Can anyone explain why DP does this and what I can do to change it?

[maybelycrainpink]

I have been with my DP for 3.5 years, and we have lived together for 2 years. Over the past year, I have started to feel quite rubbish about myself and feel like it is a battle with DP to be a good partner. I can't work out what is going on or why, and what I can do to change it. Maybe I am not in the wrong, I dont know. My head is all over the place.

In the last year, my DP has secretly looked at flats to buy on his own when we were supposedly saving to buy a house together. I confronted him about this, and he confessed that he had talked about it with his mum and she had said it wasnt a good idea to buy together at this stage (he's 28). I was very angry about this and told him he needed to grow up, that this was between us, that of he didnt want to move forwards then i didnt want a relationship with him etc. His response was to apologise profusely, say that he loved me so much and that he couldnt imagine life without me and didnt want to lose me.

The next big thing was him telling his mum and 2 mutual friends that he was thinking of taking a job abroad, and not telling me. When I found out, his excuse was that he didnt want to upset me until it was all finalised. I was so upset and felt embarassed in front of our mutual friends and undermined about how he had dicussed this with his mum when I was the one living with him and sharing my income and my future with him!! he didnt understand this and claimed he had done it to protect me. I then felt sorry for him and tried to explain that he needed to talk to me, not do things like that. He agreed.

A few months later, he takes the job abroad after we talk about it and i say i will support him with the decision as it is for 6 months. i later find out that the position was offered for 9 months, and he knew this all along but hadnt told me as he was worried i would end it and he didnt want to lose me. again, and big sob story about how he had messed up and i felt very guilty for shouting and swearing at him for lying to me again.

Before he took the job abroad, he agreed i could have use of his car while he was out of the uk. we had dicussed this and i explained if i didnt use his i would have to get my own car as i didnt have transport. he said it made sense for me to use his car. 2 weeks before he left, he told him he was uncomfortable with me using his car as it was 'his pride and joy,' and that he had changed his mind. i was in a shitty situation because i had no way to get too work. luckily, he changed his mind back after a huge argument and a lot of upset - i wished he had just said this from day 1 and i would have organised my own car. i thought we were a couple and therefore operating as a team to save money to together etc.

All through these times, his mum has suggested she and him move in together, and also specified that she wants to see my DP alone, without me there. This means that when he worked away and came back to visit, many of our days were spent apart because she wanted time with just him. I have always been incredibly nice to this woman, but she seemed intent on making me out to be an awful girlfriend. She deosnt speak to her ex husband and refuses to allow his name to be mentioned in the house, after 16 years of being divorced. This has hurt me a lot.

I am left feeling utterly confused at my DP's behaviour. I have done nothing but do my best by him. Each time the above events have happened, he says he loves me, is sorry and only did all these things to protect me...as if I am some child who needs to be patronised, not an adult who deserves respect. He makes me feel like im the one who makes him behave like this...as if he cant be honest with me because hes trying to protect me. it doesnt make sense and i am left wondering where i went wrong. i have always supported my DP, maybe i got too angry when he did these things and that made him apprehensive about being honest with me? all i know now is that i feel exhausted with trying to second guess his behaviour and have some kind of normal life. maybe im not capable of having that with someone, i can be quite full on in terms of wanting to move forwards.

any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

He is controlled by his demanding and overbearing DM - so he has learnt to be passive aggressive - ie avoid confrontation, not commit, withdraw, be an irresponsible man-child. This behaviour drives you to distraction and makes you very angry as your relationship is an illusion.

Yes he is flawed by his childhood experience - but HE doesnt see it so HE cant fix it. You will become more and hurt and angry and exhausted - this toxic dynamic will send you into a spiral of depression.

Please walk away...

www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Don't waste anymore time on this man, he has issues he can't or won't fix.

You're a housekeeper with benefits, he's a narcisstic, manipulative mummy's boy, tied to her apron strings.

Ok, if that's what you want then stay, but don't for one moment imagine that it's ever going to change. He's got you well and truly believing him every time he lies.

