Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life changing decision **affair

66 replies

PaulSurfs · 14/09/2015 18:59

Hi All,

I have taken this decision to seek some neutral advice on a topic which is both heart breaking and extremely difficult to deal with.

I am a 40 year old guy.My best friend has been married for 4 years and has 2 boys (3 & 5). For the past year he has been having an affair with a 29 year old girl who he met randomly in a bar. They have been seeing each other for just over 1 year and he promised her he will end his marriage and move in with her. The problem is this, my friend doesn't have the balls to move on. The marriage was always an iffy one so to speak due to the fact that their first born is the result of a one night stand. They have both genuinely tried however it is clear to everyone that this relationship doomed. His wife seems reluctant to end their marriage, she doesnt know about the other woman. I am 100% sure that this girl who he is having a relationship has genuine feelings for him and I believe the feeling is mutual however he cannot make that final move to end his marriage. Part of me understands why however I am now at the point where this situation is completely unfair on all parties especially his wife who deserves the chance to be with someone who loves her, which clearly isn't my friend.

QUESTION - Should I tell her anonymously ? It will break her heart but at least she'll be able to make an informed decision about her life. It will also rip the plaster off regarding my spineless friend. I would appreciate constructive advice on this difficult matter.

Paul

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulSurfs · 04/10/2015 19:50

I am completely disappointed, I have taken some time to reread the advice which I generally appreciate on this forum. I am guessing there are a lot of keyboard warriors who have difficulties but prefer to not to act on their own issues but accelerate their opinions on others. i have had a mail from a lady who had completely endorsed my stance (some idiot said I was a coward). She mentioned that her husband had been acting the same way as my friend for nearly 3 years and that she found out anonymously. It changed her life but it also gave her control. Instead of loosing the head, it gave her the ability to organise the future. Two weeks later she left him. My point is that the advice given such as "stay out of it" "You're a coward" is really horseshit. I expected the advice given to be driven by true perception of the scenario and not their/you're personal shit. In future my advice is,unless it's truly constructive, keep it to yourself. I have just sent an anonymous email to the wife of a friend to tell her he's been having an affair for 12 months with a girl 14 years her junior. Am I a coward ? Who know's ? Is she now more powerful than she was 15 minutes ago. Yes. I hope she uses this email to move on with her life.

OP posts:
tableanadchairs · 04/10/2015 20:08

respect Paulsurfs. you did the right thing

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 04/10/2015 20:15

Well done, Paulsurfs. As one who was cheated on, I can tell you you did the right thing. Knowledge is power for the one being betrayed. What she does with the information now, is for her to decide. You've done the right thing.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 04/10/2015 20:18

I think she deserves to know, but if you feel this strongly about it, I agree with others that it's difficult to see how you can be friends with this guy. No judgement, I haven't walked in your shoes, I'm just not sure I could be friends with someone knowing I was the one who informed on him.

Regardless of that, I think sending the email was the right thing to do.

marzipan123 · 05/10/2015 02:50

I am in exactly the same position. A female friend, not a close friend, of mine is having an affair, has been for eighteen months. She is having an affair with a married man she works with. He has three children. She has none. Her husband is the loveliest of men, although he left his previous wife and two small children to be with her. She is a glamorous type! Anyhow it seems what goes around comes around for this husband. He cheated on his wife and now new wife is cheating on him. He does not seem to have a clue. Every time I see him I have to bite my tongue. I have thought of the anon letter. To either him or the wife of the other guy. However, something stops me. Don't know what it is, but I can't do it. After all it is not my business. These things sort themselves out one way or another. After all it could blow over. My fear is if the wife with the three children were to discover the truth that means another three children have had their lives blown apart. I have seen enough on this board to know that the biggest losers in divorce are innocent children.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/10/2015 05:01

You're assuming she is more powerful but actually an anonymous email can throw up more questions than it answers. It could make her feel vulnerable rather than powerful because she now has to consider who in her circle has sent it; what their motivation is and whether or not the contents are true. You've placed a sliver of distrust into her relationships with everyone who knows herself and her DH.

Sending her an email from yourself would have removed at least some of those negatives.

I think she deserves to know about the affair but tbh an anonymous note is a shitty and selfish way to do it. Still, you started this thread wanting to send an anonymous email and you've done it and convinced yourself that it makes her more powerful. Hmm

magiccatlitter · 05/10/2015 07:45

You did the right thing. Never did understand why people protect cheaters but will tattle over any small unimportant thing.

Salene · 05/10/2015 08:01

Shame for her, what a git your friend is.

But if it was me I'd want to know, only problem with email being anon is he might manage to talk his way out of it and says it's all rubbish

If she believes him well nothing you can do you have tried. Karma will catch up with him, it always does

Havalina1 · 05/10/2015 08:44

Paul - I'm glad you told her. I worry though she has nobody to validate the contents. If she approached you and asked you directly, would you tell her?

Out of curiosity, why does he stay in the marriage? Is it the children? The upheaval of leaving? Does he have done feelings for his wife? Interested to hear your take on it.

Well done.

janethegirl2 · 05/10/2015 08:55

I once told a close friend that her Dh was cheating. She chose not to believe me at the time, but years later she walked out.......it had been planned most carefully.

LoveAnchor · 05/10/2015 10:38

Difficult one. I'd go with my gut feeling. I don't think there is a blanket rule.

HellKitty · 05/10/2015 10:50

I imagine he (your friend) is busy backtracking and finishing the affair now it's out.

My DP's friend had a year long affair with a younger woman, his wife suspected something so he finished the affair and told his wife it was a mild flirtation that he didn't reciprocate. Lying shit. She still doesn't know the extent and he thinks he's got away with it. His friends, including my DP, think he's an absolute arsehole.

pocketsaviour · 05/10/2015 18:50

So basically you're saying that in future, people should only give you the advice you wanted to hear?

Good luck.

belleandboo · 05/10/2015 19:20

I'm also rather relieved that you made the decision that you did. Lots of very vocal posters always automatically people to stay out of it and not 'tell' on the grounds that it could bite you and the spouse being cheated on will find out eventually. It always seems like very selfish advice because how many years could the spouse lose until they finally know the truth? Perhaps too many to make leaving a viable option.

I'm glad this poor woman has the opportunity to move on with her life. You've probably done your friend a favour too, really.

I don't think it was a cowardly move at all. You decided on an anonymous letter so you didn't involve yourself and didn't place her under an obligation to you. Very decent of you all round.

belleandboo · 05/10/2015 19:20

automatically advise people to stay out of it

Original poster
PaulSurfs · 05/10/2015 21:36

Thank you for your comments. For those who are still missing the point, ie this isn't about my relationship with my friend, it is about what is good for his wife who wakes up each morning thinking the guy beside her is amazing. I ask you to consider the point -Is it better for her to know her husband (a friend of mine, albeit a spineless fucker to boot) is cheating on her or not. Would she have ever found out ? Perhaps, perhaps not. Does she now have the power to in a very hurtful way carve herself out a new life , maybe its with my friend, who knows. I am not happy that I have informed her but its done and I feel a sense of justice. My friend is my friend and a condition I will hold with him when this doesnt become public is that if we are to remain friends, he needs to be honest with himself and whoever he ends up with. Do I have some regrets, yes of course. I appreciate the comments and advice, some I've agreed with, some not.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread