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Relationships

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Original poster

Ladies who earn a signifcant higher wage than their partners?

74 replies

Ellexx · 02/09/2015 15:55

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone is in a relationship with a man who earns significantly less than them? Does this bother you or your partner? Has it affected your relationship?

I earn approximately 10k more than my boyfriend and he has previously made sly digs about it. As we live separately, it is not really a problem, however it does concern me slightly, it will be in the future. He hasn't directly said anything, but i worry that his sly digs will escalate into bitterness. (i don't know if it makes him feel 'less' manly?)

OP posts:

SheGotAllDaMoves · 03/09/2015 10:44

When people say power do they mean making decisions for and about the family? And the power is unbalanced if one party makes those decisions with minimal or no consultation?

grannycake · 03/09/2015 10:48

I have been with DH for 30+ years. Sometimes he has earned more than me - I was a SAHM for 4 years. Then we swapped roles (redundancy) and he bacame SAHD for 6 years. Meanwhile I retrained, promoted and became the higher earner. Then he went back to college and is now earning only slightly less than me. We have always pooled money and now (children all grown) each have some disposable income from a joint pot.

marmitemofo · 03/09/2015 10:49

wasn't a criticism of you bobo more a response to your point re: men feeling threatened if they have no 'sphere of influence' in the HH.

atticus, I'm not really sure what point you are making. Do you mean if men are forced to be involved in the running of the household they might feel resentful because it wasn't their choice? As I didn't say that men should be asked or forced to be more involved, it was more of a point that if men have a problem with feeling 'left out' as it were, the solution would be for them to involve themselves, rather than focusing on earning potential and sticking to the traditional gender roles that society expects people to play. Obviously I am making it sound simpler than it is! I just think that if we would like the playing field in the labour market to be levelled, so that women are not discriminated against simply for being women, then other parts of society (such as roles in the household) also need to change, and that it might be within men's interests (as well as women's) to be more involved in others parts of the household rather than thinking the role of men is to bring in money (and resenting women who bring in more).

MarthaMonkeynuts · 03/09/2015 11:00

I earn 9x DH's salary, and I work part time. That's because he had a reasonable job earning about half my salary but suffered an illness/took redundancy/got a PT min wage job. That was OK for a season but now he is more or less fully recovered and happy to have a no stress job, whereas I would like him to be earning more so that we can afford to move to a bigger house.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 03/09/2015 11:40

I used to earn 95k more than my husband. Not a peep of resentment from him, ever. He overtook me a few years ago and now earns much more than I ever will and that gap is way bigger than 95k now. I've followed his example: not a peep from me! It helps that the gap wasn't because I was forced to work less and do more childcare, but rather that he worked smarter and frankly, was more successful.

DrMorbius · 03/09/2015 11:41

balance of power....men feeling threatened if they have no 'sphere of influence' in the HH

I am not sure I even enderstand what that means??

My DW and I are a unit, we have always pooled our money, because that is what it is - "our money". I have historically earned more than DW. When the kids were young DW was p/t, so I worked in the Middle East to increase our family income. Then she went through getting qualified. Now we are just about equal (I earn about £10k more). Over the years (many) we have slid into certain roles. I don't believe either of us has any power. I do 99% of the cooking and probably 75% of the ironing, because that works for us. Money..., I don't even know how many accounts we have and have no clue what electric, gas, water etc cost.

Thelushinthepub · 03/09/2015 11:47

Some people do sly digs. He's insecure and doesn't feel quite comfortable with it. It's not a red flag that people have negative feelings, we all do
I earn double what DH does. I sometimes resent the way it's spent as I feel he can be irresponsible with money and that money has mainly be earned by me- and to earn it I've had to sacrifice seeing the babies grow up daily. But I do want to continue working so it's my problem. I've now said, however, that I am not leaving the DT in day care 40 hours a week to earn money of which so much is wasted we can't afford a family holiday to get some quality time

JaniceJoplin · 03/09/2015 11:53

A friend of mine recently split with her DP and salary disparity was an issue for them (amongst other things).

She would flash her cash (such as buying expensive jewellery / watches etc) and he felt he had to buy similar and got into debt.

She made all the big decisions regarding household things, sofas, holidays etc. He felt he didn't have a say in what they got as it was 'her' money. He felt like a lodger in his own home and it was all 'hers'.

Overall she felt she was providing everything and got fed up. He felt inadequate. I think it wasn't an issue initially. It crept up over the years. She earned about 30-40k more than him.

marmitemofo · 03/09/2015 11:54

Dr if you read my posts I was also saying that I don't believe me and DP have 'power' in our relationship and I actually think it is problematic to approach/consider relationships this way (but people do). I wasn't referring to my own approach to my relationship.

The concept of men and women having different 'spheres on influence' in the household often comes up in academic discussions of gender (at least in my field), sorry I didn't mean to be confusing. Basically the idea is men and women have their 'traditional' roles in the household, and that some men might feel threatened if women start taking over the man's traditional role, since it leaves them with no 'control' in the household.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my earlier posts, but I think that this is problematic. However, it's undeniable that some men do feel threatened if women earn more then them. Not saying it's right (as I said to OP several messages ago, I think it's a real red flag if her DP has a problem with it), but was referring to some of the theory behind it. As I also said in an earlier post, the solution is surely for men to be involved in other areas of the household rather than blaming/resenting women for being successful in the labour market.

