Secret individual session with couples counsellor

[torontonian]

I found out that my H went for a session with our couples counsellor on his own and secretly today.
I felt betrayed by him hiding things but this takes a new dimension. I feel betrayed by both of them since when we asked the therapist if she would lead individual sessions she answered that it was better if we kept the sessions as a couple.
I understand his need to see her on his own but why hiding it? Is this professional from her?
BTW, he also came back today asking for divorce.

Going back to the therapist is a good idea - it gives you a chance to either repair the relationship or to end the relationship properly. I would tell her how you feel about it though. What you're going through is hard enough without her blurring the boundaries.

Could you go home with your children for a visit, OP?

Definitely see her. I'd guess he told her that you knew he was going and that she would have told you in the next session

She hasn't done anything wrong until the time has passed for her to tell you.

I'm also thinking 'other woman' I just think he's spinning you a line and trying to get you to change so he can pretend you didn't and justify leaving. And then all of a sudden he meets someone

Definitely see her. I'd guess he told her that you knew he was going and that she would have told you in the next session

I don't think that's good enough actually. I would want to be checking with both clients if I was to make such a change to the dynamic.

Nope. Not good enough indeed.

Perhaps the woman this bloke is shagging is the counsellor.

Because he is shagging someone other than op I am afraid

So you started counseling when your baby was two weeks old? Hormones a blazing and body not your own. Oh my you poor poor poor love. Has it been bad for a while? What was he like during the pregnancy ?

goddessofsmallthings
It was not perfect, but this crisis started with my second pregnancy.

I'm curious to know what you'd like to change about him and whether you were able to express your feelings during the couples counselling sessions you've attended with him?
All I am asking for is affection (he withdrew at the beginning of my pregnancy - high risk, two months in bed... so lonely!). I guess that we have focused on his needs because I am more invested emotionally than him and really wanted to make this work.

This screams 'other woman' and 'making it look like your fault' I'm really sorry you are going through all this with such young children

So to be clear - the reason you had to make all the changes is because you are more 'emotionally invested' in the relationship than he is. Doesn't that suggest that an already unequal relationship will become more so? All of the changes you were required to make basically seemed to have the goal of letting him do whatever the fuck he liked - whilst you get on with raising his two children, presumably.

Whether or not there is an OW (and I strongly agree with other posters that there probably is), this is not a way for someone to treat the other person in their relationship - without kindess or respect.

Oh FFS, the OP admits she's got no one to speak with and is isolated, is hormonal having just had a baby, is going to speak with a professional and someone suggests her DH might be fucking the one person she feels she can speak with? Because making her even more isolated and paranoid is really in her best interest.

Something isn't right if you were trying to work things out but the homework was to discuss an amicable split.

As Bellemere said, the idea of this therapist is to guide us through what is best for us, whether if it is being a couple or coparents for our children.

kittybiscuits Alenco I am originally from Spain but live in Canada at the moment. Unfortunately it is to long of a trip for a two months old. Even in the near future I don't think my husband would allow it.

Haha I suspected another woman but it is definitely not the therapist. I told her about the emotional affair (what brought me to mumsnet on the first place, there is a thread about it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2284438-Dont-know-what-to-think-feeling-bad) and that I suspected he was in love with her. The therapist told me that he is not emotionally available right now and that she doesn't think this woman is a problem in our relationship. The OW also tries to keep playing it cool with me so I am not sure... reading some threads in here I would not be surprised if she is laughing in my face though.

EnglishWeddingGuest our first session was 3 weeks post delivery, yes (He asked me for a divorce two days before my due date. Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2418612-DH-wants-to-separaye-slowly).

I know this is not right for me, but I can't help been devastated. I wanted to fix the relationship, I wanted to be happy together, I am making the effort to introduce change... and I am heartbroken. The worse emotion of all is hope. I think that hope is the one who is killing me.
I am worried because I am not accepting. Is this a step that comes after the crying? How long it takes to accept?

