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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiancé told me he cheated 5 years ago. What do i do?

64 replies

Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 14:25

Iv been with my partner for 9 years (childhood sweethearts) we have two children together and a mortgage. He decided to tell me two weeks ago while i was in the middle of planning our wedding which was booked for july next year that 5 years ago on his lads holiday he had sex with someone else and not just once ( and all the personal bits that come with it) iv cancelled the wedding and had kicked him out.
Im now stuck with what to do hes trying really hard and keeps pointing out how he has done nothing wrong since we had our first baby 4 years ago. He said the reason he didnt tell me was because he didn't want to lose me but has told me now because he couldn't marry me with such a big lie over his head as marriage is important.

As i said we have two children to think of but i feel sick at the thought that he betrayed me in a very big way (i also found a phone he had at the same time this happened which he used to message girls from all over and sex talk with them, that i moved on from and i found difficult but i didnt no at the time an even bigger bomb was in the middle). What would you do?

OP posts:

mrschatty · 05/09/2015 14:31

Tbh I would really wonder why he told you now. Has it made him feel better?
I would be sceptable (sp?) And wonder if he's done it because he doesn't want to get married. The Trust for me would be gone. I personally couldn't marry someone who I knew had been unfaithful to me. Even though it happened 5 years ago you've only just been told. If you'd known then would you have made different choices? I just would never trust him again. Sorry that your going through this

louisejxxx · 05/09/2015 14:31

So marriage is a big thing to him but you having 2 children with him isn't? He should have told you before you made the decision to have kids with him instead of putting you over a barrel however many years later!

InTheBox · 05/09/2015 14:34

I'd have done pretty much what you've done. You do need time and space to think about things. Do you think that this is something you can potentially move on from?
If it was just a one off I might be able to forgive but earning back the trust is a long and arduous process. Do you think you have the patience or even want to do that?

sanfairyanne · 05/09/2015 14:37

Is the phone sex thing a recent thing or from 5 years ago as well? I would also query his motives in bringing this up now :(

Original poster

Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 14:37

Thats exactly what i said he left me with no choice i now have two children in a broken home. I couldn't marry him now and eeven if i choose to move on with him it will be years. He still wants to get married he just didnt want the guilt i suppose hes more upset hes told me because of the way iv reacted but he knows me and he should of known exactly how i was going to react. I feel so heartbroken that my best friend would do that to me and lie for so many years i just dont no what to do. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 14:39

The phone sex was also 5 years ago i found the phone so he had no choice to admit what he did. That i moved on from we had been together 4 years at that point but now its 9 years i want to move on but my head is pulling back pretty hard

OP posts:

ChristineDePisan · 05/09/2015 14:41

Personally I couldn't get over this, but that's easy for me to say without facing the prospect of becoming a single parent and having my life pan out in a very different way than I had planned.

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2015 14:51

He's completely selfish and should have ended the relationship years ago if he wanted sex with other women. You hadn't been together long at that point - what was up with him that he needed to phone strangers for phone sex?

I wonder whether you would have found out about the woman he slept with - I would assume other men on the trip were playing away and one of the female partners has found out/been told about it, so he was worried you'd find out. I would not assume he told you for your own good.

Seriouslyffs · 05/09/2015 14:51

For me it would depend on whether I believed that it was all the past and whether he'd have the opportunity again. My DH is away a lot for work and occasionally with friends. If I discovered he'd slept around 5 years ago there's every reason to believe he still was. Without 100% trust, which I have, the relationship would die.

Original poster

Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 14:59

It was sexting but he liked the thrill of it he had me then he had them when i wasnt there and thats the buzz he liked. He goes away alot now too he started the army ta a year ago so now im at home paranoid. Until i found all this out i couldn't fault him at all hes an amazing dad and he was a fantastic partner always made me feel great told me he loved me everyday and how beautiful i am etc but i still cant seem to shift that the first girl that came along who he liked the attention off he got in bed with he swears it was only this holiday and hes never done anything before or after it.
As for the other lads one of his mates broke up with her long term gf for this orher girl he met (soon came crawling back to her) but all of his single mates didnt sleep with anyone just him who was in a serious relationship. My head is a mess

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 05/09/2015 15:15

I think he's a cheater and is very very likely to do it again. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But he's already been unfaithful twice and if you forgive him he'll know he can get away with it. I think you did exactly the right thing to throw him out and cancel the wedding plans. Well done for having the self respect and strength to do that. I'm sure it's hard but I think you should stick to your guns. If you want him to give you some space (instead of nagging begging you to take him back and forgive him when you're still processing things) then tell him that. Meanwhile get support from your family and/or friends. And maybe get some legal advice about separating so you know what that will involve if that's what you decide you want to do.
FWIW I think it's better for kids to have separated parents than a dad who cheats on their mum and gets away with it. They need to learn about healthy relationships and that means honesty, trust and respect.

Dowser · 05/09/2015 16:13

So sorry you are in this terrible, awful mess.

What a horrible situation.

Well done for taking control of the situation and booting him outandaboutlive cancelling the wedding.

