Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé told me he cheated 5 years ago. What do i do?

64 replies

Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 14:25

Iv been with my partner for 9 years (childhood sweethearts) we have two children together and a mortgage. He decided to tell me two weeks ago while i was in the middle of planning our wedding which was booked for july next year that 5 years ago on his lads holiday he had sex with someone else and not just once ( and all the personal bits that come with it) iv cancelled the wedding and had kicked him out.
Im now stuck with what to do hes trying really hard and keeps pointing out how he has done nothing wrong since we had our first baby 4 years ago. He said the reason he didnt tell me was because he didn't want to lose me but has told me now because he couldn't marry me with such a big lie over his head as marriage is important.

As i said we have two children to think of but i feel sick at the thought that he betrayed me in a very big way (i also found a phone he had at the same time this happened which he used to message girls from all over and sex talk with them, that i moved on from and i found difficult but i didnt no at the time an even bigger bomb was in the middle). What would you do?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 05/09/2015 17:17

Given he kept quiet for a long time, then why has he confessed now? I'd wonder if something else was to come out the woodwork.

Heelsdown · 05/09/2015 17:46

I can't help thinking that there's more to his confession than you know. You seem surprised yourself that he told you, because he would be well aware how you would react.

Something or someone has prompted this confession, and I find it hard to believe the reason he has given you is the real one.

OneBreathAfterAnother · 05/09/2015 17:50

Yep, I'm absolutely confident that the real reason for him telling you will emerge. Probably in the form of a friend or girlfriend who knows, or a secret child or something.

Unfortunately, he didn't just have a change of heart. He could have told you before he proposed or when you were planning or before you had children. He didn't. It wasn't guilt, he's lived with it for years, and he wasn't going to tell you. Which means someone else would.

It'd absolutely be the end for me. Done.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 05/09/2015 17:54

So sorry you're going through this OP Flowers Is there any chance there could be someone now and this is why he's telling you about the other ones to kind of soften the blow?

BaxterDawes · 05/09/2015 17:58

It would be the end for me too.

You won't ever be able to trust him, knowing he both cheated and concealed from you for years.

At least you found out before you married him.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/09/2015 18:04

It's too difficult to say from the info in your posts. Some cheats cheat again and again. For others it's a one off out of character act of selfish entitlement that they regret for the rest of their lives. You know better than us which end of that spectrum he's on. Maybe he's somewhere in the middle (which makes it harder).
I'm going to offer the point of view that he might take his marriage vows very seriously. Maybe he s found he cant face your upcoming wedding with this deception in his past and decided to be honest now and go forward with no secrets. Or it could be as other posters say and his hand is being forced.
Decent people do make dreadful and selfish decisions sometimes. I think how he behaves now will tell you whether you can forgive him in the future. He needs to respect uour decisions and focus on making things right for YOU. If he's all woe is me and pressures you, it's not a good sign.

Doublebubblebubble · 05/09/2015 18:12

That would be the end for me. The reason he has kept this secret for soooooooooo long and has only now admitted it, sets alarms ringing with me... Expect something else to come out of the woodwork. I wish you the best of luck hun x

BathtimeFunkster · 05/09/2015 18:29

My reading of this situation is that he has cheated on you many times, but that this holiday romance had several witnesses and somebody is threatening to tell you.

A man with a secret phone is not a one off cheater.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 05/09/2015 18:30

I think the biggest hurdle you'd have if you tried to go back is that the trust is gone. I'm not sure I could ever trust DH again if this happened to me and a relationship without trust can never be a happy one.

On the plus side, he has volunteered this information (very late in the day, but still), but that doesn't take away from the fact he did this.

Do you think you would be able to trust him again if you tried to work through it?

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/09/2015 18:31

Hmm.
True that.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/09/2015 18:31

True re the phone.

Original poster
Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 19:04

It was all done at the same time the phone then the girl on holiday. I dont feel like hes ever cheated since but this had made me dout my whole relationship with him did he have kids with me because of guilt or dis he genuinely want a family with me. I also see the phone thing as cheating even though it wasnt physical. He was 19 at the time and he said he was enjoying himself that to me is completely disrespectful id given 4 years of my life to him now 9 in all.
To everyone else i dont think he was scared of anyone telling me because his mates would die with that rather than tell me (bros before hoes and all that)

I have alot i need to figure out for me and my two girls

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 19:14

Along with Raspberry I'm wondering why now?

The wedding you're planning is almost a year away and if his conscience is playing havoc with him at the thought of tying the knot unshriven, so to speak, I find it odd that it didn't do so when you became pg with his first child or shortly after you gave birth.

