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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need help interpreting my Ex's behaviour

58 replies

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 13:06

Hi everyone!

Firstly, I would like to say that yes, I am a guy! However I would really like a womans opinion on my situation because I'm really torn.

Me and my Ex girlfriend knew each other for 2 years. It started off as a friendship, talking every once a week maybe, then after a few months I skyped her and it was instant attraction. I always had an urge to be by her side even though I hardly knew her, I just can't explain why. A month after we started dating she told me that she believes we were meant to find each other because when we had a fight 8 months prior to dating when we were friends, she said it really affected her how we didn't talk for a couple months.

Me and my ex broke up on July 25th. I had heavy exam resit pressure and for 5 days I was the lowest I've ever felt and I ended up shouting at her... in text on Facebook about being jealous of such a stupid reason. We were okay with each other for 2 weeks, she said she understood what happened but couldn't handle me in that state and it scared her. She still wanted to be close to me, said she couldn't lose me as a friend and that she still thought we were meant to find each other. She even spoke to my sister about it after and said that she thought we had something special. I have never shouted at her before and it actually hurt me after I realised what I did.

After 2 weeks we argued about something, I can't even remember what, and she blocked me on Facebook. She said "We will never be friends, we won't ever get back together, any last words?".

2 weeks into this her friend tells me there was a day when she was really sad, recorded a sad song on her guitar and told her friend to tell me that if I do anything bad to myself then she would too. She had a history of self harm and feeling worthless, something I managed to tame through friendship and our relationship. I never told her I would do these things, I think it was genuine care.

1 week later (so 3 weeks after the block) she unblocks me. However now she is just being confusing.

In one conversation I initiated 5 days after the unblock, or there abouts (And the ONLY one since then) she managed to say:

I unblocked you cause I thought you'd grow up (get over her? Idk)
We won't ever get back together
Just forget me

AND

I am going to add you again after your exams in 2 weeks
I still care about you
If anything happened to you I would be hurt too

So I ended up telling the same friend who has been helping me build myself up about this/the one who was with my ex that day she was really down, that I talked to my ex for the first time in seemingly forever. I told this friend what my ex said she was going to add me after my exams. My friend said she knew and that my ex told her - "I'm going to add him after his exams because i dont want him to think about anything else than his exams.he needs to do them."

As you can see, massive contradictory statements, even after the unblock. Also if she already thought I'd be over her why would she say she was waiting until after my exams? Makes no sense to me.

I've asked a few friends opinions on this and even her close friends think that she seems unsure of what to do. What do you guys think?

I think it's worth mentioning that I have improved on myself a lot and I'm going to the gym, studying hard and doing my hobbies. I have no intention on forcing myself on her, I just want to know what might be going on with her.

The only thing I can think of is that she is conflicted. She made a decision to dump me but part of her is telling her to come back. That's the only conclusion I can think of.

Thanks in advance! Oh, and here is a picture of us :)

[image removed by MNHQ]

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/09/2015 14:32

How old are you both?

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 14:36

It's not even that he's better, the song was about 6 chords and I've played for 12 years.

But this is the thing. I know that it was stupid how I acted, I literally had no reason. My mood at the time just made me act irrationally and my ex told me she understands why I was like that and said she knows we have something special and to visit her in November to see where things go and she also said at the time because she thinks we were meant to find each other too.

I am 20 and she is 18

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 14:39

sadly love doesn't conquer all. It often means you stay in or pursue relationships that are not good for you

pocketsaviour · 10/09/2015 14:45

You are pretty young to be going through this amount of stress over a relationship.

Maybe it would be best to try to stop thinking too hard about what she really means, etc, and just put her out of your mind for now to concentrate on your studies?

Then if she contacts you in a month or so, see how you both feel then. But don't just sit around thinking you're going to get back together.

I'm sorry about what happened with your previous GF and your "friends". It must have been very hurtful. But you understand, don't you, that you can't punish your future partners for that?

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 14:50

Whether it sounds stupid or not, I felt more connection to this girl than anyone else I've dated before, I guess that's why it's stressful.

Also yes, you are right that I need to concentrate on my studies. In fact, that's what I've been doing since the 3 week silence we had. It's not so much that I'm thinking we will get back together, more that it's just passing through my mind why she has re-entered my life again. Although I wasn't happy with losing her in those 3 weeks I was coming to terms with no speaking to her again and now that she's back and being hot and cold I'm just confused.

