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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Secret individual session with couples counsellor

72 replies

torontonian · 16/09/2015 10:28

I found out that my H went for a session with our couples counsellor on his own and secretly today.
I felt betrayed by him hiding things but this takes a new dimension. I feel betrayed by both of them since when we asked the therapist if she would lead individual sessions she answered that it was better if we kept the sessions as a couple.
I understand his need to see her on his own but why hiding it? Is this professional from her?
BTW, he also came back today asking for divorce.

OP posts:

Bellemere · 16/09/2015 10:35

Definitely not professional.

TimeToMuskUp · 16/09/2015 10:40

No, totally unprofessional of her. My Mum does couples therapy and I know for an absolute certainty that what she says to both applies to both.

Is it totally unexpected that he's asking for a divorce?

Morganly · 16/09/2015 11:20

He probably arranged the individual session and kept it secret because he'd already decided he wanted a divorce but didn't want to admit it during the couple session. Bit cowardly of him but presumably the counsellor has now told him that if that's what he's decided he needs to tell you rather than fannying around pretending he's engaging in couples counselling with you.

The counsellor may well have done you a favour though I appreciate that it may not feel like it at the moment. Imagine going through weeks of it, bearing your soul, promising to be a better person, make more time for him etc, when all the time he was planning on leaving the marriage anyway.

Another woman, is it?

Duckdeamon · 16/09/2015 11:31

Sorry if your DH has made a decision you're unhappy with.

Probably not textbook handling on the counsellor's part but not necessarily unprofessional if it was just one session and she planned on being open about them having had the session when you had another session as a couple.

Winniethewylde · 16/09/2015 13:11

My H did this. Didn't open up at all during our sessions then secretly went for one on his own with her. It was the end for me as clearly he had issues he couldn't talk about openly. He then decided he wanted to try properly.

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 13:16

It is unprofessional conduct on the part of the counsellor. Does she belong to a professional body? She should be reported if so. I'm very sorry you are in this situation

Original poster

torontonian · 16/09/2015 13:48

TimeToMuskUp Not totally unexpected as we are going to counselling after he said he wanted to split up. But at the same time he said that last weekend was great and he could see I am trying (we were at the point of every day a bad day). So somewhat confusing.

Duckdeamon he requested the session, didn't tell me about it and paid in cash. I think she has a confidentiality obligation towards him. I feel back stabbed (him) and confused (counsellor).

Morganly This is exactly what I have been thinking all the time (been in counselling for 6-7 weeks). He gave me a list of things that he needed to be happy/I needed to change. After some introspection I started working on some of them and the first week that I made a big effort it was not appreciated (he saw the changes but were not enough). I thought that he had decided that I couldn't do it right and was stringing me along and I told him. During these 6 weeks I have told him that I thought he had made his decision to split up and was just waiting for something. But he told me that I was wrong every time.
As I said I am changing things (and quickly) as they were simple (basically not nagging about housework), and making more allowances (see more of his parents, socialize more, work 60h/week...). He invited his mother on Friday to come and stay the first week of October, so I am not sure Friday was decided. I don't know whay ti think anymore.
Also he came home kind of normal (he said I love you to our DS, that he doesn't do often). Didn't say a word about it until I asked if we were going to talk after kids were sleeping (been doing that for a couple of months). Then he dropped it. And at 10.30pm he said he was going to set the bed in the spare room (four hours after he got home). Kids are 2 yo and 2 mo so he wasn't avoiding drama for them.
What makes you think about other woman Morganly?

OP posts:

Original poster

torontonian · 16/09/2015 14:00

Winniethewylde I actually understand that he wanted to discuss something without me present, what I don't understand is why he hid he was going to see her. The lies and hiding, the sense of betrayal, just adds to the pain.
kittybiscuits I don't want to screw her, I think she is a good therapist but I found it wrong. If she sees us as a couple, she should not see us individually as it might be conflicting iykwim?
*

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 16/09/2015 14:23

I see you've recently given birth to dc2. Were there problems in your marriage before you became pg or did they develop during your pregnancy?

It seems he's put the onus on you to change and I'm curious to know what you'd like to change about him and whether you were able to express your feelings during the couples counselling sessions you've attended with him?

If his fault finding has been a fairly recent phenomenon it could be that he has an ow, which is most probably why Morganly has raised the question.

Do you have rl support from friends/family?

Winniethewylde · 16/09/2015 14:26

I felt that too OP. I also felt that they had knowledge that I didn't and felt ganged up on, like I was being portrayed as the one to blame.

RaspberryOverload · 16/09/2015 14:29

torontonian

Why are you the one who has to make all the changes?

From what I can see, everything you post are about what you are supposed to change, but nothing about him.

And then he asks for a divorce.

During these 6 weeks I have told him that I thought he had made his decision to split up and was just waiting for something.

Sorry, I'd suspect another woman here. And this^^ is why.

I'd bet he's been laying the foundations to blame it all on you, as I can't see anywhere that he acknowledges he might have been contributing to the situation. Nothing is ever quite so one-sided as that if both sides are actually committed to the marriage.

ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 14:32

I would be thinking of OW too. He's got something he wants to discuss privately with her and then comes home and says he wants a divorce?

I wouldn't be going back to that woman. If you ask him in counselling if he's got an OW and he says no but she knows he has, how would that pan out?

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 17:27

There is a lot I could say about your husband but I won't.

Regarding the therapist, reporting her is not screwing her. If she is a member of a professional body they have a code of ethics to which she is supposed to abide. Meeting your husband in secret is not acceptable practice. She should have been transparent about how she practices and in what circumstances she would do additional individual sessions. This would usually involve one or more individual sessions with each party and then coming back together. In couple counselling the relationship IS the client. You have not been treated fairly here. But this may pale into insignificance next to your husband's shirty behaviour. I would find yourself a supportive and trustworthy individual counsellor for yourself and divorce him asap because he has already left this relationship. You deserve so much more.

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 17:28

*shitty behaviour - sorry

HeyDuggee · 16/09/2015 17:35

Well, he couldve said to her... I can't do this, I want to divorce but I don't know how to say it without devastating her... Can you please see me asap for one time only so I can sort it in my head, etc. in this scenario the therapist is looking for both of your interests and the couples' counseling isn't a conflict of interest as there won't be anymore of it. You have no idea what he said to her to make her agree to an exception to her previously stated rule.

Morganly · 16/09/2015 17:40

He sounds like a shit. You have a 2 month old baby but you have to make major effort and changes to keep him happy. He should be breaking his back to support you while you are coping with such a young child, both physically and emotionally. To put you through all this now is cruel and heartless.

I thought other woman because that is so often the catalyst for men checking out of their marriages.

I am so sorry for what he is doing to you.

I think you should see a solicitor to find out your financial position and then I think he needs to move out of the house, not just into the spare room. Why should he get all his home comforts while he is being so selfish and cruel? If he wants out, he should get out.

Bellemere · 16/09/2015 17:41

No I disagree with that - the therapist has a duty to provide clear boundaries and to stick to them. Saying that she wouldn't do individual sessions and then doing exactly that without discussing it with both people first is not sticking to that boundary. It has broken the trust between the OP and the therapist and rightly so.

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 17:48

The ex can ask for anything he likes. The therapist has a professional duty and seems to have been sadly careless, possibly negligent.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 17:49

I know already that your couple's counsellor is a pile of crap if she/he sanctioned all those hoops you had to jump through just to hang onto this bloke.

magoria · 16/09/2015 17:52

I am sorry you are going through this.

Counsellor sounds like she has done you a massive favour from you later posts. What an arse! All those changes you have to make with a new baby!

You can no longer trust her and there is no point going to any further sessions with her. If you feel she has breeched trust then do report her.

She sounds like an absolute shit counsellor if she has been encouraging you to go along with bending over backwards with a broom up your arse to keep this man with such a young baby.

I would look for an alternative for you to work through your thoughts/feelings alone now.

Original poster

torontonian · 16/09/2015 18:46

Thank you everybody, reading your messages takes my mind out of it for a while and I can breath again. I would like to re-read with more calm and respond to your questions, but I need some advice right now regarding the counsellor.
This is all that I know:
My husband wrote to her on Monday to ask for an extra 1:1 session. He went yesterday, didn't tell me and he paid in cash. I found out last night as I checked his phone after the development of events.
In the emails, he didn't say it had to happen in secret. I can't tell that she knows he went in secret.
Now, I don't have anybody in real life to turn to and I am devastated. I really need to talk with somebody and I think that she is a good therapist, so I asked for the same, a 1:1 session today. She only has 30 minutes, but I am going to her office. The question is: should I tell her that I know he went yesterday? should I tell her that he hid it from me? Or just tell her what happened and how I feel?

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 19:12

I really really wouldn't go to her. I know you're desperate but she's already messed things up and she cannot tell you what he has said or what is really going on. I really don't think it will bring you any comfort. Please find someone trustworthy for yourself.

Original poster

torontonian · 16/09/2015 19:13

She sounds like an absolute shit counsellor if she has been encouraging you to go along with bending over backwards with a broom up your arse to keep this man with such a young baby.

She has not encouraged me to make these changes. She told me that I had more invested emotionally than my husband. Our "homework" for this week was to talk about how an amicable split would look like...
It was my husband who was telling me that I was all wrong when I said that I felt he didn't want to fix the relationship and was just stringing me along. I just wanted to believe it because I want this to work so badly...
She hinted that I should think about a split and how it would be for me. I am not accepting it yet. Less than 24 hours, but I know it is not good for me.

I have no one in real life to talk, I am far from my country and I am depressed (clinically or not). My two years old is going through a very hard time with the new baby and now this. I am sinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

torontonian · 16/09/2015 19:16

Thank you kittybiscuits. I really need to just talk with somebody face to face and I only have my two months old right here. Although she is adorable, I am not feeling any better as the day goes by.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 16/09/2015 19:17

People are here for you. I'm sorry it's so hard. You must be really shocked at how things have turned around. Something isn't right if you were trying to work things out but the homework was to discuss an amicable split. The only thing you can do now is give yourself some time to adjust to the shock. Can you get to friends or family with your children?

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