2rebecca · 03/09/2015 12:56

I think all relationships sexual or otherwise have a power element to them. If the relationship works well and you don't notice a power element to it it's because the power is equal in my opinion.
If both parties respect and value each other and the qualities both bring to the relationship then the power is usually equal.
I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who did sly digs. It's a passive aggressive way of communicating. If he's not happy about the salary difference he should discuss it properly as an issue, not make snide undermining comments.

lushilaoshi · 03/09/2015 15:08

I earn a high salary, my husband earns nothing because he is studying. Yes, it does cause tension in the relationship - he sometimes feels guilty and emasculated, I sometimes feel like he's taking advantage. My salary goes into a join account and obviously pays for everything. The real problems came when he started using the money to pay for things I don't like, such as cigarettes. He's never extravagant or anything, but I can't abide smoking. I had a go at him and he was upset because he felt like I was controlling him, and he had to beg me for money when he wanted something. He had a point, but so did I.

So we compromised by having a sort of 'allowance' system. We each get 250 quid a month to spend on whatever we want - I can fritter it on clothes and make up, he can buy cigarettes and music. It's each our money to do what we want with. The rest is for joint expenditure and saving for a deposit on a house. It works for us.

DrMorbius · 03/09/2015 15:37

Thats because you were controlling him lushilaoshi.

He's never extravagant or anything, but he was spending money on something you didn't approve of, so that's out of the question!!!!!.

I had a go at him and he was upset because he felt like I was controlling him, and he had to beg me for money when he wanted something. He had a point, but so did I ........did you???? not in my book.

So your solution is to make sure you got to spend the same as him....... very mature.

What happens if he 'gives up smoking' and he starts to 'earn more than you' but objects to you "wasting money on make-up???

DrMorbius · 03/09/2015 15:39

The real problems came when he started using the money to pay for things I don't like

I would tell your DH to LTB.

2rebecca · 03/09/2015 15:53

If you can't abide smoking you don't have a relationship with a smoker.
If he only started smoking after you married then it's him who is at fault. I wouldn't want to fund a nicotine (or any other) addiction. It would be ltb for me.

Blahdeblah111 · 03/09/2015 19:58

I earn about £15k more than my dp. It bothers me a bit because although I don't mind paying for more stuff, I also don't want him to expect it from me. I am also a bit tight with money haha.

Ex dp earnt similar but had major gambling addiction and we never really pooled our money because I thought why would I share mine with him when he throws his away.

MoonriseKingdom · 03/09/2015 22:25

My mum has always earned more than my dad, the disparity increased towards the end of their careers. I earned 3x what my husband earns, the gap is less since I recently went part time. This has never been an issue in my parents or my own relationship. I feel this is because we see ourselves as a combined unit and make major purchasing decisions together.

I think money (lack of it, attitude to spending/ debt) is a major source of tension in relationships. If you are having issues with it early on it is only likely to get worse.

BoboChic · 04/09/2015 07:19

Power is about getting your own way / what you want out of life. Ideally, IMO, in long term relationships couples will want to share power and identify the best possible compromises but it doesn't always work that way. When one half of a couple has self-esteem issues or perceives that they lack skills, they can become bitter/angry/manipulative/devious about what they want and blame their partner for taking control when all the partner has done is make better decisions. Obviously money helps a lot when taking decisions.

lushilaoshi · 07/09/2015 13:59

Wow, I'm 'controlling' because I told him to stop smoking and so he should leave me right now, and my husband smokes so I should leave him pronto? We are obviously doomed . 2rebecca you are very sanctimonious - I don't like a lot of things but guess what? The world's not perfect. Marriage is about compromise. Get off your high horses and tell me your relationships are perfect, those telling me to leave my husband...

He can give up smoking if he wants - I hate it but I can't stop him can I? I just didn't like him using joint money on something that will kill him, and likewise he got irritated with my using joint money on things he considers frivolous when we are trying to save up for a house. We both had a beef.

He will never earn more than me, so this is the way it's going to be and we needed to find a long term solution, so allowing each other a monthly sum out of joint money to spend on just ourselves was what we came up with and it works - he buys his cigarettes, I buy my lipstick. No 'joint' cash frittered. Not sure how that's not mature, Dr?

In fact, I think it's very immature that some are suggesting OP to LTB without having talked through the issue with her partner and trying to find a solution that works for them (not that works for some self righteous stranger on MN). No wonder UK divorce rates are so high.

lushilaoshi · 07/09/2015 14:01

I think you are very wise, Bobo.

Helenluvsrob · 07/09/2015 14:03

I earn more and work fewer hours ( in theory). Never even been mentioned in 25yrs!

Kr1stina · 07/09/2015 14:05

Divorce ?? They don't even live together

lushilaoshi · 07/09/2015 14:14

LTB, Kr1atine. My point is that MN advice is rarely to work at a relationship - one step wrong and it's LTB. Reflects a more general attitude towards relationships which I find quite repugnant.

Kr1stina · 07/09/2015 14:28

i think most posters said " red flag " not LTH

And they are only dating, so I think the Op is perfectly reasonable to be assessing if this is the man for her.

I see you mention " Mn advice ". There is no such thing - MN towers do not give out advice, MN is a collection of thousands of people all giving their own opinion. It's rarely unanimous .

And I find the attitudes on here refreshing rather than repugnant . Usually women are told to put up and shut up, because it's all about money and keeping up appearances .

Here I see relationships talked about in terms of mutual respect, support , giving, loyalty and kindness . Of caring for children and ensuring their best interests.

lushilaoshi · 07/09/2015 14:38

If you read the comments above, you will see that there are a number of posters who have suggested that I split up with my husband (or vice versa), never mind telling the OP to leave her boyfriend. And I didn't even ask for their shitty advice! I'm not saying 'put up and shut up', I'm saying have an adult conversation about the issue rather than just LTB - which, by the way, is a term so ubiquitous on this site that it even merits its own acronym.

Of course OP should be assessing whether this man is for her. Very sensible. I am merely telling her that it doesn't have to be a 'red flag', just something she should raise with her bf and if she likes him, try and find a solution.

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