Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you love someone you save them, right?

87 replies

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 21:43

I have started something that really genuinely upsets my DP. It is causing real trauma. I could make the pain go away by giving up the thing I started. But I can't. It feels like I would be cutting off a part of me. But continuing makes me a horrible cruel heartless person. I should sacrifice that part of me for my DP, shouldn't I?

(To avoid drip feed, it's religious faith. But this isn't about religion, it's the principle)

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 04/09/2015 09:27

I'm with Isetan. I think the DP sounds dramatic and manipulative and self-absorbed. As religions go, the C of E is about as bland as it gets and all this histrionics about you going to church is a bit like claiming you're a vodka-swilling alcoholic because you have the odd Babycham.

OP, you don't have to quit your faith. If you take religion in any way seriously, that's not really possible anyway. But if you don't want to break up then you could maybe tone it down for a while. See how it goes and whether she stops being so histrionic about something which frankly doesn't warrant such an extreme reaction. She may get used to it and things may settle down. That said, a situation where your partner is using the threat of mental illness to control your behaviour is frankly pretty unhealthy and I would be questioning the relationship on that basis, religion or no religion.

britneyspearscatsuit · 04/09/2015 09:44

You're asking the wrong question.

If I love her, should I not do whatever she wants and needs to feel happy?

No.

You should not have to.

If she loves you, he should freely and openly WANT you to do whatever makes you happy.

She sounds manipulative, selfish and dramatic. For fucks sake with all the horror in this world why would she even care? Your religion means a lot more to you than it does to someone else.

And there is no real way you practicing CofE faith and going to Church on a Sunday materially damaged this woman.

I have seen someone have a nervous breakdown.

"Because my partner started going to church" isn't a reason. That's up there with "Daddy wouldn't buy me a pony".

I am sorry to be hardh but this sounds like you need to tell her what you want, and if she doesn't love you enough to support you I could tell her to bugger off and find someone who does.

itsraininginbaltimore · 04/09/2015 10:23

Totally agree Britney

OTheHugeManatee · 04/09/2015 10:47

I've also seen someone have a nervous breakdown. It's not something that could be caused by their partner going to church - it's a severe and debilitating syndrome that takes time to precipitate and years to recover from. How ridiculous of her to claim it's your faith causing it.

Either she was severely unstable to begin with, in which case it really isn't your fault and really isn't caused by your going to church, or she is over-dramatising basically just being upset in order to control your behaviour. Either way, it's pretty unhealthy.

Original poster
Readingsfromthebookofexile · 04/09/2015 11:18

Thanks. I get that it sounds extraordinary that my doing this would have that effect. But it is so. Sadly for both of us.

Anyway, I don't think I can give it up. So we are back to square 1. The ball is in her court; she can leave me, or learn to live with it, or we can cry and talk and cry some more for another 6 months or however long it takes.

For those who were worried about her MH crisis, she is getting professional help with that.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/09/2015 13:56

If she is sufficiently unstable that your failure to give in to her demands to suddenly not believe in something have caused her a breakdown, she is not sufficiently stable enough to be in a relationship. Nor to raise children, IMO.

pocketsaviour · 04/09/2015 13:57

Nor is it ever a noble thing to decide to be something you're not in order to make her happy.

If you can't be your true self in a relationship, then it's not a relationship, is it?

Thistledew · 04/09/2015 14:14

My view is that the only way there is any point to following a religion is if it makes you happy, it helps you be more compassionate to other people and it helps you make a better contribution to the society in which you live. How you go about that is really a matter of personal choice and decision - there are so many varieties of religious practice that it is impossible to say that any particular one is the only 'right' way. If your religion is not helping you with those three things, then really what is the point? Furthering your own ego? Nobody is going to give you a cookie for sticking dogmatically to any particular rituals. All that matters is the quality of your life now.

Badmumton · 04/09/2015 14:20

I think we do need more info, really.

But if what you are saying (??) is that you have 'found God' and your DP is an atheist and perturbed by your new found faith...I'm afraid its not as simple as one of you being in the right - that she 'should' understand and embrace your faith or that you 'should' give it up if it offends her.

Its going to be more complicated than that.

How does your faith affect her life? Why is this so painful for her? Lets start with that.

Speaking for myself, I can say that if my DH suddenly discovered a belief in God and wanted to worship every Sunday or whatever, I'd be surprised, maybe even slightly unsettled by it, given that I married an atheist. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker. However, if he became an evangelical Christian and started trying to convert me, or was banging on about God every minute...it might well be.

Badmumton · 04/09/2015 14:21

Sorry posted too soon...hadnt seen the whole thread!

Twinklestein · 04/09/2015 14:23

If this is the couple I think it is, it seems your partner's histrionics and hysteria have no limit when it comes to getting where she wants you.

Surely you can see this is not the person for you?

britneyspearscatsuit · 04/09/2015 14:39

I'm very rarely harsh but I get the feeling you are enjoying the drama as much as she us here? There's no reason to come on here asking for help and not give details it's a bit like building intrigue.

  1. No one has a nervous breakdown because their partner goes to church. Nervous breakdowns are horrific and it's not a term to be used lighty.
  1. Unless you are abusing this woman in some way you are not to blame even in part for mental health problems
  1. If either one of you feels like a crisis this small is going to break your relationship and end your life together then I do feel like you will not be able to weather the more trying stresses and struggles of life. Like bureavement, job losses, kids and the big stuff

Also...while I don't believe you doing this would give her mental health problems you should know that hers might cause them in you. One of the leading causes of depression is stress. Another is living with a depressed partner.

I am a sensitive souL but please get a grip here. This is not a big deal. You know people who love each other are supposed to deal with changes as a team. I feel like she either has issues way beyond this or there is something you're not telling us

New posts on this thread. Refresh page