If he's been as good as gold for 4 years and would never dream of doing that again then he should have done everything in his power to put your needs first.

Instead he's put his own needs first. Assuaged his guilt and now your world will never be the same again.

I don't know how you can ever move on from this bombshell op. absolutely devastating.

If he has never put a foot wrong in those four years and carried his guilty secret all that time then he should have carried it for the rest of his life. Why devastate your life?

Heade his choice five years agoand he should have stuck with it.
It's too late now.

I think you need to cut him loose.

Dowser · 05/09/2015 16:18

Sorry writing in the car booting him out and cancelling the wedding

He made his choice 5 years ago.

No way do I condone what he did! Absolutely not! You will never get over the sorry if he's late, if you can't reach him,if he's away...do you want to live like that?

That's the question you need to ask yourself ?

Scobberlotcher · 05/09/2015 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamscorp · 05/09/2015 16:31

I couldn't trust him
I can kind of understand his wanting to marry you with clear conscience but I wonder whether someone has threatened to tell you.
He's a liar
I'm sorry you have this to deal with

steppemum · 05/09/2015 16:33

well, I am going to go against the flow.

I think that I could forgive and move on from one mistake. I do think that people make mistakes, do stupid things they regret later etc. And for me there is a difference over a one time thing and an ongoing affair.

So I wouldn't assume this was the end and that he was a cheating bastard, but rather I would sit down and take a good long hard look at him and us and decide if this was an isolated incident or not.

I think it is quite likely that the marriage has prompted the confession if it was a one off and he has been chewed up over it since.

BUT I would have to be sure that it was a one off and that it was out of character.

The phone stuff is very worrying. It was an emotional unfaithfulness so to me would count as another woman. That makes 2 times. Which is a pattern.

My only other question would be what was going on between you at the time, if both of these were around the same time. What was going on at home? That isn't an excuse, you don't want a man who buggers off and sleeps with someone as soon as you have a rough patch, but just to get a complete picture.

Whatever you do, take as much time as you need, don't be pressured into anything.

RandomSocks · 05/09/2015 16:38

Do you suspect him of having cheated since? I think it is possible that he cheated on holiday and then felt he was stupid to have done that.

It will probably take some time for you to process the new information you have about him, and it is also possible that you will feel that you wouldn't have made the choices you made, had you known the truth at the time.

If he has genuinely reformed and has been a good dad and a loving partner over the past four years, could you think of forgiving him?

It may be a good idea to get some counselling to help you work out how you feel.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/09/2015 16:42

You must be so upset.
But I wouldn't do anything anything until you've had time to assimilate it and think about how you want things to turn out.
In terms of betrayal, it's on the lower end of the scale, in that from what you say it was finite, ie only lasted while he was on holiday and didn't carry on after that, and it doesn't sound like he was emotionally involved.
Yes, he's lied to you ( or rather didn't mention it) for 5 years, and it's understandable that he didn't want to get married without telling you the truth- that must have been a tough decision for him to make, knowing that you were likely to call it off. That's possibly a point in his favour.
I don't want to minimise your pain, but I'm wondering what was the situation between you at the time it happened. Were you pregnant, or was it before that? Were you engaged? And I'm not clear if the phone sex thing was around the same time?
I suppose what I'm saying is, that in a way could it be seen as all part of the same episode, maybe doubts and insecurities on his part at the time, which are now not part of the equation?If he has been faithful since, it might be more to do with what he was going through in his head at the time.
You're in shock at the moment, please don't make any irreversible decisions for a little while yet. It might be that you will feel able to forgive, a lot depends on what happens now, how hard he is trying, whether you feel that you can rebuild your trust in him. Maybe some sort of joint counselling might help.
I'm not at all condoning what he did, but you have had a family together since it happened, it may be that you can get through this together.

spanisharmada · 05/09/2015 16:44

I think steppe gives some very good advice OP.

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2015 16:50

I'd worry the trust is gone. Whether he does it again or bot you'll always be wondering when he's away that he's up to his same old tricks. And that will really damage your mental health, honestly.

tableanadchairs · 05/09/2015 16:51

I can see where steppe is coming from but it wasn't just the once that he had sex with someone else-so he can't claim it was a one off stupid mistake so for that reason l would be out of the relationship.

NameChange30 · 05/09/2015 16:52

Yep tableandchairs, exactly.

goblinhat · 05/09/2015 16:59

5 years ago on his lads holiday

I don't do men who do lads holidays.

steppemum · 05/09/2015 17:03

well I think I would agree with you tableandchairs, but if the phone thing was at the same time, then I would want to leave the door open to this possibilty:

And I'm not clear if the phone sex thing was around the same time?
I suppose what I'm saying is, that in a way could it be seen as all part of the same episode, maybe doubts and insecurities on his part at the time, which are now not part of the equation?If he has been faithful since, it might be more to do with what he was going through in his head at the time.

I think it is too easy to say LTB when all we actually have is a couple of paragraphs. Only the OP really knows which box to put him in.

steppemum · 05/09/2015 17:07

highlight fail, sorry

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