I have been with my DP for 3.5 years, and we have lived together for 2 years. Over the past year, I have started to feel quite rubbish about myself and feel like it is a battle with DP to be a good partner. I can't work out what is going on or why, and what I can do to change it. Maybe I am not in the wrong, I dont know. My head is all over the place.
In the last year, my DP has secretly looked at flats to buy on his own when we were supposedly saving to buy a house together. I confronted him about this, and he confessed that he had talked about it with his mum and she had said it wasnt a good idea to buy together at this stage (he's 28). I was very angry about this and told him he needed to grow up, that this was between us, that of he didnt want to move forwards then i didnt want a relationship with him etc. His response was to apologise profusely, say that he loved me so much and that he couldnt imagine life without me and didnt want to lose me.
The next big thing was him telling his mum and 2 mutual friends that he was thinking of taking a job abroad, and not telling me. When I found out, his excuse was that he didnt want to upset me until it was all finalised. I was so upset and felt embarassed in front of our mutual friends and undermined about how he had dicussed this with his mum when I was the one living with him and sharing my income and my future with him!! he didnt understand this and claimed he had done it to protect me. I then felt sorry for him and tried to explain that he needed to talk to me, not do things like that. He agreed.
A few months later, he takes the job abroad after we talk about it and i say i will support him with the decision as it is for 6 months. i later find out that the position was offered for 9 months, and he knew this all along but hadnt told me as he was worried i would end it and he didnt want to lose me. again, and big sob story about how he had messed up and i felt very guilty for shouting and swearing at him for lying to me again.
Before he took the job abroad, he agreed i could have use of his car while he was out of the uk. we had dicussed this and i explained if i didnt use his i would have to get my own car as i didnt have transport. he said it made sense for me to use his car. 2 weeks before he left, he told him he was uncomfortable with me using his car as it was 'his pride and joy,' and that he had changed his mind. i was in a shitty situation because i had no way to get too work. luckily, he changed his mind back after a huge argument and a lot of upset - i wished he had just said this from day 1 and i would have organised my own car. i thought we were a couple and therefore operating as a team to save money to together etc.
All through these times, his mum has suggested she and him move in together, and also specified that she wants to see my DP alone, without me there. This means that when he worked away and came back to visit, many of our days were spent apart because she wanted time with just him. I have always been incredibly nice to this woman, but she seemed intent on making me out to be an awful girlfriend. She deosnt speak to her ex husband and refuses to allow his name to be mentioned in the house, after 16 years of being divorced. This has hurt me a lot.
I am left feeling utterly confused at my DP's behaviour. I have done nothing but do my best by him. Each time the above events have happened, he says he loves me, is sorry and only did all these things to protect me...as if I am some child who needs to be patronised, not an adult who deserves respect. He makes me feel like im the one who makes him behave like this...as if he cant be honest with me because hes trying to protect me. it doesnt make sense and i am left wondering where i went wrong. i have always supported my DP, maybe i got too angry when he did these things and that made him apprehensive about being honest with me? all i know now is that i feel exhausted with trying to second guess his behaviour and have some kind of normal life. maybe im not capable of having that with someone, i can be quite full on in terms of wanting to move forwards.
any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.