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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure where to turn...

60 replies

Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:20

Long story short, with my boyfriend since may, it's all moved extremely quickly, as in going on holiday (I paid), he wanted me to go and visit his parents in October (he is European). It has been a tempestuous relationship, culminating in this evening (after me making dinner) in him telling me I am an alcoholic because I had half a glass of wine out of his two bottles and jokingly said he couldn't drink all my beer... And him telling me I am stupid and irrational when I tried to explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. Him shouting over me when I tried to talk. Him kicking the furniture repeatedly whilst swearing at me when it's a rented flat. He earns very little, to the point that I pay for everything. His jealousy and possessiveness are off the scale. To the point where I am scared to have my phone on normal incase it rings and IT might be (shock horror) a male... Most probably a work colleague... Sorry, I know this all sounds mad and I sound like an idiot, but j have literally just ordered him to leave, after he told me I was lucky that he kicked the sofa the other night and not me... Just feeling rather fragile and annoyed with myself for being upset. Sorry.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 04/09/2015 23:23

You cannot stay with this man
His behaviour will escalate

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/09/2015 23:23

3 months into a relationship you should be still very much in the getting to know you stage
What possessed you to move so fast?
This is a horror show of a non relationship. Please DTMFA.

ChilliAndMint · 04/09/2015 23:27

Are you for real? Tell him to sling his hook.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:27

I know I know. Just feeling a bit scared and worried right now, as he is pretty mental, and not wanting to out myself but the job he does coincides with my hobby, which means I will risk bumping into him at least four times a week... God I feel so stupid and pathetic right now. And also physically shaken...

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 04/09/2015 23:30

Well next time it probably will be your head if you ever let him back in. So please don't!
If there's stuff he needs to pick up, make sure you have someone there with you. Leave his stuff out side and don't let him in.
Don't 'talk about it' with him - there's nothing to discuss.

Massive hugs. At least you found out early on.

robthroop · 04/09/2015 23:31

You need to get rid of him and make sure you don't see him for a couple of months. Change your routine so you don't bump into him.

FunFunFunInTheSunSunSun · 04/09/2015 23:32

It's only been a few months, get rid! This should still be the honeymoon period of excitement. You shouldn't be putting up with jealousy, possessiveness, insults, threats, free-loading and controlling behaviour.

If this is what hes like now, what is he going to be like further down the line?!

Please bin him. It will hurt for a few weeks. You WILL cry, you'll miss him and you'll feel shit... But it will pass, time really is a great healer and you'll feel better and get over him. And then you'll realise you did the right thing because you're worth better.

category12 · 04/09/2015 23:32

Better than running into him 24/7.

Be prepared to get the police involved. Protect yourself. Don't convince yourself you're overreacting. End it and keep safe. Tell people.

NanaNina · 04/09/2015 23:33

Surely you can give your hobby a rest so that you won't bump into him. Getting away from this abusive man is a must - unless you want to wait for him to beat you up, or worse. You say he is pretty "mental" - do you mean you are afraid of him. If so, take yourself out of the situation, out of the flat, stay with family/friends/hotel - anywhere. Keep safe.

I'm sure you're physically shaken - it's hardly surprising. Maybe he will go back to his home country. Doesn't really matter so long as you get him out of your life.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:34

He has just rung me and left me a message saying I am lucky it was the sofa he kicked and not me... Oh god, I really know how to pick them don't I? And regrettably I cant just avoid him, as he works at the place where I do my hobby... Bit scared

OP posts:
Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:35

Sorry x post. Can't aboid my hobby as it involves substantial amounts of money... Desperately trying not to out myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:37

That's the worst part about the whole situation. I don't want to give up my horse hobby just because he works there. But as I said, he is currently scaring the shit out of me.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/09/2015 23:38

Look, if he harasses you at his work place, you can complain to his management.

Besides there must be other places that do your hobby.

category12 · 04/09/2015 23:39

You can move your hobby to another stable.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:41

I could but where I live there is limited hobby stabling facilities. Just realised that my house key that I stupidly leave by the front door has gone...

OP posts:
FunFunFunInTheSunSunSun · 04/09/2015 23:42

Yeah, move your horse. Your safety here is paramount. Or alert other people who work at the stables of your situation and advise you cannot cross paths otherwise you'll have to look for other stables...

category12 · 04/09/2015 23:44

Key in the lock tonight and chain if you have one. Change your lock tomorrow.

FunFunFunInTheSunSunSun · 04/09/2015 23:44

Call someone, a friend, parents, siblings, anyone you trust, to stay with you tonight and then get the locks changed tomorrow.

Rarity08 · 04/09/2015 23:47

How dreadful for you, can someone stay with you?

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:48

I am sort of stuck, as the only person I have nearby is my ex... And I don't really want him to come over. And I can't lock the front door from the inside as my key has obviously disappeared... Also I can't really move the horse as she is on loan. Would it be worth speaking to the managers there do you think? Ah feck it, I am more concerned about the fact that he keeps ringing me... Number blocking time. Although I thought I had done. I appreciate that I sound like a right idiot right now, just feeling really overwhelmed and upset.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/09/2015 23:51

Get the locks changed ASAP and report his sofa comment to the police. Even kicking the sofa is a violent act.
I'd talk to someone you trust at where your hobby is kept and make sure you are safe and away from him when there. Maybe just mention awkwardness to start with.

pnutter · 04/09/2015 23:53

Can you give someone a call and let them know what's happened. Or maybe police non emergency number explain he's stolen the key and what he's done and said. Poor you.

Lweji · 04/09/2015 23:55

If he's taken the key without your authorization you could report it stolen.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:59

I just feel really let down and quite frankly appalled. I let him into my home, I have lent him nearly a grabd's worth of money (yes, stupid STUPID me)... His employers already know (before I did!) that he is a bit of a loose cannon... Have put boxes in front of the front door, just in case. Is it worth ringing 111? Don't want to waste their time. On the other hand, best case scenario, I can't leave my house until the locks are changed. I am such a bloody idiot.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/09/2015 00:02

You only have one key? (that's odd to me).

Speak to the stable management and whoever you have the hobby on loan from. At least you can presumably get out of the loan arrangement without the horse being at risk of abandonment, so you can look elsewhere if necessary.

Keep any threatening texts and such and be prepared to get the authorities involved.

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