Yep. My father was physically abusive too but it started with the emotional abuse just like this. One night at family dinner when I was 13 and my sister was at uni, he decided to spend the entire meal talking about what a difficult kid I was (I wasn't - ask my mother, teachers and any other adults who dealt with me, they loved me), how much he needed to smack me when I was a kid, and laughing about the whole thing. He recounted endless stories of smacking me as a child, laughing and laughing his sorry arse off at how funny it was. His favourite was the time my sister and I were arguing in the car (I remember this incident) and he pulled over to pull me out and smack me around, and that was the most hilarious of all. Bear in mind there was no argument going on, this was just his idea of pleasant dinner conversation.
Finally, with tears in my eyes, I asked him whether my sister had been better than I was. He pulled a dramatic eye roll, then said, "Yes." My mother gasped, I burst into tears, and he got all high handed and stated, "Some questions shouldn't be asked. She asked."
Remember - I was 13.
From that night on, things were never the same and it escalated to full on physical abuse where I was slapped across the face and head, kicked, punched in the mouth and threatened with all sorts and called every vile name under the sun every time we had a row, which was frequent. Once, in absolute terror, I threw my hands out to defend myself. Must have made contact of some kind because he suddenly stopped, then told me that if I ever touched him again he would kill me, he had knocked grown men down before and would use the same force on me.
I once read a letter he had sent to a cousin during this delightful period. He presented himself as a lovable, gaffe prone, bumbling dad type. He spoke about my sister in glowing terms, and then to me. "Sheba is 16, which age should be illegal. Naturally I can't do the right thing, everything I say is wrong, but unlike Sheba I am not young enough to know everything. Hi ho, teenagers, eh?" (A few months later my mother had to leap between us when he ran at me with his hands out, most likely to strangle me.)
And it all started with those sorts of comments. I'm cynical enough to wonder if you were physically abused too but not ready to share that yet. I'd understand 100% if so.
I'm sorry for your experiences, OP, and I'm also sorry if I took over your thread. I just get so angry hearing about this kind of thing because I know how damaging it is, and how little notice is given to it. And I definitely understand the feeling of 'well if my own parents feel this way....'
It is NOT your fault, OP. You probably won't come to believe that genuinely for a long time, but keep telling yourself that because it's true, and keep acting like it, and don't keep company with anyone who suggests otherwise. This is another reason why I'm really starting to discard guilt in general as a pointless emotion - funnily enough I just made a similar comment elsewhere. There are just so few instances that I've seen where it's been felt appropriately AND responded to constructively. Mostly it seems to be vulnerable people blaming themselves for someone else's actions, or self indulgent idiots who think if they bang on about it enough it absolves them from having to do anything to change their situation. What is the point?
Fuck you Dad. No I'm not visiting your fucking grave this year unless I can piss on it.