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Original poster

Life changing decision **affair

66 replies

PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 18:59

Hi All,

I have taken this decision to seek some neutral advice on a topic which is both heart breaking and extremely difficult to deal with.

I am a 40 year old guy.My best friend has been married for 4 years and has 2 boys (3 & 5). For the past year he has been having an affair with a 29 year old girl who he met randomly in a bar. They have been seeing each other for just over 1 year and he promised her he will end his marriage and move in with her. The problem is this, my friend doesn't have the balls to move on. The marriage was always an iffy one so to speak due to the fact that their first born is the result of a one night stand. They have both genuinely tried however it is clear to everyone that this relationship doomed. His wife seems reluctant to end their marriage, she doesnt know about the other woman. I am 100% sure that this girl who he is having a relationship has genuine feelings for him and I believe the feeling is mutual however he cannot make that final move to end his marriage. Part of me understands why however I am now at the point where this situation is completely unfair on all parties especially his wife who deserves the chance to be with someone who loves her, which clearly isn't my friend.

QUESTION - Should I tell her anonymously ? It will break her heart but at least she'll be able to make an informed decision about her life. It will also rip the plaster off regarding my spineless friend. I would appreciate constructive advice on this difficult matter.

Paul

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 15/09/2015 01:53

Tell her. She deserves to know about him and she deserves to know that her joint social circle knows too. What a bunch of spineless weasels you all must be.
How would you feel if it was your wife/girlfriend that was being unfaithful and all your friends knew but weren't saying anything?
It is not OK to allow this to continue and you know it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/09/2015 02:09

I think the best idea is to give him a deadline for telling his wife / ending the marriage, otherwise you will have to take steps. Make whatever threat you need to make to make it credible. Hopefully he will do the honourable thing - or at least as honourable as can be given the dishonour of the situation.

DrMorbius · 15/09/2015 08:03

Op - What does your friend intend to do? Does he want to end his marriage or is this just a fling?

Based on Everyone within our circle know's bar his wife he may be trying to use someone else as a proxy to end his marriage because he doesn't have the guts to do it himself. Have you directly asked him if he wants you tell his DW.

Its easy to say tell her, but without his "permission" would you really tell her??

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 12:14

Please tell her.
She is currently being 'made a fool of'
Everyone knows except her.
When I was cheated on I found out some people knew what was going on but didn't tell me.
I was livid. I would much rather have been in the know.

Write that letter and give her the chance the make the decision based on the facts you have.
It's sooooo not fair to keep her in the dark.
Many people say to keep out of it.

Reverse that! Would you want to be told? of course you would and someone has to - so it might as well be you.

And I call myself and my friends 'girls' and we are 40+
Don't take offence, no man can possibly refer to all of us with something we are all happy with.

Duckdeamon · 15/09/2015 12:20

If you've decided to tell her it'd be kinder to her and more honest to do so directly and take the consequences in your friendship with the bloke. The only advantages of an anonymous note would be for you.

IamlovedbyG · 15/09/2015 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 15/09/2015 14:05

With respect Goddessofsmallthings I'm not going to be judged by you or anyone else as a coward. My friendship spans 30 years and I have known his wife 5 years. I don't actually have much of a relationship with her if i'm being direct. The point here is should I accelerate the knowledge to end this quickly or let this go on an on and on and on. The majority of contributors here have advised me to keep my distance and by default indirectly support the affair. Does it really matter how she finds out or does the end justify the means. To be clear my friend is a complete c**k for doing this to his wife and family and yes I have lost respect for him however I will not ened our relationship based on this. Even if you don't agree with me I am grateful for your input, thank you.

OP posts:
Salene · 15/09/2015 14:09

Paul as hard as it is to stand back and see this going on in your friends personally I think you should stay out of it.

It's there mess let the deal with it, it will only come back to bite you on the arse.

Salene · 15/09/2015 14:09

Friends life

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2015 15:35

But by seeing a moral wrong and doing nothing, by allowing a fellow human being to make a fool of and endanger the health of another human being you are being a coward. A moral coward. No doubt you'd run into a burning house to save this same woman, but that's only one kind of courage, the easiest kind to show. It's much harder to show moral courage because so often it means taking a stand you don't want to take but know you should take.

Think about this, if the positions were reversed and you had irrefutable proof, would you tell this friend that his wife was cheating on him? I'll bet you would in a hot minute. If your wife's BFF knew she was cheating on you, wouldn't you want her to tell you? Wouldn't you feel that that was the moral imperative?

