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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex/Relationship with a Muslim Man

86 replies

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 13:46

Hi all. I can't post this in Sex as I deregged and rejoined after the hacking fiasco last month.

So, about a month or so ago I met a 27 year old Muslim man from Jerusalem. He is working over here for 1 year with an international US company. He has been over since about May. We met at a social event (which attracts mostly single people I guess) and swapped phone numbers. We began texting a LOT in that crazy addicted way. He went back to Jerusalem for a couple of weeks during which the texting continued and we met up on his return. Since then we have spent a lot of time together. He is very nice, kind, affectionate etc. We have discussed a lot of deeper personal issues and I feel there is an emotional connection. He has also expressed that he feels this.

So, when we were texting he told me he was a virgin, however he has now had sex with me. I can't get my head around this. It seems so strange to me to wait this long before having sex, which would to me imply it is important to him within his culture/religion, and then to just get on with it with someone you have known properly for only a few weeks. The way he talks about his family/culture/religion sounds very traditional and I can't work out why having sex has suddenly become acceptable to him.

I know there is a stereotype of Muslim men coming over here and having sex with western women because it is easier/more acceptable in our culture. It makes me feel pretty rubbish to think this is what's happening and I have begun to feel very insecure and paranoid. Part of me is wondering if he even was a virgin or not, or if it could be something he said to make me feel special :( I feel suspicious of his motives and it is ruining it for me, although his behaviour hasn't actually changed towards me.

I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just wanted to get it out. Does anyone have any experience of anything like this?

OP posts:

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 15/09/2015 18:24

In Islam a man can marry a Christian, Jewish or Muslim woman.

urbinosparrot · 15/09/2015 18:25

^^ what wannaBe said. I think this man's story sounds completely plausible, and he is being honest with you in making it clear that he will be returning home. He isn't promising you anything, he's just enjoying living his first proper sexual relationship. He possibly loves and respects you, who knows? But he is aware that your relationship has no long-term future because of the weight of his cultural background, family expectations and family responsibilities. These should not be under-estimated, and if he were to go against them for you, it would no doubt severely impact your relationship as he would have to face disappointment and recriminations from his family. At the moment, for the first (and probably only) time in his life he is free from social pressure and living "out of time" the kind of relationship that is impossible where he comes from.

I'm afraid you are likely to get very hurt if you continue with him, if you have strong feelings for him.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 15/09/2015 18:26

(Though I'm aware his family might not allow it)

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:27

Slowly, I asked him about that. he said normally he would be able to marry a Christian woman but as I am not a virgin I would need to convert as I have 'strayed too far from the right path'. I have no idea if this is true or not or just his own personal beliefs.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 18:27

OP - he mostly just sounds like a horrible person. Get rid!

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 18:28

also - "true vs personal beliefs" - if he's choosing to follow a religion and choosing these interpretations, do you really have any interest in him or have you gone all hormonal on account of the sex?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/09/2015 18:29

I think you're overthinking the virginity bit. Probably just means back at home it was easy to be a virgin, lots of his peers would have been, also sex wouldn't have been on the cards with girlfriends. Then he comes here, sex becomes an actual tangible possibility, he meets a woman he fancies the pants off, starts wondering what would be so bad about having sex anyway and follows his feelings. Seems plausible.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:30

urbino, yes you are right. he says there are so many difficulties at home, personal and political, that he is enjoying living here as he feels peaceful. However he seems to carry a massive responsibility for his family's wellbeing. I agree that I think eventually that will be the decider.

OP posts:

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:32

I am definitely feeling hormonal. We are still in that crazy lust-filled stage. I don't think he is a horrible person. however, just different views to sex

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 15/09/2015 18:35

Oh Christ, really (re the "could marry a virgin but not you" point)?

No wonder you feel shit.

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 18:35

Luke " he said normally he would be able to marry a Christian woman but as I am not a virgin I would need to convert as I have 'strayed too far from the right path'."

read that carefully. Do you still like him?

I think I might need to stop watching this thread.....

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:39

Don't go. I value your input.

To be honest I didn't take it too personally, I don't feel like I've strayed! I think he believes this for both men and women, not just women. He said the same applied to him now too.

OP posts:

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:40

I didn't feel like he was being manipulative when he said it, but maybe I am being naive

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 18:41

why doesn't he have to convert if he has strayed?

you are sweet to say "don't go" but I'm off out now anyway...I haven't flounced

OneBreathAfterAnother · 15/09/2015 18:43

Erm... Did he say he didn't like condoms after you'd used them? Because saying they dull the sensation suggests some experience, there are different types.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:45

After using one he said he found it easier not to come too quickly

OP posts:

TheWatchersCouncil · 15/09/2015 18:56

27 is pretty old to not be married in that culture.

