Can anyone explain why DP does this and what I can do to change it?

[maybelycrainpink]

I have been with my DP for 3.5 years, and we have lived together for 2 years. Over the past year, I have started to feel quite rubbish about myself and feel like it is a battle with DP to be a good partner. I can't work out what is going on or why, and what I can do to change it. Maybe I am not in the wrong, I dont know. My head is all over the place.

In the last year, my DP has secretly looked at flats to buy on his own when we were supposedly saving to buy a house together. I confronted him about this, and he confessed that he had talked about it with his mum and she had said it wasnt a good idea to buy together at this stage (he's 28). I was very angry about this and told him he needed to grow up, that this was between us, that of he didnt want to move forwards then i didnt want a relationship with him etc. His response was to apologise profusely, say that he loved me so much and that he couldnt imagine life without me and didnt want to lose me.

The next big thing was him telling his mum and 2 mutual friends that he was thinking of taking a job abroad, and not telling me. When I found out, his excuse was that he didnt want to upset me until it was all finalised. I was so upset and felt embarassed in front of our mutual friends and undermined about how he had dicussed this with his mum when I was the one living with him and sharing my income and my future with him!! he didnt understand this and claimed he had done it to protect me. I then felt sorry for him and tried to explain that he needed to talk to me, not do things like that. He agreed.

A few months later, he takes the job abroad after we talk about it and i say i will support him with the decision as it is for 6 months. i later find out that the position was offered for 9 months, and he knew this all along but hadnt told me as he was worried i would end it and he didnt want to lose me. again, and big sob story about how he had messed up and i felt very guilty for shouting and swearing at him for lying to me again.

Before he took the job abroad, he agreed i could have use of his car while he was out of the uk. we had dicussed this and i explained if i didnt use his i would have to get my own car as i didnt have transport. he said it made sense for me to use his car. 2 weeks before he left, he told him he was uncomfortable with me using his car as it was 'his pride and joy,' and that he had changed his mind. i was in a shitty situation because i had no way to get too work. luckily, he changed his mind back after a huge argument and a lot of upset - i wished he had just said this from day 1 and i would have organised my own car. i thought we were a couple and therefore operating as a team to save money to together etc.

All through these times, his mum has suggested she and him move in together, and also specified that she wants to see my DP alone, without me there. This means that when he worked away and came back to visit, many of our days were spent apart because she wanted time with just him. I have always been incredibly nice to this woman, but she seemed intent on making me out to be an awful girlfriend. She deosnt speak to her ex husband and refuses to allow his name to be mentioned in the house, after 16 years of being divorced. This has hurt me a lot.

I am left feeling utterly confused at my DP's behaviour. I have done nothing but do my best by him. Each time the above events have happened, he says he loves me, is sorry and only did all these things to protect me...as if I am some child who needs to be patronised, not an adult who deserves respect. He makes me feel like im the one who makes him behave like this...as if he cant be honest with me because hes trying to protect me. it doesnt make sense and i am left wondering where i went wrong. i have always supported my DP, maybe i got too angry when he did these things and that made him apprehensive about being honest with me? all i know now is that i feel exhausted with trying to second guess his behaviour and have some kind of normal life. maybe im not capable of having that with someone, i can be quite full on in terms of wanting to move forwards.

any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

He apologies about his behaviour and says how much he loves you after upsetting you. You forgive him and you're back to square one. Every time. It will never change. While he is away working, is the time to start distancing yourself from him, find somewhere else to live and be happy and settled.

Let this man go. He is making it clear that he actually doesn't want to be with you, but I imagine his mother has trained him to avoid confrontation, especially with women, and to lie and sneak around to get his own way.
I can't say I entirely blame him - neither his mother nor you are much bothered about what he actually wants: the two of you (ie you and his mother) are engaged in a battle over who gets to 'keep' him.

If i was him I would stay in the other country to get away from the pair of you.

Most people who behave badly have a reason for doing it.

The point is that you were not the person who hurt him in the past. It's not your responsibility to "fix" him, and you are not his emotional punch bag.

If you lied to me, and I told you that your lie (whatever the reason for it) hurt me, and you were sorry you would not lie to me again if you cared for my feelings

If you lied to me in the full knowledge that it would hurt me, then you are not a nice person, and you certainly were not sorry the first time.

He has lied to you time and time and time again. He isn't going to change.

It's up to you now. Accept who he is and live in misery and uncertainty forever, or decide that you deserve better.

No one is going to tell you he will turn into the perfect man for you. He won't. He isn't. Save yourself and move on.

