The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Waving Goodbye To Summer Nights, Sipping Mocktails.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse Welcome to the Bus. :)

Well, it would appear that Autumn is on it's way I have the heating on and can't wait to use the log burner.... shhh!

So, who are we? We're just like you. Married, single, divorced, lots of children or no children, working or a SAHM, it doesn't matter, we all breathe the same air.....

We're just trying to live our lives on the Bus, like you do each day. Well, except for one thing...

I know don't start my day with a swig, or seven, from a litre bottle of vodka (choose your poison) any longer.

And that's what has kept me here, for years now. And no doubt many more to come. Reading the stories of others struggles, wanting to say "I feel like that" or "I do that too!" but being to ashamed to be the first to put your hand up.

Well, let me reassure you here and now, there's not much that we haven't read about on here or done ourselves over the years.

We've laughed at stories of haphazard nights out, we've cried at the loss of loved ones and we've shared the pain that only an alcoholic knows when all that they want is to STOP!

Push the pause button, get off the ride, shut the door, bury yourself under the duvet for days. We've all felt that sickening feeling in our gut that makes us want to curl up and hide forever. And we've shared it all on here.

You see I don't know you and you don't know me, so we're just words on a screen to each other. Eventually, you'll get to know me more and I you, and the other fantastic Babes too, some will stay, some leave us, then some come back.

One thing I can PROMISE - here you are safe, here you won't be judged, turned away (unless you're not genuine) and we even have a huge stock of Opal Fruits but that's all down to Ma.

So, if you think we're you're kind of lovely bunch of people to help you stop drinking, slow down, hold your hand while you decide what to do, then come find a seat!

OUR MOST RECENT THREAD

AND A VERY SOBERING READ, THAT LEAD TO THE BIRTH OF THE THREADS THAT FOLLOWED

She is probably mortified that you found out. I don't know why people are sometimes false friends. It does make it very hard to know who to trust. Sorry that you had to find out the way you did but, in the long run it might be a blessing in disguise now you know what she's really like.

And remember, it's not you. She didn't have to be mean and judgemental about your choices. We all get to pick how we live, within reasonable parameters, and everyone is different that's all.

I think that's very wise words faire. Thing is we've been partners in drinking crime and neighbours so we've kind of been thrown together. I thought it was real. But it's obviously been false. Now I look back I always kind of knew she thought I was a slob / not aspirational materially and I've always thought she was a bit if a snob. It is a blessing in disguise. Just need a bit of time to pass and to politely keep out of her way til I feel I've got a bit of dignity back. Funnily enough I also agree that she will be mortified I found out. I wonder if she even remembers? People are complicated buggers aren't they? It makes me think how few friends I have that I actually feel 100% safe with and it isn't many.

There's nowt wrong with a bit of dust, says I polishing the new granite (but I know the novelty will wear off). There is more to life, sounds like you have had a lucky escape, Pop

sweet as always your totally right, I set myself up for a fall every time so I will simply do my best to do what I can, Crikey you all know me so well, thank you for being a good friend with sound advice xxxxx

pop I'm sending you a big squishy hug and tomorrow things will look better. Your ok!!!! nobody got injured, you have the love of your dp and kids and of course you have us, stay close and take it easy on yourself, We've all been there xxxxx

Ah the warmth here and the acceptance and the love.....Faire thanks for reminding us about MIFLAW and the boxing ring, it's the most powerful analogy about drinking I've ever head. Pop I hope you're feeling better today, I remember countless occasions such as the one you describe but now I hardly go out, although what I do have to worry about is talking to people on the phone pissed. Like my mum last night, who sussed I'd been drinking.

