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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Differing sex drives - is it definitely a deal-breaker?

62 replies

CandidCora · 01/09/2015 12:20

Last night, DP and I had a really frank and honest chat about our differing sex drives, i.e, mine is WAY higher than his!

I'm not a stranger to this issue - I've had two LTRs before him and in both of those my sex drive was higher than the bloke's and I'll admit, my feelings of rejection and subsequent decrease in confidence and resentment contributed towards the splits. I know how toxic a difference in sex drives can be to a relationship.

I have had a few short term relationships in between where our sex drives appeared to match but then, that was all the relationships seemed to be about - sex.

DP and I have been together 18 months. As always, for the first several months, the sex was good and frequent and I was perfectly satisfied, but then it started to drop off.

We don't live together yet, although we want to next year. At the moment, our work and our living arrangements mean some weeks, we stay overnight together 2/3 times. I would happily have sex at least once on all of those occasions. DP would be happy with once. There are some weeks where we can only stay overnight once. I get frustrated if we don't have sex on that night, he is more relaxed about it. He is not as confident with sex and his body as I am and has a few more hang ups.

Generally, this is the best relationship I have ever been in. We are really affectionate and tactile, which I love. We get along brilliantly and the future looks really good. In many ways, we are perfect together.

Which is why I had a chat with him about the sex thing, because I don't want it to ruin things. We stayed together for the first time in a week last night, I tried to initiate sex and he said "not tonight" in effect and I got upset. So we had a long talk.

He said...that sometimes just because we've not stayed over for a week, he hates the thought that we HAVE to have sex that night. And that sometimes, he just doesn't feel like it as much as me. He said that it in no way means he doesn't fancy me, he does a lot, but he the fact we are very cuddly and we talk and kiss a lot means more than having sex. And that his drive is just not as high as mine.

He suggested ways that we could spend the night together more so that there wouldn't be all the pressure on just one night.

I said, I didn't want to move in together next year and sex life dwindle to no sex life at all and he agreed, but said he probably would never be someone who wanted it every day.

I don't want to ruin the relationship with just this issue, but with past experiences and everything i have read on this board, I am scared the relationship is doomed?

Is it something we can get past do you think?

OP posts:
Coolforthesummer · 01/09/2015 14:20

I think if he's not up for it when you haven't seen each other all week then you've got a problem.

I second a pp's suggestion to give it another six months or so. If his sex drive has decreased even further then you have a decision to make. You don't want to end up in the same position you were in in your previous relationship.

Branleuse · 01/09/2015 14:30

it will end up you feeling ashamed of wanting sex. I dont think its at all unreasonable to want to have sex when you see each other after 18 mths.
id keep an eye on it, but your sex drive is entirely normal

HannaClotta · 01/09/2015 14:41

Sorry! That was me who misread the moving in part. Grin

It's difficult OP, I can see it from the different PoV posters have given. Maybe you would relax with time, and not feel rejected as a result of less sex. Perhaps he would feel less pressured and maybe want it more often? Only time would really tell that.

Maybe it is just the expectation that's killing it for him now? There's no fun like planned fun eh!

If you think he's worth it, then go for it OP. But don't kid yourself that you'll be happy with less sex than you'd like if things don't settle after a while. You'll only come to resent him and question yourself further.

Is there no way you can see each other more often? It's hard to get a real feel for what your relationship could be like, if you're only seeing each other once a week anyway. Especially to risk going from that to living together.

Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 14:45

In his defence, he's shown no signs of being a 'man like that' and i am well aware of red flags and what to look out for.

He's gained weight due to a change in job and lifestyle and isn't feeling that confident about his body, he admits.

His past experience is a very long relationship where he himself was rejected sexually and he says he lost confidence. He says most of his lack of sexual desire isn't from not being turned on but from anxiety surrounding it. I realise this might be drip feeding, sorry if it is.

I agree, i need to monitor it, I just don't want to sail through the next 6-12 months, realise it's too big an issue.

Surely, there is some way to work around it?

He says he wants to do what it takes to keep our relationship on track, I do too. I'd hate to think that just because I want more sex then he does, then we have no chance?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/09/2015 14:46

I don't know why you feel bad, you've done nothing wrong, he clearly has issues and as has been said, he's not up for sex after not seeing you for a week, that's just odd, esp after such a short time together.

OP, I know you want everything to be great and a lot of it is but really if you are not compatible in any way it can cause real issues, don't go moving in with him until you've dated him for a bit longer, see if anything changes.

Original poster
CandidCora · 01/09/2015 14:48

That is what he suggested, to try and see each other more and spend the night more.

The only way to do that for me is to integrate him more into my daughter's life, which is going to happen anyway if we are moving in together.

I suppose it really is a case of wait and see! Gah! I'm not very good at waiting and seeing. It's so tempting to just try and fix it. But I am determined never to try and fix another man.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 01/09/2015 14:48

Wasn't there a line in Sex and the City about what's a normal amount of sex - halfway between nothing and what you'd want?

I suspect many, if not most, couples have a degree of mismatch in their sex drives. It's a very personal thing and as you say, it is one thing amongst many characteristics in a good partner. If you have met a wonderful man who you like in every other respect but the sex is a bit of an issue, is that any different from meeting a wonderful man where his lack of driving is a bit of an issue, or his lack of cooking is a bit of an issue?

