

Seriously, this wont get better, he's just floored you caught him out.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/09/2015 14:16

I'm also wondering what there is to work through, but if you're ok with the behaviours described in the op, and now this, and still want to work on it, then good luck

Original poster
nickimonach · 17/09/2015 15:14

Thanks all, yes I think I will need a huge amount of luck, call me stupid but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've checked his phone records and bank details, nothing is odd. He means it when he says he has made a catastrophic error, those tears have been real as he never shows his emotions. I think he has realised how much he has to lose.

I think we'll have to go back to counselling. I am thinking of my DC, I don't think I could have them left on their own with me in my ever changing mental state.

OP posts:
TheEnemy123 · 17/09/2015 15:34

Twinklestein , I am just saying how I feel it is. Most blokes I've ever known or encountered online or anywhere else wouldn't think they were disrespecting their OH by looking at stuff like that. It's just a differing point of view.

As for the 1 in 10 men having used prostitutes, well 9 out of 10 haven't, so let's not jump to conclusions eh? The OP is the only one here who will get to ask the question and look into this guy's eyes when he answers and I think she'll know deep down one way or the other. I do wish them the best of luck going forward.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 17/09/2015 15:35

I think he has realised how much he has to lose.

Well I think you're a fool. Just what would your deal breaker be?!

Fwiw, I ended my marriage with a similar amount of 'evidence' on something similar. ie not a fat lot.

Imy conversation went along the lines if...

"it was a pop up I can't help what pop ups I get!"

"I can see you went on there"

"I clicked on it by accident"

"I can see there were multiple visits"

"Well I was just curious about what it was. That's all"

"I can see you had an account"

"Well I was curious and you had to ligin to look. I was only looking though"

"You had a profile, with photos and everything"

"I was just messing about. I was bored"

"I can see you messaged women"

"I never met anyone"

"I don't care. It's over"

"Well it's your fault. If you hadn't been snooping..."

I wasn't snooping. I had borrowed his laptop with his express permission and found it all when I cleared my own history.

They will only admit as much as they absolutely have to. And will stop whem hou accept what they say.

You want to believe him, so you will.

Twinklestein · 17/09/2015 15:40

Most blokes I've ever known or encountered online or anywhere else wouldn't think they were disrespecting their OH by looking at stuff like that

All that that shows is the kind of blokes you fraternise with. There are 3.5 billion men in the world.

TheEnemy123 · 17/09/2015 15:57

Ok then. You seem to know best so I'll leave you to it.

Jan45 · 17/09/2015 15:58

I am sure his tears are real but don't kid yourself they are for you, they are only because he's scared cos he got caught, he admitted it because he got caught, he is sorry because he got caught..........

Your call OP but get him to give you something at least otherwise you really are telling him you will put up with any old crap.

One being he comes off the porn/escort sites, puts an effort into actually making things work and stops putting you down, blaming you for his own weak characteristics, I'm afraid his actions are that of a man who isn't really committed to you and you seem to be taking on the role of the cause of his own actions, HIS, not yours.

batshitlady · 17/09/2015 16:21

Blocked my arse! But that doesn't necessarily mean he's been visiting prossies OP. I had an ex who used to look at escort web sites, he used to get off on looking at women selling themselves.. We're still friends, I asked him a year or so ago if he did visit any when we were together, he said he didn't and still hasn't - he just went through a phase of being mildly obsessed about women who are sexually available to anyone.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 17/09/2015 16:26

They're vile aren't they?

If I ever doubt my decision to stay single, I only have to look at threads like this!

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