He moved to the spare room tonight. Said that we are not together and doesnt want to give the wrong impression. I asked since when we are not together: his guess, since January, wtf!? I asked if moving meant space or he is not going to try anymore. Said is not working blablabla we are too different people blablabla There is never a direct answer, he is the master of ambiguity. Needed to ask again and again, he said space.

I am angry he is giving me hope because I think that it is false hope. It keeps me going, I will sleep some tonight, but it is just delaying the fall, that will happen.

Don't have anybody in real life, mumsnet is wonderful. Been here daily since January. I Wil need a good hug so I tried the platonic woman for woman section from Craigslist to meet new people. . Oh man, some responses are hilarious (guy describing himself, sending photo :|)

I am really sorry but on reading the beginning of your thread about the suspected emotional affair, there is no doubt in my mind that there is an OW lurking around. No man moves this quickly because he is fed up of being nagged to do housework.

It is completely an utterly horrible for you but you need to get your thinking head on and sort out your strategy to exit this marriage. Your DH is already putting his own plan into action, and it's sneaky and mean and I wouldn't be surprised if his behaviour to you deteriorates considerably once he realises that you have got his number.

There are a gazillion threads on here to help you, and lots of lovely mumsnetters waiting in the wings to give you practical and emotional support.

You can't leave to visit your own country right now, but can you have a close family member or friend visit to give you some support? Good luck. You are in a shitty position but you are young, and so are your DC and all will be well.

Sweetheart, the way I read your last post didn't look anything like he was giving you "hope" to me

The only thing I would occluded from a conversation like that is "when is he moving out" and "what are the arrangements for the children"

Sorry

*conclude

Go and see the counselor if you found her helpful - there is no way she is colluding with your husband or that they are ganging up against you.

Do you want to stay in Canada or are you there because of your husband?

If you would live there anyway you need to find out what his arrangements are to take care of you and the children until you can stand on your own 2 feet.

If you want to go back to Spain, would he agree?

Could you go back for a while? You would be surprised how much stronger you would feel surrounded by the familiarity of your own country and family or friends who can give you support?

You need to make a practical plan - you might be surprised that if you focus on that to find out how much better you feel.

At the moment fear is feeding you and the day will come when you look back and think why was I crying over that idiot!!

So get strong, face the facts and plan around that. The reality of your life will not be as bad as the fear you have now wondering what is going to happen.

Yes, I would like to go back to Spain, at least for this hard time but there is no way any of us is going to give up on the kids. He wants 50/50 and I guess that I can't fight that as it is only fair. As a selfish person I would agree for him to have them (not the baby right now) every second weekend as I have a year of maternity leave and I could have my two years old more instead of using daycare.

AnyFucker
I know, I only hear what I want to hear. He didn't say he was not going to try, he chose the space option. At the same time he has told me today that there is no opportunity to fix it.

I took the 30 minutes that the therapist had yesterday. It helped for the evening. The end of the bad relationship, the beginning of the new one... only for the evening. I broke crying in front of my two years old, he gave me lots of hugs, but I don't want him to see me sad.

Last night was bad. My two years old woke up at 1.30am and came to my bed again. The baby kept me awake from 4 am to 6.30am and then I fell asleep in the armchair with her in my arms.

Two days without much sleep and lots of crying, my eyes are swollen. The alleged OW told me yesterday that I looked very tired since my mom is not here (DM came for the baby and left a week ago).

We have another session together today. H said that he doesn't know how to express properly why he doesn't want to try anymore and will ask the therapist to try to explain in a different way. I am not ready to discuss arrangements yet. Can't imagine how empty the house will feel and how alone I am going to be (don't have real friends I can call for a crying session).

You poor thing. I do think the quicker you can bring this farce to a close, the better and quicker to heal you will be.

And the alleged OW told you that "you looked tired" ?

You are a better woman than I.

Oh I don't think she meant bad AnyFucker. My eyes are really swollen, eyelids are red...

We had the session today. H told the therapist he had made a decision and she gave us a todo list: he is moving to the basement, we are meeting a mediator to draft a separation agreement and he will move out.

