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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure where to turn...

60 replies

Downwiththissortofthing1 · 04/09/2015 23:20

Long story short, with my boyfriend since may, it's all moved extremely quickly, as in going on holiday (I paid), he wanted me to go and visit his parents in October (he is European). It has been a tempestuous relationship, culminating in this evening (after me making dinner) in him telling me I am an alcoholic because I had half a glass of wine out of his two bottles and jokingly said he couldn't drink all my beer... And him telling me I am stupid and irrational when I tried to explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. Him shouting over me when I tried to talk. Him kicking the furniture repeatedly whilst swearing at me when it's a rented flat. He earns very little, to the point that I pay for everything. His jealousy and possessiveness are off the scale. To the point where I am scared to have my phone on normal incase it rings and IT might be (shock horror) a male... Most probably a work colleague... Sorry, I know this all sounds mad and I sound like an idiot, but j have literally just ordered him to leave, after he told me I was lucky that he kicked the sofa the other night and not me... Just feeling rather fragile and annoyed with myself for being upset. Sorry.

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 05/09/2015 00:02

Well done op for posting on here. Thank goodness you kicked him out and thank goodness he has shown you his true colours. These are the positives :)

Keep your other key in the lock and ring the police to say you have been intimidated, tell them what he said and that you are scared. They will give you a reference number and it will provide you with evidence if things escalate. Listen to their advice.

Get your locks changed at the earliest opportunity, this is a requirement for your home insurance anyway otherwise you will invalidate it.

Ring up the livery owner and tell them what has happened. Tell them you are worried about your safety and that you have told the police. There is no reason why you should move your horse but you do need to let every body know what happened so that they can help you if they need to.

Do NOT keep anything a secret, that will only enable him to escalate the behaviour. Tell everyone in real life and keep your phone with you.

Block his number, fb, get rid of his possessions, you are not a victim so don't behave like one. Be angry at how he has made you feel, do not feel sorry for him or make apologies for his behaviour.

If you move your horse he will have won so do not. Remain calm and assertive and record everything. Try and arrange to do your horse when others are around.

Good luck op. You may also want to ask the police to do a search on him to see if he has form for this type of behaviour.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 00:04

Has he taken the only key? If so, he can come and go whenever he wants and you're best advised to call the police on 101 tonight and get this theft logged and appraise them of the message he left re kicking the sofa and not you.

With regard to your hobby, if he harasses or harangues you, a paying client, in his workplace, I would expect his employers to take action to ensure that you are safe when on their premises and that other clients aren't affected by his behaviour.

But now he's gone from your home, your priority is keeping him out and making sure he can't enter it again without your knowledge.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:09

Thank you all. I will speak to the yard manager tomorrow. I don't want to risk bumping into him, or him causing a scene (which he did the last time we fell out, albeit there was no-one else around). The only key that I have (that also has my sister's key to her flat on it, but she is away right now) has disappeared. The neighbours have a spare key but they are also away. So I am a bit stuck. Will ring a locksmith in the morning and try and sort something. My friend is coming over at about 1 as he has been out. I just feel tired, belittled, like an idiot and a bit sick at the thought that someone you can be so close to can suddenly change (yes I know it's only been four months or so, but still)...

OP posts:
ProfessionalPencilSharpener · 05/09/2015 00:10

Please, please phone 111 OP! Of course it's worth the call. You must get the locks changed ASAP as he certainly sounds the 'loose cannon' you describe. This man sounds absolutely terrifying. I'll be worrying about you tonight Sad

magoria · 05/09/2015 00:11

Call an emergency locksmith. Will cost a bit but worth it for the peace of mind.

wotoodoo · 05/09/2015 00:17

Promise us you will call the police and log what he said op. Preferably now. You would be stupid not to. I'm sorry for using the word you have used for yourself and it is harsh I know, but we want you to be safe.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:18

Just been on the phone to 111. A very nice lady said there was nothing they could do, but that my case has been logged and in case of anything suspicious that my number will be a priority call and will be put straight through to the local police who will send a car out as an emergency. Not much they can do about my sister's flat as she is not there, and if anything happens to that (he knows how to get in) then that will depend on a neighbour calling. Oh god, I feel like such a class a idiot. And also feel pretty vulnerable right now. Wish my friend would hurry up.

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 05/09/2015 00:25

Well done for making that call op. Could you and your friend pop over to your sister's flat? Or could you stay at your friend's tonight? Could you let anybody else know what has happened and may be get them to check if you can't?

FunFunFunInTheSunSunSun · 05/09/2015 00:28

Been here myself. I once had my ex keep coming round banging on the doors in the early hrs shouting and swearing, saying he wouldn't leave.

