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Original poster

Opinions on this: BF and new female friend

56 replies

streetlife · 14/09/2015 15:19

I've been with my BF a couple of years, don't live together but for the past 6 months or so things have been a bit rocky; quite a lot of arguments and I feel like the lovely bloke I first met has sort of disappeared.

Recently he's been spending a lot of time with a new work colleague (she joined the company at the beginning of the summer), they share a hobby which I don't do and which can only be done if the weather's nice, so every spare sunny moment it seems that they are off to do hobby. I've asked him if he fancies her but he says they are just good mates. He has quite a lot of female friends and so this isn't that unusual.

But at the weekend she had to move a load of things from hers to her mum's, who lives about 3 hours away. BF offered to give her a lift and she accepted (she doesn't have a car and would otherwise have had to struggle on the train). But to me this seems a bit dodgy: I would only offer to do this kind of thing for a really, really good mate, and I'd only accept if they were a really, really good mate. I definitely wouldn't be offering to/ accepting from a work colleague I'd only known 3 months unless there was some other agenda. As I said before he can be a great bloke and has taken vising female friends off on days out before, but these friends have been people he's known since uni, not a colleague that I haven't met. I'm trying not to get jealous or start accusing him but it just doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 14/09/2015 15:21

Sounds like your problem. I really can't see anything wrong.

pocketsaviour · 14/09/2015 15:41

On the face of just their interactions, I would say it seemed quite innocent. Maybe you wouldn't drive 6hr round trip to help a colleague/friend, but a lot of people would, especially if they enjoy driving.

However, the fact you've been rocky for a few months, coupled with the amount of time he's been spending with her, I would be uneasy.

What are your arguments about? Are they about actual important things, or does it feel like you're just getting a bit fed up of each other?

Original poster
streetlife · 14/09/2015 15:55

pocket: the arguments are because we seem to have got ourselves into a defensive cycle just picking at things that irritate us about each other. Like I said, he can be a really kind and generous bloke but I don't feel like I see much of that anymore, and he probably thinks the same about me.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 14/09/2015 16:01

If that's the case then Street, then it sounds like it could be time to move on anyway?

Jackie0 · 14/09/2015 16:04

You haven't said anything that particularly sets off alarm bells , although you shouldn't completely disregard your gut feeling either.
It could be that the recent rocky patch is making you feel a little insecure.

Twinklestein · 14/09/2015 16:28

That's something I'd do for best friends or family.

It may be that he's lining her up if your relationship doesn't sort itself out.

loveyoutothemoon · 14/09/2015 17:14

I wouldn't be over the moon about it but he hasn't done anything suspicious so you'll have to just go with it I think.

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 17:37

You are making her sound like some sort of temptress by accepting someone's offer. I don't think she did anything wrong by accepting, she might just think it was a really kind gesture that would help her out. It's how you make friends. You aren't born being close friends with people, you make them throughout life through different scenarios.

And if you like him for being kind and generous, this is him being kind and generous in motion. If you had plans and he ditched you to help someone else move, that would be bad whether it were a new colleague, old uni friend or male friend. However it sounds more like you are bothered about him spending time with her specifically, than him not spending time with you, is that the case?

When my partner started getting pissy and jealous about other men I spent time with it was the beginning of the end.

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2015 17:40

I hate those fuckers who are kind and friendly to everyone except the person they're meant to be closest to. And I'm suspicious of men who have mainly female friends, too. So shoot me!

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 17:49

Yes if he is out and out being horrible to you, or subtly ignoring you, it's a different story. But he has "a lot of female friends", not mainly female friends, and you haven't actually said he's doing anything overtly or even subtly heinous. It sounds like the snapping at eachother predates the new work colleague?

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 17:52

I think it sounds more like it has mutually run its course and this colleague is by the by, so whether or not she's interested him and he is interested in her is meaningless.

If you think you don't benefit from his kindness and generosity, and suspect he feels he doesn't benefit from your kindness and generosity, maybe it's a dead horse that doesn't need to be flogged anymore. It doesn't necessarily mean he is a bastard.

SlaggyIsland · 14/09/2015 18:15

I'm going to go against the grain of what's been said so far and say I wouldn't like that and wouldn't be comfortable with it.
I can't imagine my DH going off and spending large quantities of leisure time with a new female friend and not including me. And I really wouldn't like it.

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 18:27

It all depends on how much time a lot of time is, I think. The OP has said "any sunny moment", if you live anywhere near me that has been about 3 days since July. If it's every weekend, you have a problem. Could you join them in the hobby? Could you join them for some food afterwards? If he is deliberately excluding you there is a problem.

