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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex/Relationship with a Muslim Man

86 replies

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 13:46

Hi all. I can't post this in Sex as I deregged and rejoined after the hacking fiasco last month.

So, about a month or so ago I met a 27 year old Muslim man from Jerusalem. He is working over here for 1 year with an international US company. He has been over since about May. We met at a social event (which attracts mostly single people I guess) and swapped phone numbers. We began texting a LOT in that crazy addicted way. He went back to Jerusalem for a couple of weeks during which the texting continued and we met up on his return. Since then we have spent a lot of time together. He is very nice, kind, affectionate etc. We have discussed a lot of deeper personal issues and I feel there is an emotional connection. He has also expressed that he feels this.

So, when we were texting he told me he was a virgin, however he has now had sex with me. I can't get my head around this. It seems so strange to me to wait this long before having sex, which would to me imply it is important to him within his culture/religion, and then to just get on with it with someone you have known properly for only a few weeks. The way he talks about his family/culture/religion sounds very traditional and I can't work out why having sex has suddenly become acceptable to him.

I know there is a stereotype of Muslim men coming over here and having sex with western women because it is easier/more acceptable in our culture. It makes me feel pretty rubbish to think this is what's happening and I have begun to feel very insecure and paranoid. Part of me is wondering if he even was a virgin or not, or if it could be something he said to make me feel special :( I feel suspicious of his motives and it is ruining it for me, although his behaviour hasn't actually changed towards me.

I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just wanted to get it out. Does anyone have any experience of anything like this?

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 15/09/2015 17:12

It's really hard now to get a UK passport.

OP are you looking for a relationship which will go on to marriage/be a long term partnership? If so I don't think this man is offering it to you.

TendonQueen · 15/09/2015 17:16

If he had a relationship in 2012 where he didn't have sex, but has now had sex with you, that suggests strongly to me that he doesn't see you as someone he will be settling down with. It may still be an appealing short-term relationship, but I don't think he realistically sees it being anything else.

Twinklestein · 15/09/2015 17:17

I really don't think this is a passport issue. There's nothing wrong with an Israeli passport, and Palestinian with an Israeli passport is in a good position.

Your description of the first attempts at sex sound potentially authentically first time.

So why is he having sex now? Well because he can. He's abroad, no-one back home will know, so why not?

A male friend of mine didn't have sex until he was 23, (he's English, just a late starter). His first time was with a woman he met in a club.
You could say, why not wait for something more 'special', but the opportunity presented itself, he wanted to have sex with her, so he did. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. I'd agree 27 is a longer, more significant time to wait, but in this case there are cultural issues that explain it.

I think you're right to be wary, though, in that from everything you've said it doesn't sound likely that he'd marry or have a serious ltr outside his culture or his country. In your position, I would only see this as a short term thing. If you think you might develop serious feelings for him, then it might be wise to back off.

Btw one of my oldest friends is a Shi-ite Muslim - she does Ramadan etc, but she had sex at 15.

Twinklestein · 15/09/2015 17:25

The Israeli Palestinian passport thing isn't odd - there are Arab Israelis - 20% or so, and there are Jewish Arabs (Sephardi/Mizrahi/Maghrebi)...

The ME didn't divide down neat lines on the creation of Israel, that's why there's so much conflict.

beaucoupdemojo · 15/09/2015 17:26

Agree thatbit is hard to get a UK passport. Being married is not enough - you have to prove the relationship is genuine.

I think I would ask him if he was thinking about a future with me and go from there. Regardless of whether you want to get married, in your shoes I would not want to continue a relationship with someone who wasnt going to tell his family about us and be fully open.

As a separate issue I would also have reservations about being involved long term with someone whose religious beliefs were very different to mine. Not such an issue if you have no kids but it becomes really important if you do. He has already told you that his beliefs and family are very important to him and I think that even people who are lax about their religion tend to feel it more strongly when they are raising dc.

Stuff to think about if you want this long term.

johnImonlydancing · 15/09/2015 17:28

I am not Muslim but am from a Muslim background. I think the important thing is that, for a number of reasons, you feel really uncomfortable since having sex with him. Sex has obviously changed things for YOU, rather than for him. Since you feel uncomfortable now with the situation, then I think you should stop the relationship. As you say, he hasn't lied to you or tried to manipulate you. he probably wants a pleasant, affectionate, medium-term relationship. he probably thinks this is what you want too. It doesn't really matter if he really was a virgin or not (I am assuming safe sex was practiced). what matters is that having sex has changed the relationship for you, and you now feel unhappy with it - that sounds like a good reason to end the relationship, doesn't it? If you aren't happy and comfortable, I mean?
I don't think anything you do will change his attitude to you, or to sex. You can only control your own behaviour, not his. Nothing you say makes me think he wants to marry you now or that he wanted to marry you before you had sex (sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear).
I don't think you mean nothing to him. I think you don't mean marriage to him, or long-term to him. Doesn't mean he doesn't like and respect you. The problem here, as far as I can see, appears to be that you are falling in love and he isn't.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 17:31

I feel really torn over this.

I really can't imagine that I will end up with this man when I think about it logically. I don't want to convert to being a Muslim as I'm not especially religious anyway, I don't want to live in Jerusalem and I don't especially want all the complications that this feels like it will have. And yes I would like a relationship which has potential.

However I'm just only a few months out of another relationship so I wouldn't having minded just having something more casual for a little while.

Now I'm wondering if I am capable of doing casual as I feel very vulnerable in this at the moment. I think my main worry is that I will end up feeling used by him.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 17:33

tbh, given you're not currently living in the UK it doesn't sound like a passport issue to me. It's a lot harder to get residency in the UK if you're living outside, even if you marry a British national, so I wouldn't be concerned about that.