I suspect there's considerably more to this than currently meets the eye and wouldn't be surprised if he's maintained contact with the ow he had sex with while on the 'lad's holiday', or if it transpires he has another child from that relationship. Do you get to see his salary/wage slips or similar and are there any deductions that arouse curiousity?

As for what to do now, there's not a lot you can do except wait to see what more comes to light. Now that the dam's begun to leak, it's probable a flood will ensue in the not too distant future.

You've invested years in this lying toad and, as it will require a superhuman effort on your part to get past his duplicity, you need to ask yourself if he's worth it? Fwiw, I don't envy you the task of having to come up with an answer to that particular question.

Original poster
Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 19:17

And we was going through a kind of rough patch too we was arguing quite alot but i didnt go and get in bed with someone like he did. He broke down in tears when he told me and hes repeatedly told me how sorry he is and that he wants us to work he doesnt want to lose his family. He said he will respect whatever decision i make but he feels we can move past it. (easy for him to say)
Before all this i used to look at my relationship compared to some others and think wow how did i end up with him he treats me and his daughters so well hes made me feel special every single day which is why this is so hard for me.

He still wants to marry me he was distraught i cancelled the wedding but to me it was the best decision i made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 19:20

As for the slut shes now married with a child and iv spoken to her they definitely Do not speak and they used condoms (the thought makes me physically sick) Yes i can see everything his phone as and when i want/ask his bank statements the lot. Hes never had anything to hide appart from that.

Thankyou for everyones opinions

OP posts:
Joysmum · 05/09/2015 19:24

Yep, not a one off.

The phone required planning and was an ongoing deception.

The holiday fling wasn't a one night stand either.

When the going got tough, he turned outside of the relationship multiple times and planed to do it.

oldaninpurple · 05/09/2015 19:31

So you two have been together since you were 14/15? If he was 19 when he cheated on you on a lads holiday? perhaps... Just perhaps he IS feeling the weight of the guilt due to your forthcoming wedding, having grown and matured over the last five years (having children does that) and come to regret his foolish cheating behaviour. I don't know as I was thinking about forever when I was 19. I'd want to know a bit more before I tried to move past this but it sounds like it's worth some discussion.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 05/09/2015 19:37

nah.
he'll do it again therefore save yourself the grief and dump him now.

Original poster
Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 19:39

Yes we was 15 when we got together and its was just under 4 years when all this happened. Iv had a feeling since this holiday that something was wrong and iv asked him so many times did he cheat and he said no then decided to tell me 5 years later its insane! To me having kids with someone is more important than marriage u can still seperate with kids you cant.
I dont no what more i can possibly ask him that i havnt already said a 1000 times.
I dont feel like hes upto anything while hes away with the army even now i no? I dont no

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 05/09/2015 19:48

To everyone else i dont think he was scared of anyone telling me because his mates would die with that rather than tell me (bros before hoes and all that)

Given how indiscreet he was about his holiday romance, it's not unlikely that more people know now and that someone who isn't a chauvinist pig is threatening to tell you.

Yes i can see everything his phone as and when i want/ask his bank statements the lot.

Well... the phone and bank account you know about.

You know he's more than capable of getting a second phone to conduct his infidelities.

Original poster
Pixie1407 · 05/09/2015 19:58

The phone thing would of been easy we didnt live together at the point all this happened in 2010 we moved in together in 2011 with our first born

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/09/2015 00:59

"As for the slut" Hmm
Look, I get that you're feeling betrayed and angry, but there's no need for that. If anyone's a "slut" it's your cheating scumbag of a partner. He probably lied to her and said he was single. If not, yes she was wrong to sleep with him, but he was more wrong to cheat on you and lie about it for so long.
I sympathise with your situation, but enough of the slut-shaming please.

TheExMotherInLaw · 06/09/2015 01:15

I agree with oldaninpurple
He was young and foolish, and he may well have grown up a lot since then.

Baconyum · 06/09/2015 01:26

No. He's cheated more than once, actively sought out other women to flirt with/cheat on you with, had a separate phone to do so therefore spending money to do so, didn't confess at the time or before you had kids, didnt consiser the health implications to you or your children (condoms mean safer not safe sex and is it only him telling you they always used them?) seems to be only telling you to either assuage his own guilt or to preempt someone else telling you.

I wouldn't stay.

ValancyJane · 06/09/2015 08:42

If it had been a drunken one night stand, that would have (while not okay) been different to repeatedly and deliberately cheating on you, which he did. I think you've done the right thing telling him to leave for now. If you decide to go forwards you could insist on counselling, but also access to his phone as the trust is gone. Like others I wonder if this confession has been prompted by one of his friends saying 'you tell her or I will'.

I'm sorry but well done you for being so strong.