I called the police only for a very offensive officer to scream at me "I'm not sending officers out because someone's knocking on your door! Just go and bloody answer it!" And hung up on me.

I cried and thought I'd done something really terrible. I put up with the harassment for several weeks because of that awful woman. Eventually when I couldn't take no more I rang my local police station and said "look I know it's not an emergency but..."

They sent officers round straight away and told me I should have reported the woman who took my first call.

You've done the absolute right thing calling 111. They have it noted now.

Also keep a diary... dates, times, places, what he's said/done, keep all texts and voice mails. Not trying to scare you, just want you armed and prepared as much as possible

JodieMacdonald31 · 05/09/2015 00:30

I would get locks changed right now... No only could he get in but could lock u in. Fuck that

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:33

He is coming here. Again, I wish he would hurry the hell up. Can't really go round to my sister's, as her key was on my keys... Sorry for delayed response, 111 just rang me back to tell me they have a car patrolling the area to look out for anything 'suspicious' and I've given them her address as well, so they can do a drive by. Feel guilty as feel that I am wasting police resources from my own stupid fault. Also had a bit of an asthma attack just now, whilst on the phone to the woman who called me back. I just feel so stupid and embarrassed...

OP posts:
Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:34

Meant my friend is coming here, not the ex!

OP posts:
Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:36

Anxiety is through the roof, I have emergency diazepam (which I absolutely hate taking and I have had a glass of wine, so definitely a terrible idea), but the thought of him being able to lock me in here (with him) has literally sent my heart racing...

OP posts:
JodieMacdonald31 · 05/09/2015 00:40

Diazepam probs not a good idea. Seriously call a lock smith, landlord. You are not wasting police time. It's what they're for. To keep people safe

JodieMacdonald31 · 05/09/2015 00:43

Your home insurance would probably pay for lock smith

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 00:44

Literally shaking. Argh. Can't believe this has happened. But shouldn't be that be that surprised, given my past run of luck. Gonna stag off the Valium, my friend is here now, he is going to deal with stuff now, like the locksmith. Sorry if I sound like a pathetic weirdo. Thanks for all the support

OP posts:
JodieMacdonald31 · 05/09/2015 00:53

Good your not on your own then Smile I'd get rid of the hobby & get a German shepherd lol

goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 00:59

Relax - you did the right thing by calling 101 and as your friend is with you you need have no fear as he'll be on hand for the rest of the night.

As emergency locksmiths can be a tad on the pricey side if called out in the middle of the night, I suggest you wait till later today to get the lock changed.

If your friend, or another beefy guy, is on hand tomorrow, I also suggest you take the bull by the horns and go to the maniac's place of work and ask him for your key and the key to your sister's home back otherwise you'll be reporting the theft to the police.

If he's left any belongings in your home bag them up and take them with you to give to him so that he can have no possible reason to come anywhere near your premises.

Taking him unawares and showing him you are more than capable of standing up to him may serve to stop him in his tracks.

Rarity08 · 05/09/2015 01:01

Relieved your friend is with you.
You haven't done anything wrong, basically he has stolen your keys. The most important thing is you are safe and have someone with you. Some posters on here have had the misfortune of having a crap relationship at some point in their lives, which is why we offer support and don't judge.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 01:30

Thank you all. Friend has rung locksmith

OP posts:
Baconyum · 05/09/2015 01:46

Police call handler you spoke to is wrong! You feel unsafe and he may well have stolen your key. I'd call back, ask to speak to someone else if necessary.

Change locks tomorrow. Show someone where he works the text about you were lucky he didn't kick you. Frankly if they've any sense they'll sack him! At the very least they need to tell him he'd best behave towards you while on their time!

Flowers hope your friend there n you're feeling safer.

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 13:48

Just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive messages last night, you all helped me calm down. Friend stayed over, locksmith came this morning so I now have shiny new keys. He also offered to do my sister's flat for free (?!?!) just in case when I explained the circumstances. Restored my faith in human kind. Feeling much calmer today. Just need to speak to the hobby manager and explain the situation to see what can be worked out. Just feel relieved to be free of it all.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2015 14:53

That's good. :)

Original poster
Downwiththissortofthing1 · 05/09/2015 15:00

I did wake up to over 30 texts from him... All saying that he's sorry, he didn't mean it, blah fucking blah Hmm Need to figure out how to block his number (I have done so for calls, but somehow texts keep getting through?!) bloody modern technology. But once again, thank you. Time to get a grip and move on, I don't have room in my life at the moment for this crap.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2015 16:25

You can simply ignore him (keep messages, should you need to show harassment), report them or tell him it's really over and not to contact you again