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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is BU, me is DH?? Conversation today

53 replies

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:09

The background is this, 5 year old dd starts swimming lessons this morning, I was staying at home to look after other Dd. the pool originally gave me 12 noon start, then changed it to 11.30 but this was a verbal arrangement, nothing in writing. I've tried to call the pool several times to check the time is 11.30 but can't get through, their phone system is not taking calls.
Conversation went like this.
Me, if there's any problem with the times, just say that Pete confirmed the earlier start to me, he is the one who arranges all the times of lessons.
DH, I'm not waiting for half an hour cos you can't get the timings right.
Me, are you really saying you won't hang about for half an hour so dd can have lesson, you're going to come home?
DH, yes.
Me, you need to stay for the lesson
DH, don't tell me what to do.

OP posts:
MagpieCursedTea · 05/09/2015 11:12

DH sounds a bit unreasonable/grumpy. I'm sure he could find something to do with his own child for 30 mins if the class is delayed.
Is there more to this? Does he have important stuff to be getting on with? Are things strained? (sorry if that's a bit personal!)

perfectlybroken · 05/09/2015 11:14

Your dh is being unreasonable

OldBloodCallsToOldBlood · 05/09/2015 11:14

DH is being very very very very unreasonable, for sure.

It's nothing to do with you 'getting the timings right' and he'd rather make your DD suffer than slightly inconvienience himself.

He's being a wanker.

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:15

He doesn't have anything else to do today. Things can be a bit strained at times, because of incidents just like this. I find him such hard work at times, because of him being grumpy / angry / quick to shout etc. but then he gets annoyed because he feels I'm telling him what to do when I point this out and he hates being told what to do. But it really upset me, why should dd miss out on her lesson because he can't be bothered to wait. The thing is, he will wait and it will be fine, I just wish there wasn't an argument before everything.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 05/09/2015 11:15

Your dh is BU, fisrtly if the time of the lesson is wrong waiting half an hour is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, secondly, you have done all you can to confirm the time, thirdly, if the start time is incorrect coming home with your dd meaning she misses the lesson is just petty and spiteful.

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:18

He's just texted me saying the time is as we thought, and sorry for being mardy. I'm supposed to just put it behind me now, he'll be annoyed if I make a big deal out of it but to me it is a bit of a big deal. We shouldn't have to fall out over things like this, and dd left the house thinking she might not get her lesson. She didn't need to be involved in that, her little face was a bit upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:19

Thanks for the confirmation that I'm not being U. We have situations like this all the time and I often get the blame for telling him what to do, or making a big deal out of it, but I know it's not right.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 05/09/2015 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emotionsecho · 05/09/2015 11:23

So he would have waited if it was half and hour later and was just making a point and intentionally upsetting everyone?

Can you talk about it when the children are in bed, make it clear to him how his behaviour impacts on you and your children? You are right your dd didn't need to be involved in that and he needs to sort himself out and stop being a petulant mardy arse.

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:27

I organised the lessons, as they're on a Saturday, we'll take it in turns to take her. I arrange all the kids stuff, he sorts other things so that's not really an issue for me.
He would have waited half an hour, definitely, the thing with him is that a lot of his reactions are immediate, said without thinking. So his initial reaction was that he wouldn't hang around waiting but when push came to shove, he would have. He just blows up, and then thinks afterwards. Hence the apology on text. He thinks it's ok now he's apologised but it eats away at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:28

We've talked about things like this til the cows come home. At the end of the day we are very different people, blowing up and shouting upsets me and I hate the kids seeing it, but I'm a fairly relaxed easy going person and it takes a lot to rile me. He acknowledges after the event that he was in the wrong but his reactions do not change.

OP posts:
HaydeeofMonteCristo · 05/09/2015 11:30

He was being very unreasonable.

You need a sensible talk with him when everyone is calm to explain why it can't be repeated.

If it happens a lot it strikes me as the kind of thing relate type counselling could help with.

