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Original poster

Differing sex drives - is it definitely a deal-breaker?

62 replies

CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:20

Last night, DP and I had a really frank and honest chat about our differing sex drives, i.e, mine is WAY higher than his!

I'm not a stranger to this issue - I've had two LTRs before him and in both of those my sex drive was higher than the bloke's and I'll admit, my feelings of rejection and subsequent decrease in confidence and resentment contributed towards the splits. I know how toxic a difference in sex drives can be to a relationship.

I have had a few short term relationships in between where our sex drives appeared to match but then, that was all the relationships seemed to be about - sex.

DP and I have been together 18 months. As always, for the first several months, the sex was good and frequent and I was perfectly satisfied, but then it started to drop off.

We don't live together yet, although we want to next year. At the moment, our work and our living arrangements mean some weeks, we stay overnight together 2/3 times. I would happily have sex at least once on all of those occasions. DP would be happy with once. There are some weeks where we can only stay overnight once. I get frustrated if we don't have sex on that night, he is more relaxed about it. He is not as confident with sex and his body as I am and has a few more hang ups.

Generally, this is the best relationship I have ever been in. We are really affectionate and tactile, which I love. We get along brilliantly and the future looks really good. In many ways, we are perfect together.

Which is why I had a chat with him about the sex thing, because I don't want it to ruin things. We stayed together for the first time in a week last night, I tried to initiate sex and he said "not tonight" in effect and I got upset. So we had a long talk.

He said...that sometimes just because we've not stayed over for a week, he hates the thought that we HAVE to have sex that night. And that sometimes, he just doesn't feel like it as much as me. He said that it in no way means he doesn't fancy me, he does a lot, but he the fact we are very cuddly and we talk and kiss a lot means more than having sex. And that his drive is just not as high as mine.

He suggested ways that we could spend the night together more so that there wouldn't be all the pressure on just one night.

I said, I didn't want to move in together next year and sex life dwindle to no sex life at all and he agreed, but said he probably would never be someone who wanted it every day.

I don't want to ruin the relationship with just this issue, but with past experiences and everything i have read on this board, I am scared the relationship is doomed?

Is it something we can get past do you think?

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 01/09/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2015 12:24

Tbh it does sound doomed. He seems to feel pressure to have sex even if he hasn't seen you for a week. You're resentful (don't blame you) and he's resentful. I can't see how you will have enough sex to keep you happy while keeping him happy at the same time.

Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:25

I've just re-read that and I've made myself sound awful, like i demand and expect sex all the time. I don't, I just mean, sometimes I feel rejected, particularly if we haven't been able to sleep together for a while.

I don't throw a tantrum whenever he doesn't want to have sex!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:27

It's not that he doesn't do it for me sexually though - when we do have sex, it's great! I fancy him a lot.

Whenever I've been in a relationship, I've always wanted to have sex all the time and it never seems to dwindle for me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/09/2015 12:35

Obviously I don't know how you'd be if you were living with someone, but from what you describe, how you feel seems completely normal. I think the worst thing about differing sex drives is being made to feel you're abnormal. It would be horrible for either of you to feel that. Having said that the one with the higher drive will feel rejection, too; the other won't.

Awholelottanosy · 01/09/2015 12:39

I think it could well be a deal breaker if you are this badly mismatched so early on in the relationship. It may be better to cut your losses now. Or try swinging! Smile

Thurlow · 01/09/2015 12:48

I don't entirely think it will be a dealbreaker, but it is something you need to keep talking about.

To put it slightly from his perspective, my OH has a higher sex drive than me, though not that it's an enormous difference. But in this scenario he is you, and I'm your DP. He works many evenings and so we regularly find ourselves in a similar situation in that he's not been around for days and so I know that he would probably quite like to have sex that evening. And then something about 'knowing' you're probably going to have sex becomes... well, pretty unsexy. The almost scheduled nature of the sex can occasionally really take the appeal out of it. Plus, what if that one night he sees he really is tired, or has had a stressful day at work, or any of the other reasons people don't feel particularly in the mood?

