Do lots of emotionally abusive parents do this?

[ArabellaBoo]

I am NC with my parents now but I was talking about this with DH yesterday an just wondered if anyone else had the same experience.

My younger sister was/is always the golden child and I wasn't liked at all by my parents.

From an early age they always told me I was naughty, difficult, nasty, evil, hard to get along with, weird. When actually looking back I was nothing of the sort. Even as a small child I would say something totally normal and innocent and would be told 'Oooh you're a nasty piece of work'. They would always refer to what a difficult baby and toddler I was, when it sounds like I was just a normal baby and toddler.

As a teenager, they made out that I was badly behaved, rude, nasty, calculating, etc, when I wasn't a bad teen at all.

I was always told that if anyone was horrible to me I deserved it, even when I was bullied at secondary school.

I grew up thinkng that I must be an awful person as clearly even my own family didn't like me.

They also always painted me as a naughty, nasty child to other family members and to family friends.

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

littleredhed you must leave her alone if that is what she has asked for. If it means anything at all, I know you are not my mother because she lacks the insight, self reflection or compassion to have reached that conclusion.

sillybilly it is a common misconception that people with asd don't experience empathy. They do. Some people with asd find it difficult to process their feelings of empathy and can't manage how it makes them feel and some people don't know what's expected of them in terms of emotional response.

Of course, some people's with asd lack empathy, as do some neurotypical people. But it is inaccurate to assume that a lack of empathy is a trait of asd because it isn't.

I'd rather leave a hobby, group or social event if I think someone doesn't like me which it ridiculous.

I would too. And I have just done it Shocking how many similarities there are

Posting this link www.emotionalgeographic.com/blog-1/2015/8/11/parents-corner-the-courage-of-parenting-with-a-history-of-trauma

for all of you especially folkgirl and timeou

Theres comfort in knowing you're not alone and sadness in that this type of thing is so bloody common

Thank you. It's an interesting read. I recognise that I'm probably TOO easygoing as a parent, thankfully my children don't appear to be taking advantage of it but it's a direct reaction to the fact that really, deep down inside I feel I ca be too critical at times too. I constantly stop it.

Reading this I think I had a very small bit of this effect. My mother was grand but unfortunately my gm came to live with us when I was six and my mother had to go out to work. So definitely not the same, but gosh my grandmother certainly made it plain that I was a difficult and annoying child

And I have similar feelings of avoiding anyone who I feel may not like me

Just a thought, though. Isn't it 'normal' to avoid people you think don't like you?

Not if you think you have self-worth outside of them liking you, feel a cool detachment that, actually, how other people feel about you is only a little bit your business (so avoid rudeness or bullying), and if there are other people in the club, social group, work place etc who so like you, then you have as much right to stay there as they do.

If you were part of a social group (like an nct group, say) and there was one person there you don't really like very much, nothing bad, just don't click with, would you think they should leave the group to keep you happy or are they entitled to enjoy being in the group just as you are?

Sadly it's very normal
My dad used to just let it happen too and he was a great guy. Things came to a head one night, I shouted back. I can still see the look of horror on her face. I was 11, it was the night before school started after the summer and she sent me to find my PE bag - not my brothers who were allowed to watch the TV program we all liked. I couldn't go back to the TV til I found it. I tore the room apart, moved every piece of clothing - it was the laundry cupboard under the stairs. All the while she sat just out of sight berating me, I was lazy, I never looked properly, if only I'd put it away at the end of school (it was the dirty laundry cupboard, therefore she hadn't washed it) why wasn't I like my brothers, I was such a wicked lassie, if my friends at school knew what I was really like they wouldnt be my friends, what had she done to deserve me as a daughter, if I came out with out it she give me a good hiding and make me sleep there.
On and on she went.
I felt the pressure just building up in me, I was crying, quietly because hearing me cry made her worse, then it just exploded out of me 'I've looked and I can't find it!' And I stormed out, stomped passed her and sat down with my brothers to watch the TV. I was fully expecting the good hiding, but it didn't come. She did stop the 'good' hidings around then, but the verbal abuse was horrendous. Even when I was being bullied and beaten up at school, she said she knew how aggravating I was and it was my fault.
I had a wonderful best friend she still liked me. I lived in constant fear that they'd find out just how evil I was and take that friendship away. Even her mum tried to find ways to help, but what to do?? My mum was a 'nice' person, my dad a great guy etc. They treat me like one of their family. They pretty much saved me from killing myself, I realised I wasn't evil and I didn't have to turn into 'her'.
I found a boyfriend at 15, was pregnant at 16 and left home as soon as my boyfriend got a flat. You'd think she'd be pleased to get rid of me by then as I was such an evil wicked person, nope, she fabade me to move out and my dad got the belt out. My boyfriend arrived right as my dad took the first swing. Lots of shouting later and we left. My mum even rang my boyfriends house to speak to me to tell me I had to go back!!
Looking back, I can see it was her not me, it still hurts, because it must be my fault - I know it's not.
I know it's not 'normal' to avoid people you think don't like you - I think everyones 'normal' is different, so what is normal? When someone delights to hurt you, you stay away from them, even if it is your mother!
I'm NC with both my parents, but it was their request. Sending them gifts at Christmas, birthdays, etc was an inconvenience. I was gutted by it, because part of me is that little girl who just wants to be loved. Sending lovely things was my way of hoping they'd see I wasn't a wicked lassie, I could do good things. Now that is messed up!
It's my birthday this week, I know I won't even get a Facebook post from them. But it's their choice, it's my choice to see all the marvellous, wonderful things in my life! They're missing out so much, but I think that's the way my mum wants it, then no one can take my dad away from her, no one can see how 'evil' she is. Someone had to have told her that right?? Very sad.