Which I had. It was my on night, so one bottle (I'm an every other day kinda gal). One moment I was floating around the room and the next feeling so bad I called the Samaritans. How do I stop for good babes? Or do I just accept I never will and it's too late? Sorry for the self-pity, reading your posts really does give me hope and I'm determined to stick around this time through thick and thin. Have a good day you lovely bunch of women x

MrsM hang on in there. How about trying two days off - today and tomorrow - and I'll be right there with you. I'm on day 2. Still feel very weird aboutvsaturday night but you lot were amazing. Didnt think this posting lark could actually make me feel like I'm amongst proper friends but it actually does. I felt very loved yesterday from a very low ebb. I think what also helps is the anonynimity of it - you can be truly honest on here about all the shit you've caused. God I'm 45 and should really know better. Onwards and upwards. Have a good day and be strong babes xx

Oh mrs, my heart goes out to you. It sounds as though you might need additional support. I can't stress enough how nightly drinking is sooo habitual, I don't think a bottle on alternate nights is a physical addiction, I suspect it's a phycological need and a habit. My own drinking went from a bottle a night to nearer 2 and as my depression got darker I went into week long binges day and night which only through good luck and family intervention and ultimately a crisis teams intervention saved my life. I drank myself unconscious many times and even had my Dad climb ladders to my first floor flat and break in to check I was still alive, I feel appalled when I think of this. I could have choked on my own vommit or had a fall!!!

Detoxing was horrendous, was so ill I was petrified I'd have a heart attack such was my anxiety and puking blood, the works.

Anyway since my bipolar diagnosis, it all makes more sense, I'm still a troubled soul but removing alcohol has been my saviour, I feel sick when I even think of myself in a binge, dirty, hysterical and utterly selfish, my point is we can all find our way "back", we can step out of the ring at any stage of the beating!!

I found changing my routine was key, eat earlier, eat healthier, I had a candle lit bath and read self help books every night. You will be tired, exhausted and emotional but the amazing thing is being AF brings benefits very quickly, it only takes a few days to start to feel better.

Maybe it's worth seeing your GP or even a private councillor to get to the bottom of "why" you keep hurting yourself this way, there is so much help out there, I was scared social services would be contacted but that's not the case, all any agency wants is to help you get better.

Your very brave to confide in us, keep posting and lots and lots of hugs for you xxxx

Morning All.

Baby I really like how well we get to know each other, and one of the reasons I said it, even though without the benefit of tone of voice or body language I was probably at risk of sounding negative, is that I recognise the impulse to go at it full pelt, and then I am more disappointed in myself than ever when it doesn't get me where I want to be fast enough.

I've been giving this trait quite a lot of thought this week (probably because of my online cbt course). One of my most impressive achievements of the last two or three years was dead lifting my body weight plus 2kg. Sounds like a small thing doesn't it?, but oh my god the buzz! 60 kg, and I have never been what you might call sporty . But I didn't just walk into the gym and do it, I worked with a personal trainer who was a wonderful combination of slave driver and cheerleader! We worked up to it over months, just half a kilo at a time, more on good days, sometimes going back a step. But, always going for the best I could do on THAT day.

And then (shameless name drop ) I met Tanni Grey-Thompson (brilliantly funny women, would fit right in here, but I doubt she has a problem relationship with anything!), who talked about building on those little steps. She was clearly an exceptional athlete, and very driven, but she approached each completion the same way; building on the day before, building up to the achievement, not going straight for it.

So, EveryBabe that's what we should aim for, our best for today

Mrs M, it is never to late. Whilst your here and your breathing, and want to make the change. Baby is right, you need to look at your routine and identify small changes that might keep you out of the ring just for an extra day to begin with.

Pop, right there with you on day two.

Where's Ma? and Mouse?

I had lots more to say, but I've gone on a bit, so I'll save it for later.

sweet that is very true and very helpful - one day at a time, one step at a time.

I like the idea/aim of trying to be the best version of myself every day. On Saturday I was the worst version of myself but in a cringey way that can serve to motivate.

So babes - this is to being the best version of ourselves that we can be, just for today.

Pop, it seems to me you were provoked. You weren't in the best place to respond, but . . .

So, what would be the best version of Pop today. Not superwoman, just the best of what you already have planned?

