Do lots of emotionally abusive parents do this?

[ArabellaBoo]

I am NC with my parents now but I was talking about this with DH yesterday an just wondered if anyone else had the same experience.

My younger sister was/is always the golden child and I wasn't liked at all by my parents.

From an early age they always told me I was naughty, difficult, nasty, evil, hard to get along with, weird. When actually looking back I was nothing of the sort. Even as a small child I would say something totally normal and innocent and would be told 'Oooh you're a nasty piece of work'. They would always refer to what a difficult baby and toddler I was, when it sounds like I was just a normal baby and toddler.

As a teenager, they made out that I was badly behaved, rude, nasty, calculating, etc, when I wasn't a bad teen at all.

I was always told that if anyone was horrible to me I deserved it, even when I was bullied at secondary school.

I grew up thinkng that I must be an awful person as clearly even my own family didn't like me.

They also always painted me as a naughty, nasty child to other family members and to family friends.

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

FolkGirl

Folkgirl please don't think like that.

Folk Please do start a thread, so we can support you.

I could have written a lot of your posts folkgirl. It was something of a disappointment that I woke up this morning tbh. I'm not having a good few days at the moment but I'll paper on a smile soon.

I haven't seen my siblings in years, I avoid the rest of my family (who I don't really blame, it's not their fault but they're nice, normal people and I'm not) because exactly like Arabella, my family was roped in to laugh at me, and listen to a list of my faults and awfulness. It's ridiculous of me but I can't connect with them now. I'm such a failure.

I never told my parents about the years of bullying at school because I knew they wouldn't help and just feared they'd laugh at me, tell me I probably deserved it and use it to humiliate me once more.

So for anyone who sees themselves this way, I'm sorry, and I understand.

See Peppa, that's exactly what I mean. Your family abused you, and you feel the failure is yours.

It's not. I know it won't really feel that way for a long time, but it is not. A wise man once said, "If you were going for a picnic, you wouldn't choose to sit by the only pile of dog shit." Take the same approach with your family. There is a huge difference between someone telling you kindly, nicely, privately, that they think you are doing something self destructive and beneath you because they love you, and people just abusing you. Even if you did do something wrong, which I highly doubt, the way to handle it is not to humiliate you at family gatherings.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

If you can take yourself out of the situation and look at it as if one of your closest friends was being spoken to or treated that way. What would you say to your friend to offer support?

I can't recommend therapy highly enough.

Restructuring one's own self concept is entirely possible with the right support.

In may ways, my life has turned out better than the golden child sister. Even though I was driven to a suicide attempt, she ended up in prison, and still doesn't really get why she is so disliked by so many.

I don't really care much any more. This is about ME now. Those people can get their own therapy any time they choose. They just don't choose, as it's always someone else's fault.

Sad.

Sorry sheba I don't really understand your post, am pretty thick too Nobody ever told me anything kindly and privately. I'm sorry, I think I've not written my post very well. My parents would tell the rest of my family how awful I was, I was something of a joke.

Also I don't really have close friends so I can't really relate there either. But I think I would say 'keep away from those people, cut them off forever' which is pretty much what I've done.

Bloody good for you, queenoftheknight.

I'm really happy to know things are good for you now. (where's a 'like' button when you need one?!)

The visual trappings of my life are good - I'm intelligent, not entirely unattractive, I'm solvent, got a good career where I can make my own choices, plenty of savings, nice house, got a law degree last year.

But I can't keep relationships. Hence 47, no kids, never married, no real close friends.
In the dumps at the moment as relationship falling apart, and noone to turn to. Not a single friend I can phone for a chat, or pop round for a glass of wins, of meet for coffee. I've just never worked out how to be close to people.

Peppa, you're not thick, if you don't understand what I've said then I haven't explained it properly.