He's not committed to you and you're wasting your time if you want a serious relationship clearly.

solidgold I've accomodated all my DP's choices, actually. What he wants is always what he gets - no doubt about that!

fuckyou as time went on it was clear he wouldnt change. the horrible part was aside from all this crap he was a good DP - did more than half the chores in the house, cooked, listned if i had a bad day at work etc. i just couldnt cope with the endless lies. it's draining.

Norman Bates and Oedipus spring to mind.

The umbilical cord has never been cut and he is happy with that and won't change.

This is one of those occasions where if you take the wrong fork in the road you will have an awful life. The decision is yours to make and it sounds as though you have been told this before, the only person we can ever change is ourselves.

Maybe, it is exhausting, isn't it? You're kept waiting for the next revelation. You feel betrayed that other people know more about your life than you do. You can't ever feel safe that things won't drastically change, knowing that you'll be the last to know.

If he cared for you the way he should, he would not hurt you like that.

He cannot be the person you want him to be. There are plenty of good men out there. Doing his share of the housework is a bare minimum, not a stand-alone sign of a good man.

This is your problem: I have done nothing but do my best by him.

You genuinely believe that somehow by trying harder you can change him from the person he is into the person you want to believe he is. It's 'Beauty and the Beast' syndrome. Your head gets turned by a few meaningless words from him when you need to be looking at his actions.

You've posted about him numerous times before, each time posting as if it was the first time. Why is that? It seems like you want to wipe the slate clean repeatedly, just waiting for it to come up the way you want. But just like him, we don't change, we offer you the same advice each time.

You think you 'get him' because you know about his bad childhood. You don't get him at all. He is choosing to behave in this way and you are giving him absolutely zero incentive to choose to behave differently.

You can't change him. You can change yourself.

It sounds like he is a massive people pleaser and will basically say whatever it is the person in front of him needs to hear to keep them happy. I expect anything else causes immense amounts of terror in him. Ergo he agrees to discuss stuff like moving in with his mother when she demands, and agrees to live with you / buy a house / lend you his car etc when you demand.

You say he gets what he wants all the time, but also that you have shouted and sworn at him, been angry and upset and basically had a go at him whenever you have found out about his lying to you regarding these incidents. So he cries and says he loves you because that is the way to make you stop having a go at him and being upset.

Sure he learned this from his mother, but if you can't see that he is also scared of upsetting you and so will say whatever it is you want to hear at the time and then go on to do what he actually wants to do (keep his car for his use, go abroad, not buy a house together) then all that will happen is he will continue to 'string you along' out of fear until either his mum bullies him worse, he gives in to you, or finally grows a backbone and lives his own life for himself rather than the women in his life.

I realise this sounds harsh but the guy has no ability to say no to anyone...and yet he does still do what he wants to do anyway, just quietly and passively. My guess is he will be massively enjoying his time abroad. I doubt he will change, but if he has any sense he'll stay abroad and figure out a way to be his own person and get away from his mother's influence. It will take him a lot of guts to stand up to her.

Let him go. The only other way to get the relationship you want from him for the foreseeable future is to win the battle with his mother over him.

I was always so scared I wouldn't do better but I do believe there are better men out there who wouldn't break me like this and would put me first. It's horrible how much it can mess with your head when someone tells you they're sorry and they love you but do it all over again. Thanks for the replies.

How many times are you going to allow this man to lie to you, humiliate you in front of your friends by keeping secrets from you, let you down and put your job at risk due to his pride over possessions, and show you that you are not worthy?

I don't think I've read your previous threads, but it's not hard to understand why you feel like rubbish - that's because your supposed partner, the person who is supposed to cherish you and respect you and trust you, is treating you like rubbish.

norest I don't want to be in a battle with his mother. I can't be bothered. I want to be with a man not a child.

The thing that annoys me is that each time he's lied, I have been so understanding when he's apologised. I may have been cross initially but i always say that I am here to support him as a team and that he just needs to be honest and we can be a mature couple who respect one another. I've tried so many times to make him see that he doesn't need to lie to me - when I know what's going on I'm very open to whatever choices he makes, because from what I know, that's what you do in a relationship - support each other with personal goals and dreams and plans, as well as plans together. Each time he says he understands yet he does it again. Fed up of childish behaviour.

You can certainly do better. Being on your own is better than being let down over and over again.

His words may say that he loves you and he's sorry, but his actions tell you otherwise. He doesn't love you enough to stop lying to you, he doesn't love you enough to put your needs first, and he's never sorry enough to change his behaviour.

