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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you love someone you save them, right?

87 replies

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 21:43

I have started something that really genuinely upsets my DP. It is causing real trauma. I could make the pain go away by giving up the thing I started. But I can't. It feels like I would be cutting off a part of me. But continuing makes me a horrible cruel heartless person. I should sacrifice that part of me for my DP, shouldn't I?

(To avoid drip feed, it's religious faith. But this isn't about religion, it's the principle)

OP posts:

Biscuitsneeded · 03/09/2015 22:49

So essentially your problem is that you've changed and your partner is uncomfortable with this. What she thought was secure, isn't. You're in a relationship which typically requires you to take a pretty tolerant, anti-establishment stance on the world (sorry for crass generalisations but I'm tired and can't find the words) and suddenly you feel moved to embrace an organisation that traditionally has been an agent of repression for same-sex relationships. Your partner is troubled by this, understandably. On the other hand there are many branches of the church that are very happy to welcome same-sex couples and plenty of good, enlightened Christian types about. I think your partner is being a little bit churlish if she can't accept you going to sing some hymns for 90 minutes each week.

Biscuitsneeded · 03/09/2015 22:53

But I don't think you wanting to go to church could really be the cause of your DP having a nervous breakdown. Sounds like there is much more to this than you're willing to divulge. If there is a back story of abuse in a religious context for your partner then of course I respect that you don't want to go into that here.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:54

Yes biscuit that is all true. But the trauma is no less real for being unreasonable. She is actually having a breakdown over it. So I should quit, shouldn't i?

OP posts:

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 03/09/2015 22:58

Either gives us more details so we can try to help you or don't bother.

No one can help you with the little information you have provided.

Us putting the pieces together is not going to get you any good advice.

If you want advice, you need to work with us.

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jollyphonics · 03/09/2015 23:00

You need to split up. Religion is clearly your priority, not her.

MrsJorahMormont · 03/09/2015 23:02

This all sounds very teen drama to me tbh. Mentally healthy people do not have a breakdown over their partner finding a fairly innocuous religious belief / practice. CoE is quite gay friendly so I can't imagine they will demand you end your relationship or anything. Unless she was very rejected by madly religious parents and it's triggering some kind of post-traumatic stress?

Regardless you have the right to your own beliefs and you are not responsible for changing your beliefs to make your partner happy. It may be that you are simply going to drift apart but that is your right. It sounds like your partner is terrified of losing you but the religion thing seems to be a bit of a red herring.

Morganly · 03/09/2015 23:03

You are being really irritating in not explaining properly but if you genuinely want advice, I would say that your new found religion and staying with your partner are not compatible and that therefore you need to decide which is most important to you. Stop spinning this out as you are hurting her, as you admit, so make a decision and then get on with it.

All this cutting off a part of me and horrible cruel heartless person stuff is self-dramatics and makes it sound like you are enjoying the melodrama. Grow up, make a decision and spare your partner any more of this nonsense. If you choose the religion, she may be upset initially but she'll get over it and will be free to meet someone more compatible. If you choose her, you need to really mean it and not pretend that you've made some great sacrifice for her.

AyeAmarok · 03/09/2015 23:03

OP are you drunk?

steppemum · 03/09/2015 23:05

so supposing you did walk away form your religion? Would you be happy? Could you leave it all behind? Or would it then make you miserable?

If you walk away from religion you are unhappy, if you stay she is unhappy. It isn't going to be easy to resolve.

If you could walk away and then be happy with her and without religion then the choice is made. If you can't do that, then you are chosing to leave the marriage I think.

magoria · 03/09/2015 23:05

I agree if she was your priority and she is literally about to have a breakdown over your actions then it would be a no brainer.

That you haven't stopped means the religion is more important to you than her and you should reconsider your relationship for her mental health.

FinnMcCool · 03/09/2015 23:08

It's clear, from the little you've offered, what your choice is.
Let your DP go, and maybe she'll be there for you when you've got yourself back. Or not.
Nobody should go round inflicting their choices on others where those same choices result in a breakdown.

goddessofsmallthings · 03/09/2015 23:09

The OP might not be drunk but I reckon anyone could get pissed off on this thread.

What is more important to you, OP? Your god or your dp? You have a straight choice. Make it, don't fake it.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 23:10

Morganly, you are right.
Aye, not drunk.
Scobber, you are right too. I suppose I was hoping that you might all make me change my mind but obviously that is desperation not a likely outcome.

OP posts:

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 03/09/2015 23:15

Surely no-one would actually have a breakdown because their spouse joined the CofE? Are you sure this isn't a piece of manipulation to get you to back down?

If she is genuinely that mentally anguished then she needs professional support, has she been to the GP?

You've posted about this before and got the same range of responses. For some atheists, being married to someone of faith (provided said person didn't expect you to share that faith or tell you you were going to hell for not believing etc) wouldn't be a big deal. For others, the need to share a common belief system is as important as it is for some religious people. So she has choices - if it's a dealbreaker for her, it is. But you have choices - if you sincerely believe in God (and I'm not suggesting you're not sincere) you have made a choice of your own.

However, the first issue is to deal with the mental health crisis. The rest comes after that. At that point you both need to stop wringing your hands and start owning the decisions you have made. You can't both have what you want.

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 23:21

Thank you all. Despite the chaotic appearance of this thread, it has helped.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 03/09/2015 23:32

To be 'traumatised' by you becoming religious she must've been from a very religious family or similar who wouldn't of excepted her?

Be interesting to know why you suddenly decided to join a church. A lot of adults who become newly devout do so due to loss, their own mortality or needing to fill an emotional void.

You obviously don't want to give up religion so therefore you need to split up as she clearly has no interest in joining you.
Have you been preaching to her? Have you been trying to convert your DC's? Fiends?
Do you generally waffle in real life like you have in this thread? Coz that would be really annoying for her.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 02:41

I suppose I was hoping that you might all make me change my mind

How do you suggest we achieve that? Get down on our knees and pray that you see the light?

itsraininginbaltimore · 04/09/2015 05:43

'Should I quit or shouldn't I?'

Religion doesn't work like that, does it? It's not like smoking of golf. If we a
Uninimously told you to quit having a faith, or at least op sly expressing and celebrating it, would you?

If you are doing nothing more harmful to her than asking to be given time for church on Sunday's and perhaps acquiring a pile of new books on your side of the bed then I think SHE has the problem and is being controlling and histrionic.

If you have undergone a complete personality change and turned into a total bore about it all, pressuring her and the children to see your new POV and starting every sentence with 'because I am a Christian' (as many tedious Christians are wont to do) then I can totally see her point.

itsraininginbaltimore · 04/09/2015 05:44

Or golf, not of!

itsraininginbaltimore · 04/09/2015 05:45

Oh for gods sake so many typos and weird autocorrects in that post, sorry. It's too early! [ grin]

Isetan · 04/09/2015 06:28

I remember your previous thread. So your partner has upped the ante by having a 'nervous breakdown' eh? How come you're being cruel and heartless by practicing your faith and she's not being cruel and heartless for trying to manipulate you into stopping?

Your partner is entitled to her opinion but her 'trauma' and 'nervous breakdown' sounds like plain old manipulation to me. I find it hard to believe that this manoeuvre (not as extreme perhaps) hasn't been employed earlier in your relationship. Could your new found faith be a change in your relationship dynamic?

People change, no one ever remains the same and this isn't solely your problem to fix, there's a compromise but only if your partner is willing to accept that she doesn't have a veto. If your partner's distress is genuine then she needs to help herself by seeking support.

Personally, I think your partner has an issue with the change in your relationship dynamic and your religious faith is a red herring.

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