I'm saying that you are very damaged by your family and you think that their failings are somehow yours. They are NOT. Let's say you did do something wrong and they wanted to talk to you about it (you didn't, but this is hypothetical). The way to handle it would not be to humiliate you and put you down in a public setting. They have destroyed your self esteem and damaged you but you must tell yourself every day that it is NOT YOUR FAULT because it isn't.

Read this back to yourself: "My family was roped in to laugh at me, and listen to a list of my faults and awfulness. It's ridiculous of me but I can't connect with them now. I'm such a failure."

Your family humiliated you and put you down in public, and this is ridiculous of YOU? YOU are the failure?

I haven't worked that out either. You can talk here if want - start a new thread in relationships?

It's ridiculous of me, Sheba, that I can't get past it now - I'm well into my 40s! My extended family, who weren't abusive, thought it was a bit of a laugh because they were all more robust and functional and normal, and indulged in good natured, harmless, leg-pulling, wouldn't know what they contributed to. Also my parents would moan about the hardships of dealing with a child like me, and rest would sympathise because they are nice kind people. I think my parents were at fault for creating this myth that I was a total demon, the others weren't at fault at all, I don't blame them. I'm not saying I was an easy child by any means tbh, I just don't think I was as vile as my parents thought.

Sorry, it's me that's not explained that well.

I think abusive parents belittling their children in this way, in front of wider family, and friends/neighbours/the schoolyard etc, is probably common. I think it sorts of martyrs the parents, sets an accepted truth that a child is difficult, then if the parents are seen/heard having a go at the child, it's known that the child is a PITA so it's OK. Likewise the parents' friends now 'know' the child is hard work, so they are less tolerant of the child and pay little attention to the child's feelings as clearly the child deserves to know that their behaviour (or they themselves) are not acceptable - and this is done with a bit of teasing and fun poking. Or maybe by being a bit stricter, anticipating said child needing a strong hand.

Also I don't feel guilt really, I just know I'm a bit weird and odd and sort of the black sheep of the family who one is obliged to invite somewhere, or include, when actually you'd rather not because I make you feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer I wasn't there. But you are a nice person and would feel bad for not inviting me, so you ask me along.....hoping I say no.

I've just never worked out how to be close to people.

No same here. I end up either coming across as needy, oversharing or distant. It doesn't matter what I do, I don't seem to be able to get it right

This is a textbook narcissist (in the clinical sense) move with kids yes. DH's parents did this to him, the fuckers. He is an extremely successful plastic surgeon, he's good looking, 6 incredible children, warm, loving, caring, everyone wants to be his best mate kind of guy, hot wife () but yet, his self esteem at it's core is still terrible. He's had a lot of therapy and day to day he's brilliant, but he still has his bad days. It's a horrible legacy to burden your child with.

His fuckhead sister on the other hand, is still little miss sunshine out the arse is a deeply, deeply unpleasant and unsuccessful human being. He doesn't speak to his direct family anymore after they repeatedly tried to get money off him (funny how they started being nice once he was rich ) but hears about them through other, nicer family. The black sheep/scapegoat is always the more sensitive and "nice" child, I believe it's to oppress them into line as the parents sense they will be the one to rally against the bullshit. It's horrible, I'm so sorry they treated you like that. Sorry for the rant, I loathe when people do this

I have name changed-not worried about outing myself but don't want to out my family.

OP (and others). I don't think this is unusual,sadly. A lack of understanding about normal childhood behaviour and parent's own poor coping skills can lead them to start " moaning" about a young child and then a whole knock on effect starts.
I have come to understand that as a result of my own inadequacies I have probably made my daughter feel like this. It wasn't my intention but I have caused hurt. I am glad you have supportive people in your life and know that you are not a bad person. I don't want to de-rail this thread so I think I may start my own thread when I have thought about it more.

You are not ridiculous, Peppa. Parents are supposed to be the only people who should protect and look out for us no matter what, whose love is supposed to be unconditional. It is hardwired into us to want their approval. We look to them from the moment we are born to be an example and a guide on how to behave. So when the message we get from them is 'you are faulty', it's impossible not to be damaged by that.

