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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and I argue about three things and three things only...

60 replies

Iamblossom · 10/09/2015 20:02

This is simultaneously reassuring and effing annoying.

Need to break the cycle but absolutely can't!!

Should I be glad it's just three things??

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 10/09/2015 20:03

And they are?

slicedfinger · 10/09/2015 20:05

Depends what they are. If one is religion, one your MIL, and one your children, you may have an issue...

Doublebubblebubble · 10/09/2015 20:05

1 = money
2 = dc/s
........

coffeeisnectar · 10/09/2015 20:05

What are they?

We argue about one major thing and several minor things. The minor things can be sorted, the major thing is becoming a pita as we are at opposite viewpoints.

inmyheadimthequeen · 10/09/2015 20:06

I think you can be glad so long as it's not money, your ILs and sex. Or housework, freedom and sexi sm. Or any other combo of major red flags Grin

quicklydecides · 10/09/2015 20:07

If it's money sex and division of housework you are fucked.

If it's the best colour your favorite number and whether to walk or drive, then you are fine.

Original poster
Iamblossom · 10/09/2015 20:09

Oh dear.

I am fucked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamblossom · 10/09/2015 20:09

ILs
DC
Money

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 20:16

Only those 3? No problem. You'll just have to leave the bastard or kick him out of your home and then you can argue with yourself till the cows come home Grin

coffeeisnectar · 10/09/2015 20:29

Then either you agree to work out resolutions or carry on arguing endlessly until you get worn down by it.

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2015 20:32

Does anybody every seriously argue over anything else?!
Those are The Three Biggies in any relationship, aren't they?

IMO it's not so much that you argue about them, but how you argue: constructively, trying to resolve the issue or does it turn in to mudslinging?

Original poster
Iamblossom · 10/09/2015 21:48

Well our pattern is I announce a situation relating to one of those topics, he throws a strop and withdraws for an hour, I make an overture and he gradually comes round and then we are fine again.

Until the next time.

OP posts:
TopOfTheCliff · 10/09/2015 22:04

Reminds me of the old poem:

Women's faults are many
Men have only two
Everything they say
And everything they do!

(Not saying I agree with it, just your thread title reminded me of it)

Could you maybe change the way you have these confrontations? Not "announce a situation" but maybe ask his advice on how to proceed, for example?

LuluJakey1 · 10/09/2015 22:08

We never argue about ILs, DS or money. Our last bicker was about the Labour Party Leadership contest. Corbyn vs Burnham. It got quite heated. The one before that was about DH being messy.

Original poster
Iamblossom · 10/09/2015 22:19

top. You are absolutely right. I should present the situation as one we can agree together...despite the fact that there is no option other than the one I have already arrived at without him.. At least he will then agree there is only one solution and it is the one I have already thought of and gone with....

OP posts:
thatstoast · 10/09/2015 22:19

DH and I had a very heated argument about pedigree dogs when we were a newish couple. Now it's usually about leisure time/division of household chores which are different sides of the same coin, I think.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 11/09/2015 06:17

despite the fact that there is no option other than the one I have already arrived at without him.At least he will then agree there is only one solution and it is the one I have already thought of and gone with....

Woah!!!

You are aware that that is a massive red flag you're flying, aren't you?

There are as many opinions as there are people observing a situation.

And yes, some solutions might be more sensible than others (in your opinion) but if you are acting unilaterally on things that impact upon him too and 'announcing situations', I'm not surprised it causes problems.

If, however, his 'opinions' and 'solutions' are detrimental to your wellbeing and security, then you're probably going to have to consider whether you are compatible with each other.

Mondrian · 11/09/2015 06:42

My old physics teacher used to tell me that "understanding the problem is half the solution" so well done on being half way there already. I also think its important to appreciate the things you agree on.

justwondering72 · 11/09/2015 06:43

Are you my mum OP? She regularly talks to my dad as if he is stupid for not seeing things her way. It's very disrespectful.

There's a nice bit of advice I read once: when you have a choice between being right and being kind, chose to be kind. Especially with those you love. I've had a lifetime of my mother choosing to be right, all the time, and frankly I tend to avoid her conversation these days.

SanityClause · 11/09/2015 07:22

That's similar to another saying, just; do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Sometimes, it really is one or the other.

MythicalKings · 11/09/2015 07:32

You may think you know the answer but perhaps he disagrees. He's entitled to. If you present your solution as the only solution I'm not surprised he goes off on one.

SevenSeconds · 11/09/2015 07:38

I once read an article stating the top five topics that couples argue about. Those were all in the top five (where ILs come under the topic of family).

Shutthatdoor · 11/09/2015 07:43

despite the fact that there is no option other than the one I have already arrived at without him.At least he will then agree there is only one solution and it is the one I have already thought of and gone with....

You do realise that what you have said here is very controlling don't you?

If you had come on here saying your DH was saying this, there would be huge cries of red flags.

Funinthesun15 · 11/09/2015 07:44

You may think you know the answer but perhaps he disagrees. He's entitled to. If you present your solution as the only solution I'm not surprised he goes off on one.

Me neither

TopOfTheCliff · 11/09/2015 07:49

OK so you "want to break the cycle but can't"

Can you give us a recent example of a problem and how you solved it? And maybe think how you could have avoided triggering a fall-out?
Obviously you aren't going to start tiptoing round him in case you set him off, (unless he is a sulker generally and you have a bigger problem than you think!) but there must be a more constructive way to have these conversations.

I think handling disagreements is such a fundamental life skill it should be taught to children. My family are hopeless at it. Either all martyred passivity and migraines or volcanic eruptions. I am trying to practice assertiveness without aggression according to Anne Dickson who is the guru

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