Fiancé told me he cheated 5 years ago. What do i do?

[Pixie1407]

Iv been with my partner for 9 years (childhood sweethearts) we have two children together and a mortgage. He decided to tell me two weeks ago while i was in the middle of planning our wedding which was booked for july next year that 5 years ago on his lads holiday he had sex with someone else and not just once ( and all the personal bits that come with it) iv cancelled the wedding and had kicked him out.
Im now stuck with what to do hes trying really hard and keeps pointing out how he has done nothing wrong since we had our first baby 4 years ago. He said the reason he didnt tell me was because he didn't want to lose me but has told me now because he couldn't marry me with such a big lie over his head as marriage is important.

As i said we have two children to think of but i feel sick at the thought that he betrayed me in a very big way (i also found a phone he had at the same time this happened which he used to message girls from all over and sex talk with them, that i moved on from and i found difficult but i didnt no at the time an even bigger bomb was in the middle). What would you do?

How have you spoken to the woman? I thought he met her on a lads holiday? So presumably she is not local? Is he still in touch with her?

Good luck

I was all ready to say that for me it would be over, but now other said he was only 19 and you've been together since you were 15, it puts a whole different spin on things.

He was obviously very young and stupid, but maybe he really did cheat then totally regret it, 19 is so young to be in a serious relationship.

I think you've don't the right thing in cancelling the wedding and throwing him out, but if you think you love him and want to give him another chance, I would. It will take time for him to prove himself to you, but I think because fo your history it's might be worth it.

Excuse the typos!

I remembered her name and found her on Facebook and messaged her and she was willing to answer anything if it helped me so she did. (she was the one who told me they used condoms)
I personally think he got way ahead on himself and got too cocky for his own good.
We have come so far and it seems stupid to lose our family for something that was 5 years ago but on the other hand it was only 5 years ago because he didnt tell me.
Other than all this i couldn't have faulted him

Before you knew about this you wouldn't have faulted him, either. That's the problem. You can't trust him now because he cheated on you and lied for five years.

I don't think his age is an excuse, either. My relationship is the same, 8 years from when we were young, including being excited 18/19 year olds. We've both been faithful. If it came out that he hadn't, I'd have be gone. It'd hurt a lot, but the cheating and lying would hurt a lot every time it meant I couldn't trust him, too.

No i probably wouldn't have faulted him before i found out he was amazing and even now i no i still dont feel like he would or has done it again or maybe thats just me clinging to false hope.

There are so many lads' weekends away nowadays, long stag weekends and weeks or even fortnights - is everyone saying no sex EVER happens on these drinkfests???

Come on...................

I would speak to him, the two of you, somewhere with no interruptions, taking as long as it takes. if you both know each other well you should know if he is lying or being truly honest.
He could just be feeling guilty and there is always the risk that someone else who was on the lads trip spills the beans.

I would be furious but if I believed it was a one off and he was now more adult and trustworthy, put it behind me. But obviously any other suspect behavior spells divorce.

I think people can make terrible mistakes, get themselves into situations and get carried away but can change, only if they want to though- you can't make them.
I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me but I think if he really regrets it it could be something you could move on from.
I would need him to sit down and tell me everything (not exactly details) but just so I had the full picture - and I think sometimes there is a difference between forgiving someone and moving on.
I think you did the right thing though, I'm sure he is devastated and now really regrets his stupid past mistakes- will make him realise what he could loose.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I am in the camp of those who could possibly forgive, but I would not be happy about any 'lads holidays' even a weekend away in the future. However if he genuinely has been faithful for 4 years and cut up about it, (only you know if you can believe him here) I don't think I could break up the family over it.
He'd have to earn your trust back though, big time.

It was five years ago - he's a different person now and has proved himself to be a loving partner and a great dad. Put the wedding plans on gold for now and work on what you have.

That's what I think anyway - it's very easy for people to say leave him. But it sounds like you would be giving up an awful lot for a principle.

On hold not gold!

Thankyou i do feel he has changed alot since when we was 19 especially when we had our first born he became a completely different person and i loved him more than ever its just a shame he didnt let me have my own choice of what i wanted to do whether it meant losing me or not. I have an awful lot to think about.
Ps he doesnt ever go on weekends away or even nights out often so iv never even jad to worry and when he did i was more worried about what state he was getting him self into

It sounds like you have a good relationship that's worth saving.

pm'd you