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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is BU, me is DH?? Conversation today

53 replies

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 11:09

The background is this, 5 year old dd starts swimming lessons this morning, I was staying at home to look after other Dd. the pool originally gave me 12 noon start, then changed it to 11.30 but this was a verbal arrangement, nothing in writing. I've tried to call the pool several times to check the time is 11.30 but can't get through, their phone system is not taking calls.
Conversation went like this.
Me, if there's any problem with the times, just say that Pete confirmed the earlier start to me, he is the one who arranges all the times of lessons.
DH, I'm not waiting for half an hour cos you can't get the timings right.
Me, are you really saying you won't hang about for half an hour so dd can have lesson, you're going to come home?
DH, yes.
Me, you need to stay for the lesson
DH, don't tell me what to do.

OP posts:

Nothavingfunrightnow · 05/09/2015 13:46

My STBXH is like this. Fortunately I do not have to put up with it anymore.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 13:48

You are right wuthering, I iust don't know if I can live life like that, always biting my lip, but I guess that's something I need to think about

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Kleinzeit · 05/09/2015 13:56

Actually you might find it easier if you turned the swimming lessons over to him altogether. Then it can be between him, the swim teacher and your DD. No reason why he can’t organise it from now on - he has a mobile phone and email access even at work, doesn’t he? Then you don’t have to talk to him about it at all. If he needs you to take DD one week he can ask you. But you have to be willing to bite your tongue and not to ask him or remind him about it, well not until your DD has missed three lessons in a row or something.

bakingaddict · 05/09/2015 13:56

I would hate to walk on egg shells all the time with a partner like yours. I just couldn't be with somebody like that, feeling stressed that an argument could loom at any moment but I guess we are all different

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 13:59

I know baking. I'm not sure that I can do it for ever either.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/09/2015 14:12

Oh he sounds like hard work!

Out of his comfort zone?

Bloody hell, how many times does he think that you have gon out of your comfort zone for the sake of your kids??

Does he do it because he hopes that you'll give in & go for him?

Perhaps it needs ignoring or "minimising" as much as possible?

So "the time has changed to 11.30"

End of discussion!

miaowroar · 05/09/2015 14:13

It's like his automatic instinctive response to me (and others) is to fight. He's always ready to shout even when he's calm.

My God how depressing is that? It reminds me of my ex to a certain extent. Could you bring yourself to just say "well, just as you like then" and walk away when he says what he will/won't do - and let him explain himself to a disappointed child?

I think he should know how his grumpiness gets you and the kids down and dampens the atmosphere for everyone. If you tell him, he might just say something about you which gets him down (can't think what, but he might) and then you would have to be seen to take that on board.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 14:19

We've talked about it a lot and he seems to acknowledge it all but doesn't change and that's really depressing. I don't think he full understands how damaging it is for our relationship as it's just normal for him. He does say things about me that annoy him but it's just niggles like I'm not tidy enough etc. I'm far from perfect by Ive analysed this a million times And have come to the conclusion that I'm
Annoying in the way that anyone is when you live with them and learn about their peculiarities, little things etc but with him he is an angry person who treats me like his enemy sometimes and blows up at me for no reason. The rest of the time he is great. I think k you're right, maybe an approach of ignoring it could work.

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 05/09/2015 14:52

Maybe try Relate or some marriage counselling, you shouldn't be the one having to moderate your behaviour because of his short fuse. He needs to deal with his anger issues if you're to sustain a happy family life

MerryMarigold · 05/09/2015 15:22

I just don't know if I can live life like that, always biting my lip, but I guess that's something I need to think about

No one is saying you need to put up and shut up, but there is a time and place for bringing it up when you're both calm. Reacting at the time, even if you are 'calm', will not help. I'm probably more like your dh, and my mum sounds a bit like you. She prides herself on how calm she is, however she just says things 'calmly' but they can be really cutting. It's still anger, and still an emotional reaction. It's just less loud. Not escalating the emotions is the hard bit.

My dh sometimes does the walk away from me thing (and sometimes engages in an almighty row), and I appreciate it when he walks away. I do tend to blow up, though I am usually not being unreasonable, just the reaction that is unreasonable! I'm sure if he sat down with me and told me how it makes him feel when I blow up, it would help me think twice next time.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 16:03

You are right. I think I justify my emotional reaction as a reaction to his behaviour, Ie I wouldn't do it if he was reasonable. But it is an emotional reaction that I need to work on.

