Ladies who earn a signifcant higher wage than their partners?

[Ellexx]

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone is in a relationship with a man who earns significantly less than them? Does this bother you or your partner? Has it affected your relationship?

I earn approximately 10k more than my boyfriend and he has previously made sly digs about it. As we live separately, it is not really a problem, however it does concern me slightly, it will be in the future. He hasn't directly said anything, but i worry that his sly digs will escalate into bitterness. (i don't know if it makes him feel 'less' manly?)

At the moment I earn quite a bit more than my OH, and it's a total non-issue for us. We jointly own a house and are having a baby together. All money goes into and comes out of our joint account including personal spending. I know at times he's felt bad about not earning more (particularly when I've really hated my job) but he's working towards getting a better job (his choice, not mine, I told him it's important to be happy which he is) and I've reminded him that when I'm on maternity and hopefully part time afterwards I won't be bringing in as much, so it will all even out in the grand scheme of things. I don't think either of us is massively fussed, we've never argued over money or anything, and always discuss and make joint decisions.

I wouldn't really appreciate sly digs about it though, and would probably call him out on it.

atticusclaw2 - I earn about £100k more than DH

If you ever dump your DH, pm me

Over the last 30 years we have both earned far more and far less than each other. We have never seen a problem, that sharing 'our' earnings goes on here too

I manage separate accounts, not because we have his and hers ideas but he uses his as a work account and it could cause chaos if we both spent it when he needed to buy plane tickets or something.

I am the one who organises it all, have 3rd party mandate on his accounts and shove the money around the accounts. So it has never mattered who earned it, I just put it where it needs to go!

A man who naggles about it is not as secure in himself as you would like him to be. It could become an issue, especially if you move in together!

Yup, red flag. I earn less than DW, always have. Atm it's about 5k less, but it has been less than half.

It bothers us not a whit.

Originally I earned less than Dh. Now I get over £90k more. DH never makes digs at me (nor would he). The only time we ever discussed it, he said that subbing me when I was a poor student was clearly a fantastic investment.

I don't think £10k is a big difference if we're talking say £46k to £56. It shouldn't make much difference to a relationship whichever way around it is.

£90k !!!! Kleine - you are second on my list if the lovely Mrs DrM ever gives me the elbow

Dr

For many years I earned more than DH. Now he earns more than me. It will probably change again one day.

He is always proud of my achievements and success.

A boyfriend who makes sly digs because you are more financially successful than him is almost certainly a twat. He must think a woman's rightful place is beneath him. In every sense.

I don't think I'll ever outearn DH, but if I did I suspect he'd be rather pleased .

I earn 12x what DP earns. When we got together I earned 3x what he earned but he was made redundant and went freelance when I was pg and is now a SAHD as well as working in evenings and weekends.

All money is family money. But
In essence my salary pays living costs + savings and his earnings pay for holidays and big purchases.

in the past he has felt "bad" about not contributing as much, but we talked it through. We live within our collective means and we both contribute in ways that go beyond financial. I'd be very wary of a man who appeared threatened by a higher earning woman.

I earn about twice that of my DH. He has occasionally seemed a bit embarrassed, when we first got together (and meeting MIL I could understand why - The Man Must Provide etc) but definitely not negative and is proud and supportive and encouraging.

It's unlikely to get better, OP. A friend has a DH who struggles with earning less, and resents her success as if his self esteem is related to it in inverse proportion. It's not the best relationship to see.

DrMorbius you were so nearly in there but blew it when you lined up Kleine as your fallback

atticus

My dh earns more than me, but I've recently been asked to apply for jobs paying quite a bit more than him. Timings have been off though (I'm pregnant!) so nothing has come of it but about pregnancy! Had the chat with dh about how he'd feel if I earned more. His reaction was "that would be really helpful for us".

So I know when I do go back to work (planning on looking elsewhere as current employment is crap and doesn't stretch me mentally at all) and have the opportunity of earning a bit more, it won't affect our relationship at all.

I think you could do better than someone who makes sly remarks.

Some lovely comments above!

We are both young early to mid 20s so have plenty of time to make money! He earns approximately 17k where as I earn towards 28k.