MerryMarigold · 05/09/2015 11:39

3 things strike me:

a) You need to talk about this when you are both calm, especially him. If you knew he would wait, then I would have ignored it rather than getting into a debate and realised it was just him overreacting.

b) POSSIBLY, his overreactions do come from you telling him what to do a lot. This is v hard to gauge on MN, but if he feels like this and resentment has built up, he may overreact to small situations. Are you generally a bit naggy?

c) He needs to be more self controlled in his reactions, or it will affect his children. Have a chat with him at a calm time that what he did today affected dd, and it will affect her. Try not to do it in a 'I'm telling you not to this' kind of way, but that this is how it affects her, and me, now it is your choice how to handle yourself.

scatterthenuns · 05/09/2015 11:41

I think he's bluffing because something else has annoyed him. He would stay, so send him off without second thought and let him deal with his grump on his own.

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:46

Thanks both. The thing is that it's after the event that I think, " of course he was going to stay, no problem". At the time, when he's annoyed and blaming the timings thing on me, and saying he will not wait, then I just feel really upset. A nice ok morning just all of a sudden brought into annoyance and upset. Yes afterwards I can see he would have waited but I don't see that at the time, all I have in front of me is an anopnoyed man blaming me and acting unreasonably so yes I did say something and honestly, I always do, I can't just ignore that kind of behaviour. I appreciate that may not be the best way to react to it, and it probably fuels it, but it's not my behaviour that starts it off, it's his, so why should I keep my mouth shut or walk on eggshells til he's come to his senses. It's so hard. I am aware that he hates being nagged but actually I don't nag him about anything, apart from his aggressive and angry behaviour. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:47

It's not a bluff on his part, he doesn't think it through that much, he just reacts angrily, then calms down and does the right thing. That's the really frustrating part of it, it's so needless.

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 05/09/2015 11:50

Sounds like your DH is BU unless you have form for getting times wrong and sending him on wild goose chases

30 mins really isn't a long time to hang about at a pool if the lesson isn't til 12

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:53

No I don't peacock, I think partly he's out of his comfort zone with taking the kids places as I do most of it, working part time. Being out of his comfort zone does sometimes bring out his annoyance or anger issues. I'm just tired of it.

OP posts:
Fizzielove · 05/09/2015 11:54

In our house I take the kids to whatever the lesson is so if DS has a swimming lesson I go with him and DH stays home with DD, if DD had a dance lesson then DH stays home with DS. I find that cuts out a lot of arguments plus I enjoy taking them to their activities, I get to see their progress and meet other new people! How would ur DH feel about being the parent that stays home?

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:56

Fizzle, I work part time so have had 5 years of baby groups, play dates, parties, sports things, ballet, swimming. DH works ful time so wants to take turns in doing the swimming lessons now they're on a saturday and I think that's right, the kids things can't all be down to me,

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 05/09/2015 12:55

Googlers - He still would have stayed though, even if he was angry. Because it is the right thing to do.

From now on I'd be treating him like a child and ignoring his tantrums.

NobodyLivesHere · 05/09/2015 13:17

my ex is like this and it drives me mad, he blows up, then once hes had time to actually think, he agrees with me. its just the arguement in the middle that is so draining! i feel your pain OP!

ThatDoesntMeanWhatYouThinkItMe · 05/09/2015 13:21

No I don't peacock, I think partly he's out of his comfort zone with taking the kids places as I do most of it, working part time. Being out of his comfort zone does sometimes bring out his annoyance or anger issues. I'm just tired of it.

He's scared. Anger comes from fear.

Not that that makes it okay. He needs to find a different coping strategy.

But I must admit I read your post thinking 'I do that sometimes'. But when I really analyse it afterwards, fear is always at the root of it.

Original poster
Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 13:38

Yes that definitely is part of it. But he's often like this in other situations as well. It's like his automatic instinctive response to me (and others) is to fight. He's always ready to shout even when he's calm.

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WutheringTights · 05/09/2015 13:45

His reactions are wrong, and I think you should definitely sit down with him and calmly explain the impact of his actions on DD. However, and this is not really what you want to hear, you can't control his reactions; only your own. In this scenario your reactions to DH's unreasonableness will contribute to your DD's upset. Yes, he should definitely pull his act together, but you can't make him do that. What you can do is change your reactions in order to have a happier home life. Yes, it's unfair, but you can't really do anything else unless and until he is able and willing to change. it sounds like he is fundamentaly a good person who blows up now and again. Next time walk away and see what happens next.