It sounds to me actually as if he is being quite honest with you about where you both stand, that this relationship has no future and is essentially a bit of (albeit intense) fun for now. He may have had sex before, he may not. The only reason why I might be concerned he was lying about that might be if he used being a virgin to not use protection.

But it sounds to me as if you're developing actual feelings for him, something which is understandable, however he has been honest about where you stand, about the fact that marriage and a future doesn't seem to be on the cards, and the fact that he will go back to his home country within the next year. I understand that you don't want to feel that he is just having sex with you because he can, but tbh that is essentially what a casual relationship adds up to. If you want sex to mean something, then I would say that a casual relationship which you know is going nowhere isn't for you.

That's not a criticism fwiw. I couldn't have sex with someone who I didn't think had an emotional attachment to me, and a sexual relationship which I knew was likely to end soon wouldn't be for me. But it's a personal thing, and what works for one doesn't for another and so on.

It sounds to me as if you're going to get hurt in the future because what started as a bit of fun has developed into something more on your part. I would either have a chat with him and both be honest about your feelings and see whether, given the cultural differences etc there would ever be any chance of a future, or call it quits now before you get in too deep. similarly if there is no chance of a future I would walk away now.

It doesn't sound as if either of you have done anything wrong tbh, just that feelings can sometimes run high and get hurt in the process.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 17:39

Wannabe, we didn't use protection the first time (he withdrew). Oh shit. I only just had a test as well, which was all clear. Do you really think he might be trying to deliberately pass an infection on to me?

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 15/09/2015 17:41

However I'm just only a few months out of another relationship so I wouldn't having minded just having something more casual for a little while. Now I'm wondering if I am capable of doing casual as I feel very vulnerable in this at the moment

I think this is completely valid, and a separate issue to the sex/cultural one.

It's quite common to come out of a relationship and want to have a bit of fun to boost your confidence, but actually, post break-up, one feels quite vulnerable, and it could end up as a painful rebound fling.

Perhaps you're not ready to be dating someone, and perhaps seeing someone with whom you have no future doesn't work for you.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 15/09/2015 17:42

Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds to me like you aren't quite ready for a relationship at the moment. Maybe you should take some time out for a while, get your head straight.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 15/09/2015 17:44

( BTW I'm surprised he was able to control himself enough to withdraw if he was a virgin)

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 17:44

He was going VERY slowly. But I get your point.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 15/09/2015 17:46

no, I don't think he might be deliberately trying to pass on an infection, :) but a lot of men don't like using protection because they say it dulls the sensation or something, so my thought process was more along the lines of that if he wasn't a virgin, he may not like using condoms and as such may say he is so that wouldn't be perceived as necessary. iyswim?

But that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't a virgin. If, as you say, sex got off to a hit-and-miss start with him finishing quickly he may well be inexperienced and be telling the truth.

tbh I wouldn't know because have only been with partners who were as or more experienced than me.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 17:52

I was quite surprised he wanted to try without protection, as I kind of thought if you had never had sex before, you might be pretty concerned about getting someone pregnant. He hasn't said he doesn't like condoms, the only thing he has said is it dulls the sensation a bit which makes it easier. Sex is very tentative, but I dunno.

I know that's not really the point. I do think both you and John make really valid points about my feelings having changed since we've had sex and this is the main issue now.

Yeah, I am probably not ready for all this. All this worrying is not enjoyable. And I don't like the feeling that I could be rejected on the basis of being intimate with someone (and therefore opening up and letting them in emotionally). That feels really crap.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 17:53

OP, sorry, I can't comment on anything passport related

but as I was reading it did occur to me that claiming to be a virgin could be used as a way to avoid being asked to get tested before sex.

I would also say if you think you can't do casual, don't try.

Regardless, none of this is sounding like a good situation, sorry.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 17:56

BTW I don't think he wanted to marry me before either!

I guess it's not a nice feeling to think that I will be ruled out though on the basis of having sex. Which by it's very nature is an intimate and loving act (to me).

OP posts:

CrumbledFeta · 15/09/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstweefromtweesville · 15/09/2015 18:03

You were available for casual sex, as is usual in Western culture ("Their parents bring them up to do it!"), and he did what he had to do to get it.

You are feeling used - but he's only done what many non-Muslim men do all the time - pick up a woman for sex, not for keeps.

Do get tested again. There are some weird people who want to pass on infections but most men who try to dodge out of using condoms are probably only thinking of their personal pleasure. Even if he means well he can still pass on disease. Insist on protection in future.

Don't worry about his soul. If he truly repents, he will be forgiven and can marry a believer.

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 18:12

MrsTwee "Don't worry about his soul. If he truly repents, he will be forgiven and can marry a believer."

I'm looking at this on a tiny screen but didn't realise the OP was worried about his soul....

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:17

To be fair though, I don't want to change my life too much in order to keep him, so I can't blame him for sticking to his culture/beliefs

I'm not worried about his soul. I know he can still marry a virgin if he repents and means it.

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 15/09/2015 18:17

I can't get my head around this. It seems so strange to me to wait this long before having sex, which would to me imply it is important to him within his culture/religion, and then to just get on with it with someone you have known properly for only a few weeks

that's his soul...

mrstweefromtweesville · 15/09/2015 18:18

Its not important if his wife is a virgin or not, as long as she is a believer, ideally similar in commitment to faith as himself.

Original poster

LukeSkyWankFest · 15/09/2015 18:21

Actually he did say I would have to convert eventually for us to stay together, and that he thought this would become a bigger issue the longer we see each other.

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 15/09/2015 18:24

"( BTW I'm surprised he was able to control himself enough to withdraw if he was a virgin)"

I wouldn't read anything into this, TBH.

OP you aren't being ruled out because you had sex but because you are from a different country, culture and religion.

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