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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need help interpreting my Ex's behaviour

58 replies

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:06

Hi everyone!

Firstly, I would like to say that yes, I am a guy! However I would really like a womans opinion on my situation because I'm really torn.

Me and my Ex girlfriend knew each other for 2 years. It started off as a friendship, talking every once a week maybe, then after a few months I skyped her and it was instant attraction. I always had an urge to be by her side even though I hardly knew her, I just can't explain why. A month after we started dating she told me that she believes we were meant to find each other because when we had a fight 8 months prior to dating when we were friends, she said it really affected her how we didn't talk for a couple months.

Me and my ex broke up on July 25th. I had heavy exam resit pressure and for 5 days I was the lowest I've ever felt and I ended up shouting at her... in text on Facebook about being jealous of such a stupid reason. We were okay with each other for 2 weeks, she said she understood what happened but couldn't handle me in that state and it scared her. She still wanted to be close to me, said she couldn't lose me as a friend and that she still thought we were meant to find each other. She even spoke to my sister about it after and said that she thought we had something special. I have never shouted at her before and it actually hurt me after I realised what I did.

After 2 weeks we argued about something, I can't even remember what, and she blocked me on Facebook. She said "We will never be friends, we won't ever get back together, any last words?".

2 weeks into this her friend tells me there was a day when she was really sad, recorded a sad song on her guitar and told her friend to tell me that if I do anything bad to myself then she would too. She had a history of self harm and feeling worthless, something I managed to tame through friendship and our relationship. I never told her I would do these things, I think it was genuine care.

1 week later (so 3 weeks after the block) she unblocks me. However now she is just being confusing.

In one conversation I initiated 5 days after the unblock, or there abouts (And the ONLY one since then) she managed to say:

I unblocked you cause I thought you'd grow up (get over her? Idk)
We won't ever get back together
Just forget me

AND

I am going to add you again after your exams in 2 weeks
I still care about you
If anything happened to you I would be hurt too

So I ended up telling the same friend who has been helping me build myself up about this/the one who was with my ex that day she was really down, that I talked to my ex for the first time in seemingly forever. I told this friend what my ex said she was going to add me after my exams. My friend said she knew and that my ex told her - "I'm going to add him after his exams because i dont want him to think about anything else than his exams.he needs to do them."

As you can see, massive contradictory statements, even after the unblock. Also if she already thought I'd be over her why would she say she was waiting until after my exams? Makes no sense to me.

I've asked a few friends opinions on this and even her close friends think that she seems unsure of what to do. What do you guys think?

I think it's worth mentioning that I have improved on myself a lot and I'm going to the gym, studying hard and doing my hobbies. I have no intention on forcing myself on her, I just want to know what might be going on with her.

The only thing I can think of is that she is conflicted. She made a decision to dump me but part of her is telling her to come back. That's the only conclusion I can think of.

Thanks in advance! Oh, and here is a picture of us :)

[image removed by MNHQ]

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 13:10

Why the hell have you put up a photo of her?

I've reported.

In response. She has told you repeatedly she doesn't want to be with you.

Move on. Work on your anger issues. Don't behave aggressively with future girlfriends.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 13:11

And ignore what your friends think or say and how they interpret her actions and words. It's not relevant.

Most people are upset after a breakup, it doesn't mean they want to get back together.

TenForward82 · 10/09/2015 13:15

I get the feeling we're supposed to tell you what a great guy you are. At no point have you mentioned apologising to her for shouting at her because you were under stress (aw, you were stressed, that's ok then Hmm ), and then there was a second argument that you conveniently can't remember who caused it or what it was about. Then you seem pissed that she "dumped you" but don't seem to acknowledge that it was likely because you weren't being a great boyfriend.

It sounds like, unfortunately, she still wants to be friends with you but her sensible side is telling her you're not to be trusted. Do the girl a favour, go off and "work on yourself" some more, and this time focus on your behaviour and your attitude, not your abs.

And yes, no one needs to see a photo of you - and especially of her, since you're slagging her off. I know you kids are obsessed with selfies but no one cares about your face. Glad it was removed.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/09/2015 13:15

Ask MN to delete the picture of her, it is not ok to publicly identify someone with intimate emotional details about them like that.

In regards to what I think, I think you're very young and immature with boundary issues. No one is going to help to interpret the actions of someone else- the grown up way to do that is to have a conversation with that person, not post pictures of them on a public forum.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:24

Wow.. didn't expect that.

Sorry for the picture, I didn't realise you couldn't.

And yes I apologised, greatly in fact for the entire 2 weeks we were friends.

The other argument we had was because she kept asking me why I was ignoring her messages when I just didn't see them.

Also I have worked on myself a lot. I couldn't help what happened with my stress issues, I've never shouted at her once.

And yes I was good to her. I helped her with self harm, panic attacks, anxiety, depression.

I'm not asking for everyone to say I was a saint at all I just wanted to know if because I was always there for her and slipped up once that maybe this is the reason she is slowly coming back.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 13:29

I don't think she is coming back. I think she has been clear with you.

you are responsible for your behaviour, even when stressed. She decided she had seen a side of you that meant she did not want to be with you. It doesn't matter how supportive you were before then, she doesn't owe you a relationship.