OhYeahMama · 15/09/2015 19:08

I'd be totally put off my his double standards. He's happy to have unprotected sex with you but will only marry a muslim virgin. You have strayed from the path but he was quite happy to enjoy that straying from the path. What a hypocrite. I'd walk away, quickly, before you invest any more emotion and self worth in this relationship.

urbinosparrot · 15/09/2015 19:14

I think the boundaries between religion and culture become very blurred, in fact religion influences culture so much that people have an enormous need to conform and be seen as doing "the right thing". It is very difficult to go against this.

Your boyfriend's views on "straying from the right path" are deeply engrained in him from childhood, they are part of who he is. He too is straying, but possibly is allowing himself this pleasant parenthesis in his life, before "atoning" for it when he returns home to live the conservative life expected of him.

I would be uncomfortable with his views that you would have to convert because you're not a virgin. Even if you did, and married him, the fact that you were sexually experienced when he met you would probably end up bothering him. I know two Muslim women (not converts) whose marriages eventually broke up, and who for years had their lack of virginity flung in their faces every time there was a row about any subject whatsoever.

You sound nice, OP, don't set yourself up for hurt and heartbreak. Sometimes cultural differences are too strong to overcome.

FWIW I am married to a Muslim and have never converted. No pressure has ever been put on me to do so, even though I live in DH's country.

Cabrinha · 15/09/2015 19:19

I don't know if he's a virgin but I do know that he's a wanker.

Stay a virgin for religious reasons - fine.
Give in to temptation - meh.
Not accept a Muslim woman might give in to the exact same temptation - fucking arsehole.

I wouldn't be able to look at a man with that attitude, let alone sleep with them!!!

Seriously - why not go find yourself a man who RESPECTS women?

Religion and passports and virginity don't even come into it.

What a nasty little creep he is.

Twinklestein · 15/09/2015 20:01

he said normally he would be able to marry a Christian woman but as I am not a virgin I would need to convert as I have 'strayed too far from the right path'.

Oh ffs. I don't know any Muslim who would come out with that kind of nonsense - and I know plenty - Arab, Turkish, Indian/Pakistani - but they're all moderate, intelligent & well-educated.

That kind of mindset is much more a cultural issue than a religious one.
You've got yourself a conservative Muslim with some slightly backward opinions about women, and that's more about his family, his upbringing, his outlook than it is about Islam.

It's never going to work, and it's clearly making you feel quite shit now.

VirtuosoRidiculoso · 15/09/2015 21:18

There are millions of different cultures around the world. It can be difficult to understand them or empathise but it doesn't mean they're "wrong" as we can't judge other cultures.

As mentioned before, some men, especially from Eastern cultures, will prioritise family and tradition above all else. Their mentality will mean they won't think "what do I want/love" but "what should I do" or "what is expected of me?". The conflict between the two sides can lead to self-chastisement such as regretting having Sex when it is frowned upon. An individual told that sex before marriage is wrong will obviously feel guilty, it's nothing to do with losing respect for the person they slept with.

Other cultures can be hard to get your head round. It may be better, rather than second guessing his intentions (& from what I read they're not malicious or dodgy at all) you should decide what you are happy with and what your boundaries are and just live your life based on that. You seem very vulnerable and out of your depth.

You haven't done Anything wrong.
He isn't trying to infect you.
He isn't "after your passport".
He's not lying about dual nationality.
Malicious speculation about him appears to be based on racist stereotypes from what I can see.
He Does have a different world view to you. That won't change at all, it's just how he was brought up.
It really doesn't sound like he's using you. That would imply that he had no feelings for you and it sounds like he does.
Looks lke you'll have to ride this one out to the bitter end as I can't see it ending particularly happily.
He has been up front about his situation and I think you've now interrogated him enough and just need to decide whether you want to continue or not.
Don't feel bad though. If he makes you feel bad just exit the relationship.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 21:40

virtuoso thanks for your comments.

I agree that I think this is coming from me and for some reason seeing someone from a different culture is triggering a strong anxiety reaction and I feel threatened. I don't really understand why. I do think he's done his best to explain to me his views (there is a bit of a language barrier) and I have tried to listen without judging. I haven't interrogated him, we have just chatted about how things are in his culture and how things are mine. I don't feel he judges me either, even if it sounds like he was from that 'strayed too far from the path' comment. In my more rational moments I do think he likes me as a person, not just for sex, but then I get all anxious about that too. it's so confusing. I really want to stress he has never said anything i have felt to be misleading or dishonest.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 15/09/2015 21:47

I don't think any relationship is worth this amount of stress. If you feel threatened, confused and anxious, then end it. It's not working for you.

Finallyonboard · 15/09/2015 21:48

Why would you want to be with someone who is judging you for having sex - WITH THEM!

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