Lovelife

[robthroop]

Hi

A Dad here looking for some opinions from you amazing Mums. Going by some of the posts I've read on the subject I can imagine a lot of women rolling their eyes when they read this, but I'm looking for advice on how to re-energise my and the DW's lovelife.

We've been married 6 years, have two DS 6 and 3. We both work and manage to juggle childcare and domestic chores between us and a very understanding part-time nanny.

I feel that we don't make love enough and it effects me mentally and emotionally which goes onto effect our relationship. At the moment it's perhaps once or twice a month, and always on her terms. When I try to seduce her, however romantically or otherwise, it's always knocked back which does wonders for my self esteem.

I appreciate that this busy life can wear us all down, and that women and men want/need sex at different times and for different reasons. But I believe that making love is one of the best ways to unwind, relax and bring a couple together. It feels amazing and releases wonderful chemicals into the brain that make you feel happy. Why would anybody not grab even the smallest opportunity to do it with the person they love? I don't understand.

Please offer me kind words of encouragement and ideas.

Many thanks

I had my contraceptive implant taken out and two weeks later was absolutely gagging for it. It took my dh 2 months to figure it out. We wasted 7 years on those damn implants. I've also discovered vitamin b makes my orgasams less fun.

*It's a shame we can't talk to your wife. We'd figure it out a lot quicker that way.

There is certainly something to be said for the biological imperative to procreate having been satisfied that it's natural for sex drive to die off. But as conscious humans we should be able to override that. As one previous poster suggested, and I've read recently, it's possible that the normal sexual order of becoming aroused then engaging in sex is often reversed. If you start having sex you become aroused and that kickstarts the positive cycle back into action.

I read many years ago about a couple who made a pact that they would have sex everyday for a year. Obviously is was incredibly difficult but they said it did make a big positive difference to the emotional relationship.

This strays back into the 'Just do it' philosophy, which I'm not sure I agree with. But I kind of can relate to sex being a bit like exercise. Once you start doing it regularly, feel and see the benefits then you want more. I realise this is a massive simplification. And it also relies on all sorts of other factors. But hey, just putting it out there.

Awesome AF, so happy for you. Have an incredible time and never take it for granted.

Robthoop, I really hope you are able to find a workable and happy compromise.

I agree with your last post entirely. The crucial question is what does is your Dw think/feel ?

That's the Million Dollar question Goat, and I'm sure that even she doesn't know all of the answers to it.

How can you open up a dialogue with your wife without it feeling like pressure to have sex?

Backing off completely can send the implicit message that you too are not bothered about affection and sex.

That's the BILLION dollar question.

I'm still there giving physical and emotional contact, just not mentioning sex. I'm reading a couple of books which should help approach the situation differently if nothing changes.

Have you spoken to your wife about this thread?

Speak to her about it.
I know it seems like obvious advice but me and my ex husband split as we stopped communicating.
Although he was a cheating prick which did not help either.

We have very good conversations, and she knows how I feel. I think the general consensus on this thread is that I should back off for a bit whilst still being emotionally present. Just not talking about sex or making advances.

The strange thing is how much it gets to me. Sometimes I think I'm being completely ridiculous, I'm place too much on it. Then I'll feel upset. Then bitter. My head is all over the place.

For what it's worth I agree that sex is vital to keep a relationship close ..I'm interested in all that you have said rob .
I have a female friend who dosen't have sex with her husband but he wants it terribly..I thinks it's a form of abuse tbh.
I mean if you don't love or fancy him anymore let him go or at least agree to a mutual compromise of some sort
I know other couples who hardly ever have sex but are fine with it.

Communication is the answer and being clear about your needs as well.as listening to her point of view/ feelings on the matter

It's the other way for me and hubby if we don't have sex I feel really really irritable and unloved ...he says it's a self esteem issue on my part I'm still.thinking about that one .

