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Relationships

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Original poster

Ladies who earn a signifcant higher wage than their partners?

74 replies

Ellexx · 02/09/2015 15:55

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone is in a relationship with a man who earns significantly less than them? Does this bother you or your partner? Has it affected your relationship?

I earn approximately 10k more than my boyfriend and he has previously made sly digs about it. As we live separately, it is not really a problem, however it does concern me slightly, it will be in the future. He hasn't directly said anything, but i worry that his sly digs will escalate into bitterness. (i don't know if it makes him feel 'less' manly?)

OP posts:

WindowPains · 02/09/2015 16:03

I earn about £5K more than my DH but the disparity isn't in earnings so much as 'stage' if you like. We're both the same age and work in the same sector but I'm a couple of wrungs of the ladder ahead of him.

There's nothing negative at all associated with this at all. We're a partnership. All of our wages go straight into the joint account. We don't have our own separate accounts. It's not 'my money' and 'his money'. We're working towards to the shared goal of early retirement and it doesn't matter whether I end up contributing more to the early retirement pot or him. At the end of our working lives we're both going to enjoy it together so who cares.

I think men who are bothered about women who earn more than them are pathetic little worms who need to grow the fuck up.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/09/2015 16:03

I earn more than DH but he has only ever been supportive.
Sounds like a red flag to me.

Lj8893 · 02/09/2015 16:05

I'm about to embark on a 3 year degree which at the end of it will mean I am earning 8-10k more than dh. He thinks it's great!

atticusclaw2 · 02/09/2015 16:08

I earn about £100k more than DH. It causes no issues whatsoever. Like windowpains we are a partnership and it is all joint household money, al going into one joint account. If this is causing an issue for you at £10k then I'd be very concerned about him as a long term partner.

trevortrevorslatterfry · 02/09/2015 16:08

I earn about twice as much as my DH and can only repeat what window says:

We're a partnership. All of our wages go straight into the joint account. We don't have our own separate accounts. It's not 'my money' and 'his money'. We're working towards to the shared goal of early retirement and it doesn't matter whether I end up contributing more to the early retirement pot or him. At the end of our working lives we're both going to enjoy it together so who cares.

Sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a nob.

Ludways · 02/09/2015 16:09

I was. Dh's boss when we first met, I currently earn about 10k more than him even though I work pt. It never usually occurs to us to care. Dh also coaches a sport in voluntary capacity. We each have our talents and respect each other for those, not our earning abilities. I've never really been impressed by money, so that probably helps.

Cabrinha · 02/09/2015 16:20

I wouldn't date a man who made sly digs at me, end of.

My last boyfriend (not live in) earned a quarter of what I did. Never an issue at all. No sly digs.

Seriously - don't start making excuses for hunk about feeling less of a man. So fucking what? You don't want to be with someone who thinks like that, surely?

RaspberryBeret34 · 02/09/2015 16:25

I used to earn a lot more than my ex and it was a big issue (for him). He let/made me pay for everything (so he actually ended up with lots more disposable income than me!) but at the same time he seemed to resent me for it. He had an affair in the end and I left. I'm not saying that'll happen with you but I'd say it is something that really needs to be talked through and dealt with now.

Chippednailvarnish · 02/09/2015 16:26

I used to earn more than DH, then he earnt more than me, then it levelled off and now he earns more again.

The only comment I have ever heard about it was from BIL, who's a knob. Your BF is in good company.

HeadDreamer · 02/09/2015 16:30

£10k isn't much! I was expecting a lot more.

Anyway I wouldn't be with a man who make sly comment about you earning more. I earn more than my DH. But he is in research so entirely expected. Many of his colleague earns less than their spouses too. Two of them have followed their wives overseas, one to Hong Kong, another to Germany and then New York.

You deserve a man who has more self confidence.

WindowPains · 02/09/2015 16:30

Echo Cabrinha on that- I wouldn't be with a man who made sly digs at me on any issue.

HeadDreamer · 02/09/2015 16:31

He has earned more than me too. It's not hard to be similar if you have similar education levels. The ones who are significant lower have bankers and doctors wives.

fairyfeatures · 02/09/2015 16:35

DH earns £20k a year more than me. I secretly have a problem with it...

My problem is that I worry that I don't contribute enough!! I go on Statutory Maternity Pay soon - imagine what that will do to me! Haha.

No but seriously on the whole.. as per Windowpains

PurpleWithRed · 02/09/2015 16:36

Red flag. Doesn't matter what the sly digs are about.

CheddarGorgeous · 02/09/2015 16:38

DH has always been totally proud of my achievements, never a hint of a sly dig.

He sounds like an arse.