So fine, don't tell her. Right now, he'd have the option to tell her the marriage is over without telling her about the OW, leaving her some dignity, thinking only that the marriage, which had a shaky foundation to start with, just didn't work out. But when she finds out, and she will, remember that you could have prevented some of her pain by telling her as kindly as you knew how or by forcing her husband to end it with dignity. And also remember, the longer the deception goes on, the more devastated she will be.

DrMorbius · 15/09/2015 16:14

Paul - I asked earlier but you didn't answer. What does your friend want out of the affair? If it's fun, leave things alone. If it's a "out", then help in.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 15/09/2015 17:12

Hi DrM - He's been seeing this lady for 13 months now. He has told me he loves her but unfortunately hasn't got the balls to finish it with his wife. Thats the long and short of it.

OP posts:
unadulterateddad · 15/09/2015 17:28

Personally I would give him a week to tell her or I would tell her face to face, I won't support or be implicit in cheating. If it we me in her position I would want the person to tell me and sod the consequences. It sounds like it's going to be a humiliating thing for her to find out everyone else knew and no-one told her.

viridus · 15/09/2015 17:29

This proves my theory that people who have affairs are cowards. It is very likely that he will lose both women. If he cannot control his own life, circumstances and/or other people will decide for him.

Without your intervention, the present circumstances won't continue.
I think for the time being you should do nothing, apart from warning him about the further trouble he will find himself in.

Cabrinha · 15/09/2015 19:03

He doesn't love her. If he loved her, he wouldn't put her through this shit. He's an arsehole. Still, if that's what you want in a mate Hmm
Stay friends with him if you will, continue to stand back whilst his wife is treated like shit. But at least don't be swallowing any bullshit about love. He's a selfish arsehole, is all.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/09/2015 20:10

I think, as his friend, and not his wife's, that your place here is to do what you've done - make your position clear, refuse to have anything to do with the affair relationship, including talking about it, and then stay out of it.

It's not your place to blow your friends life up in his face, even if he is being a cunt (and he is).

Please don't write an anonymous letter, that really would be a cowardly way to insert yourself into someone's life.

If you're going to tell her, at least put your name to it.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 15/09/2015 22:25

Hi All,

I've had a conversation with two neutral friends who know of my buddy but don't know his wife or GF. I've decided to leave it and not contact her either directly or indirectly. I will refuse to engage with my friend is he brings this relationship up. Not an ideal scenario for anyone.

Thanks

Paul

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 16/09/2015 08:53

Fair enough. The only other thing I would suggest is that if he does raise the affair with you, you tell him that you strongly disapprove of what he is doing and that you won't be discussing it with him further.

Dottymad · 16/09/2015 20:04

I hope you don't mind me adding but I was once that wife that didn't know and was told. I'm very glad I was told. It was incredibly hard at first but looking back it forced us all to move on. I'm actually now much happier. It gave me the opportunity to meet someone else. My ex was able to be properly happy. Our dc have had happier lives now that we are and the sooner that happens the better.

I also now have a friend in a very similar position and for all 3 involved it would be much better if they could follow their true paths.

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 17/09/2015 15:16

Hi Dottymad - thank you for this. I guess the end justifies the means. Do you mind asking how you found out ? Was it directly or via a third party/or anonymously ?

OP posts:
ShortandSweeter · 17/09/2015 16:20

....you are totally after the wife! Leave it. It's not your business.

Dottymad · 17/09/2015 18:08

Every situation is individual and I do understand why people are telling you to stay out of it. I'm just saying from my situation.

I found out as my ex / ow / myself and the colleague who told me all worked in the same industry. I suspected anyway and I knew that our marriage was dying, he'd crossed a line of no return and not knowing would have just kept an already damaged marriage that he'd checked out of going for even longer than necessary. It was very very hard coming to terms with it though but I had to face the facts about my marriage at some point.

Dottymad · 17/09/2015 18:09

I think it does really depend on the people involved.

OrangeRunner · 17/09/2015 18:13

It's not your business to intervene. If you feel awkward tell your friend you can no longer take part in the deception. The decision rests with your friend and his girlfriend. She has allowed this to happen as much as him and us not a victim. On some level his wife probably already knows anyway.

Dottymad · 17/09/2015 21:15

I know this isn't directly related but I have read on MN quite a few times that it is inevitable that a cheating man's wife will eventually find out. I've often wondered whether this really is the case though that it is inevitable? I really would have hated to have never found out.

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