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junebirthdaygirl · 05/09/2015 18:17

Agree with Miaow..could you find one sentence to say like...It's up to you. Then if he is a total as and brings the poor child home it will be on his head and he will feel bad. Don't engage with him when he starts the big drama just say your one sentence and sing as you continue your day. Don't rise to it and he will stop as he is only talking to himself. If he does the mean thing let it be on his conscience. It's annoying though.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 18:26

Yes you're right, thank you. I've got loads of really helpful replies here, who says aibu is not a nice place to be! ????

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GammonAndEgg · 05/09/2015 19:53

My DH can be like this but is actually a great DH and dad.

If he starts mithering I just switch off. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

So that conversation would have gone:

DH: I'm not waiting half an hour because you can't get the timings right.
Me: I'm not sure if it's right or not. They didn't make it clear.
DH: well I'm not waiting about.
Me: ok. (Knowing, like you, that he would!)

It's his drama. Don't make it your drama.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/09/2015 20:06

This sounds so frustrating. I definitely think June and Gammon's tactic is worth a try. Disengage. Don't get embroiled in the drama.

It's win because -

his anger doesn't get an opportunity to escalate
if he decides not to do it, he's the one who looks ridiculously petty
chances are, whatever needs to get done will simply get done, minus the drama and upset for you/DC.

Iamnotanumberiamafreewoman · 05/09/2015 20:24

I could have written your posts Googler. You have my sympathies. My DH is amazing in every other way but his anger at minor issues...sheesh. For us it came to a head last year when I told him I was having doubts I could continue our marriage. Like you described, the small and not so small incidents were just leaving me unhappier and unhappier. Luckily, he took that on board and went to counselling (alone). It has really helped him to understand why anger is his default response and start to change things.

Of course it still happens - and I'm not perfect by any means - but it feels like we are working as a team again and are more understanding of each other's point of view.

If you love him and want to continue the relationship, do you think laying it out for him and counselling would work for you? Good luck.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 21:07

Thanks. All makes perfect sense, I will try to disengage. i am not that sounds so similar, I'm glad your she took it seriously and has changed his approach. I will talk to dh And see if he will be willing to try counselling. I think it would help him as well as me, after all it can't be nice to be on the verge of angry all the time

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Scoobydoo8 · 05/09/2015 21:07

You could try shouting back. Though not if DCs are around. But yelling FFS don't be so petty, or similar let's him see what it's like to be shouted at angrily - v unpleasant for anyone. As it never happens to them I doubt they realize.

My DH totally denies that he is speaking in an unpleasant or angry tone of voice. Infuriating but I think I am getting through to him.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 21:07

Dh not she!

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Original poster

Googlers123 · 05/09/2015 21:09

That's interesting scooby. I do agree that dh never gets shouted at out of the blue and doesn't realise what it's like. I wonder if that would just escalate things though.

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Iwasworried · 05/09/2015 21:18

He sounds like a bit of a shit I'm afraid.

If you think he's worth persisting with I'd do the calm and serious convo as other posters have said, and then if he started going down that road again at any point I'd just say quietly and firmly 'you're doing that thing which we talked about again' and not engage beyond that.
If he persisted in trying to have a pop at me beyond that, I'd be seriously reappraising the relationship tbh.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 06/09/2015 07:36

Sadly, the argument is still going on today. I've tried to explain to him that his reaction was extreme in that he blamed me and threatened to bring dd back. He disagrees, says it's not extreme, that why should he lay down and let people make mistakes that he has to deal with and that I should be more understanding. He is now just angry with me for calling him on it. Agh, he is impossible.

OP posts:

thehypocritesoaf · 06/09/2015 07:43

Dh can be an arse like this.

He would have apologised too.

It's just bizarre that their first reaction is a fighty blamey one, right?

Dh is under a lot of stress at work- since he's been seeing a counsellor things are improving. Would your dh consider that? (When he's in a better mood I mean!)

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 06/09/2015 08:00

Maybe you should ask MN to move this to relationships.

Original poster

Googlers123 · 06/09/2015 08:03

Yes I will ask them to move it, thanks

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