I need help interpreting my Ex's behaviour

[Arun1910]

Hi everyone!

Firstly, I would like to say that yes, I am a guy! However I would really like a womans opinion on my situation because I'm really torn.

Me and my Ex girlfriend knew each other for 2 years. It started off as a friendship, talking every once a week maybe, then after a few months I skyped her and it was instant attraction. I always had an urge to be by her side even though I hardly knew her, I just can't explain why. A month after we started dating she told me that she believes we were meant to find each other because when we had a fight 8 months prior to dating when we were friends, she said it really affected her how we didn't talk for a couple months.

Me and my ex broke up on July 25th. I had heavy exam resit pressure and for 5 days I was the lowest I've ever felt and I ended up shouting at her... in text on Facebook about being jealous of such a stupid reason. We were okay with each other for 2 weeks, she said she understood what happened but couldn't handle me in that state and it scared her. She still wanted to be close to me, said she couldn't lose me as a friend and that she still thought we were meant to find each other. She even spoke to my sister about it after and said that she thought we had something special. I have never shouted at her before and it actually hurt me after I realised what I did.

After 2 weeks we argued about something, I can't even remember what, and she blocked me on Facebook. She said "We will never be friends, we won't ever get back together, any last words?".

2 weeks into this her friend tells me there was a day when she was really sad, recorded a sad song on her guitar and told her friend to tell me that if I do anything bad to myself then she would too. She had a history of self harm and feeling worthless, something I managed to tame through friendship and our relationship. I never told her I would do these things, I think it was genuine care.

1 week later (so 3 weeks after the block) she unblocks me. However now she is just being confusing.

In one conversation I initiated 5 days after the unblock, or there abouts (And the ONLY one since then) she managed to say:

I unblocked you cause I thought you'd grow up (get over her? Idk)
We won't ever get back together
Just forget me

AND

I am going to add you again after your exams in 2 weeks
I still care about you
If anything happened to you I would be hurt too

So I ended up telling the same friend who has been helping me build myself up about this/the one who was with my ex that day she was really down, that I talked to my ex for the first time in seemingly forever. I told this friend what my ex said she was going to add me after my exams. My friend said she knew and that my ex told her - "I'm going to add him after his exams because i dont want him to think about anything else than his exams.he needs to do them."

As you can see, massive contradictory statements, even after the unblock. Also if she already thought I'd be over her why would she say she was waiting until after my exams? Makes no sense to me.

I've asked a few friends opinions on this and even her close friends think that she seems unsure of what to do. What do you guys think?

I think it's worth mentioning that I have improved on myself a lot and I'm going to the gym, studying hard and doing my hobbies. I have no intention on forcing myself on her, I just want to know what might be going on with her.

The only thing I can think of is that she is conflicted. She made a decision to dump me but part of her is telling her to come back. That's the only conclusion I can think of.

Thanks in advance! Oh, and here is a picture of us :)

[image removed by MNHQ]

may not be doing that consciously

That's worse if that's true haha.

@stormcoat - Yes it was over Facebook whilst I was walking to one of my exams. Well the "Real life" relationship was so perfect and I think the distance actually helped with that. It was always really exciting to see her.

In total we were in each others company for 77 days and every day we would skype for 3-4 hours.

When we werent together, the stuff in the OP about the back and forth messages was over the phone.

Another old person here, frantically nodding my head and shouting "Yes" to Scobber's posts

Your ex sounds like hard work, Arun. All the mood changes, the self-harm, the hints that you're a suicide risk (!?) ... If I didn't know she was very young, I'd be wondering if she has BPD. It's fairly normal for a young & tortured artiste, though! Perhaps she'll grow out of it; perhaps she'll carry on being an emotional drain on other people for the rest of her life.

This is the thing: when people suck a lot of emotion from you, you end up feeling deeply bonded to them. This is down to an innate desire to help and the need to feel needed. Between emotionally healthy people, these are fantastic and rewarding instincts. Problems arise when one of the people isn't all that emotionally healthy. The 'giver' has a set of inbuilt responses that expect giving to be returned in kind. But when a 'taker' barrels into their life, their instincts get all confused because the expected sustenance isn't coming back in return. Our instincts can then go into a crappy sort of loop, as if they think perhaps we're not giving enough?
Takers use this to their advantage.

I'm not saying takers do it on purpose. Some do, but most are simply screwed up in a way that nobody can un-screw for them. It's best to think kindly of her, give yourself a pat on the back for recognising something felt wrong, and allow yourself a bit of time to grieve (preferably with your friends.)

Hope the exams go well :)

@Garrick - Ah, I mentioned before the Hard work thing never really bothered me. I was helping her with this stuff a year before i developed feelings for her.

Actually you touched on something I realised myself the day she hot and colded me. I literally gave everything to her and put up with some heavy stuff, and I can't be forgiven for one/two mistakes. For a long time I hated myself for what happened, I knew I did wrong, but at the same time, she hasn't shown me the same forgiveness I showed her. Its at that point last week i realised that yes, I still love her, yes i still care about her, but I'm not going to stick around to be grilled on my entire life on some small things (compared to what she has said in the past).

Perhaps that is why she is still hurt. Because it wasnt a frequent thing from me. She recognised this too, before banning me she said "Yes it wasn't regular thats why it fucking hurts, dont you understand this?!"

Eh, I can't do anything now. All depends on her really but I can't stay friends with someone who I love, I know that much. I will just have to wait until my exams are finished and she adds me back.

On a more serious note, if you are wondering why she is behaving so strangely she is probably re-enacting something from her own background in the hopes that it will have a different outcome this time. People do this all the time - repeat childhood patterns with their partners, play out the same drama over and over again. There's nothing you can do to fix it for her, and most likely nothing you can do to help her see it as chances are she's not conscious she's doing it. But if you don't want to play ball, just don't engage.

Seriously, it's not worth wasting mental energy on. It's not a girl thing, it's a human thing. I'm sorry this relationship ended badly for you, but you're very young and there are lots of other girls out there many of whom won't be interested in spending months on strange social media mind games. If I were you I'd get off the internet and move on.

Also this might just be because I'm a relatively old fart, but what's all this 'blocking' and 'adding back' What the hell is it supposed to mean? Why bother? Why not just cut the connection, why all this protracted self-torture via messenger apps?

It must be very difficult to just leave an ex the hell alone (IMO by far the healthiest way to move on) when you're always pestering each other online.

Not engaging is what I'm doing, don't think I will ever understand to be honest. The concept of what she told me on the phone going back on forth was just interesting to me because ive never experienced it with any of my other ex's.

Also dw about the "moving on" part. I'm past the stage of stalking, feeling sorry for myself and all that.

And exactly! It's nothing to do with being old haha. I don't get it either. The blocking on Facebook was a good thing, it cut the connection, I moved on mentally from being depressive about it. Now shes reopened the connection, and wants to take it further by adding me back yet at the same time is just angry at me, then nice etc etc.

Now you know why I'm confused.

Agree with your last point in particular, Manatee. OP, honestly, you seem stuck in some kind of plainly well-meaning but also somewhat self-dramatising saviour syndrome with a tormented teenage queen of angst. We've all been there, but for some of us, it was pre-internet, so at least you had sex and ate meals and went to pubs amidst all the operatic behaviour.

Look, you can't save her from the 'demons' you mentioned 'taming', and it's not your job to try. In your shoes I would cut off contact, move on and write my own doleful guitar songs about it. It's not meant to be this much work!

True, okay I will just stop trying to figure out this shit :)