I also asked him to be honest about third persons and he said he would be. Again he said that there is nobody else. "OW" is more than a friend but not a romantic relationship, more like a sister.
As I said before I have no real friends to talk. Coworkers will be odd. His friends or friends' wives there is two of them that I feel I could trust but it could be no good... Then the only people left is the other three mothers from daycare that I meet from time to time. I was hesitant to share in group or to one of them. Finally, I thought of the one who is single thinking that she might understand better. She is also reading a lot of self help books so I thought that she might need to talk as well. Only thing is that this woman is the alleged OW, so I asked husband if I could talk with her. He said I should. So when I met her at daycare today I told her if we could keep the pizza night tomorrow for the two of us (it was cancelled last minute because the other two mums were busy) I told her that she probably knew quite a bit, she told me that she is still in love with her ex, that she always adviced H to fix it, that she doesnt want more broken families like hers and that he told her that he loves me. Anyway, having dinner with her tomorrow, I will have somebody to cry with (I stole a hug from her today :)). I just hope I don't make a fool of myself (ie H and her are actually together).

I'm sorry that you are feeling so miserable at the moment, but this will fade eventually and you will begin to feel angry and that will push you to do the best you can for yourself and your children.

Do not tell this other woman anything. You need to protect yourself right now. She will feed back everything you say to your husband. Imagine the phonecall straight after you open your heart to her. Break with the counsellor, too.

You need independent advice from people who will have your back not his. Take care, try to get sleep and keep eating anything you can manage.

You poor thing! Your husband is a complete shit to treat you like this. I know it's hard to believe but your life will be immeasurably better without him and his fuckwitted demands. A man who loved you would not behave like this. I have no words of advice, just wanted to give you my support.

Well, after telling me that pizza night was moved to next week, I pulled her out of the class (my tears were falling and I did not want the teachers to see all the drama) and asked her if she was still available and that I needed to talk to someone. At this moment I was giving her a hug and crying.
She asked me what was going on and the conversation was more less:

• "Well you know that H and me are having a bad time"
• "please, don't break the family. Look at my DD, she is the example of a broken home and I don't want this for anyone" (happens that H told her that I initiated this and I had kicked him out)
• "Well, I don't want t, but things are bad"
• "I am on your side, consider me your friend and if you feel that you can trust me you can talk to me"
• "I don't want you to pick sides, I'm not here for that. I just need to talk to someone"

She has a DD the same age as my DS (27-28 months old) and hasn't seen her DD's father for 18 months. They are not together, she still loves him but "he is not here" (he lives abroad) and he needs to "work on his issues first".
I obviously know that some things I tell her will not be confidential, same way she has told me some things that H confided in her, like he loves me, he wants to go out more or that I kicked him out. I don't think I am going to tell her anything that H doesn't know already so I don't see any "danger" in her telling him about our conversation.
She didn't know that he decided to separate, she was assuming it was me, so from what I heard yesterday I would say that they don't have a relationship. And even so it would be good to talk to someone. I will skip the part where I think she was the OW, of course, although she already must know something as she asked H not to send her more messages around March, I think she did not want to create conflict in our relationship.
She wrote me at 2:30 am to say "be strong and remember he loves you, etc.". She told me that we will plan something and he is not leaving. As if we were teenagers hahaha I KNOW that there is no magic plan to change someone's feelings and that it would make things worse. I will just talk with her today.

herooftime, AnyFucker what do you think is wrong with talking to her? Even after whay I said in this post?

Glastokity he said that he doesn't love anymore. That helps to make peace. I haven't asked him again to try to make things work. I think that I am at the point I wanted to be yesterday: I believe that this is hapenning. The pain is the same, but at least the hope is less and that helps me. I don't want to feed hope. It is a killer.

I think that any person you need to confide in should not have the level of involvement this woman has in your relationship.

If your husband is ending your marriage out of the blue when you have a toddler and a newborn, if he had a shred of compassion he would support you to go away with your children and be with your loved ones who can support you. It's not about who the children will live with. It's about you having support to get through the shock of this awful situation he has inflicted on you. Please do whatever you need to do to surround yourself with supportive people.