Secret individual session with couples counsellor

[torontonian]

I found out that my H went for a session with our couples counsellor on his own and secretly today.
I felt betrayed by him hiding things but this takes a new dimension. I feel betrayed by both of them since when we asked the therapist if she would lead individual sessions she answered that it was better if we kept the sessions as a couple.
I understand his need to see her on his own but why hiding it? Is this professional from her?
BTW, he also came back today asking for divorce.

Totally agree with kittybiscuits. This would be your own benefit, but also for the benefit of the children. You don't have to go for long.

UPDATE AFTER DINNER WITH "OW"

Unexpected turn of events today. "OW" had a trial this morning and we were to have dinner/playdate this evening. H went to court with her and hid it from me. Then he decided to tell me and added that he kept talking with her and hiding it from me (I thought/he said that they stopped around March). He gave me some more detail.
After that I didn't know what to think about her and decided that I would ask about court and see what else she would tell me... Happened that H arrived in the middle of our conversation about the trial and she naturally said he was there. When we were alone I told her that H had not told me and she was surprised. She told me that she couldn't understand why since there were a couple of persons there that could have told me. So I went ahead and asked her to tell me everything that hapenned between them since I didn't know how much he has hidden from me... she went into quite a bit of detail... and volunteered her phone to me to read the full history of messages between them.
Well, she is definitely not the OW and she had no idea he was hiding things from me. The story was similar to my H. They messaged a lot... then H said I was upset, she asked him to stop messaging her because she did not want to create trouble, etc and when husband started writing again she said the same thing and he told her that it was a one time argument and I was ok with it.
Besides that, H told me that she is angry with him for separating. Looks real. And I felt I could trust her. We couldn't talk a lot with two terrorist toddlers running around and a baby to watch but it was enough to find closure to the emotional affair and OW suspicion with her. I think that I have a friend, and the first I can talk to in real life about this. It is a relief :)
She has decided to shut H off and thinks that the other moms will do as well. I feel bad about that. I don't want anyone to pick sides :(

Darling, you need people to pick sides right now and you need them to pick you. How I wish you could pack up your babies and go home to your own Mum right now. If this woman is sincere then that will be a step in the right direction. Keep on gathering together a posse of people around you to support you. Don't worry about your H, he can find his own emotional resources.

Is your h Canadian and do your dc have dual Canadian/Spanish nationality?

goddessofsmallthings

Yes, husband is Polish + Canadian, I am Spanish and kids are Spanish + Canadian.

Not directly related but our plans were to move to Europe in the next 5-10 years. I didn't want to spend so long in Canada but I guess I am stuck here now. That depresses me, I didn't want to make Toronto home, it was a temporary residency for me while things improved in Europe.

What is going on on this thread? Court? Trial? OW?

OP your H is seeing someone else and even if he wasn't he has treated you appallingly. He is a cunt. Your marriage is over. You need to stop meeting with potential OW and start making plans for you and your DC. Is your H moving out of your home?
I think you should take your DC back to Spain for a few weeks to get your head around your split and start to catch your breath and make some plans surrounded by those who love you and you can trust. Your family can look after your DC and you while you get your head round this and grieve the end of your marriage and make plans.
Meeting up with unprofessional counsellors and OW sounds like it is doing you no good whatsoever.
I went through alarmingly similar and I wish I'd had Mumsnet then.
I promise you you will be ok in the end. You WILL be happy again but it won't be with this man.
Your future will be really good but it begins with baby steps so please look into a break home in Spain and accepting what's happening.

Sorry, I tried to explain that she is not the OW.

Back in December, I started a thread about H texting this woman. Veredict: emotional affair...

In July H asked for separation. Veredict: OW.

I have been thinking that H had a crush on her.

H hid that they met for coffee a few times. He also hid thay he went with her (emotional support) to a trial (she wants to evict her tenant). He told me these things yesterday.

After this revelation I didn't know if she knew he was hiding it from me and therefore also hiding it herself (you can say that we are also kind of friends).

So I asked her for the full story and she told me everything she remembered plus volunteered her phone with the full history of messages between her and H to reassure me that there was nothing inappropriate between them.

I listened, I read and now I trust her. She is not the OW. She has been advising him to fix things and she is actually angry with H at the moment for breaking up. She has sided with me and feels very strongly about it having been there herself.

Oh that's OK then. Just your H being a complete bastard. What are you going to do about him OP?

So why is this woman meeting your H for coffee? Why is she texting him? Why is he going to court with her?
Doesn't she have any other friends?
Either way your H is still treating you horrendously. I'd pack his bags and tell him to leave.

What are you going to do about him OP?
Well, we are separating as there is no chance for reconciliation. He doesn't love me anymore.
Now I am trying to find people to talk to. I found one :) I will try to open with the other two mums from daycare that are part of this "group".
I passed the church in my way home and my heart flipped. I tried to talk with the priest but he wasn't there. I am not religious, but I hope he is there to listen? Maybe I will try another day. I just need to let things out with someone and I know he speaks my (mother) language.

So why is this woman meeting your H for coffee? Why is she texting him? Why is he going to court with her? hmm
Well, they started talking as parents of kids in the same class. Then became friends. She is also an immigrant and was/is going through a hard time as well (separation). I guess they found a confident in each other and developed their friendship.

However, she identifies with me and she has sided with me. I know that H values her, maybe even more than me, as last night when I told him I was going to have brunch with her he was furious and didn't want to tell me why. He called her this morning and told her he felt betrayed, etc. I don't want her to sacrifice their friendship but she has explained that even if I feel like that right now, things will get bitter and people will have to choose sides anyway, so she is doing it now.

