Dh and I argue about three things and three things only...

[Iamblossom]

This is simultaneously reassuring and effing annoying.

Need to break the cycle but absolutely can't!!

Should I be glad it's just three things??

I think the first thing you need to do is stop dictating and assuming you are always right.

How can you have a good relationship with a person with whom you don't agree on the basics?

That's like a life with only three problems ; eating, drinking and breathing.

Why do you assume your solution is always right?

I agree with others, you need to stop thinking your solution is the only one, no one is right all the time. You're in a marriage not a dictatorship

Next time you think you are right maybe ask your dh what he wishes to do, think and talk about the options then come to a decision together!

Well our pattern is I announce a situation relating to one of those topics, he throws a strop and withdraws for an hour

"Announce a situation" ? Interesting turn of phrase. It does imply a degree of inflexibility ...

Morning all! Thanks so much for all posts.

Interesting view points, and all valid in their way. Maybe I am a bit controlling, and yes I do generally think I am right. But I definitely try to see things from all sides and I don't impose my will on anyone, least of all dh.

When I said "the solution we would have arrived at and gone with anyway" I mean things like "despite you not particularly liking X, that person is an extremely close relative who wants to give our DS something important in person, and the reason you don't like X is due to a perceived and imaginary slight that happened over 5 years ago and the reason that person is going to come round is because the alternative is to upset them or go NC with them, neither of which I am willing to do".

I never make unilateral decisions about things that affect him, but I do have different ideas sometimes about how to do important things like bring up our dc and look after our money. My ideas are informed and supported by facts that I have researched. That may sound mega controlling but it doesn't make it any the less true.

But I don't just do things without consulting him - we discuss argue about these things. I do respect his views and opinions.

So just because you aren't willing to upset a particular person, he's not entitled to disagree with that because you're "right"?

Bloody hell you sound like a nightmare.

there is no option other than the one I have already arrived at without him

My ideas are informed and supported by facts that I have researched.

Then you need to work on getting his buy-in earlier in the process of making the decision. And listening to his input.

As it is, it sounds as thought you make the decisions and then present them to him as a fait accompli.

Or is it that he doesn't engage properly, leaving you to shoulder all the burden of decision-making?

But surely with the situation you mention, there was easily an alternative. You could take DS to the relatives house without DH, or met them at a cafe or restaurant, or had them over when DH was out/at work. There was no reason for your DH to be involved in at all, really.

When was the last time he "got his own way"? Do you ever think, or consider, that you have been wrong?

As you get older and have DC, money issues, etc etc, there are times when pretty much everyone in a relationship has to compromise. When did you last compromise?

Sometimes it's not so much the compromise itself that ruins relationships, it's how you arrive at the compromise. its interesting that you "argue" rather than discuss.

It's only a snapshot but you sound as though you are very dictatorial (and a little arrogant). That sounds unkind but from what you have said but it sounds as though you "present" with outcomes of situations and allow no dissension as you believe you are always right. I couldn't live with someone like this.

Why do you think you argue, rather than discuss?

OP your situation is quite like mine. It is beating your head against a brick wall trying to sort issues out with someone who is unwilling to engage in the process, but who then calls you controlling for trying to move forward.

My dp is generally not willing to discuss things, so it ends up an argument. Not because I'm trying to control him or control things but because in our case, arguments are usually dc related, and he does not put in anywhere near the amount of time that I do in investing in thinking about how to manage issues or problems. I think about this constantly (esp. as ds has autism so needs a totally unique approach), I do the research, suggest a solution to dp who doesn't engage with the conversation, won't discuss anything. I can't just leave it unresolved so have to move forward, and then will be called controlling. Pre-dc there was the same pattern and I ended up tiptoeing around him and not voicing my opinion because the shouting and arguing wasn't worth it, it didn't resolve things anyway. With the dc now I can't let this happen so have had to make decisions alone.

I think you're getting a hard time here- it's Realistic sometimes that you know that in some cases you know that you're being reasonable and he isn't, and if he's not prepared to discuss, what choice do you have?
I don't really have any advice though I'm afraid, just voicing understanding!

That may sound mega controlling but it doesn't make it any the less true.

You're not kidding

You basically say my way or the highway...

yes I do generally think I am right

Good grief You sound delightful

If you "only" argue about
ILs
DC
Money
That really doesn't leave much time for arguing about anything else.

I always know think I am right too.

However our three areas of disagreement are
The right way to hang up towels in bathroom
The correct way to make tea.
Who has the TV remote control

So I don't think we're fucked yet

This is relationships not AIBU. Personally I don't see the point in simply Insulting the OP without at least adding something intended to be helpful too. She is asking for advice and opinion here so must recognise there is a problem.

It must be very tiring.

These are fundamental issues that you arguing over, not discussing. OP, do you think you can successfully change the way you both communicate, or are the differences of opinion too big to be resolved?

I feel sorry for you DH tbh.

It may as others have said, be tiring, but more so for you DH.

I get the impression that he walks off etc as he probably thinks what's the point as you aren't going to listen to my point of view anyway.