IcsiWitsyBabyPlsGetUpMySpout · 02/09/2015 16:40

I earn more than my DH and he is nothing other than supportive about it, in fact he takes great pleasure in telling everyone how I earn more than him and he likes to spend my money (which is only slightly true!). As others have said, we are a partnership, have shared goals and shared money, there is no my money/his money - as soon as we were married, everything went in one pot, and we discuss bug outlays together.

Huntthepigsear · 02/09/2015 16:45

When we met, I was a student and DH was working, so he earned more than me. However, as soon as I started working I was earning more than him. At one time, i earned more being part time than he did FT. Now, our take home pay is similar and DH may end up earning more than me in the future, which I don't think either of us expected. He has NEVER made digs about it as it is all our money. If your DP is small minded enough to be bothered by this, then i would get rid.

ModreB · 02/09/2015 16:47

I have always earned more than DH, and we have been together for nearly 30 years. DH does not know what I earn, and I don't know what he earns. We have separate finances, but pay halves for everything we do. I pay the majority of the bills, he pays some of the bills and the extravagant expenditure. BUT, the extravagance expenses are always on us as a family not on him as an individual. It works out about equal.

Neither of us have ever, ever, asked why the other couldn't afford something, we just accept it. But I have always known that I live within the means that I can provide, so if something happened to DH, we could still have the same house, hobbies, school etc.

I think that this was a left over from my DGM, who always insisted that I never ever relied on anyone but myself to support me and my children. I always got the impression that her father was a bit feckless, and left them in a bit of a hole financially on a regular basis.

But, DH has never made reference to this, and despite suggesting a joint account when we first got together and lived together, (because his parents had one) had never questioned my reasons why I don't want this. It isn't an issue, as long as we have enough to pay our bills and have a bit of fun with enough left over for some savings.

TheVeryThing · 02/09/2015 16:49

I can only echo what others have said.

I earn significantly more than my dh, and although he is unhappy about his current work situation, he is very proud of me and very supportive. All money that comes into the house is family money.

Sly digs are never a healthy sign in a relationship.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 02/09/2015 16:50

I earn triple DH's salary; it's never been an issue and he's certainly never made sly digs at me about it (never made sly digs at me about anything for that matter.)

We pool everything. He works hard. I work hard. It just so happens that the market value of what I'm good at is more than the market value of what he's good at. Arguably, what he does has more value.

Boleh · 02/09/2015 16:54

We moved abroad for my job so my salary which was always a bit higher jumped up whilst his went down. He was a bit nervous about it before the move but it all goes in one pot and we run big purchases past each other. When we move jobs the situation may well be reversed.
He accepted the pay hit to support my career and I love him to bits for that - no-one makes sly digs at anyone, not a good sign OP.

marmitemofo · 02/09/2015 16:56

I earn more than my DP - used to be about £10k, he's recently got a new job so the gap is more like £7k. It's never bothered him. I actually asked him once after reading on the internet a similar thread about someone whose DH had a problem with it. His response was a bemused 'of course not, why would it bother me?' and a joke about how he gets to spend my money! We have a joint account and each put money in which all our bills come out of - I have always put a bit more in (except when on statutory maternity!) because I earn more, we both have money left over in our own accounts to spend on our own things (clothes, electronics etc). What's left in our accounts at the end of the month goes into joint savings - we don't keep track of who pays what into savings, just pool it all at the end of the month. (sorry that was slightly off tangent and unrelated to OPs original question!).

Personally as with other posters I think its a red flag if a man can't handle his partner/wife earning more than him and feels the need to make digs etc.

frikadela01 · 02/09/2015 16:56

Total red flag.

I currently earn 5k more than DP and unless he retrains I will always earn more than him probably into the 10s of thousands more than him. He really doesn't care. We had a pretty frank discussion about it all very early on in our relationship as I wanted all our cards on the table. It's our money in my mind and like pps have said all goes into the shared pot.

Joysmum · 02/09/2015 16:58

When DH and I first started living together I earnt 6 times his spprenticeship wage as I worked a lot of overtime to keep us afloat.

I've never been a fan of joint accounts so even 23 years on we've never had one.

We know our outgoings and have always ensure disposable income is equal after the bills. Since then I gave up paid work and he's a fairly high earner. I've been dabbling in property and when we realise the profits from those it'll have bought my earnings up to a very respectable level. We only keep track of income and expenditure, not who is responsible for each.

GoooRooo · 02/09/2015 17:03

I earn triple what DH does. It's never been a problem as we have a joint account and everything is 'our' money instead of his and mine.

He's terrible with money so I tend to manage it all and he's got no problem with that either.

We've never had a row about money.

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