Differing sex drives - is it definitely a deal-breaker?

[CandidCora]

Last night, DP and I had a really frank and honest chat about our differing sex drives, i.e, mine is WAY higher than his!

I'm not a stranger to this issue - I've had two LTRs before him and in both of those my sex drive was higher than the bloke's and I'll admit, my feelings of rejection and subsequent decrease in confidence and resentment contributed towards the splits. I know how toxic a difference in sex drives can be to a relationship.

I have had a few short term relationships in between where our sex drives appeared to match but then, that was all the relationships seemed to be about - sex.

DP and I have been together 18 months. As always, for the first several months, the sex was good and frequent and I was perfectly satisfied, but then it started to drop off.

We don't live together yet, although we want to next year. At the moment, our work and our living arrangements mean some weeks, we stay overnight together 2/3 times. I would happily have sex at least once on all of those occasions. DP would be happy with once. There are some weeks where we can only stay overnight once. I get frustrated if we don't have sex on that night, he is more relaxed about it. He is not as confident with sex and his body as I am and has a few more hang ups.

Generally, this is the best relationship I have ever been in. We are really affectionate and tactile, which I love. We get along brilliantly and the future looks really good. In many ways, we are perfect together.

Which is why I had a chat with him about the sex thing, because I don't want it to ruin things. We stayed together for the first time in a week last night, I tried to initiate sex and he said "not tonight" in effect and I got upset. So we had a long talk.

He said...that sometimes just because we've not stayed over for a week, he hates the thought that we HAVE to have sex that night. And that sometimes, he just doesn't feel like it as much as me. He said that it in no way means he doesn't fancy me, he does a lot, but he the fact we are very cuddly and we talk and kiss a lot means more than having sex. And that his drive is just not as high as mine.

He suggested ways that we could spend the night together more so that there wouldn't be all the pressure on just one night.

I said, I didn't want to move in together next year and sex life dwindle to no sex life at all and he agreed, but said he probably would never be someone who wanted it every day.

I don't want to ruin the relationship with just this issue, but with past experiences and everything i have read on this board, I am scared the relationship is doomed?

Is it something we can get past do you think?

Can you sort yourself out a few times in the week to relieve the tension. Orgasm will relieve your frustration and you won't be a sex pest

I get insane the week I ovulate if Dh isn't all over me. I know it's not about us as a couple or our comparability . It's just my cycle .

I don't think it needs to be a deal breaker but you do have to think very carefully about the relationship and whether it is something you are able to live with long term. Is your relationship with him worth this sacrifice?

My dh has a lower sex.drive and always has. Even at the outset I could see this was the case and I thought a lot about whether it was a deal breaker for me. In the end I decided he is perfect in pretty much every other way so I stayed with him. We have been together over 8 years now.

It is manageable because we talk if it gets to being a problem. Also he shows me affection in so many other ways and always makes it clear he finds me sexy that I know it is not a rejection of me but just how he is. We also make sure that what we may lack in quantity we make up for in quality, so I might not get loads of sex but it is awesome :)

It can still be hard though and I have to be patient with him. It has got easier over time but I do think it is the aspect of our relationship most likely to cause our break up if we don't keep working on it.

Lots of good posts. IME, sexual incompatibility doesn't ever really go away, although in a long-term relationship the degree of incompatibility will fluctuate. Pregnancy, small kids, times when work or study commitments are particularly overwhelming, episodes of physical or mental illness, ttc - all these will affect how much sex you or he want, and depending on who is the one most affected your comparative levels of interest may come together more, or may diverge even more sharply. But at the end of the day, I don't believe the problem will resolve itself. He sounds like a keeper in lots of other respects, so you really have to weigh up whether all of those outweigh this one sticking point. Good luck.

thehypocritesoaf - Yep, we are both in full-time employment.

Although, I did say 2-3 times a day probably, and at least once usually.

We both work the same hours; there's usually morning sex and usually sex once or twice before bed or in the evening. I guess though, we're only 8 months in, that could should dwindle. But there are times when I just wanna snuggle my hot water bottle and then smother him whilst he snores like he is doing right now.

I think for me it would be a deal breaker.

I don't think I could get past the feeling of being rejected. Even though it isn't rejection it would feel like that and it would wear over time.

