He changed his mind about living together.

[Saffy101]

We are in our 50's. After a couple of months together he started to talk about me moving in and also to propose. At first I laughed it off as it was way too soon but as the months went by and we are so well suited I began to make plans to move myself, my business and my belongings. We discussed this and the advertising required for my business move, the local radio station came to start the ball rolling with writing the first advert.

After 10 months together I told him that in another 2 months I would be about ready to make the move and didn't get the expected reaction. He told me that I had misunderstood, that wasn't what he had meant. I asked what he had meant as there was little else he could have meant and didn't get an explanation. I asked when he wanted us to live together and was told maybe in another 2 to 3 years.

Another time I mentioned the proposals....there were many over a period of over 6 months, he said he had no recollection.

This is now nearly a year ago and he has - just remembered, says he felt excited about our relationship back then.

My problem. What to do. I feel pretty much as I did about him, I do still love him BUT I do not feel the same about the relationship. What do we have? I am really unsure. We stay with one another once or twice a week. We row often since the "rejection" which is how I feel about it, possibly because I think I am a more prickly person to be with since then and don't feel as if I am important to him. I certainly don't come first in his world.

He has a teenage daughter who stays with him every so often and older children. The teenager comes first whatever our plans, they are dropped in her favour, she is 16. I am asked to join activities and if I find I can go, the day will suddenly change to one I cannot make - no apology and I am in the wrong if I complain.

If I ask what he wants the reply is...I want to "end up with you."

I feel as if he has exactly what he wants, no less and no more, I have been manouvered into this and it isn't what I wanted. He says if I'm not happy I should finish with him.

The annoying thing is - I didn't ask to move in together in the first place it was his idea, it is the change of mind that really matters, plus the lack of explanation.

He was married for over 15 years, his last girlfriend moved in and they lived together for a few years.

Don't know if he had a shower last year The shower presumably being an annual event for him

Packed you off to his dm while he had 'a meeting at his home? The mind boggles at what kind of fantasy he was acting out - eeew, that is one seriously strange bloke. You are so well rid of the dirty lying tosspot and I sincerely hope that you don't invest so much time in another of his ilk.

Heed the warning to 'be careful what you wish for' and make sure your cosmic order has been refned to the nth degree before you cast it to the fickle finger of fate heavens.

Onwards and upwards - and after scraping the barrel with him, the next candidate for your affections has to represent an upwardly mobile move

If your resolve should start to waver, come back here and we'll get the scaffolding out and shore it up again.

Thanks everyone!

Can't say I have thought about putting any kind of order in for the next one goddessofsmallthings - cosmic or otherwise, had my fill for now!

'Twas you who said it was nice to have 'a partner' in your life, Saffy.

Give yourself a break from the male of the species and wait to see what Santa brings you.

...He did ask why I was doing this...

A quite staggering degree of self-absorption. You're well out of it.

.....The staggering degree of self absorption is I think because he is probably a narcissist....

Well done. What a tosser.

As said earlier take it easy and enjoy yourself.

Remember that if he runs true to form, he'll be back in touch shortly - possibly even without mentioning the fact that you broke up with him! Are you in a position to block messages?

Lucky escape in the end then.

I have put my home phone through to my mobile - which I have turned off. He doesn't DO email...so he says! Or any other form of internet communication. But yes he will try but will likely leave it a while to catch me off guard. When I put the phone back on I will screen calls but only for so long...he will realise that I am sure.

Well organized, you.

He'll likely simply not understand that you should pass up any chance at him so I would have thought it a cert that he'll try once you've 'got over your silly little moment'.

Best of luck.

Slept better last night than I have for a while...that didn't take long did it?! Says a lot....

You shouldn't be rowing after only being together months anyway. Clearly a bad match. For what it's worth I somewhat applaud his honesty that he was excited 'back then' as relationships do tend to start with that phase but when you come out of it - reality hits and it seems to have hit both of you at the same time. Anyway! Pastures New and all that ....

moving in and also to propose. At first I laughed it off
you rejected him. He was not strong enough to walk away then.

That weight has been lifted now so you can relax and sleep.
You have a good solid plan in place.
Stick with it.

Glad to hear your update.

Casimir you have a very valid point...but sadly even then after just 2 months he was playing mind games rather skilfully and I wasn't sure when he was and when he wasn't, he switched types so often. It was way too much "stuff" to post here and I kept to the main points. I did ask when he had said "marry me" quite a few times (and seemed to be joking, as I wasn't quite sure but I don't think it is a subject to be trifled with.) If he was serious and what would he do if one time I said yes please and he said FIRMLY - run a mile. It didn't stop him doing it dozens more times. He said he liked the pantomime of it.....work it out I can't. Last going off he said when he asked his wife it was a serious proposal, with me it was just funny, so I suppose....perhaps he was seeing again and again if I take a joke? I did at first but as he kept doing it and I didn't really find it funny I started to get uncomfortable with it. Enough is enough.

Oh Yes. You're well out of it indeed.

Just as I went out to get in my car he arrived and parked in front which blocked me in, he just wanted 5 mins, which turned into nearly an hour. He spent most of the time crying and I nearly caved...insists he really loves me etc.
So I asked why I had to spend the afternoon at his Mums the other day when he had "the meeting", he insists it would have looked funny if we had both left straight after the meal and won't budge. So it just went in circles, this is what happens if I ask a difficult question. Despite me pointing out that it happened 2 years running same meeting same people. This is one of the frustrating things I have had in this relationship - answers...if you can call them that, which do not compute.
I had a few goes at this pointing out that it looks more funny if we don't leave together if we are a couple but cannot get him to budge.
I'm feeling a bit shaky now as I still have feelings for him and seeing him in bits is very hard, my instincts tell me to give him a hug and make him feel a bit better but I know I mustn't...I hate this.

He's not "in bits", why do you persist in imagining that he is sincere?

This is the person he is: Another time I mentioned the proposals....there were many over a period of over 6 months, he said he had no recollection.

He says one thing and then at a later date conveniently remembers another.

So of course he is going to present himself to you as utterly tormented by himself and distraught at losing you - what better way to get you back on the hook? It will all be forgotten in a month.

You should have gone back inside when he blocked your car in and told him unless he moved it you were calling the police. Blocking the car in so he could talk at you is the perfect metaphor for the relationship. His actions, your consequences.

Your instincts are trying to make you into an appeaser. Put yourself and your own needs first: you do not need to be messed around like this.

Yesterday you said I have realised how controlling and manipulating he is. Any contact with him makes you lose sight of this, so don't have any. Not whilst you are still vulnerable to his bullshit.

Don't, dear god, you are well rid of the manipulative toss pot!!!

To be fair, tribpot, he could well be 'in bits' - but you do just have to ask yourself what he might be 'in bits' about.

About the OP ? No - I don't think so.

About the 'relationship'? No - I doubt it.

About him and his nice little life and arrangement being disturbed by the mean other person?

Now that last one you could persuade me on.

Him being in bits is just part of the manipulation script.

If he blocks you again, you should call the police and get rid of him. It could get worse than crying and blocking you.

Yes - the police if he attempts to do it again.

Don't engage, Saffy. Just don't engage. I thought he might try and contact you after you split up with him - and for all you know, he tried to text or call you and then only came round when he couldn't get you.

Well maybe he in bits, actually. But.... would he change? Even the ones who do change usually change back once they have their feet back under the table, but he is still refusing to give you any straight answers or to recognise that you might have a point, so all a dead loss, really.