There's nothing wrong at all with you preferring it most days, but equally there's nothing wrong with him not. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for you, which is fine. However, it's hard to judge entirely how these things are when you aren't living together.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 12:54

Sex drives vary over our lives so it's unlikely you'd have the same sex drive as your partner all the time. However, yours and dp seem to be very different at the outset of the relationship (when you'd normally expect it to be v high).
I wouldn't think it will get better...

Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:56

I don't think for me things will change that much if we do live together. I remember from my last 2 LTRs, pretty much every night or every morning, wondering if they're going to feel like having sex that day. Which makes me feel like maybe I am slightly abnormal? I mean, will I have really picked out 3 blokes with low sex drives, or is it just me with the really, really high one?

So that just makes me think, maybe I should just accept, I will be hard pushed to find a partner who wants it and thinks about it as much as I do.

Particularly one who is so lovely and right for me in every other area?

Maybe I should try and work around it?

Maybe swinging is the answer? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:58

But also, at the outset of the relationship, his did seem to match mine. As it always does in any relationship. It always seems to be after the 12 month mark, other people's drive dips and mine just doesn't.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 13:04

Hmm I can't think wanting sex 2-3 times a week (pre-kids(?)) is an abnormally high drive - but I guess it doesn't matter what's normal or not...why not give yourself six months and see how you feel?

HannaClotta · 01/09/2015 13:05

I think the only question you need to ask yourself is - Can you live with less sex regularly? Because if not, what do you suppose is going to happen? He'll just feel more pressured and less interested, and basically like a sex object.

As hard as it might be (no pun intended) I think you're probably too mismatched, going by your own admissions of past relationships and your ever present high sex drive.

And to say you'll never move in together, plus the fact that even in your current situation you're not getting enough (for you) I'd be wondering what the point of being together at all was? It doesn't sound like the non sex stuff is going to be enough for you to make up for it, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

Cut both your losses and move on before either of you waste anymore time.

If you were a man asking the same about a woman, what kind of responses do you think you'd get? It should be no different. Move on.

Awholelottanosy · 01/09/2015 13:08

Have a kid, that seems to kill most women's libido! Sorry, bit flippant. I've got a very high sex drive and I'd find it very difficult to be with someone who didn't. Depends on whether it's something you can live with, especially if he's great in every other area and you both want the same things in life. Would he consider an open relationship where you could get your needs met elsewhere?

HannaClotta · 01/09/2015 13:09

As for whether your sex drive is too high? G.P?

I do think all relationships start high (at least ime) but do dwindle comparatively speaking. So I wouldn't read much into what has happened up until now. If it's decreasing, but he's comfortable and thinks it's normal for him, then I'd take him at his word.

CousinChloe · 01/09/2015 13:10

Sex drives can change over time though, particularly when looking after small children is on the agenda for example.

It depends how important regular sex is to you, but I personally wouldn't throw away an otherwise lovely relationship for this, as one day you may be very happy with how things are in that department.

HannaClotta · 01/09/2015 13:12

Oh and second (or third/fourth) the swinging idea. Are the other aspects of a relationship that important to you OP? Or do you think you'd feel more fulfilled with a mutually beneficial 'arrangement'.

There's all sorts of places to find whatever floats your boat these days. No reason you couldn't find friendship AND frequent sex. With or without the same person for both? Grin

Is this in 'Sex'?
Perhaps you should post there for some suggestions?

Jan45 · 01/09/2015 13:18

18 months and the sex has gone off the burner already, could be a sign for you OP, I'd expect to be at it like rabbits still.

plonkie · 01/09/2015 13:26

Aw I actually really think there's a lot of hope for your relationship given the other lovely things you've said about him. I was you many years ago! Much higher sex drive than my dp, feeling so rejected when he turned me down etc. Not understanding how the hell a man can't want sex all the time!