Surely you can see what's going on? He's made it bloody clear you don't feature in his priorities let alone in his plans for the future....they are for him and his darling mummy.........

I want to be with a man not a child.

How are you going to meet a man when you've saddled yourself with this child instead?

How many more threads is it going to take before you stop throwing your time down the toilet?

This "man" is horribly damaged by his mum; he doesn't recognise that, and probably never will. You cannot save him. You cannot change him. All you can do is walk away.

Why is dp doing this?

Because this is who he is and this is the life he wants. All his needs are being met.

Otherwise it would be him who was unhappy and posting for advice on what to do. He's prepared to reassure you and make the right noises when you get upset enough to threaten your relationship so things go back to normal, but if he felt strongly about your wishes, your feelings, his relationship with you, he would have made changes.

If you feel you get enough from the relationship to want to stay in it for the moment, even accepting that these issues will make you regularly unhappy, then you do need to be very careful and have your eyes wide open to the risks of becoming financially and legally very vulnerable. Read around the forum here. Learn from women whose dhs in similar enmeshed relationships with their mothers have been legally shafted by documents drawn up behind their backs. Consider getting independent legal advice to look at your own affairs and security. You already know you cannot trust this man and that he will deceive you for his own benefit over things crucial to your financial wellbeing and safety, he has shown you that repeatedly.

You also need to be very aware that having a child with this man is likely, from the experience of women who have been through it, to massively ramp up his mother's behaviour and enmeshment with him, and you will then be legally tied into his and his mother's lives for 18 years with them continuing to have a great deal of power over you even if you separate from him and begin a relationship with someone else.

Read as much as you can, books like Toxic Parents, Toxic Inlaws, Why Does He Do That, and inform yourself all you can. You are very unlikely to ever be able to change him or his dynamic with his mother: if you read around you'll find this is known relationship pattern which can be very dysfunctional, but you can inform and protect yourself.

You've all the same advice before OP, what's different this time?

Good grief - even if he did decide to live with you again, mummy will always come first. Come on OP - have some bloody self respect and get rid of this loser.

I do believe there are better men out there who wouldn't break me like this and would put me first.
because from what I know, that's what you do in a relationship - support each other with personal goals and dreams and plans, as well as plans together
Fed up of childish behaviour.

You have said it yourself. Why are you still living with someone who isn't ready to actually live WITH you?

Each time he says he understands yet he does it again.
He is showing you he is NOT ready to change. If his behaviour doesn't change, are you ready to live with him in these circumstances? I suspect not and this is your deal breaker.
Don't waste your time, you will regret it.

I had one of these once. He wanted a partner, for his needs. Someone to be there for him. But he also wanted to have his lovely Golden Child status with his parents. So it was a constant battle. Exhausting and futile.

Get rid.

FlyingFox

Eventually the stress of it all made me very ill but yes there was a 'straw that broke the camel's back' moment, I asked him to leave for a few days to give me time to think...the moment he left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I've never once regretted my decision. It's hard at times because his parents are still very much driving his behaviour, but I'm out of it.

There were so many red flags before we got married but I ignored them. I can't regret it totally as I have 2 amazing boys, but it's hard at times.

He's a mummy's boy.

I dated one when I was 20 for two years (he was 30). Still lived with his parents, his mum used to massage his feet. He used to take his mum shopping on his days off, she had to go to Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Aldi, M&S as she got different stuff from each supermarket. Because of this he spent less time with me, could only meet me in the afternoons etc etc. We split up.

5 years later on, we bumped into each other. Met up for a coffee. He still lived with his parents. He had a good job, police, could afford his own place etc. Once a mummy's boy, always a mummy's boy. Yawn.

Run, OP, run.

There is no partnership at all from what you're saying. He is making massive life decisions that affect both of you without discussing them together, and is not making you a priority at all. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Sounds like his Mum is overly involved in his life too, and that probably won't change at this stage!

Based on what you've said, I'd get rid.