You need to back off. You are coming accross as very controlling and your posts after your OP are dismissing this.

If it was you posting that your DH believed he was 'always right' and this controlling, there would be cries of red flags.

You need to seriously listen to what he has to say.

Thing is in the situation you describe you deemed your desire not to piss off cousin X as more important than his desire to avoid cousin X.

Now whilst avoiding cousin X for a petty reason (and again - petty to you but his opinion of the relative importance of the reason is as valid as yours) isn't a particularly nice thing to do, you have effectively told your dh that your wishes are more important than his.

And there may have been an alternative that satisfied both of you, that you hadn't thought of. You need to start conversations with 'Right this situation is coming up, what do you think we should do about it., rather than 'Right this situation is coming up and the only solution is this one so we're doing it.'

I read a book on marriage a few weeks ago (and can't for the life of me remember the name), I think it was by Dr Gottman. It talked about perpetual problems within a marriage and how they don't mean that your doomed, it is the way you handle them that matters. Maybe have a look for this book?

So in the example you give, you have assumed that you know how your DH feels about the person, you have assumeddecided that his reasons for not wishing to be in touch with them are (to you) unimportant and invalid, and you have assumed that the solution you have come up with is the only workable one. For you both.

If you truly want to change how you communicate with each other, it has to come from both sides. And on your side, first of all you have to accept that the way you see the world is not the only, true, way. Your OH can have different opinions, views, experiences of the same situation, to you without being 'wrong'.

Are you prepared to accept another world view than your own? If not, then you are not going to change and this pattern will be yours for life.

When your DC come to you and tell you how they feel about things, are you going to correct them too? Or are you going to be able to put your perception of a situation to one side, and listen to them?

Hmm I get this -I think. I am trying to work on it.

I can be controlling - but DP actually 'makes' me - I spend my life now trying to throw things on to him - to make him help make a decision/ take responsibility - if he is going to want an opinion/disagreement later...
I have found sometimes if I ask DP for an opinion he won't have one, won't discuss... he'll say do what you think is right...
So I'll research etc, dither for ages and come to a decision and then he (with no real thought or research) will decide I am not right.
What follows is a discussion - where I counter every thing he brings up (because by then I've normally already thought of it and about it) and we do what I have already decided because I am in fact right... (trying to think of an occasion where he has then contributed something I haven't already thought of - and I can say - 'good point I hadn't thought about that' ...and I can't ) I find it incredibly frustrating.

Sometimes I really can't be bothered to go around the houses - if we had the discussion in the first place it would be different but sometimes I haven't got the patience - feel like I have wasted my time and thought and I just say we are doing this, end of ...and then (fair enough really) that results in an argument.

Oh fgs the op is not stamping her foot and saying "we're going to do this because I say so". She's said that she does listen to him and doesn't make unilateral decisions, but it sounds like he's unwilling to engage in discussions and "throws a strop". He sounds like the stubborn one, not her. The "announce a situation" wording suggests to me that she's raising an issue, not waltzing in and dictating a solution with no option of discussing.

As I said I'm in a similar situation, and it is very hard to get a pov across to someone in a reasonable and calm way if the other person doesn't even want to listen. (In my case I think that deep down my dp doesn't like women having a strong opinion. I've had years of being accused of 'nagging' when I try and discuss something.) Not saying it's exactly the same for the OP but I do know what it's like to be in position where an issue can't be discussed because the other person just doesn't want to listen to reasoned arguments and just labels it as controlling.

Sometimes you do know you're right and reasonable about something - that's not controlling or evil, it's just objective fact. And I don't agree that you should back down just for an easy life if it's about something which is important.

During your 'research' stage you need to involve him. Not necessarily by sitting him down with pen and paper and brainstorming, but casually in passing as you make a cup of tea, 'Oh I was thinking about cousin X earlier and wondered if this might work what do you think' or 'Oh I drove passed this cafe and thought if we ever need somewhere on neutral ground that would be nice place to go. Would that work with X?'

That isn't an argument then surely. That's you deciding and him being pissed off about it but eventually agreeing to keep the peace and then it repeating.

Sounds like a massive recipe for huge resentment in the long term. Even if he wasn't willing to make a decision.

When you next have a problem, even if you have decided on the best course of action which is reasonable and sensible, try keeping quiet and making a discussion where you place all factors on the table and have a discussion with him - if it really is the only sensible solution, then surely he will also arrive at it with you, and hence he'll be happier as he'll have felt that he had a say.

I know my DH is very logical and has a total knack for seeing straight to the heart of a problem and working out the best solution in about thirty seconds flat and doesn't really get the point of involving others in that process (because for him, it's not a drawn out process.) So I can get really pissed off when he suggests something as a done deal, but over the resultant argument/discussion, I work through it and more often than not, arrive at the same conclusion - it just takes me longer. Then I am okay with it. But a more stubborn person might still feel pissed off that they felt the original decision was made without actually consulting them at all.

As I said I'm in a similar situation, and it is very hard to get a pov across to someone in a reasonable and calm way if the other person doesn't even want to listen

It is also very difficult to have a discussion with someone that always appears to think they are right.