I've been with him 13 years now and I'm so glad I stuck with him. He is fantastic in so many ways. Over time I accepted his lower sex drive, started to understand that it wasn't a reflection on me, that he loves and wants me. He just doesn't want actual sex as much. I get myself off in other ways (ahem).

Sex isn't everything. But then everyone is different! I can understand you feeling cheated out of the incredibly hot relationship you could have with a different guy. BUT would that other guy be as brilliant in other ways that matter?

I'm 36 weeks pregnant now and very happy with my choice, he's going to be a great dad!

pocketsaviour · 01/09/2015 13:28

I don't think I could cope with someone who only wanted it once a week, or felt "pressured" by the thought that if we hadn't seen each other all week, they'd be "expected" to have sex with me. If we hadn't seen each other all week, I'd expect both of us to be GAGGING for a shagging!

If it's like this now, before you even live together, can you imagine what it would be like after, when the frequency usually goes down anyway?

Joysmum · 01/09/2015 13:39

I think the fact that he feels pressured to have sex is where the problem is. I think it's rare for couples to be so perfectly matched in sex drive at all times but they don't feel pressured to have sex. This was be dreadful for him and awful for you to be perceived as a sex pest.

Greenlandrover · 01/09/2015 13:54

I'm the same, especially with the pressure issue. My boyfriend of 3 years stays over on Saturday nights only, and if I don't have sex that night, I think to myself, another whole week without!

It's not even about the physical aspect of sex, it's the 'connection', the intimacy. I think because the only other communication we have is texting during the week, there's a massive lack of intimacy, which is amplified when there's no close physical contact on the only night I see him. Talking and cuddling is great, but I just can't make that deeper connection with someone -within the framework of a long term relationship- unless there is regular sex.

It's making me feel distant, not closer to him.
But unlike you, I think if we lived together, that there would be more sex, just because we see eachother more!

So I understand your partner's point about feeling pressured every time he stays over.
Perhaps mine feels the same, that never occurred to me..

Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 14:05

Thanks for all of your replies...errrrm where to start...

We DO intend to move in together, we do see a future!
And I already have a young child! And even her arrival has done nothing to slow my drive down! Grin

She isn't his. I split from her dad for a number of reasons, but yeah a major one was a non-existent sex drive (she was practically a miracle). He never wanted sex in the end and it turned out, he had developed a porn addiction and I was never going to be able to compete with that.

The fact I have a DD is why we don't stay over so much. He does spend time with her but I don't really want him staying over when she is there until they know each other really well and she has stopped trying to get into my bed in the middle of the night. So although we see each other more often, we only spend the night together 1-2 times a week.

I think the reason he feels pressured into sex runs deeper than just our relationship. He had a pretty bad time of it in a previous relationship and he does have some body hang-ups at the moment due to recent weight gain (he's not enormous, just bigger than he is used to being). He has also had a lot of work stress. Plus, we have had a version of this conversation before so I guess he has known it's an issue?

So maybe that has added to any pressure` he might feel?
He did apologise for not being a normal bloke who wanted it all the time, which made me feel awful! I never set out to make him feel like that.

I think if we lived together, it would be more frequent, but I would have to accept it would never be as frequent as I seem to want it

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 14:05

*non-existent sex life

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 14:07

Yes Green!
I often find myself motivated by the thought "if we don't do it now, we won't until next week"

I guess that isn't very romantic

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2015 14:15

So this man's got weight issues and had an unspecified 'bad experience' in the past? I think there's quite a chance that the longer your relationship lasts, the less interest he will display in having sex. Quite a lot of men are actually not that bothered about frequent sex, particularly once they get into their 30s. However, given the sacred myth that all men are constantly desperate for sex, a man who is not that interested will generally find ways (if he is in a relationship) to make it somehow someone else's fault - either his female partner is too demanding, or she's always 'upsetting' him in some way that puts him off, or some other woman once messed him up and therefore he needs to be indulged all the time... because what a man like that really wants from a woman is domestic service and emotional support.