Once you know someone is capable of treating you badly, it changes things for good. She doesn't have to give you a chance to prove you won't do it again, she can find someone who wouldn't treat her badly in the first place.

I really think you need to move on and stop obsessing about her.

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 13:31

I completely agree that relationships should be fun at first! They should be easy and comfortable, and bring you both happiness.

This isn't that. This is obsessive and sounds like work. Find someone who you are compatible with.

TenForward82 · 10/09/2015 13:33

I couldn't help what happened with my stress issues

Yes, a lot of abusive people use that excuse. You CAN help it, if you try.

As for the picture, it's not that you COULDN'T, it's that it's bloody inappropriate. "Here's a picture of the girl I'm slagging off so you can see what she looks like." Why TF is that relevant?

Based only on your OP, I highly doubt you just slipped up once. You do seem to want a pat on the back because you "helped her". NEWSFLASH: that's what decent people in relationships do, and they don't expect a world of praise for it.

I think you need to take a good look at yourself. Not sure how old you are, but not sure you're old enough for a relationship.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:36

@FuckYouChris I know I'm responsible for my own behaviour but everyone has arguments. Everyone has that point when they are low and everyone says things they don't mean. And I didn't treat her badly at all. Where is that even coming from? Nor am I obsessing over her - "I have no intention on forcing myself on her, I just want to know what might be going on". You seem to really dislike me for some reason.

@Scobberlotcher - Oh it was fun! Everything was so natural and fell into place. As I mentioned, I helped her through a lot of dark things and we both really opened up to each other and found ourselves in each other. Honestly it just makes me sad that through everything we went through with her "issues" (I hate to call them that, but they weren't healthy for her), that one outburst from me that wasn't a verbal attack, just jealously for the first time pushed her away.

I understand that it freaked her out and I accept the consequences. I just don't understand why she would start to come back just to get angry if I talk to her.

OP posts:
Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:38

Jesus... why does everyone think I'm abusive? I'm not even slagging her off, I'm telling you guys what she said and wanted some insight on why she might be doing a 180. I don't want her back because I helped her, I'm saying that might be a reason why SHE is coming back. I don't need praise, I did it out of love.

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 13:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SassyPasty · 10/09/2015 13:45

Is this an online relationship? Everything in your posts is about messages and no mention of talking, meeting up and chatting about the issues etc.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:47

It's not fun, it's true, but at the same time I didn't care. I would help her through anything to make sure she is safe. They weren't burdens to me at all because I truly love her.

The only drama we have ever had that comes to mind is this situation right now. Shes seemingly going back on everything she has said but at the same time still seems angry. And its most likely not to Facebook stalk either, she has many of her Best Friends as my friends that would stalk me in a heartbeat for her.

OP posts:
Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:49

@SassyPasty - Hey, it was a long distance relationship. We had many meet ups and spent lots of time together. Actually when we broke up just before one of my visits in August she actually told me she still wanted to see me in November after things would calm down.

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 13:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 13:54

I don't dislike you, Arun, I don't know you. I'm responding to your posts.

Why do you care what her motives are? For whatever reason your relationship was dysfunctional. You weren't happy together. You shouldn't be together. So she is now not blocking you anymore. It could be that she did it whilst her emotions were raw, and now she doesn't feel the need to block you, but doesn't want to be with you either.

Time will heal everything. Whatever happens your relationship didn't work. There are many times of stress and strain throughout life. You couldn't get over the first hurdle together. You're not meant to be.

Stop dwelling on this and move on.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:56

Ha, don't worry I am listening to your advice and am taking it on board, that's why I came here.

I know I have 2 options:

  1. Continue staying away
  2. Let her add me back and let her initiate contact.

Sadly enough I'm okay with loving her enough to let her go. Those 3 weeks apart put that into perspective. When she comes back in a couple of weeks I guess I will see what she does, otherwise it will just be Facebook "friends" + staying away.

Anyway, thanks for your comments!

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 14:04

I'm a bit confused - it seems to me that most of your relationship was conducted online, on FB or other social media?

And when you "shouted" at her it was online - and you used CAPS at her?

is this right?

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 14:11

It was online yes, on Facebook, skype every day, saw her every month for a week.

I didn't even use caps, I was just telling her how every time I ask her to be in her videos or studio she always plays it off and now shes getting a friend instead. It was a jealous reason and it was dumb as hell but I wasn't myself at the time and she even acknowledged that she knew this and knows about my past with the entire jealous issue.

long story short, one of my old girlfriends had no friends, introduced her to 12 of my guy friends, 2 of them slept with her, 2 of them bullied me for 2 years = Gave me trust issues with guys.

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 14:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 14:25

So you have jealousy issues? I can understand why, but I have to say that is one of my dealbreakers. I wouldn't date someone who was a jealous type.

Have you sought counselling to deal with this? It sounds like it could help you.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 14:25

We both play guitar and do music recordings/covers.

So when I found out she was going to get someone else to play the guitar I was just like "Well why not me? I've asked constantly". I guess it was more passive aggressive? All I know was it was dumb.

OP posts:
Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 14:27

Sorry for all these double posts, seems everytime I post something someone else does.

And yeah I would dislike jealously too, its not attractive. If anything, the break up put into perspective that not every guy is like my old friends. Its a shame I needed something so heartbreaking to teach me this but that experience of my life was the worst for me.

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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