I am envious of all these high earners, please give me some career advice! Haha only kidding!!!

It's never really bothered me, we have no commitments so it never had really crossed my mind. It's weird as he is usually very supportive of my career, but then occasionally makes really subtle digs in an immature sulky way, like 'your always going to earn more than me anyway' it's like he's joking but then means it at the same time, very odd!

Thank you for your comments, if this happens again, I am definitely going to lay my cards on the table and explain how it makes me feel!

This thread has made me feel happy though, it's nice to see women are being treated equally and we no longer rely on men to support us financially. Go us!!!! (And thank you to the lovely men who work hard also of course)

Ellexx re: career advice, it's usually a case of supply and demand. The harder you are to replace, the higher you will get paid.

Contrary to what most have said, I have come across traditional men, who still expect to earn more than women...not because they want to oppress the woman, but because they believe it is their role to financially hold the home. It's old fashioned and he may just need a chat to bring him to 2015.
That said...what are his 'slight digs'?

It is hopefully something that will come as he matures a bit but I really would be concerned at the fact that it bothers him so much that he is making digs.

I think much depends on your general attitude to money. DH and I have always put all of our money into one big pot. It means that we always discuss larger purchases (over about £100) which I think helps us to manage our money and spend it more carefully. If we had separated our money out and one of us had thousands in the bank whilst the other was struggling to find money to buy basics then I'm sure that would have created tension at times. As it is, it mainly goes on school fees and paying off the mortgage anyway so neither of us see it!!

You're not married and so I'm not suggesting for a moment that you pool your money btw (in fact do NOT do this) but I do think pooling all money might be a contributing factor to making large differences in pay a non issue.

Another one earning 1 and a half times my husband's salary (would be more if I worked full time). Some men can't cope with ambitious high earning independent women (the 3 tend to go together although I'm not now particularly ambitious but happy with being where I am). Sly digs would have me out of the relationship. If he is resentful or feels inadequate it won't work.
Our money goes in to a communal pot as well. We discuss large purchases and just buy small things we want/need although with kids/stepkids at or near uni age we're not swimming in money or anything.

The balance of power in a relationship is a very complex thing. Women often hold a lot of strings in families, especially when DC are young and many decisions have to be made: it is often mothers, rather than fathers, that are more informed about children's lives and take more responsibility for them and they often then take most or more of the family decisions (not always happily or willingly). If the female partner outearns the male partner and is the person in control, relationships often come under a lot of strain.

bobochic it's interesting you say that. When I was pregnant with my DD, a colleague of his said to him 'be careful now as your partner will have all the power in the relationship'. DP was simply as we don't have that kind of relationship. Perhaps it's because we've been together 11 years, but as time has gone on (and particularly since having DD), we have become a 'unit' and we discuss everything when making decisions that affect our family. If we disagree over something, we talk about it rationally and try to reconcile our viewpoints to what is best for our family. This is generally successful. I don't know, perhaps we're just lucky and both want the same things...

but, acknowledging that the way my relationship works is not the way other relationships necessarily work, if an imbalance of 'power' in a relationship is a problem, the solution to that problem surely is for the man to be more involved with the running of the household/childcare! My HH is perhaps quite 'unconventional' - me and DP share childcare etc responsibilities pretty much 50/50. When DD was born I took 6 months leave, he took 3 (he would have taken 6 but we couldn't afford it). We both do night parenting equally, we share nursery pick-up and drop off, we share childcare at the weekend etc It's not hard for a man to be more involved in child rearing and I don't buy into the idea that women are somehow more suited to it or men aren't or whatever. More involvement of the father in childcare etc is particularly important if the woman is the main breadwinner - why should she be expected to also take on the main care of the household if both parents are working full time?

(and sorry as I have somewhat gone off on a tangent from the subject of the original post!)

I'm not making a value judgement, marmite, I'm just making a statement of fact. My DP is an extremely (exceptionally) involved father, so I know they exist ;)

tbh Marmite I suspect there are plenty of men for whom being asked to get more involved with the running of the household is not going to address issues with the balance of power - quite the opposite in fact.