Sometimes it can be healed, sometimes it can't. Going NC definitely seems the path of least pain for you. There'll be no perfect solution but whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Your family failed you terribly.

littlered how brave of you to admit to having hurt your daughter by falling into those negative parenting traps. I too worry that I was too swift to paint ds as "difficult" - mainly due to dp drilling it into me. Well - no fuckin more. We can pull ourselves back from the brink. We will not go from victims ourselves to perpetrators. It's a constant struggle. You'll have sympathetic ears here should you start a thread apropos.

Btw I told dp I'd leave him if he didn't soften towards our Ds. He has but he too was a victim of abuse and it's not easy but we are WINNING.

My mother did nothing but criticise me and still does. However, although I have spent years of feeling hurt and rejected; and I have a long history of clinical depression, I have come to the conclusion that it is not her fault. I honestly believe she is on the autistic spectrum and has little empathy. Therefore, she is inadequate and knows no better. I see her but my contact with her is limited because I find it stressful being with her.

I'm nearly 50 and I'm sure I have deep problems with attachment. I have not had a relationship for years and have come to the conclusion that there is something in me which will not allow a long lasting relationship. It is a shame but I try to focus on the positive things in my life such as my children - I have a very good and close relationship with them. I'm not a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination but I have consciously been affectionate towards my kids and made sure that I praise them lots. At least I know what NOT to do!

Sheba you are wise and kind.

I think you're very brave too, littleredhen2. You might not have done what you worry you have done, and your daughter might see things differently than you. It's not too late to change, or have a conversation, or apologise.

hope you and she are both OK

Unfortunately I think I have done this and she has asked me not to contact her again. If I do I might be giving her more stress and disrespecting her wishes. If I don't I seem not to care. If I involve anyone else I am making them into a "flying monkey". I am filled with regret and I know my daughter comes on Mumsnet so I don't want to upset her by saying too much.

Hell yeah OP, I identify with you and I was an only child!

(BTW there's nothing wrong with being an only child per se)

Yes op, my mother was the same and my father stood back and allowed her to do it to me.

My brother was the golden child, my mothers two eyes. Me? I was difficult, blamed for everything, messy, never did enough around the house, was ugly ( I have an eye condition) fat, didn't 'make the most of myself' the list goes on and on. I was thrown out at 17 as I'd got myself a boyfriend and my mother couldn't bear to see me happy, enjoying myself as teens do. Looking back she ramped up the abuse as I went into my teens, partly as she felt she as losing control of me as I was growing up
Throughout all this crap, she steadily fell into alcoholism which made it all much worse, soon came the screaming, crying matches, the drunken phone calls being nice one minute, nasty the next. My mother was clever at keeping me on my toes, I never knew how she was going to be. I became good at reading her moods. My father continued to enable her and the situation for an easy life. I went NC with her 2 years ago after I got to the end of my tether with her. My home life with my husband and children was starting to be affected as I ised to get so wrapped up in it all. She died from her alcoholism 10 months ago.

From this I've realised I've become a people pleaser, I also get really upset if I don't think people like me. I'd rather leave a hobby, group or social event if I think someone doesn't like me which it ridiculous. I wish I could adopt the attitude of 'sod them' but I cant. I sometimes wonder if counselling would help. My mind is often full of conflicting thoughts. Was my childhood that bad? Other people had it worse than me so what am I getting upset about?

My relationship with my brother is great, I recognise that my mother was the one with the problem, it's not his fault - he knows he was treated differently and feels sorry for it. It's continuing now as my father met someone very quickly after my mother died and this woman has tried to come between my father and my brother and I. My father has allowed it to happen with me but despite my brother having the same argument with my dad, my dad speaks to him but he's cut me out of his life. Rejection all over again. I've never, ever been good enough all my life. What a shit way to treat your kids. I have sworn to never, ever treat mine like it.