So - DH thinks it's my wifely duty to have sex with him even when I don't feel like it.

[LikeIcan]

How do I deal with this attitude?

[ineedabodytransplant]

LikeIcan, you don't have to put up with this bastard assaulting you. Your body is your property, not his. I've bleated about this loads on here, but I was in a marriage where my wife never wanted to be intimate in any way. I never, ever pestered her and I 'lasted' for seventen years before I called it a day because I wanted to stay true to my vows. I could never imagine pestering a woman into having sex and actually enjoying it. And your osn may pick up on the 'entitled' signs. Not good

I wish you luck, you deserve better. The right to decide when, and with who, you make love.

[ineedabodytransplant]

son, not osn!

[LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours]

If your son overheard his father pressuring you for sex and then raping you, do you think he would still adore him? That would be far more damaging to him than leaving would be.

It's not mild abuse OP, sulking may be 'mild abuse', to some, but once he then goes ahead and has sex with you, knowing that you are not consenting through your own free will it turns from mild abuse to a serious crime.

If you only staying for your son, the clearly all isn't bright and rosy expect for the small matter of your husband being a rapist, is it?

You deserve better than this OP. Please try and access real life help.

And next time he sulks when you say no ask him why he wants to rape you, the woman he purports to love.

[Jan45]

That's also shocking, that he actually enjoys having sex with a woman who clearly isn't into it at all.

[differentnameforthis]

but he's never literally forced me. But I'm getting so worn down. Well, he IS forcing you, isn't he? Because you give in to avoid abuse & him sulking.

OP, be aware that your ds will think this is how you conduct a relationship.

Do you want him to be abusive too? Because this is what you are teaching him.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I suggest making some plans and checking out the financial situation - do you work, is the house bought or rented, whose name is it in, etc. Get all the relevant information in place and decide whether it would be better for you and your DS to move out, or for your H to go. Once you have worked that out, tell your H that the marriage is over because of his repeated sexual abuse of you and (if you have worked out that it would be better for him to be the one who leaves) that he must move out. And that if he doesn't leave, you will call the police and have him charged with rape. And that you will tell everyone that you have ended the marriage because he kept raping you.

Because it is rape to carry on pressuring a woman for sex when she has said no, when she is lying there quietly crying as you do it, when you do it again and again and again.

[ArcheryAnnie]

LikeICan I'm so sorry to read all this.

It has nothing to do with how much time it takes, how tired you are, etc etc. It doesn't matter if you have all the time in the world spare - if you don't want sex, that's final, and he should respect that. If he doesn't respect that, it's abuse. He is abusing you, and he is modelling abuse as a part of marriage for your son.

If he browbeats you to death until you comply, then that can hardly be counted as enthusiastic consent.

None of this is your fault. I also wonder at a man who can find sexual enjoyment in ten minutes of forced sexual activity with someone he professes to love, but who doesn't seem to mind hurting until they cry.

You have all my support and sympathy.

[Joysmum]

Please read up on sexual coercion.

He is abusive towards you and as much as your son loves his father he'd not want you to pay the price of rape to keep the family together.

[Aramynta]

Oh LikeICan

Your children will want you to be happy and you are right, DS can probably tell you aren't. Something has got to give here and they way your DH is treating you is really not on.

[YonicScrewdriver]

He is raping you and doesn't care that he's making you cry three times a week.

[LikeIcan]

Thank you all so much for your support - I know I can't go on living like this but just need to find the strength to break away.
I know deep down me & ds would be a lot happier living on our own. I just want peace.

[AstrantiaMallow]

My stbxh takes the same attitude as your husband -- note the stbx...

I didn't lack sexual desire to begin with, in fact quite the opposite, but the fact that I wasn't listened to on a regular basis means that I lost all respect and desire for him and for sex with him. It also gradually badly messed with my head as I was constantly questioning myself and felt maybe it was happening because I was lacking. It's only when things escalated badly I realised it really wasn't my fault. I also realised I couldn't do it anymore or would end up in a MH unit a few years down the line if I stayed. I think it's a very difficult thing to acknowledge that the person you married is actually raping you. I still struggle thinking of it like this and using the word in that context is really hard for me.

My stbx was also capable of being loving and attentive, but he wasn't when he didn't get what he wanted and in any case it was on his terms. A lot of this is about power, I realise it now. If your husband sees you cry and you've told him, there is no way he doesn't know how you feel, and so I really don't see how you could 'deal with it'. Does he ever say anything when he sees you cry?

