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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life changing decision **affair

66 replies

PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 18:59

Hi All,

I have taken this decision to seek some neutral advice on a topic which is both heart breaking and extremely difficult to deal with.

I am a 40 year old guy.My best friend has been married for 4 years and has 2 boys (3 & 5). For the past year he has been having an affair with a 29 year old girl who he met randomly in a bar. They have been seeing each other for just over 1 year and he promised her he will end his marriage and move in with her. The problem is this, my friend doesn't have the balls to move on. The marriage was always an iffy one so to speak due to the fact that their first born is the result of a one night stand. They have both genuinely tried however it is clear to everyone that this relationship doomed. His wife seems reluctant to end their marriage, she doesnt know about the other woman. I am 100% sure that this girl who he is having a relationship has genuine feelings for him and I believe the feeling is mutual however he cannot make that final move to end his marriage. Part of me understands why however I am now at the point where this situation is completely unfair on all parties especially his wife who deserves the chance to be with someone who loves her, which clearly isn't my friend.

QUESTION - Should I tell her anonymously ? It will break her heart but at least she'll be able to make an informed decision about her life. It will also rip the plaster off regarding my spineless friend. I would appreciate constructive advice on this difficult matter.

Paul

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 14/09/2015 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aftereight · 14/09/2015 19:09

How about suggesting to your friend that he grows a pair and does the decent thing? Does he know how you feel about his behaviour?

EngTech · 14/09/2015 19:09

Stay well clear as it might "bite you"

Seen it happening too many times and was well intentioned but the fall out was horrendous and the person who "told" ended up persona non grata with their work colleagues and impacted on their social life

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 19:12

Thanks girls. Yes he know's how I feel. I have suggested that he grow's a pair too many times. Everyone within our circle know's bar his wife.

OP posts:
BottleBeach · 14/09/2015 19:16

That's horrible that everyone knows Paul. How disrespectful of your friend. I agree that it would not be a good idea for you to tell her, but if it were me I would struggle to stay friends with him.

Please don't call us girls.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 19:17

Thanks and sorry, ladies.

OP posts:
antimatter · 14/09/2015 19:21

if everyone knows but the wife is cruel not to tell her!

I was cheated on. I would trust my friends to tell me about it if they knew anything!

Cat2014 · 14/09/2015 19:23

I wouldnt tell her but I'd tell your friend to do the decent thing.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 19:29

Your friend is an arsehole.
Bullshit about it being doomed because child one was a ONS conception. That doesn't explain the marriage or child two, does it?
Perhaps the wife is reluctant to end it, because unlike your friend she meant her marriage vows?

Your friend is also an arsehole as he's stringing the second woman along too.

On the strength that he has twice over priced himself an arsehole I'd lose no sleep over losing that friendship (really, you want this man as a friend?) and tell his wife.

brokenhearted55a · 14/09/2015 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 19:40

^ that

if you can't bring yourself to tell her, how can you bear to be near him?

Kez100 · 14/09/2015 19:44

I was in a similar situation once - their marriage had an unusual start too. I said nothing until I heard someone else question some strange goings on and they had drawn the conclusion there was an affair going on and asked me if I knew anything. I said nothing to inflame the rumour. However, I told my friend everything. Advised he made a choice while it was his choice to make.

He took a week out.

He left his wife. 15 years on he is now happily married to the person who was his mistress.

Duckdeamon · 14/09/2015 19:47

Girls and ladies Hmm

If he sees no future in his marriage but gives a shit about his DC and has any remaining respect for his wife your friend needs to think about ending the relationship respectfully and working towards suitable arrangements for the good of the DC and fair as possible to his wife and himself.

A long term affair and leaving DW for an OW is hardly going to help with this.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 22:12

Thank you for the feedback and opinions. I agree my friend is a complete arsehole however this isn't about our relationship its about his marital and extra martial position. I have had harsh words several times. I will not end 'our' relationship over this as he has supported me an untold amount of times with several difficult position. I have two choices, sit back and stay out of it or send an anonymous letter stating the facts to her. This will give her the true heads up and also provide him with the 'balls' he doesn't have. This isn't an ideal situation but will bring things to a head after 1 year seems like a reasonable outcome. Its a no win situ for everyone.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 14/09/2015 23:29

That doesn't sound sensible.

Duckdeamon · 14/09/2015 23:32

If you wish to stay friends with him despite this you could adjust your boundaries, eg he can't discuss his situation with you any more. If he decides he no longer wants to be friends with you as a result then that'd be his decision.

brokenhearted55a · 14/09/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 14/09/2015 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 15/09/2015 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Artioo · 15/09/2015 00:11

If it was me I would hate to find out by anonymous letter. It would be humiliating and I would be always questioning who sent it and why, looking at everyone I knew with new eyes and wondering if they were in on it. It would taint relationships with everyone. It would be a cruel thing to do, even if the intention is good.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/09/2015 01:01

This "life changing decision" is not yours to make and you are best advised to stay out of it and let your friend, his dw, and the ow alone.

As Artioo has said, it would be extremely cruel to send an anonymous letter to your friend's dw and more so to do it out of cowardice because, in common with your best friend, you don't have the balls to tell her face to face.

It's a crying shame that the dw will be the last to know, but she will inevitably discover the truth without your assistance.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2015 01:16

I may be swimming against the tide, but I'd tell my friend that he had 48 hours to tell his wife, or I would do it for him.

And despite what this friend may have done for me in the past, I would not be friends with him in the future.

RedNailPolish101 · 15/09/2015 01:28

You have a number of options, none of which will bode well for you

My take on it is that it all started with that ONS that resulted in a little person. They made a good go of it, sure lots have and that explains little person number 2. Have they both been trying and not really making it work... Did they both like or even think they loved each other at one point Maybe. I was in a relationship for 15 years and at first it was great five years in it was "trying" and I wish I had known at year 5 only one of us wasn't having regular sex, and what comes with that - true love. I wasted ten years of no intimacy and that's not a good place for anyone to be in.

If he is in love with another woman or even just like, it's not fair on lady number one she deserves better and as much as I will be yelled at for this I think it will be really bloody difficult for everyone but it will get better and two parents who love their children, can talk and agree childcare is split will be happier people and give a better foundation to their children

Your options... Four that I can think off but you have to do what you think is right and honestly I think you know what it is.

GelfBride · 15/09/2015 01:39

I would shut up about it for a bit before you send any anonymous letters or dickwad will know it was you. He will probably guess anyway. If you do send one, put masses of detail in it so it is irrefutable. Undetailed and it will be dismissed as a malicious act by someone and there will be no change. I wouldn't bother though and I would detach from him.

BerylStreep · 15/09/2015 01:47

Why not tell her face to face?