It's difficult to know from the info in the OP. They don't live together, which to me suggests they aren't in eachother's pockets. If he's taken away time he would have spent with the OP to spend it with his new colleague, she might have reason to have a gut feeling. Or she could be being possessive

You should absolutelly expect your partner to treat you with respect, but it's not clear if he is disrepecting you - spending time with a new female friend isn't automatically that. I had a partner who went insane if I spent time with a man he didn't know, even though I had no intention of being unfaithful, and it was a very very horrible place to be. If it happened to me again in a relationship, I'd be straight out the door at the first sign of jealousy.

goawayalready · 14/09/2015 18:35

i wouldn't feel too comfortable with that it seems he is preferring to spend time with her and with their hobby even if it was a bloke i would be unhappy

AnyFucker · 14/09/2015 18:38

I am the most "uncool wife/girlfriend" because if my long term partner was acting like this he would be shown the door and told to fuck off with her and her hobbies/ikea wardrobes

I don't come second best to anybody

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/09/2015 18:59

I wouldn't be over the moon about it but he hasn't done anything suspicious so you'll have to just go with it I think.

What??

That's not how it works. You can dump someone for any reason - or no reason - at all.

And the reason in this instance is that he isn't being particularly kind and loving to the OP, he's prioritising someone else, and it sounds like the relationship has entirely run its course, due to them annoying each other. Time to move on, for both their sakes.

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 20:19

The thing that strikes me OP is that you seem to be pinning it as much on her as him. If anything is going on, you can put your foot down and say you don't want him to see her again. Which is fine, but if he is capable of cheating on you someone else will be along, because the colleague is nothing special. If he's straying it's because he doesn't hold your relationship in high regard, not because she tempted him away from you.

I can't work out if he is or not, but I guess you know. A few responses here think he's already committed a dumpable offence, and they may well be right. But if that line has been crossed, the work friend was just the vehicle, not the path he took. He was already on that path before they met. You don't share a home and aren't married, so if I were in your shoes I'd call it a day.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/09/2015 20:45

I just don't understand why you wouldn't call it a day.

Relationships, especially pre-marriage and kids(!) are meant to be fun-filled, in-love and in-like, loving being together, making each other laugh.

Otherwise, what's the point? Because if they're not like this pre-marriage, kids and domesticity, then you're looking down a barrel, quite frankly.

The number of people on here (not this thread, per se) who seem to think you should plod along putting up with anything that isn't outright duplicitous cheating, just because it's a relationship with A Man is incredible to me.

MissBattleaxe · 14/09/2015 20:52

I think if the weekends are the only time you both have days off and he is spending his days off with the same someone on the majority of weekends, then yes, you have grounds to be pissed off. It may be his hobby and wardrobes and lifts now, but he is doing all that instead of being with you.

I would be having a big chat about our future. Not because he has a female friend, but because his spare times goes to her and not to you.

ToGoBoldly · 14/09/2015 21:17

I agree with the last two posts. It's better to be single than to be a mug.

If he does, i don't know what, kayaking or something, and she happens to do kayaking as well so they happen to be in the same place at the same time, and he offered to help her as a friend when he wasn't planning to spend time with you, I'd think that you would need to end the relationship if you are unhappy with that, because the only way is down.

If they're engineering situations to be together, it also needs to end because he is not putting you first and that's hurtful and disrespectful. I don't think it's possible to fully trust someone once they've started disrepecting you, itnwill always be jpin the back of your mind.

Either way, the relationship was already soured before so perhaps this is just both of you checking out.

Whatifitoldyou · 15/09/2015 02:30

I'm also an uncool wife and wouldn't put up with it.

Inexperiencedchick · 15/09/2015 07:04

I wouldn't accept any help from someone who already has a partner.
It doesn't sit right with me, but everyone is different.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 15/09/2015 07:26

I actually think the helping her with moving is a red herring. You've said that he's kind & generous, & that she would have had to struggle on public transport - is it such a leap to think that could have been innocent? My DH wouldn't hesitate to offer help to a friend who genuinely needed it, male or female, & I would not suspect him.

HOWEVER - my DH & I have been together /lived together over a decade. I think what's important here is that you feel that you & your DP aren't getting on. The negative cycle of arguments is very telling, & the fact that you don't live together (unless you have specific religious or other reasons not to do so) also says a lot, IMHO.

You don't sound particularly happy in the relationship.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 15/09/2015 07:28

That said, I would also question the value of a relationship where your DP isn't interested in spending his free time with you.

Happytuesdays99 · 15/09/2015 07:37

Many people drift in relationships and end up marrying the person only to wonder why it goes wrong in the future. Take the woman aside, are you still madly in love with him? It sounds to me like the relationship is coming to an end and it needs one of you to he brave enough to make the decision.