I was always so scared I wouldn't do better but I do believe there are better men out there who wouldn't break me like this and would put me first. It's horrible how much it can mess with your head when someone tells you they're sorry and they love you but do it all over again.

That could've been written by an 'Other Woman', OP - which is essentially what you are in this scenario.

His primary relationship is with his mother. He's not strong enough to change that.

You know you deserve better than this.

Check your financial situation. Does he own all your possessions, in his name only, receipts kept, mummy's advice?( bitter experience).
Check on mutual savings as well.
He has deceived you badly several times.

So what are you going to do to change this situation?

You have posted about him a number of times now. Exactly the same situation. Every time people have given you the same replies.

He won't change. Why should he? He is getting to do what he wants, when he wants. He has mummy running around after him and a girlfriend who carries on waiting and hoping despite being treated like something he has trodden in. Despite your conversations and his words he carries on doing whatever he wants without giving a shiny shit how it make your feel.

There is only one person who can change this. YOU

Carry on the way you have been and you will back here in a couple of months with the next instalment of his treatment of you.

See clearly that this is not enough, you deserve better and let him go to his mummy.

It will hurt but eventually you will move on.

You deserve better. You will not get better unless you get rid.

The CAUSE of his behaviour doesn't matter.

If it's down to childhood trauma or just selfishness, or something in between.

The EFFECT of his behaviour is that you are unhappy.

You don't ever owe it to someone to stay with them.

If your life would be better without him, leave.

You really need to make some effort to change things instead of coming here every couple of months and repeating the same sob story and what, expecting different answers?

This 'team' you speak of is HIM + HIS MOTHER.

YOU are on the subs bench.

Join another team or carry on carrying on. At the moment you are just doing the same thing over and over again (giving into his needs/wants/selfishness) and expecting different results. Stop living just for him, it's bonkers!

Sounds like his mum is controlling and manipulative or abusive as we normally call it. And trained him to be a people pleaser especially her. Doubtless if you married him she'd turn up in white and cry throughout. She has to see him on his own to keep control.

Now he's in a relationship with you he's caught in the middle. He wants to please you and her and is probably wary if ever bringing up anything for discussion that he thinks you won't like because he's influenced by his mum in his decisions and because her reaction to him growing up and asserting his independence has taught him to avoid conflict. But his mum's needs and your needs keep him in constant conflict.

Your problem is that he doesn't recognise his mother for what she is and does not want to assert his independence from her so it's not going to change. Unless he's willing to address this either you get an unsatisfactory half relationship or you split up.

Even if you talked to him and his dad too perhaps and the wool was removed from his eyes you would be in for a rocky ride because his mum would not let go of her influence without a fight.

You're housemates with benefits.

You aren't a couple. I can't ever imagine my DH not being the first person I want to talk things over with, your DP doesn't regard you in the same way and hides his thoughts so he black present them as a done deal. In other words he does whatever he wants and hides things from you for the quiet life.

I think your relationship is doomed, tbh. ThIs behaviour is deeply ingrained and he will always go back to acting this way. I agree with pp who say this has been trained into him by his early relationships with his mother (and you may be unwittingly contributing - that's not to say you're to blame), but if he's only got one way to deal with conflict (avoid it by not mentioning the difficult issue) then you will go through this over and over and over again.

It would take a LOT of time and therapy and patience to get him to trust other people with things he thinks they won't like hearing and to develop the skills and self-esteem that is required to 'break bad news' to people.

You might like to point out to him that his strategy of 'not wanting to upset you' has been having the opposite effect. Again and again and again. You need to go over what he should have done and try not to lose your rag with him (because he's terrified of you being angry).

I feel sorry for both of you. For him because his strategy is disastrous for maintaining proper adult relationships, and for you because this issue sounds like it will be the end of you as a couple.

Run, run like the wind. My STBXH was like this, foolishly I married him and had 2 children with him, thinking once he had his own family he'd put us first. He never changed, hence why he is a soon-to-be ex-husband.

This is a dead end relationship. You're not in his future plans and you're hardly in his present ones. He's a man child and he will never change. You're not why he behaves this way OP. He's been coddled and spoiled by mama and you'll never win with this one...no woman will. Get out before your lack of self esteem traps you into a a relationship with a spineless boy. You'll end up a shadow of a woman chasing a vapid relationship.

christ almighty, what will it take for you to finally give up on this Utter Loser ?

Didn't you post about him not wanting you to visit him as arranged because of finances?