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Original poster

Opinions on this: BF and new female friend

56 replies

streetlife · 14/09/2015 15:19

I've been with my BF a couple of years, don't live together but for the past 6 months or so things have been a bit rocky; quite a lot of arguments and I feel like the lovely bloke I first met has sort of disappeared.

Recently he's been spending a lot of time with a new work colleague (she joined the company at the beginning of the summer), they share a hobby which I don't do and which can only be done if the weather's nice, so every spare sunny moment it seems that they are off to do hobby. I've asked him if he fancies her but he says they are just good mates. He has quite a lot of female friends and so this isn't that unusual.

But at the weekend she had to move a load of things from hers to her mum's, who lives about 3 hours away. BF offered to give her a lift and she accepted (she doesn't have a car and would otherwise have had to struggle on the train). But to me this seems a bit dodgy: I would only offer to do this kind of thing for a really, really good mate, and I'd only accept if they were a really, really good mate. I definitely wouldn't be offering to/ accepting from a work colleague I'd only known 3 months unless there was some other agenda. As I said before he can be a great bloke and has taken vising female friends off on days out before, but these friends have been people he's known since uni, not a colleague that I haven't met. I'm trying not to get jealous or start accusing him but it just doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
Mermaid36 · 15/09/2015 07:47

Nearly all my DH's friends are female, he had a best woman (instead of a best man) at our wedding and sees at least one of his female friends every week, for drinks/a meal out/a walk etc...

It wouldn't bother me if he spent the day helping a female friend move house...

I'm the one he married (and I wasn't a friend beforehand), so I don't mind him spending time with other females.

hesterton · 15/09/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whitechocolatetoblerone · 15/09/2015 08:27

Another 'uncool' girlfriend over here.

Absolutely no way would I be okay with my DP spending vast amounts of time with a new female friend. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.

It's very kind of him to offer her a lift and do a 6 hour round trip for her, but if you're not seeing that kind side to him anymore and she is getting it instead....errr no! Juat no!

I'd be sitting him down and having a talk with him.

Seriouslyffs · 15/09/2015 08:30

^^
What Dowager said. Relationships pre commitment and kids should be fun, but also putting each other first. If he's not what's the point?

MultiShirker · 15/09/2015 09:51

I hate those fuckers who are kind and friendly to everyone except the person they're meant to be closest to

Yes, I had a BF like that once. When I was mugged in the street, an acquaintance of his was in hospital after playing chicken (drunk) with the traffic. He was irritated with me for being upset about being beaten up, when someone else he knew was in Intensive Care. Hmmmmm, well yes, his acquaintance was very ill, but I was his GF! (Allegedly, it was the beginning of the end).

Can you speak to him about this? Not in a defensive or needy Why not say that you'll go with him on the journey, so you can spend some time with him, and do the trip together? His colleague can sit in the back of the car.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 15/09/2015 09:55

What Anyfucker said.

I'm uncool and proud.

TheStoic · 15/09/2015 10:08

Never met a woman who regretted trusting her gut.

But met plenty who regretted not doing so.

ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 10:15

To me it sounded like the house move was last weekend. In any ca,se, I don't think it would be useful for you to try to supervise their meetings, but it may be useful for you to know if it is possible. If there is nothing going on then he'd have no qualms about you joining in but that already makes you feel defensive, accusatory and needy. If your problem is this woman specifically (i.e. you wouldn't have been bothered if it were an old friend), then it might solve things if you get to know her, and you can be a nice trio of friends.

However, that sounds an unlikely outcome to me. If you are not happy for your boyfriend to have new female friends, you need to pick a new boyfriend because this one doesn't seem to have an issue with it. That's no big deal, it's just a difference of opinion and you are on different pages with regards to how committed you are to eachother. You will have leave with your dignity intact.

If your problem is him neglecting you in favour of her and other people, then you owe yourself a chance to find someone better.

Fontella · 15/09/2015 10:20

This female friend of his is obviously single otherwise it would be her own boyfriend helping her move her stuff, not someone else's.

He's spending his hobby time and running errands time with his new girl friend, while sniping at and bickering with the OP?

I'm as uncool as they come and I'd be telling him to fuck off as well.

ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 10:24

Yes, but this the new woman on the scene is neither here nor there, they were already bickering and growing apart. It sounds like he was already having more time for other people than her (and she suggests she was doing the same), so purging this new woman will not make things ok again, it will only stall the inevitable.

There's nothing cool about someone making a fool of you, but they can be making a fool of you way before they get to the cheating stage.

ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 10:27

If you were married or something, I might suggest trying to resolve it but you haven't made that kind of commitment. You still live separately after 2 years (nothing wrong with that, but it's low commitment again and hence easy to dip in and out), so it sounds like it has just stopped being fun, and neither of you want to move it on, hence the squabbles for 6 months. It sounds like a "good while it lasted" relationship. You can move on with no beef.

BoredAdminGirl · 15/09/2015 12:26

It all comes down to trust, You don't trust him so you should leave him

Lelania · 16/09/2015 00:15

I have a lot of male friends but I always introduce them to my boyfriend and include him in the friendship. If he's excluding you I think there could be a problem.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 16/09/2015 08:34

I hear of far fewer cases of men forming an intense friendship with a male work colleague after just a couple of months, for some reason the new friend who takes up all their time is nearly always female (have seen this IRL, not just people taking the trouble to post on a forum).

I wonder why that is?

(I'm not cool either)

OneDay103 · 16/09/2015 08:47

I'm with AF and Imperial. This probably wouldn't sit right with most people in RL, but off course all the 'cool' ones on here will tell you it's your problem.
Fine that he's a helpful guy, but she's just a colleague. One that you don't even know. Something is up, I can't imagine someone would drive 6 hours on a day when he would rather be spending with his partner. Did he even ask you to come along?

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 12:43

How about forming an "intense friendship" with a 50yo mother of 3 with frizzy hair and a nice line in crimplene garb from BHS ?

No ?

CatMilkMan · 16/09/2015 18:29

And if I had an "uncool" wife that had an issue with me having female friends and helping them the relationship wouldn't last very long.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/09/2015 19:21

^^ And I'm sure if your wife was sniping at you and spending all her free time with her close male colleague and helping him out, you'd be most happy with that, as well.

CatMilkMan · 16/09/2015 19:29

I didn't see anything about sniping and OP didn't say all his free time.
If my DP had a hobby that she did with a male work colleague and she helped him with something else, I wouldn't have a problem.

brokenhearted55a · 16/09/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBattleaxe · 16/09/2015 19:40

And if I had an "uncool" wife that had an issue with me having female friends and helping them the relationship wouldn't last very long.

It's not about governing his friendships, it's about him prioritizing the new female friend over his relationship. The OP has said if it was a long standing friendship that wouldn't be such an issue.

brokenhearted55a · 16/09/2015 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 20:01

CatMilkMan...you are such a catch are you ?

CatMilkMan · 16/09/2015 20:15

Presuming you meant "aren't"
I never said I'm a catch, I think my DP is probably a better judge than you since you don't know me and I'm in a very happy relationship.
Then again you seem to be able to judge people you don't know by hearing 1 side of the story.

Colourmylife1 · 16/09/2015 20:30

I was one of the cool ones and didn't see a problem with my husband of 25 years spending time on a shared hobby with a female friend. Sadly I discovered that he had been having an affair for over two years and left for OW in January. Talk about hiding in plain sight.

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