Entirely personally, I can't quite work out where the average couple, with jobs and children, would find the time to have sex once or twice every single day for a very long time, but then I am possibly just very lazy nor not a fan of a quickie Grin

One thing that does jump out, as you have mentioned it twice, is that you feel rejected if he doesn't want sex. Is there a reason you see his lack of interest in sex that night as a lack of interest in you? For most people, when they're not in the mood for sex, it's got little to do with their partner and a lot more to do with themselves, their mood, their tiredness etc.

Coolforthesummer · 01/09/2015 15:07

I think the advice for mismatched couples is the person who wants the most sex has to fall in line with the person who wants the least.

Could you do that? Or are you hoping he will want more sex as time progresses? (Unlikely.)

ShitHappens1 · 01/09/2015 17:22

If I'd not seen my boyfriend for a week and he didn't want sex with me, I'd feel pissed off, rejected, unwanted... The list is endless.

That's because I have a high sex drive. I would need it. I personally couldn't deal with this. Thankfully, my partner and I are pretty well matched in that we have it probably 2-3 times a day, and at least once a day usually. If there's a dry patch for a couple of days, it doesn't matter because it's usually so frequent. But for it to be quite usual for there to be dry patches, I'd struggle.

I really think this one is down to you, OP, and whether you can live with that constant feeling of rejection or wondering when he'll want you.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 17:31

2-3 times a day?! Are you both in full time employment?

WhySoAngry · 01/09/2015 17:41

Would all the posters here saying the man needs to 'man up' explain why their advice is the opposite of what they giving on the So - DH thinks it's my wifely duty to have sex with him even when I don't feel like it thread.

There the man is considered a pest for wanting his wife to have sex with him when she doesn't want to. Isn't that what's happening here?

Is it one rule for men and a different rule for women? If he doesn't want to have sex that often why should he be co-erced into it simply because she has a higher sex drive than him. That's what's happening in reverse in the 'wifely duty' thread and everyone is blaming him for not being able to control himself.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 17:43

Eh? Where are all the posters saying he needs to man up?

NewLife4Me · 01/09/2015 17:48

I don't think there is a huge problem and that when you are seeing more of each other i.e living together it will be better. I can see the pressure he is under when you only manage one night a week together and can also see how you are pissed off that you don't have sex on this one night.
If you both learn how to compromise I'm sure you can work it out and when he's around a bit more maybe the pressure will lift a bit too.

WhySoAngry · 01/09/2015 17:49

No-one is saying the OP should stop pestering her DP for sex.

Surely double standards are at work here.

Jan45 · 01/09/2015 17:52

sex 3 times a day, aye sure.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/09/2015 18:00

WhySoAngry please:

  1. point out where anyone has said 'man up' about the OP's partner
  2. where ther is any suggestion the OP has 'pestered' her partner for sex

I put it to you neither thing had happened!

Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/09/2015 18:00

Apols for typos.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 18:01

Where did they all say he needs to man up?
You're making it up.

HannaClotta · 01/09/2015 18:03

I think there has been quite a balanced set of views actually WhySoAngry. I can see what point you're trying to make, I don't think this is the thread to make it on however. Have you actually RTFT or just looking for a row?

I did notice how there were a few similar type threads today and wondered how long it would be before somebody tried to derail.

And I for one did make the point early on about men/women. Just better.

And since when did the op admit to pestering him for sex? And who told her to tell him to man up? Stop talking out of your arse.

Joysmum · 01/09/2015 18:04

So this man's got weight issues and had an unspecified 'bad experience' in the past? I think there's quite a chance that the longer your relationship lasts, the less interest he will display in having sex

Really? I'm in that category and my sex drive has improved as my confidence has.

Ragwort · 01/09/2015 18:08

I think it does sound as though you are mis matched sexually - my DH and I have very different sex drives (well, mine is non existant) and it does put a huge strain on both of us - I know my DH is unhappy with our sex life - and I would be very happy to be celibate. Other aspects of our relationship are good (we have been married a long time Grin). But if your sex drives are so clearly different and you have been disappointed by previous sexual relationships - perhaps you do need to be very, very careful before moving in with this guy - especially as you have a young child.

pocketsaviour · 01/09/2015 18:08

WhySoAngry looooves this kind of thread where he can cry "What about the MENZZZZ" Usually with made up shit thrown in, you know, just for laughs, because when will these women realise rape culture is funny?

Just ignore it and it will go away. (Works on 100% of pimples, wasps and MRAs.)

WhySoAngry · 01/09/2015 18:11

Joysmum: I think the fact that he feels pressured to have sex is where the problem is

Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/09/2015 18:14

OP this one is really tricky. As you suggest the man sound a real keeper for all other aspects of your relationship!

Personally, I'd struggle with the mismatched sex drive and would struggle to see now it would improve. If anything from what you describe I can only foresee the sex dwindling even more as time goes on... That is if nothing radically changes (e.g. your partner taking steps to address the underlying issues he blames for his low sex drive).

Do you feel (gut instinct) that it really is his self esteem/body confidence that's holding him back, or would you say it's just a lower interest/lower importance placed in sex than you have?

If the latter then (for me) that would be a concern. If the former, then there's hope the issue can be worked on together.

By the way he sounds a lovely man. What a shame there's just one sticking point. Not insignificant though IMO.

lighteningirl · 01/09/2015 18:20

I am in my fifties my dh nearly sixty and together nearly ten years we have more sex than that we have never gone a week we both of us suffered in earlier relationships with mismatched sex drives it's not a small thing hold out for a man who beats to your rhythm