For the record; I have bought my Mum's Xmas present (forward planning is not usually my strong point. I bumped into my work mentor, and rather than shuffling past and emailing later, I had a conversation and made an appointment with her. I am in the process of reviewing this afternoon's lecture on Latin Music and making small tweaks to make it more coherent. Then over lunch, I will log into the CBT course and reflect on it all. Oh, and because I am AF, I can offer to drive DH home from the theatre tonight . See, all things that had to be done, but I've just gone that little bit further, because I felt up to it.

pop I'm not being dramatic when I say this bus has saved my soul many many times. There are times when we despise ourselves, real and total self loathing and when my loved ones are angry and confused and don't understand my self destructive behaviour I always always find compassion and kindness on here. It is important for us to read stories of success so we can gain hope for our own battle but it's even more important to share the stories of struggle, loneliness and despair because that shows us we're not alone, we're not weak and we're not freaks. The bravest people I've had the pleasure to share with are on here. I'm so glad your feeling better, what a difference a day makes!!!! Xxxxx

sweet I actually much prefer weights to cardio. With bipolar my mind never stops racing, chaos in my thoughts, actions and expectations, that's why I enjoy horse riding, all you think about when your galloping is staying on and working with the horse's rhythm and everything else quietens down. I think working with weights follows the same principal, complete focus. I totally admire your strength and tenacity plus your so perceptive to the needs of others and that my lovely friend is a gift. Xxx

I think anyone who types "I drink too much" into the unknown world of cyberspace leaving themselves open and bare is very brave and needs a friend and we have all found each other for a reason.

We're not alone anymore!!!

Love to all xxxxxx

best version of me today - do not drink; complete the two presentations I have to give at work on Friday, be calm and patient with the children - no shouting at bedtime, make that call to the HR pensions line, do not lose it with the control freak colleague. be kind to myself about the saturday night incident which still haunts my thoughts and takes them over every fifteen minutes or so.

and smile at a few strangers!

Love you all, good friends.

Love it babes, makes sure the strangers are virile young men xxx

Baby, that is such a lovely thing to say, thank you. Horses have never been my thing, though I can ride reasonably competently, but, the repetition of the trot is like a mantra in meditation. It's what I find in gardening - pure physicality, repetition, rhythm (albeit on a longer scale ). Now, if I could just persuade Pup, that that is what walks are for!!

Pop, are those things you would do today anyway? Make your targets doable - success breeds success - I think smile at strangers is the best one - it makes their day too.

So what's the best version of everyone else today?

Hello lovely babes new and old. I've not even been lurking so had pages to catch up on.

In a story familiar to many of you I'm sure, I went back to drinking moderately. At first. Then the amounts and frequency crept up and up until I was sinking a bottle of wine a night as a matter of course. I look shit, feel shit.

I'm back on Day 2 and already feeling better.

Big smooshy hugs to you all. It's good to be back.

APPPRRRRIIIIIIILLL lovely to see you. I'd stop and chat, but I have to lecture, then go straight to the theatre. I'm sure some other Babe will be along to hold your hand and give you {hugs}

Welcome back

welcome back April great to see you. There are a few of us on day two so thank god you are here to help us and us to help you. im at work so limited posting from me but as you mat have read I had a big drinking catastrpohe on saturday and needed the babes like never before and boy did everyone come good for me. I am now still cowed but determined. I recognise your pattenr very well. Its the long term reduction thats the hardest. I just keep building up to stupid blow outs then cutting back then building up again. I am hoping this one will give me a bit more motivation.

Hi all babes,
Have been lurking all the time, not very good at posting, I never manage to find the right supportive words to give you all - they're in my head but never seem to come out right!
Musing today as its 6 months since I stopped sinking the best part of a bottle every night. My aim then was to have 1 bottle per week max over the weekend. I haven't achieved that on many weeks but I'm still happy with my progress. The most I've had is 2 bottles per week and although sometimes that's been over 2 nights I reckon that I've not drank about 120 bottles since May.
I love the idea of being completely AF but never manage to get past day 6 (usually day4). I'm learning more about my triggers, the main one for me is definitely stress.
Anyway hope you don't mind me sharing that, and being on here, even lurking has made this possible, THANK YOU ALL!