I don't want to say too much but need to get this off my chest.
I was a mistake, when Dsis came along I was 13 months old, I apparently, out of spite and jealousy, deliberately pooed my nappy and made the room stink. Sure, of course I did it on purpose obviously not.
Throughout my life I have been called the jealous, mean,spiteful naughty one but in reality I have never been like that.
Once The Golden Child Dbro who could never put a foot wrong came along Dsis was labeled the same as myself and DM would thrive on us falling out as children just so she could tell people how bad we were..nothing has changed.
I would go nc with her if it weren't for DF.
I feel physically sick if I ever accidentally make someone else feel bad.

Like frizzynoidles I can be a bit needy around older women due to my difficult relationship with my mother. She idolises my difficult dsis. I stood up to my mother and was no contact for two years after I had my first child. I think I couldn't get my head around how she treated me when I had a child myself. Anyway my sister disowned me after the no contact episode but my mother had an epiphany and apologised in a letter. The relationship is much better. She no longer treats me like rubbish but my sister continues to hate me. My father kept quiet for a quiet life but he admitted to me that my sister was always the favourite with my mother. What can you do. I've never had therapy and have just about come to terms with what happened. I only had one child myself though and this was a factor.

It is shit. My mother blamed me for her divorce from my dad because I was so difficult.

The reality is that I was top of the year in most subjects, played 3 instruments, was in the school band, orchestra, choir and the annual show. i never even had a detention. I rarely went out and I never lied about where I was going. When all my friends went to get into a notorious club in town at 17, I went home. Didn't drink, was a virgin till I was nearly 20... I was not a wayward child. But I was bright and I did challenge and question and I was desperately unhappy and sufffered from depression and probably 'tantrummed' until well into my teens just through the sheer frustration of not being allowed to do anything and knowing I wasn't loved; that nothing I could do was good enough.

She called me the "bitch who drove your father into the arms of another woman". Because I was such a difficult, unloveable child.

I married a man I didn't love and who I knew didn't love me because I thought that if she believed someone loved me, she might look for something in me that she could love too. But she didn't.

Folkgirl there is no way that your parents' failed marriage was your fault. Is it possible that your mother was envious of your achievements? Unfortunately our parents are flawed as we all are as humans. The damage occurs when they are not mature enough/ decent enough to put being a loving parent first. It's not your fault - it's their fault.

I feel physically sick if I think I have upset someone

So do I, so you can imagine how I feel reading through this thread knowing the difficulties in my relationship with my daughter stem from a dynamic that began with me and realising how she might feel.

My mother had an epiphany and wrote to me

I have had a gradual epiphany and tried to be different but it is only now that my daughter doesn't want contact that I am seeing the whole thing with clarity. When I was in the middle of things I didn't fully understand how I was hurting her. I can now see that when she was sometimes snippy and angry with me it was because of me and the past-not because she was "difficult".

What would those of you who have gone NC really want your Mum to do?
Would you prefer her not to contact you ever again?
If they had a genuine agenda to apologise and work towards healing would you want them to give you space and then write to you?

I realise it has to be what is best for her-even if NC is very painful for me.

Also grandchildren. I have been very involved with them. I don't want them to think I have forgotten them-birthdays etc but don't want to appear to use them to pressurise my daughter. I saw someone on here who is actually NC saying she would be saddened not even to get a birthday text. What to do?

I am not going to post any more about this as it smacks of trying to communicate indirectly through Mumsnet but I do think all you daughters who have experienced hurt from your parents are the best people to offer advice.

