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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you love someone you save them, right?

87 replies

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 21:43

I have started something that really genuinely upsets my DP. It is causing real trauma. I could make the pain go away by giving up the thing I started. But I can't. It feels like I would be cutting off a part of me. But continuing makes me a horrible cruel heartless person. I should sacrifice that part of me for my DP, shouldn't I?

(To avoid drip feed, it's religious faith. But this isn't about religion, it's the principle)

OP posts:

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:16

Oh god no not that kind of save! I mean stop her hurting.

OP posts:

Lweji · 03/09/2015 22:16

you don't need to know why she's traumatised by it, she just is. I should give up the religion and make it go away.

Well, if you know the answer and you're not willing to give some info for people to be able to give their opinion on whatever is going on, it'd not sure what you're doing here.
Or are you just enjoying people guessing and making random comments that may or may not be relevant?

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 03/09/2015 22:18

Assuming you're a same-sex couple, does your church / brand of Christianity have homophobic elements?

Hassled · 03/09/2015 22:23

If you want helpful advice you're going to have to be a little less frustrating vague.

lunar1 · 03/09/2015 22:23

I really don't think i understand your post. but if DH suddenly became religious it would probably change our relationship.

Tealtowel · 03/09/2015 22:25

What do you want more. To be happy with your partner or the religion?
You shouldnt make anyone suffer,be traumatised or cause them serious pain on purpose.
Why is she still with you if she doesnt like or agree with what you have now decided to do?

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:25

I don't know what I want or what to. I appreciate this is annoying. Sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:26

She is still with me because we have 3 DC and she loves me. She wants the old me back though.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 03/09/2015 22:26

Ta-ta op

This isn't twitter you know (

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen · 03/09/2015 22:28

Yeah, it is annoying. Either set out your problem clearly, not in riddles, or piss off!

Jollyphonics · 03/09/2015 22:29

I think you need to reasses your relationship, and decide between you if it is still viable. If you have gone from being an atheist to a deeply religious Christian, then you are no longer the same person as you were. Maybe your DP and you are no longer compatible.

newnamesamegame · 03/09/2015 22:30

I do think if you want a clear analytical response you will have to provide more information about the nature of your partner's objections to this.

I am assuming you are a same sex couple and that being the case I can imagine there may be objections based on historical tendencies towards homophobia among some elements in the church.

If that is the root of her discomfort I can sort of understand how she may struggle with your suddenly embracing this.

If it's not related to this it may be the same sort of issue that mixed gender couples sometimes have when one takes up a faith -- i.e. essentially jealousy and resentment that something else has displaced the role they play, fear of losing intimacy or that the person with the faith is going to suddenly spend all their time at church instead of with them or that a bunch of random new friends are suddenly going to invade your life.

Or it may just be that she thinks religion is for idiots and is questioning her relationship with you. Any of the above are possible but its hard for any of us to take a view unless we know where she's coming from....

Tealtowel · 03/09/2015 22:30

What made you start this new thing/religion?

anothernumberone · 03/09/2015 22:31

I know couples where 2 people have different views on faith so that cannot be the issue for you and you DP. I think you need to be clear to yourself and us what the actual issue is because it is not that one of you has a stronger faith.

Biscuitsneeded · 03/09/2015 22:33

OK. You are being very baffling.

Are you a man or a woman (it doesn't matter really, except if you consider the (ahem) somewhat patriarchal nature of the Christian religion (is this what is upsetting your DP, for example?)?
Which religion specifically is it that you have taken up?
Are we talking giving your life and all your wordly goods to God, throwing over your job and retraining as a minister, in which case your DP may have good grounds to object, or do you just want to be allowed to sing some hymns on a Sunday?

I'm an atheist, DP is an atheist. It mattered to me that any putative partner shared my beliefs because I would not have felt I had much common ground with someone from a very different religious position, and it would have made child-raising complicated. So if my DP suddenly developed a religious faith it would make me worry that there was something else going on, if he no longer felt fulfilled by life as it used to be and the position I thought we agreed on. But ultimately if it were a little harmless worship it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. Unless you can give more info I'm not sure any of us can offer much advice.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:35

Scobber. Yes. That is where I've been. I'm trying to switch I guess.

Newname, yes it's all of those things and more.

OP posts:

Scobberlotcher · 03/09/2015 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:39

Biscuit, woman, Cof E, hymns on Sunday.
I think we are exactly in the situation you describe.

OP posts:

TheSpottedZebra · 03/09/2015 22:41

This reads like you love the drama.

Do you love the drama?

Biscuitsneeded · 03/09/2015 22:41

Gosh OP, you should be a politician and obfuscate for a living. Amazing, your ability to avoid answering any questions.

You sound a bit disjointed. Are you mentally well? (I'm not meaning to be offensive, it's just your posts remind me of conversations with a friend of mine at university who wasn't very well. He would sort of hint at things and then move away form them, just as you're doing.)

Biscuitsneeded · 03/09/2015 22:42

Ok then I apologise for my post above in which I wondered about your mental health. You've made things a bit clearer.

Original poster

Readingsfromthebookofexile · 03/09/2015 22:46

Scobber, she is having a nervous breakdown because of me. I have to switch, that's why I came on here.

OP posts:

WhyIRayLiotta · 03/09/2015 22:46

I've little idea what you're on about.

However; I feel like I have my DH a similar ultimatum a few years ago. His mum and friend died suddenly a few weeks apart. And he was a bit lost. Then he got into religion.

Before this, he'd been agnostic / indifferent. But, by getting into this religion, he put a space between us.

He stopped smoking, drinking and sex dried up. Until he told me he thought we shouldn't do that as it wasn't right in the eyes of God.

So I broke down. I was heartbroken. I love sex! I love wine! and told him it was it or me. He choose it.

I moved out. Went on holiday. Cried a lot.

3 months later he snapped / crawled / woke up out of it. And wanted something real and tangible. Rather than ideas and rules that made him feel secure in a time of trauma.

I made him work massively hard. Over a year before I would move back in had sex STRAIGHT away to make sure he would but we are back. It was a blip.

Lweji · 03/09/2015 22:47

Surely you could explain the situation without pps having to fill the gaps for you.

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