So - DH thinks it's my wifely duty to have sex with him even when I don't feel like it.

[LikeIcan]

How do I deal with this attitude?

He's ok in lots of other ways ( works hard good dad, helps around the house ) but the sex thing is killing me & it's not getting any better. The reason I've stayed is because of our son who adores his dad.

Oh LikeIcan are you ok?

I was hoping this was just a conversation you and he had,not the actual reality of your life.

I'm sorry.

He's raping you. Is it every day?

Oh OP, your son will adjust.

It might be hard at first for all of you, but in the long run everyone will be happier (except perhaps the rapist, but he is the cause of this anyway)

I can't imagine that you are able to happily get on with a relaxing day knowing you are going to be sexually assaulted later that night.

Your child will be picking up on your anxiety and the tension.

Your son will still see his dad and can still adore him.

Imagine if you stay and he realises his father is raping his mother as a teenager?

Have you tried accessing any support in RL? I believe Woman's Aid has a helpline. They should be able to support you through this and find you some help.

It happens about 3 times a week.
I haven't got anyone to confide in in RL

What is the sex likem Does he try, properly, for it to be mutually enjoyable or is this, as I suspect, about power and controlling you?

Ltb and find somebody you want to have sex with.
Any decent man would be finding out why his wife didn't want to spend time with him and favoured fb more.
He must realise your relationship isn't normal and that his sexual urges would be met if he did something about your poor relationship.
Find somebody who is interested in you. x

He can still adore his dad living apart.

I get that for men sex can mean intimacy, but still, he can't be that dumb that he'd rather force sex on his wife, regardless of what she feels like, if what he really wants is for her to spend time with him. I'm pretty sure most men find a way of getting that attention without insisting on sex when the other doesn't want it. (except my ex, who thought it was better to resort to violence at some point)

Why is sex only about him?

What do you get from it if anything?

Where does his idea of a loving relationship come from? He sounds like a teenage boy rather than a man.

Someone who has sex with someone who doesn't want to is a rapist, and shouldn't really be allowed to model relationships for young people.

Thing is he is very attentive, always telling me he loves me, & I know he'd do anything I wanted sexually - problem is I don't want sex hardly ever & he wants it a lot. We have spoken about this & his attitude is I should have sex just to please him?

what happens when you say no?

I know he'd do anything I wanted sexually

Except he isn't. Because he is not doing now what you want, which is not to have sex.

Can you figure out if you don't want to have sex in general, or sex with him?

And the worst sex drive killer is being forced to do it. I think once you feel you have been forced to, you can never regain the desire to be with that person that you may have felt initially.

I had this with my first marriage,a few years after I'd got him to leave it became illegal to rape your own wife.Fuck knows why it was ever allowed to be classed as legal.

It was horrendous,at the time I had no where to turn and I put up with it from the age of 16-25.I was constantly pressured every single day that we were together,3 times a day.It was never enough for him.

LTB would be my suggestion.Men that think like this don't normally change OP.

If I say no he just sulks & gets mildly abusuve - but he's never literally forced me. But I'm getting so worn down. If he was nicer to me about it I might feel differently. This is where I get confused. Should I just do it for a quiet life - I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP but honestly, I couldn't be with someone who had so little respect for me and my feelings. It would kill any feelings I had for him. You are not his plaything, you are his wife.

Oh and I'm sorry but a 'good dad' doesn't abuse the mother of his child

How does the sulking and the mild abuse stop? By you giving in?
What is the mild abuse?

Like others have said, this is rape. His attitude is unlikely to change. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Can you take steps to leave?

Do not ever doubt yourself. You are totally uncomfortable about this and it is rape via coercion and guilt tripping.

You should never, ever just put up and shut up for a quiet life either. How old are your DC?

Lweji - it's all verbal abuse.

I agree with this, based on being in a similar situation to the one OP describes: "And the worst sex drive killer is being forced to do it. I think once you feel you have been forced to, you can never regain the desire to be with that person that you may have felt initially."

Ds is 15, & I'm sure he knows things aren't great between his mum & dad.

Shocked at this, you actually think you should be giving him sex even when you don't want to, I think the reason he is abusing you sexually is because you are compliant, stand up for yourself and tell him to go and fuck off, he has no respect for you OP, and I bet he is watching porn all the time and has developed an unhealthy attitude, disgusting excuse for a man.

Sex is something men and women do together, with each other. It is not something which men do TO women. (Obviously this applies to heterosexual relationships only. I don't know much about abuse in same sex relationships, but it does of course happen.)

It is not uncommon for partners to have wildly different libidos and for that to cause stress within a relationship. Its not easy to resolve because it is such an oppositional thing - trying to find a way forward is not easy.

In a functioning, loving and respectful relationship, it should be possible for that to be discussed in a supportive way that respects both partner's needs and does not prioritise one over the other. For some, that may involve counselling if that is thought to be helpful by both parties.

This is not your situation and the fact the your H is petulant and "mildly abusive" is deeply worrying. Under no circumstances are you ever obliged to let him use your body. There is a whole gulf between "I love my OH and want to work towards a sex life that works for us both" and "I am owed sex". Your OH is in the second camp - he is wrong.

He can't be loving and attentive if part of the time he is verbally abusive.