My own Mum could be critical and controlling but in a different way. She would never have apologised for anything.
What I have done is less intentional, more subtle and probably worse.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl I beg to differ! My son has ASD so I know a lot about it. Yes, ASD people do have empathy, for example, my son feels compassion for people in obvious distress and need. However, he can not tell when he is seriously pissing people off. My mother is the same. She is unaware that her stupid comments upset people. I am not anti ASD people - how could I be in my situation? However, ASD people do lack empathy and the diagnostic criteria takes their empathy level into account.

What I am trying to say is that my mother is incapable of recognising how her actions affect others. That is not her fault but it is very unfortunate and distressing for those close to her.

Can I just give a big squeeze to each and every one of you on this thread and direct you to the amazing Stately Homes thread too? I've not posted there myself yet (not ready yet) but have read many of the amazing posts of encouragement, support and wisdom there. There are some very helpful links there too which are helping me unpick what's happened in my life.

Stately Homes

Sorry, I should also say that she displays a lot of other ASD traits too. I'm not going to go into it all here though!

"No-one will ever love you, because if the way you are."

Those words at eighteen have blighted my life and relationships ever after.

I too was blamed for the breakdown of my parents' marriage.

In the end both parents went NC with me because I had ruined their lives and shown no remorse.

Twenty seven years later I still don't understand what they meant and they maintained control by rebuffing any attempt to discuss their decision. Any approach, however gentle, was deemed "cruelty".

littlered have you tried saying sorry? In person with no qualifying comments or self justifications?

Please So they told you that you ruined their lives but wouldn't offer any explanation? You are probably best off without them.

Yes total emotional abuse. I totally relate to you. I had nothing but open contempt or indifference from my DM and it leaves a huge scar. I now realise she didnt really want children as she hadnt grown up herself and had terrible issues about being adopted and not bonding with her adoptive mother. I still find it hard to believe people would like me let alone love me as you think if the one person in the world who should love me doesnt, then I must be awful/unloveable. You have to realise its their weakness to put others down to make themselves feel more superior/bolster their own crap self esteem & issues galore. Its easier to pretend you are the problem and project it onto you and make you a handy scapegoat. Realise its made you stronger and a nicer person than they will ever manage to be ie. I 'get' others emotional issues because I know how it feels to be sidelined , fearful and alone, its scary but now I realise its made me independant, brave and kinder.

littlered what do I want my mother to do? I am NC contact with her. I want her to leave me alone.

I'm not stupid, I know that she won't have 'forgotten' my birthday. But I don't want a card/text from her. I would consider that to be hugely offensive tbh; that she was not respecting me even now.

She sends the children cards, but they are not welcome. The children know she sends them, but she is not supposed to, she is supposed to leave us alone to live our lives as peacefully as possible in spite of the damage she has caused. She has impacted on my happiness, my mental health, my ability to form relationships and have a proper life. I suffer from anxiety because I constantly fear being 'told off' and being humiliated. I have very low self esteem and no confidence because everything I learnt about myself and the world growing up was underpinned by knowing I was worthless. Actually worth absolutely nothing. Every day that I wake up is hard because of her legacy. I cannot afford the type or duration of therapy it would take to put it right. So this is it now. For the rest of my life.

The difference in my case may be that my mother didn't love me. She was quite open about that, so she won't ever apologise. It will anger her that I went nc, because she is not in control of it, but it won't upset her.

But your daughter won't have made the decision to go nc lightly. This is about her now and not you.

I don't want anything from my mother other than for her to respect my wishes and leave me alone.

silly fair enough, I just get fed up of it being trotted out on here by people to explain every incident of shitty behaviour!

little - if she would only say 'You know what Millions, I'm so very sorry. Do you want to chat about it?' and then LISTEN, and not say 'well, that's because you did x y z, if you hadn't then it wouldn't have happened' or 'What about all the good times you had'.
I've tried several times to speak to her about everything, but it just gets turned back onto me or flat out denied. No she never dragged me out of my bed by the foot, then down the stairs then smacking me with her slipper as I tried to crawl away from her. At least my dad intervened when I made it to the far corner some 20 feet away. At least throwing me into the cold outside toilet, in the dark, with the spiders ended that assault. I was 7. Sadly, it wasn't the 'only' time.

millions

I only got threatened with the cold dark spidery garage. "With the spiders"

I was locked in the small porch in the freezing cold or blazing heat for the neighbours to see the wicked child my parents had.

And there was the time my mother locked me in the back garden in a nightie, barefoot when there was frost on the ground.