Well done Anne that's a real achievement. Stress is one of my main triggers too. It seems to be true for so many of us April, we manage to give up for a while and then think we can moderate but are always proved wrong. I'll be there with you trying to get to day 2 and beyond! Baby, thank you for baring your soul and offering such wonderful support. I'm really glad you're in such a good place now. I did think I might have some sort of personality disorder (flying high one minute and down the next) but I've been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and I use alcohol to self-medicate.

Well done on day 2 Pop, those intrusive thoughts about the weekend will get less and less and you can just put it down to experience. At least I'm safe tonight, at home with DD, a healthy meal and catching up on some TV. And then, the best thing of all, going to bed knowing I won't wake up at 5am with a feeling of dread and self-loathing.

Jumping on the bus. If anyone in real life recognises me I beg of them not to out me.

Last Thursday I was escorted to the Doctor by my live in Partner after I had to ask him to come home from work because I was so drunk I could barely move and had nearly fucked up an important work call. I had called my best friend saying I couldn't cope and it would be easier to just give up and leave everything behind.

Together my DP and BF have been wonderful, as has the Doctor, and we are moving forward with a plan.

The Doctor almost didn't seem surprised. He was able to show where my blood results had shown high alcohol readings back to well before 2007. So all those times I lied about my intake... ridiculous.

Today I went back and got my blood results with DP holding my hand. I was so scared I was welling up. Fortunately for me I am ok. I have done no lasting damage to myself. My liver is functioning pretty well, in fact he seemed surprised himself given how much I admitted to drinking. (Daily, in the morning, all day long, some days more than others.) The DT's are reducing and I have anxiety meds to help, though I am trying not to use them due to the addictive nature of them.

This last week we reduced by half my consumption. It is now reducing again by half for the next two weeks.

Unfortunately my DP is away for 10 days from Friday which I am very afraid about, but it can't be helped, he has to go and I will not stop him. There is no one I can really ask to be with me, my BF is in another country and while I'm sure if I asked she would fly out, I don't want to ask. I don't want to ask my family. I just find it hard. I'm a very private person in many ways. I hold things in in order to appear strong. This last week has been very difficult.

I did have counselling in 2013 and it helped but was more about the breakup of my emotionally abusive marriage really. Or it ended up being since that imploded in the middle of me seeking counselling for the alcohol abuse. In the end I just ended up lying to the counsellor about the drinking. Just like I lied to everyone around me for years about the drinking. That's standard isn't it? I can be so sneaky, so deceptive. And I can drink a reasonable amount without anyone being able to even tell... I could down 2 bottles of wine and most people wouldn't be able to even notice.

Once DP is back I will be doing a medicated complete withdrawal. I'm shit scared about that. I don't see a life without alcohol. It's been my crutch since I was a teenager. But I also don't want to die like my father did, lose my wonderful DP, or my career which I have managed to excel in even through the alcoholism.

Years of infertile of course caused by my alcoholism. It's too late now I expect, though I miscarried 6 months ago so maybe not all is lost, but I'm 40 now.

So I'm jumping on the bus and asking for help and support on this journey. This is the first time I've addressed this.

I still don't see a life without alcohol. Not really. It scares me shitless. It's always been there, like a devil and a friend. I feel like I do more when I'm drinking, but I suppose that is an illusion, no?

Please can you help me through?

Oh, I killed the thread. Sorry.

battle welcome and sit down. Wow you are doing amazingly well. You probably posted whilst everyone is getting home from work and managing families etc. don't worry . Babes will be along with support and hugs. Try to take one hour or one day at a time. Don't think ahead to how long periods with no alcohol will feel right now you don't need to do that yet. You have managed to ask for help in real life and come on here to get support in place for when DP is away. I promise to be here for you.

battle first of all, well done for being brave and posting. Of course we will be here to help you through! You've made some very big steps already.

My first thought is that it must be hard to be on your own for 10 days. Is there any way you can take time off work and go with your husband? Or to visit your friend - even if it's just for a few days, it could help to break up the length of time?

Welcome Battle and thank you for sharing your story. It helps us all you know and we're here for eachother. And BTW, I managed to get pregnant at the grand old age of 41 :)

I had my second child aged 40. My sister had here at 43. She had some serious alcohol problems in her 20s and 30s.