Lots of people on here keep asking you - why are you still in the relationship? why are you looking for different answers to those that you have ben given repeatedly?

Often people who stay stuck in dysfunctional relationships are "co-dependent" - they try too hard, for too long, to try to fix a situation - they dont accept that it cant be fixed. Could this be you? Everyone on here would have walked long ago - what weakness in you is keeping you stuck? This is the only thing that you need to recognise and fix.

Have a look at these....www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

www.coda-uk.org/index.php?page=patterns-characteristics-of-co-dependency

maybelycrainpink
"I don't want to be in a battle with his mother. I can't be bothered."

You already are

"I want to be with a man not a child."

then be with one, but this one isn't it.

Send him this.

"Dear Twat

You are fucking dumped. I'm sure you and your manipulating cow mother will be very happy together. Do not contact me again.

Fuck off,

Flying fox."

Then go completely NC.

Sorry OP it's not flying fox is it?

This is your 4th or 5th thread about this now isn't it?

You wouldn't treat a dog the way he treats you, but hey you just keep going back for more. It's actually not surprising at all.

Grow a backbone, get some self-respect and get out of there.

From his point of view, there is no need to inform you at the planning stage, about his decisions that may upset you, as he has already decided that he is going to do whatever he wants anyway. He might as well suffer the earache later than sooner.
Makes sense if you are a self-absorbed man who doesn't care about others opinion. So why is he with you? Probably because you are the only one who has so far put up with it all and lets him have his own way on every occasion.
Sad how you seem to show your support of his decisions and behaviour as a good thing you are doing, because it's not. A relationship does not mean you say yes to everything the other wants or put up with lies. How or why would he ever change as by putting up with it all you are re-enforcing to him every time that his approach is working.
Maybe a long history of failed relationships, being dumped by many, will eventually make him sit up and take note in the future. The longer he is with someone who lets him do it, the less likely he will ever see it as a problem.

"i always say that I am here to support him as a team and that he just needs to be honest and we can be a mature couple who respect one another. I've tried so many times to make him see that he doesn't need to lie to me - when I know what's going on I'm very open to whatever choices he makes, because from what I know, that's what you do in a relationship - support each other with personal goals and dreams and plans...

"Each time he says he understands yet he does it again"

You sound a little like his counsellor,....Or as if you've learned that openness, honesty and mutual support makes a good relationship, and that you're trying to get him to see it too, in the hope that will fix things.

But his actions show he's not interested in playing by those rules.

Mutual support, honesty and openness are good - but they only work with people who share those goals. If your partner doesn't, you can be open and honest till you're blue in the face: and they will carry on lying, pleasing themselves, and effectively taking the p out of you, for as long as you put up with it.

He knows all he has to do is say he's sorry/offer to marry you/ tell you a sob story and you'll be right there, ready to take more of the same....

Don't be that woman, OP.

Op you always disappear when people recognise you. Have you thought of creating one thread and maybe posters can support you better?

maybelycrainpink I am sure that you are someone who is driven and has been taught not to give up on things - so you keep hoping and trying - but it is ground hog day with this relationship - but it will exhaust you and rob you of your mental health.

You are stuck in a loop - if you look at the co-dep link I posted above - it talks about "denial" which is often not conscious but where you erase memories of behaviours or ignore the facts in front of you as everyone here is unanimous in pointing out.

You will keep getting hurt if you keep putting your hand in the fire. He will not change - but you need to look at how you are enabling his behaviour by tolerating it and falling for the soft words before the his bad behaviours start again. It is the nice/nasty cycle and is why victims stay in abusive situations for so long.

Are you getting any help in RL? Do you talk to friends or family about the issues?

Yes actually op has done quite a few threads, I think some where around Valentine's when he returned and didn't bother to see her when he got back. Sorry if I'm wrong.

Op even going off this post alone, the problem isn't your DP or his mother, it's you.

He treats you like this becsuse you allow him too. You need to grow a back bone and just walk away. Your a sucker for a sob story op and he is mugging you off.

You need to do some work on your self worth.

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