But I've been single for ages so I'm not one to talk!

Its a deal breaker if sex drives differ too much for too long. I can say that as having been both the high and low libido partner at different times during a long marriage. Either the deal brakes, is rewritten, or one of the partners is broken much faster than the other. It depends quite deeply on the attitude to the supply of sex and sex itself on the part of the low libido partner. If they have an attitude of 'if I dont want sex I cant even begin to do it' coupled with 'my partner loving me should match my sex drive' (which was my wifes attitude) things will become very grim fairly quickly. The opposite attitude 'I dont want sex but my partner does, I should do something about that because I love them' (which was my attitude when I was low libido) will potentially keep a relationship content for years, although that said there is a fundamental difference between genders having that non-hostile attitude to sex supply to a partner, for a woman using personal lubricant its simpler compared to a man getting and keeping an erection when he does not actually desire intercourse but his partner does.

Not necessarily. From what you've said, is it that he want to have sex less regularly than you, or is that when you're only staying over one night a week, the thought that it has to "that night" puts him off because it takes the spontanaeity/romance out of it. If you spent a whole week together or moved in together would it be fine to have sex more often, as there would be more choice/going with the mood rather than performing on cue IYSWIM. Some people prefer a bit of sexual tension/uncertainty/mystique to knowing exactly when it's going to happen.

If you find sex with him emotionally and physically satisfying then there will be a way to work out I think.

Shithappens, you've been together 8 months? Come back and tell us about it in 18 years

thehypocritesoaf - I'm not sure he'll last 18 years if last night's snoring is anything to go by

In answer to the original question, no, different sex drives don't have to be a deal breaker. My wife and I have lived with it for nearly 40 years, and although it's caused some significant problems during that time, the good aspects of our relationship have outweighed it. We discussed it at various times, without reaching a compromise that's acceptable to us both, and I finally agreed not to raise the issue again about 15 years ago, as it only caused distress to my wife.

I'm still unhappy about it, even now, but I've learned to live with it, without resorting to swinging ( a crazy suggestion, in my opinion. It may work for others, but it would definitely kill our relationship stone dead) or FWBs, or having an affair.

I guess it depends on whether the OP could make the same compromise. Is she prepared to have an LTR where there is sexual disparity but her partner is almost perfect in other ways, or does she keep searching for Mr. Right, whom she may never find, or find someone sexually in sync who will be less than perfect in other ways? And who knows, her drive may decrease, or disappear, as has been discussed in other threads, at which point the boot may be on the other foot.

Life and relationships aren't easy, unfortunately.

Thats a very insightful post Banquo.

candid you could be me right now. whilst I feel your pain I'm so relieved I'm not the only one who has this problem.
I moved in with my boyfriend over a year ago, before that we had an amazing sex life, all night sessions, places we shouldn't etc and there was me thinking oh my god when we live together it will be insane we'll be doing it all over the house 7 days a week...... I couldn't have been more wrong. I think I can count on both hands the number of times we've actually done it in the last year! Like you I struggle with my self esteem and it has been the root cause of countless sleepless nights me lying there waiting for him to touch me, disappointed if he didn't and then the negative thoughts would creep in.....
Having dated my fair share of cheaters as well I have convinced myself on numerous occasions that if he isn't getting it with me he must he getting it somewhere but he swears he isn't. We have talked and talked about it, how it makes me feel when we don't do it (currently on week 6 not that I'm counting!) how I need it etc but he always says the same things, he is too exhausted after a hard days work/too stressed/ just doesn't have the urges any more and then feels pressured and hates it when I try and schedule it in says nothing is less sexy in his eyes
Recently I have found that the nights when I really want it I have slept in the spare room which has helped no end with how i feel personally and I've been trying to look at why I feel it's so important (I think I do associate sex with love) and I've been trying to put myself in his shoes and how he would be perceived if it was the other way round. Nothing takes away the fact that I constantly feel like I need a good seeing to but I am just sorting myself out really when I get these urges
I don't know whether I'm convincing myself that all these things don't actually mean there is something wrong or missing from my relationship and we can make it work or if at the end of the day a good relationship is based on love and trust and friendship etc and not ripping each other's clothes off.....
Sorry there isn't much advice just wanted to let you know you aren't alone xx