She is trustworthy, told me about their conversation this morning, told him he couldn't come round without telling me and that everything he said to her on the phone could be disclosed to me. He asked her to report back to him that I was not hurting. Ha! Really!? He is in the same house right now, he knows I am heartbroken.

We are meeting a mediator next week for the separation agreement. I am not ready yet, I am not thinking well and I don't want to make such decisions in this state of mind.

I need to understand why this is happening. He told me he doesn't love me as a wife anymore, but is this enough to get closure?

Sorry for what you are facing and I hope you keep seeking safe people to talk to.

Reality is kicking in. I know this is happening. I have started thinking about what is going to happen and new things came up. I realized that our plans to move to Europe in 5-10 years are not on the table anymore. I am stuck in Canada for much longer than I wanted. That reality is very hard. My parents are 60. When my baby is 18 I hope they are still with us.
Now I start to have more doubts about this woman. We met for brunch on Sunday and husband was furious. He went for a walk and when he came back he gave me a hug and told me that he loves me as the mother of his kids and wants me to be happy. His words had no feeling, as if he was reading from a script and not putting much effort. During our brunch I asked her if they had talked. She told me that he called to come round and she said that he couldn't go if he didn't tell me. And that anything he told her she could tell me. He said that he felt betrayed, that he had the right to divorce, etc. Probably the hug came because she told him to open his heart. ..move forward to Monday she calls me to meet after daycare pick up. We talked for 20 min, she told me that she has talked to husband at daycare, she thinks he is having a mid life crisis.
During dinner husband asked me if I would feel better if he slept upstairs. Wtf!? And that he wants to support me emotionally because I am crying. I replied that I love him but he made a decision and needs to let me heal. That he can't be my emotional support because I am hurting for him. It felt so unnatural (he couldnt give a shit if u was hurting for weeks) I thought of her again and texted "what have you told him today?". I explained what happened to her and she told me that he had emailed saying that he offered a few things that I rejected. She said that these things were coming from his heart and to let him help me at least until baby is 1 year old.
Now:

• I am confused. She might be on the side of fixing things but still talking to him. Maybe she means we'll, but is she helping? BTW she adviced me to threat with taking the kids to Spain (to live). When I asked what for she said so he can feel pain as well. That doesn't look like a good advice at all.
• why is my husband trying to be nice at her command now?

This is a triangle. It helps to talk to her and this group ofmom's is the only people I have in real life right now. So cutting her off would mean the other moms as well and be isolated again. Talk to her and ask to stop talking to husband? How do I ask that? Will they just hide as before? Right now at lest she is open and tells me things.

You need legal advice and you need to stop talking to this woman. She has inserted herself right into the middle of your drama. Why? Would you do that to another mum at a baby group? No, because it is ridiculous.

How long have you been in Canada? If you want to move back to Europe you need to move fast and get expert help.

We are going to a mediator on Thursday but the mediator will try to find a solution closer to 50/50? I mean, if there is something I can fight I need separate legal advice, right? I have been in Canada ... oficially (not as a visitor) since June 2011 I think. Became permanent resident about June 2013. My two children were born here but have dual citizenship. My husband is Canadian, I am Spanish. Married in Canada. I don't think I can move back home. Our plans of moving back to Europe in the near future must be in some email or chat but we don't have a legal contract stating that. So I don't know how much value our plans as a couple might have now. I asked him and he doesn't plan to move anymore.

One more thing, how I do find an specialized lawyer for these cases? Is it international divorce? I don't know what to google

In the nicest possible way, people are screaming at you to stop communicating with two people who definitely don't have your best interest at heart, and to get yourself to a lawyer as fast as possible and find out what you can do for yourself and your children. It's time.

Google is a good place to start - family lawyer - international law.

Oh OP, you really need some legal advice fast and not rush to mediation or to be railroaded into a decision.

I cannot believe that a counsellor engaged in couples counselling with you so soon after the birth of your child. You by yourself, yes, but as a couple, that's completely wrong.

You should be planning your future and that includes how and when your (in the future)ex DH has the DCs.

You could be in a serious mess in a country which is not your own. FGS get some legal advice but also do not let your DH wander off like a single person to set up a new relationship, he has children. Make him spend time with them on his own so that he can appreciate his responsibilities then his selfishness might be reduced.

You would not be able to move back to live in Spain without your ex's permission, but I still think this might be a good time for you to visit home. That woman is certainly not giving you good advice. Telling him that you would stop him seeing the children would be ridiculous, especially as you are obviously not that type of person.

You are all awesome, thank you for the advice and letting me use your experience instead of repeating the same mistakes.
I have been on the edge for the last 10 days: to trust or not to trust this woman. I am very emotional and not thinking well but in a moment of clarity I have decided to keep her at arms length.

I have also come to think that there is a possibility that she and H are working together to keep me "under control". Twisted? Let's blame my hormones! Now I want to disengage but I need to tread carefully. How do I do without stirring shit? I need to keep things calm until I have my ducks in a row.

Mediator said that kids should stay with me (age) and H can visit. He didn't like that.

I am getting info about the legal part soon.

Just wanted to add some support OP. Agree with the others, legal advice is the way to go.

I think the question of whether or not this woman is in cahoots with your ex is now irrelevant. What is highly relevant is that she is increasing the drama and stress for you so I think you are wise to take a step back.

At best she is enjoying the power and attention she is getting from both of you. At worst she's the other woman. Either way she's not a positive influence and needs to be put of the picture.

You need good legal advice right now.

Where are the kids passports?