Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lovelife

70 replies

robthroop · 04/09/2015 15:07

Hi

A Dad here looking for some opinions from you amazing Mums. Going by some of the posts I've read on the subject I can imagine a lot of women rolling their eyes when they read this, but I'm looking for advice on how to re-energise my and the DW's lovelife.

We've been married 6 years, have two DS 6 and 3. We both work and manage to juggle childcare and domestic chores between us and a very understanding part-time nanny.

I feel that we don't make love enough and it effects me mentally and emotionally which goes onto effect our relationship. At the moment it's perhaps once or twice a month, and always on her terms. When I try to seduce her, however romantically or otherwise, it's always knocked back which does wonders for my self esteem.

I appreciate that this busy life can wear us all down, and that women and men want/need sex at different times and for different reasons. But I believe that making love is one of the best ways to unwind, relax and bring a couple together. It feels amazing and releases wonderful chemicals into the brain that make you feel happy. Why would anybody not grab even the smallest opportunity to do it with the person they love? I don't understand.

Please offer me kind words of encouragement and ideas.

Many thanks

OP posts:
Desperatediana · 04/09/2015 15:30

No real advice just posted in another thread aswell but you aren't alone. I am having similar problems except it's my boyfriend who doesn't want it as much as me. We have been together 4 years lived together over 1.
I've given up trying any more for the fear of being knock backed and declined and the effect that has on me. Instead I just wait (not very patiently for him to decide he wants some!)
Maybe the usual things like date nights and quality time together away from the kids or going away those are the weekends we seem to have guaranteed sex but other than that I'm just as clueless as you are Confused

norasbattys · 04/09/2015 15:38

Have you tried talking to her - (don't mean to sound patronising).

I agree with you, it really is the best way to re-connect and regain the intimacy in a relationship. But obviously both partners need to want this.

Maybe dropping the seduction and romance - as her first thoughts would be you are only doing that to get - take it off the agenda for a while, try to reconnect to her emotionally rather than physically first.

pocketsaviour · 04/09/2015 15:41

I would say once or twice a month is not bad for a couple with two young children, in all honesty.

That's assuming you used to have sex more regularly and the frequency has dropped since you became parents?

Other things to look at would be hormonal contraception (often suppresses libido), anti depressants (ditto), feeling inhibited because the kids are in the house and might wake up, and just being bloody knackered and "touched out" from having a toddler clambering all over you all day.

If it's a or b, then a change in medication/contraception might help. If it's c, send the kids for sleepovers. If it's d, then you either take over a lot more of the childcare, or just wait for things to improve.

What does your wife actually say, when you speak to her about this?

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 16:11

Thanks everyone for replying.

We have very open and honest conversations about it and I am understanding. There is no medication issues and the only change in lifestyle is that we now have kids.

I consciously give her lots of affection without ulterior motive, I don't want to hassle her and for her to feel like it's all I think about (but seriously, it's all I think about).

She puts it down to tiredness, life getting in the way, but that's because her self imposed 'right' conditions for making love are at the very end of the day. I think we need to be spontaneous, to realise that 'this' moment might not be the 'ideal' moment, but it might be the only one we're going to get for the next fortnight. For example, we went to bed the other night and for a change we weren't absolutely dog tired. I was knocked back, but events outside the bedroom now mean that it will probably be three more weeks before we get another chance to be together. I feel like banging my head against the wall and shouting 'Why didn't we take that small moment we had to make each other feel wonderful??!!'

I don't think there are other marital problems, or at least that is what she tells me.

Sometimes I deal with all this admirably (like a grown up should), but other times it really twists my head in knots and can mean we have petty arguments. I'm the one making all the compromise, and it makes me feels bitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 16:14

Diana, the waiting is the worst. I feel your pain.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 16:14

Is that you hubby? Smile

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 16:19

I totally see where you are coming from. In fact I could be your wife. Sometimes it's very hard to get in the mood but I know if I give its a minutes effort the mood will arrive.

I am therefore not making enough effort.

I would say the same about your DW. Obviously on here some women will baulk at that idea but you know I do feel that sex is a necessary action in a marriage and keeping it regular is vital to for many reasons.

I think you should ask her to prioritise it more.

There is time for sex when you go to bed. Fine not every night but there is time if there's the will.

Desperatediana · 04/09/2015 16:26

I am hopeful almost every night that something might happen. I think he can smell the desperation almost and that puts him off, but for me it is an important part of a relationship. Otherwise we are just house mates!
I'm aware that all relationships go through ebbs and flows but my last LTR lasted 6 years and we never had that problem although he left me for another woman and whilst it was weekly it was hardly mind blowing! I don't know if there is ever a happy medium but I feel the same as you sometimes it doesn't bother me others I want to have a huge tantrum and row about it.

