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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He changed his mind about living together.

83 replies

Saffy101 · 09/09/2015 14:03

We are in our 50's. After a couple of months together he started to talk about me moving in and also to propose. At first I laughed it off as it was way too soon but as the months went by and we are so well suited I began to make plans to move myself, my business and my belongings. We discussed this and the advertising required for my business move, the local radio station came to start the ball rolling with writing the first advert.

After 10 months together I told him that in another 2 months I would be about ready to make the move and didn't get the expected reaction. He told me that I had misunderstood, that wasn't what he had meant. I asked what he had meant as there was little else he could have meant and didn't get an explanation. I asked when he wanted us to live together and was told maybe in another 2 to 3 years.

Another time I mentioned the proposals....there were many over a period of over 6 months, he said he had no recollection.

This is now nearly a year ago and he has - just remembered, says he felt excited about our relationship back then.

My problem. What to do. I feel pretty much as I did about him, I do still love him BUT I do not feel the same about the relationship. What do we have? I am really unsure. We stay with one another once or twice a week. We row often since the "rejection" which is how I feel about it, possibly because I think I am a more prickly person to be with since then and don't feel as if I am important to him. I certainly don't come first in his world.

He has a teenage daughter who stays with him every so often and older children. The teenager comes first whatever our plans, they are dropped in her favour, she is 16. I am asked to join activities and if I find I can go, the day will suddenly change to one I cannot make - no apology and I am in the wrong if I complain.

If I ask what he wants the reply is...I want to "end up with you."

I feel as if he has exactly what he wants, no less and no more, I have been manouvered into this and it isn't what I wanted. He says if I'm not happy I should finish with him.

The annoying thing is - I didn't ask to move in together in the first place it was his idea, it is the change of mind that really matters, plus the lack of explanation.

He was married for over 15 years, his last girlfriend moved in and they lived together for a few years.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 25/09/2015 11:33

I think it is a bit of a waste of time trying to get any sensible answers from someone like this. As you say, he will just talk in circles.

LurkingHusband · 25/09/2015 13:56

He doesn't DO email...so he says! Or any other form of internet communication

Of course not. That way you'd have proof when he lies to you.

Nonnainglese · 25/09/2015 14:04

He's in bits because you've sussed him out and he no longer has anyone to use for his mind games.
You've shown that you're a strong woman and that he doesn't figure in your life anymore so he's trying emotional blackmail-it won't change his behav one iota.

Onwards and upwards x

Original poster

Saffy101 · 28/09/2015 15:47

Thank you all for your support, it has been REALLY useful, I am feeling much better but starting to realise how I have been! A cross between a hamster in a wheel and Father Jack when he was on "automatic" in his wheelchair , I could never quite get the prize of the wonderful relationship it promised to be BUT I worked very, VERY hard to get it!!! No...I shouldn't have let it go on this long, nearly 20 months but it has at least made it easier to let go as I have had more of his hot and cold treatment, which makes it very clear for me.

I'm not a total idiot, I kept a diary during the relationship, it started out of interest, first time we met and where....then for a while it was for romantic reasons but soon it was so I could remember what had actually happened, as he seemed to like to skew things, change memories and maybe even believed his changes??? Not sure.... I refer to it now most days - just to remind myself to stay well away.....

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 28/09/2015 16:15

I am so glad you are feeling more determined. The diary was a great idea, but the very fact that you needed to keep a diary as evidence of what was happening and as an accurate account shows how very dysfunctional he is. Posters talk about gaslighting on here, and that sounds exactly what he was doing to you. If you haven't already, it would be worth reading up on it.

Original poster

Saffy101 · 28/09/2015 16:42

Yes BerylStreep, some of what he did was gaslighting, although I gave him a hard time about it and he...sort of stopped but not quite - in reality, he is man in his 50s, used I am sure to a getting away with a pattern of behaviour. I now know his poor wife used to walk the hills for hours with a small child on her shoulders for months, even in the snow before she walked out...probably as a form of escape....? The next lady moved out and nearly 100 miles away to a caravan and he had to visit her, he didn't like that, she was I believe trying to gain some control over a controller.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saffy101 · 30/09/2015 16:58

Had a bad day yesterday as I had a 2 page letter from his Mum...yes you did read that correctly and he is 53 years old. It was designed to get me upset and back in touch....well it upset me I felt very - VERY down but I spoke to my friends about it and it helped. I'm much better today...a bit low but getting there.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 17:02

Pulling out all the stops then - he really must be annoyed at your escape. Poor woman to be used in this way.