I do understand, more so now. I never really used it as a controlling thing for her though. I would always let her see her friends and whoever she wanted and wished she would have fun. But I think that in the back of her mind she knew I didn't like it, and I guess that is enough.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 14:55

Move on Arun
perferably with someone who lives closer

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 14:56

One thing I'd like to say is that one partner can't really 'help' another partner with their issues and I don't like her comment about if you hurt yourself she would too.
When people have emotional issues that lead to behaviour that is harmful to themselves or others it is that person's responsibility to seek appropriate help for those issues. A boyfriend is not appropriate help. In fact that kind of dynamic (rescuer/helpless rescued) is really unhealthy and can lead to a very messed up situation. You need to get the idea of being her helper out of your head. Or anyone else's either.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 14:59

Scobber has talked an awful lot of sense on this thread :o

When I was young a millionty years ago I was madly in love with this man. He sang in a band. He was good looking. He thought I was enigmatic and beautiful

I'd never felt like that before. With hindsight we were horribly incompatible (I wanted to travel and go to uni, he wanted to stay in his home town and see where it took him). If I met him whilst single now, I wouldn't even consider dating him, because we obviously would end up falling out about things, since we aren't compatible.

It all ended with much pain and wringing of hands, but I thank god it ended. We would have been miserable. Neither of us were bad people, but we weren't meant to be.

Life gets harder as you get older. Don't start off with someone who doesn't make your life easier.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:01

@LovelyFriend - I have every intention, and I was coming to terms with not speaking to her ever again and I intend to keep doing that, especially after her Hot and Coldness.

@Scobberlotcher - Guess we will see what happens. All I know is that even during our friendship period we couldn't stay away and we never knew why. We hardly spoke to each other let alone in a romantic way.

@Obsidian - That's partly why I'm afraid of "being her friend". I can't just be friends with someone I had a relationship with and still love. It just wouldn't work. Nor would I want to be the "emotional dump" friend.

For me, I know that its relationship or nothing. And honestly, I'm fine with both. I will always care for her immensely but I can't stick around knowing she doesn't want me back.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/09/2015 15:01

I agree that nothing we say will change your mind :o

You'll meet up in November, things may drag on, it will be full of drama and passion and pain.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2015 15:08

I think you should both get off the internet and get your heads out of your navels.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but the relationship isn't going to work, and you aren't going to get back together. If you and she carry on with this push-me pull-you stuff on social media and whatever you're both just doing it for the drama.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:09

Oh no, I'm not going to meet her in November.

I have no intention and that's pretty much out the window at this point. I don't see why I would.

I guess the issue I have is, in the 3 weeks apart I came to terms with not seeing or talking to her again. Building myself up mentally, getting over it etc. But now she returns out of the blue, however she is nice, then mean, then nice. And that is just a massive head fuck.

OP posts:
Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:11

Exactly, the push pull thing is WHY I don't want to talk to her. I just want to know why she is doing it but I guess I will never know haha.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 15:13

I can't stick around knowing she doesn't want me back

Yes! Wish I'd got that into my head when I was 20

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 15:14

Maybe she wants to keep the emotional support without the relationship
Wouldn't be the first

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:22

Maybe she does, and that's the reason I made the thread.

I want to know what Hot and Cold can mean, if you guys have done it, if your ex boyfriends have done it, basically anything that can shed insight on why it happens.

The conversation started off with me saying how she was doing, she replied 3 sentences, a normal reply. Then I said to her that I noticed it had been a while since she unblocked me and thought I would just see how she was. That's when she started saying "Please leave me alone". Along with all the other stuff in my OP.

I just don't get the concept of saying "Please leave me alone", "I will add you back soon", "We will never get back together", "I still care about you", "I've had enough shit for today", "If you do anything bad then it will hurt me too", "I have a headache, bye". Then 20 minutes later messaging me again "Please don't do anything". No idea why she said this but, whatever, I guess.

The entire concept just baffles me. You unblock me, fine, doesn't mean anything, could just be she thinks it was mean to block in the first place. Has a go at me for basically messaging her then tells me she will add me back as a friend... just, why?

Is it emotional support? Is it because she is conflicted, made a decision but part of her wants to come back? Is it because she just wants to argue?

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:29

So you think that a reason could be that she likes the attention, even if its through anger?

OP posts:
Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arun1910 · 10/09/2015 15:43

Guess I will just accept it, you're right, sometimes you never can understand what someone does. And that's probably a good time to stop trying.

Thanks to everyone in this thread for your replies :)

I guess I will only truly know what's going on after my exams next week. Until then, studying for me.

Thanks again!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 15:48

Yes of course
Having a man really keen even though you have dumped him is an attractive narrative when you are 18. Of course that may not be the case, and she may not be doing that consciously.

StormCoat · 10/09/2015 15:51

So you didn't actually shout at her, you used caps lock in a FB or other online message or text??? This is blowing my mind slightly, because I read your entire OP as being about a RL relationship, but it's hard to judge how much of this is the messiness of a real relationship with the inevitable compromises and disagreements, especially when you're both Young and figuring out who you are, and how much is you (and possibly your ex) wildly overthinking a scatter of online or text exchanges. Can I ask how many days you have actually spent in one amother's company in total? And do/did you actually phone each other when you weren't together, or were all these 'conversations' and 'arguments' via the written word
?
Good luck in your exams, too.

StormCoat · 10/09/2015 15:52

Sorry for typos. I didn't actually mean 'young' to be capitalised, as if you were a different species.