Twinklestein · 04/09/2015 16:27

If it made her feel 'wonderful' then she'd do it more often, it sounds like it's making her feel pressured and knackered.

Someone who's always wanting sex and feeling sorry for themselves when they don't get it, is not very attractive.

pocketsaviour · 04/09/2015 16:38

If it made her feel 'wonderful' then she'd do it more often, it sounds like it's making her feel pressured and knackered.

I don't know Twinkle. I've been with partners and known that if we do have sex it will be brilliant, but just not had the energy/motivation to get going.

You are bang on though that if the OP is moping, it will be an added put-off.

OP;
events outside the bedroom now mean that it will probably be three more weeks before we get another chance to be together.
This does sound like circumstances are conspiring against you, as well as tiredness etc. Can you create more opportunities at all? Rearrange shifts, childcare, reduce responsibilities? Some of this may not be possible of course depending on your circumstances... but try.

VaviaVive · 04/09/2015 16:41

Sounds like she doesn't fancy you

springydaffs · 04/09/2015 16:53

Vile thing to say, Vavia.

It seems it doesn't make her feel as 'wonderful' as it does you, or she'd be taking any opportunity, like you if you could.

This is what I dread tbh: mismatched sex drives.

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 17:04

Thanks VaviaViva and Twinklestein for the votes of confidence. I do think she enjoys herself, or she deserves an Oscar perhaps. Anyhow, it's hard to get brilliant at something without practice.

I went through the moping phase, but many years ago realised that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

It's not really possible to make more time for ourselves, which is why I'm convinced that we need to make more of the small opportunities we have. I think you hit the nail on the head Quitelikely5, I already have asked her to make it more of a priority for us and she knows how much it means to me. Will try some more, but I'm starting to bore myself.

Any DW's out there that have managed to turn it around. I want to hear about success stories that will give me light at the end of the tunnel.

R

OP posts:
Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 17:09

springydaffs, I don't think it's the making her feel wonderful thats the problem. Rather it's that she doesn't need to feel wonderful as much as I do. Anyway, I'm going to stop defending myself against suggestions that I'm no good in the sack.

Success stories, there must be some out there!!??

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/09/2015 17:18

What do you mean you went through the moping stage? Moping around her?

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 17:21

I mean outwardly sulking about the fact we weren't making time to be together and have sex. I don't sulk about it now, just pretend that it's fine. But it does effect me and I'm sure it causes me to be bad tempered sometimes, I can't help it.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/09/2015 18:32

Uh-oh. Sulking bcs you're not getting sex - not good.

I don't know what the answer is but it's not that. It's an assault on her and, apart from anything else, would have put her right off.

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 18:42

Yes, that is why I stopped a long time ago. So, anyway...

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/09/2015 19:01

I wasn't actually implying you weren't any good in bed OP, but what springy daffs said, that if she found it as wonderful as you she would want it as much.

It may be that she's too tired to enjoy it, it may be that she enjoys it physically at the time, but the upshot is that she ends up more tired, so she'd rather forego it, or it may just be that her libido has fallen since she had kids.

You don't say if she works full or part time, but life two small children is fairly relentless and it may be that sex ends up feeling like another task on her to do list of chores.

springydaffs · 04/09/2015 19:04

But that endures, op, even if you've stopped doing it now. It's an assault. You say it 'didn't work' - it didn't work for getting sex (it wouldn't!) or it didn't work bcs you recognised it was abusive?

You're even hurrying me along bcs you don't think much of what I've said. It could look like you want what you want.

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 19:06

So here's a great talk I found online. Made me think about things...

Again, if there is anyone on here who has managed to turn around this aspect of their marriage I'd love to hear about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 20:03

Spring, I didn't mean to hurry you along, just wanted to refocus the conversation on getting advice and not discussing my short comings (which I am well aware off and always do my best to change). Grin

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/09/2015 20:41

But you're going to need to address that. It's part of the current picture. That sort of thing doesn't go away on its own. It's a specific assault.

You're going to have faults, we all have faults. Some of them are quite serious, whether we realise that or not at the time. They have to be addressed.

Original poster
robthroop · 04/09/2015 21:33

I'm not sure I agree with the term 'assault' in this context. I was talking about being a bit grumpy, that is all. And I have dealt with it cause I'm a self aware kind-a-guy. So, you know, let's move on.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/09/2015 21:45

She hasn't.