TheImminentGin · 30/09/2015 17:25

Have I missed something? What was this 'meeting' then? Do you think it was some sort of sexual activity, hence the shower or am I just being dense.

starlight2007 · 30/09/2015 17:47

Do not doubt yourself..Do not answer any posts calls from him or any family

eddielizzard · 30/09/2015 17:53

don't waver. you've already done the hard bit. keep going.

Allofaflumble · 30/09/2015 17:55

Saffy I foolishly wasted a good amount of my life on a man like this. I am still kicking myself.

When I finally finished it he was really upset, wanted to stay friends, still offer support if I ever needed it etc. Then it all went quiet. He ignored a friendly text from me........he had taken up with someone else!

Don't waste you time honestly.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2015 18:01

The only correct response to a 53-year-old man getting his Mum to write to his ex-girlfriend is gales of laughter. Although no-one would blame you for feeling just a tad embarrassed at having previously mistaken him for a real grown-up.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/09/2015 18:38

Really, you should think about harassment charges against him. Blocking you in was a criminal offence. Please talk to the police.

Its clear he doesn't like to take No for an answer, so you might need the help of somebody official to make it clear any communication from him or his is unwanted.

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 18:46

I doubt Saffy will receive a second letter from his mother - the first is probably a knee-jerk maternal reaction to having 'Poor X' wailing and rending his garments all over her living room - Goodness knows what the woman was told by him.

Muckogy · 30/09/2015 18:55

don't look back. he's an eedjit.
and he sounds embarrassing TBH. someone i would be embarrassed to be with.

BerylStreep · 30/09/2015 19:46

Am I the only one wondering what the letter said?

eddielizzard · 30/09/2015 20:14

imagine being 53 and getting your MUM to write a letter for you. [vom]

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 20:39

I wondered vaguely, Beryl, but assumed it was a More In Sorrow Than In Anger job which was based on what she'd been told by her son. Not worth dwelling on, really.

CalonDu · 30/09/2015 20:52

I did ask when he had said "marry me" quite a few times (and seemed to be joking, as I wasn't quite sure but I don't think it is a subject to be trifled with.) If he was serious and what would he do if one time I said yes please and he said FIRMLY - run a mile. It didn't stop him doing it dozens more times. He said he liked the pantomime of it...... he said when he asked his wife it was a serious proposal, with me it was just funny, so I suppose.... he kept doing it and I didn't really find it funny I started to get uncomfortable with it.

Have I got this right - this utter knob kept asking you to marry him for a laugh knowing that you knew he didn't mean it? While also knowing that you took marriage seriously? That's crass at best, more like cruel. The fact that he has to get his mummy to talk to you says it all.

you sound smart, and practical, and kind. There are many men out there who would treat those qualities with the respect they deserve. Please don't waste another moment on this fool.

LovesPeace · 30/09/2015 22:22

My ex got his Mum to call me to tell me I wasn't being nice to him. He was 40 plus.
I told his Mum that as he had gone dogging, swinging, used prostitutes, and tried to cheat on me in every way known to man, if he were my son I'd be very ashamed of him.
There was a lengthy embarrassed silence, then she said 'One always has to love one's children, even if one doesn't like them'.

Of course, I was always so nice or 'too nice' as he said that he never thought I would tell her that her son was a shit.

Don't be sucked in, Saffy.

Original poster

Saffy101 · 01/10/2015 07:35

Thank you ALL, so VERY VERY much, this REALLY helps! It is amazing to see that a bunch of complete strangers have been generous enough to read my posts and answer with such detail and insight to help me and every time I have posted and you have answered me it has helped....in fact this time - it made me smile. Thanks again!

I expect there will be another wobble and I will be back with...another "ask" but you never know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saffy101 · 21/10/2015 16:41

"Another update?!" Its a little less than a month since I finished it and 2 days ago I found out that he is back on the dating site we met on. Exactly the same photographs and start of write up, I am not going to join just to see it all again ;) !!! Not much pointy in that but the first line says how he lives in a beautiful place which he would love to share with a lovely lady. However once you have been with him he explains that what he means by that is hat he would like to show you....the view!!! He is SUCH a charmer and having now looked up the real life meaning of narcissist, I now know what and who I was...almost with. Oh by the way he chastised me for getting into a relationship with him too soon after my break up from my previous partner. BUT as I now know that is typical narcisstic behaviour, putting me in bad light. I had broken up for a very long time by the way and as it turns out - longer than he had - as he had lied!

Funnily enough, seeing him there, his pic, the same one, probably taken a few years before I met him, recycled for a few relationships I expect, words the same...has given me even more closure.

OP posts:

Nonnainglese · 21/10/2015 16:56

That makes him sound utterly creepy to me......

It's good that it reinforces your feelings, good luck!

Allofaflumble · 22/10/2015 08:10

Yes they recover much more quickly than we do.

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