Sorry to not add positives but your recent post - we can go weeks without hugging - this sounds like a real clue to me. So you say you are not still moping/sulking but you admit to putting up barriers and so it sounds like you are not being affectionate if you are not going to get sex ? I'm not by any means having a go because you sound like you do actually do your share of parenting etc. but you sound very much like my partner. If we are in the habit of having sex we can have it every night for a few weeks, then I will be exhausted by family life, work etc and not feel up for it one eve and it will be weeks sometimes a month before he feels like dropping me any affection. Very affectionate if we are in a "sex habit" sounds gross sorry but don't know how else to explain it! It is such a deep turn off knowing that whatever happens before hand in bed he always wants the outcome to be his orgasm at the end - not saying this is you but maybe another something to think about. Leave her be, it may take months but let her feel the need for you. Make the effort to bother to connect on that level with affection without the outcome always being a shag and see what happens ? Sorry for the ramble, this is a bit close to home for me oh and btw could you masterbate (more )to relieve the overwhelming ness of your feelings when she's not feeling you ?

Thanks for the post Mulberry. Every night for weeks!!! I had to be picked up of the floor after I read that.

I'm interested to know what you think about the 'Just do it' theory. Do you find that having sex turns you on and therefore makes you want to have it more regularly? What is the secret to having such a regular sex life for extended periods?

Like I've said, I realised early on that sulking was very immature and just made my wife unhappy with me so now don't do that.

What I mean about the not hugging thing is that if I'm repeatedly knocked back, and there maybe additional things happening outside the bedroom, then I close off a bit. And perhaps if she feels that's all I am after she closes off a bit too. So neither of us are sulking, but we both go into self protection mode. This makes complete sense if you listen to some of the petty squabbles we have around these times.

So, as said above, current plan is to back off whilst being emotionally open and tactile.

If, after a while, nothing changes. Then what??!!

I do also think that men naturally feel more affectionate for a period after having sex. Whereas with women it is generally affection then sex.

So does this mean men need to be more affectionate and less sexually demanding. If we step out of our biological programming isn't it fair to ask women too also??

I don't mean to sound like a dick 'if I give more hugs she's gotta do me', I'm just frustrated that I've got to do all the changing myself and in the end it could all be the same and I've got to live with it.

Thanks again for all your posts. It is helping me to understand things better, but also opening up more questions for me.

I think there is a duty to make more effort on both sides ...otherwise you don't have a relationship.
I don't think it's gender specific either

So, going back to what DisillusionedGoat posted earlier, how can we have a productive conversation about this without it slipping back into the 'She feels pressure/ I feel rejected / self protection' loop.

Any of you amazing wives had this conversation and turned your lovelife around?

You PM'd me OP....to ask for my opinion. I can only tell you that for us, once both the children were past the age of 6 then things got much better. Your children are very small still...they're so grabby and demanding that many women just can't cope with yet another person wanting to touch them.

I know that for me, once the children were in bed, all I wanted was to be completely left alone.

When they'd both started school, things got better. Also...another thing that helped was having a laugh together...do you still laugh together?

I have had similar discussions with my DW of 10 years & we have two young children of a similar age & this is what I have learnt:

Hormones play a much bigger part in a womans desire/sex drive than a mans. We can get it hard in a minute and be ready to pump away to orgasm on demand. Women dont have that luxury & they have to be 'feeling it'. Their hormones vary greatly depending on the 'time of month'. I have found my DW to be very receptive when it is the right time and we have ended up having fantastic love making sessions on consecutive nights that we both reall enjoyed before having 3 weeks of drought due to a lack of libido, but then picking up again when the hormone rise once more.

It's not ideal for me because I would be happy with some action, say once a week, but thats the way it is for my DW and I know she is really enjoying it, rather than just doing it to keep me quiet/happy..........

Probably telling 90% of the board what they already know tbh.......

We do still have a laugh together, although not as much as I'd like. We definitely need to make more time for ourselves and each other as there isn't much space for either at the minute.

I was kind of aware of hormones/ovulation having a influence, but not started to give it any serious thought until recently.