I really recommend you phone Rape Crisis now, OP, as a first step. To talk through what's happening and feel stronger.

[Whatifitoldyou]

Your rapist husband belongs in prison. I hope you get yourself away from this nasty abuser.

[Jan45]

Yes control over the person is a big thing with men who feel entitled.

Only you can change things OP, and by the sounds of it as you say yourself you will be a lot happier, a happier mummy means a happier child.

[HannaClotta]

Well that's a start OP! I'm pleased you recognise that. MN is full of wonderfully caring and supportive women and I'm sure there will be people jumping over themselves to help and support you in any way they can. Even if it's just for a bit of moral and to offload.

This isn't you, this is him, and sadly there are other women out there in this same situation. Please find that strength to get out, and have the life you deserve. Perhaps/hopefully you can be here (or anywhere) in the future giving advice to another woman in a similar situation.

take care, and good luck. And make sure you start saying NO! It is a full sentence.

[HannaClotta]

Sorry! MN is full of wonderfully caring and supportive women AND men. There are plenty of good ones out there, you just need to get away from this excuse of a man.

[MazyCrummy]

My exH was just the same. Relate helped me to see it for what it was - please try to find some RL support that can help you plan what you want to do.

I 'snapped' and threw him out when I suddenly realised how awful it'd be if any of my DC thought it was the right way to behave towards their future partners, or expect from them.

Please PM me if you'd like to talk more

[beltanelove]

Wow, I needed to read this thread. Am sorry for your situation OP and I really understand the confusion it can cause in your own head. The problem I have is that this happened to me a couple of nights ago. DH has pressured me a bit at times since having our son almost 2 years ago. I don't feel like having sex much and he wants it a few times a week. We did have sex two weeks ago on holiday. He has always just moaned at me, said I didn't meet his needs and generally pester me until I give in once in a while. The problem is on Monday night he had a bit to drink and it became a bit horrible where I explicitly and repeatedly said I didn't want to have sex but he kept moaning at me. He manipulated me saying he loved me and wanted to feel loved. I feel bad because I know he doesn't feel very loved. But I was crying and in the end said he should just get it over with and do it. He did and kept asking me to do things that turned him on that I was uncomfortable with like moaning and putting my arms up. All yesterday i felt so strange. I felt hollow. I read up on coercive rape but I feel confused because maybe I am not giving him enough attention and thats why he pesters. I just feel Monday was a turning point. I have been considering leaving. Sorry to shift focus OP. This could be a one off, he said it won't happen again.

[TisILeclerc]

Your post resonated so much with me. I used to just let my exh get on with it for a quiet life. Very often I used to cry while he was doing it. I always told myself that he didn't know, because what sort of monster would be able to have sex on a woman he professed to love while she cried?

Turns out that my exh was that sort of monster. A few weeks before I kicked him out I told him I often cried and he looked at me like I was telling him the sky was blue and said he knew

We were divorced on May 22nd. I've never been happier and nor have my children. They see him regularly but I'm happy (currently) that they are safe. He's not allowed to contact me in any way other than by email and there is an open police file on him. The police took the sexual coercion very seriously. I'm not saying that you should go to the police if you don't want to, just trying to validate this for you. Sexual coercion is a crime. You do not have to accept this.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Beltane I'm sorry that you were raped. Your husband knows he raped you or he wouldn't be saying it wouldn't happen again.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

In the short term, before you leave, you need to protect yourself from coercion.

Have you considered telling him straight that you do not intend to ever have sex with him again because you have lost all sexual attraction for him as a direct result of his pressure to provide him with pity sex. Maybe he'll sulk but leave you alone if he knows he is definitley not getting any.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

He's pressuring you into sex, when you don't want it. There is a word for that.
It's your body. Belongs to you and you alone. It's not your wifely duty to do anything.
I'd never tell a stranger on the Internet whose live I know nothing about to LTB, but I think and I hope you are taking a long hard look at your future in the relationship.

[SomeonesRealName]

My ex husband used to do this to me. I would cry sometimes as well, although that just made him more angry and nasty. It's been interesting to read the thread and reflect on things. I don't think about it very often as it was so long ago and the abuse took other forms after a while, but it's just another reason to be glad I finally had the good sense to walk away. Hope you're ok OP and do keep posting for support. The women on this forum got me out of a bad situation and gave me support when I needed it most.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

He's not that bright is he? All this badgering, coercing and making you feel guilty isn't the best way for him to oil your wheels is it?